>> Jerry: ♪ LAST KING CHRISTMAS
LAST ARRIVED ♪
♪ ON THE CHRISTMAS CHRISTMAS ♪
[ SNIFFS ]
MMM.
JERRY, YOU ARE REALLY GIVING IT
TO THIS HAM.
[ DEVICES BEEPING ]
UM, MERRY CHRISTMAS.
HELLO?
MY PARENTS ARE COMING OVER FOR
THE FIRST TIME IN YEARS.
CAN WE STOW THE GADGETS AND LOOK
ALIVE?
>> Beth: ALIVE?
FOR YOURPARENTS?
>> Jerry: MM, GOOD ONE.
>> Beth: HEY, MAN!
>> Jerry: YOU"HEY, MAN!"
THIS HOLIDAY IS ABOUT HUMANITY.
>> Morty: YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT IT
WAS ABOUT BEING BORN HALF-GOD
OR SOMETHING.
>> Jerry: WHATEVER.
ALL ELECTRONIC ITEMS ARE GOING
IN THE STOCKING NOW.
>> Morty: [ GROANS ]
>> Summer: DAD, I'M NOT GIVING
YOU MY PHONE.
>> Jerry: PUT IT IN THE
STOCKING, SUMMER, OR I'M JOINING
FACEBOOK.
>> Summer: [ GASPS ]
[ DOOR OPENS ]
>> Rick: A-HO, HO, HO,
EVERYBODY.
>> Jerry: MORE LIKE "WHOA, WHOA,
WHOA."
WHAT IS THIS?
MY PARENTS ARE COMING!
>> Rick: CALM DOWN, JERRY.
THIS IS REUBEN, AN OLD FRIEND.
>> PEARL HARBOR.
>> Rick: I CHECK IN ON HIM ONCE
A YEAR AND GIVE HIM A LITTLE
[BURPS] MEDICAL [BURPS]
EVALUATION.
>> Beth: AWW!
DAD, THAT IS SO SWEET!
>> Jerry: YEAH, IT IS.
I DON'T GET IT.
>> KOREA.
>> Rick: DON'T WORRY ABOUT YOUR
[BURPS] C-CHRISTMAS, JERRY.
[BURPS] I'LL BE WITH REUBEN IN
MY WORKSHOP WHILE YOU GUYS ARE
HAVING ANOTHER DAY IN
PHIL COLLINS' PROVERBIAL
PARADISE.
>> Jerry: HUH.
YOU THINK YOU KNOW A GUY.
[ DOORBELL RINGS ]
OKAY, THERE'S MY PARENTS.
NOW, REMEMBER NO TV, NO
PHONES, NO LAPTOPS.
WE ARE CONNECTING THIS
CHRISTMAS, LIKE OLD-SCHOOL JEWS
ON A SATURDAY.
HEY, HEY!
>> MERRY CHRISTMAS, SON.
>> Jerry: UH, HI.
CAN I HELP YOU?
>> JERRY, THIS IS JACOB.
DIDN'T YOU GET OUR TEXT MESSAGE?
>> Together: NO!
>> YOU MUST BE JERRY.
THAT'S A FINE-LOOKING APRON.
WILLIAMS-SONOMA?
>> Jerry: I WISH! [ CHUCKLES ]
BUT THANK YOU.
SO, YOU'RE A... FRIEND OF THE
FAMILY?
>> UH, THE WAY WE SEE IT, HE'S A
PART OF THE FAMILY.
>> Jerry: WOW.
>> AFTER YOUR FATHER'S BRUSH
WITH CANCER AND LOSING YOUR
UNCLE, WE LOOKED AT LIFE AND
WONDERED, HOW HAVE WE SPENT IT,
AND HOW DO WE SPEND THE REST OF
IT?
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO BE WHEN WE
DIE A LIST OF FEARS AND
QUESTIONS OR A COLLECTION OF
REAL EXPERIENCES?
>> Beth: HOLY CRAP.
JOYCE, THAT'S AMAZING.
>> THEN JACOB CAME INTO OUR
LIVES, AND... WE'RE LEARNING TO
LIVE AGAIN.
>> ALL THREE OF US.
>> [ CHUCKLES ]
>> Jerry: COOL.
EGGNOG?
>> NOW WE ARE TALKING!
THIS MAN'S GOT THE APRON AND THE
EGGNOG, HUH?
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Rick: HI, JOYCE. LEONARD.
HELLO, THERE.
>> MERRY CHRISTMAS, MAN.
>> Rick: MORTY, A MOMENT OF YOUR
TIME?
>> [ GURGLING ]
>> Rick: HE'S IN BAD SHAPE,
MORTY.
>> Morty: AW, GEEZ, RICK.
WHAT'D YOU DO?
>> Rick: GEE, THANKS, MORTY.
W-W-WHAT KIND OF MONSTER DO YOU
THINK I AM?
I-I-I'M SITTING HERE TRYING TO
SAVE THE GUY'S LIFE.
I NEED YOUR HELP.
I WANT YOU TO FIND
DR. XENON BLOOM.
HE'LL KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
>> Morty: UH, W-W-W-WHERE
WHERE DO I FIND DR. BLOOM?
>> Rick: IN REUBEN.
>> Morty: REUBEN, MINNE
MINNESOTA?
>> Rick: REUBEN ON THE TABLE,
MORTY.
LOOK, I-I-I [BELCHES] I DON'T
HAVE TIME FOR YOU TO WRAP YOUR
LITTLE WALNUT AROUND EVERYTHING.
JUST HOLD YOUR BREATH UNTIL THE
PROCESS IS OVER OR YOUR LUNGS
WILL COLLAPSE.
>> Morty: WHAT PROC
[ SCREAMS ]
>> Rick: [ GRUNTS ]
>> Beth: HEY, DAD, WHERE'S
MORTY?
>> Rick: HE'S BUSY.
>> Morty: [ SCREAMING ]
[ PANTING ]
>> Rick: MORTY, CAN YOU HEAR ME?
HEAD NORTH.
>> Morty: RICK, WHERE AM I?
>> Rick: DEPENDING ON MY AIM,
YOU SHOULD BE JUST SOUTH OF THE
ENTRANCE.
>> Morty: ENTRANCE TO WHAT?
>> Rick: WELCOME, MORTY.
WELCOME...
>> Morty: [ GASPS ]
>> Rick:... TO ANATOMY PARK!
IT'S A LITTLE BUSINESS VENTURE
I'VE BEEN COOKING UP ON THE SIDE
WITH DR. BLOOM AN AMUSEMENT
PARK INSIDE A HUMAN BODY.
SCIENCE ISN'T CH [BURPS]
CHEAP, MORTY.
THIS SHOULD REALLY HELP PUT A
DENT IN THE OVERHEAD.
>> Morty: OH, MY GOD!
THIS IS INSANE!
SPLEEN MOUNTAIN?
BLADDER FALLS?
PIRATES OF THE PANCREAS?
>> Rick: YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH
THAT LAST ONE, MORTY?
>> Morty: HUH? NO, NO.
I'M JUST READING'EM OUT LOUD IN
THE ORDER THAT I'M SEEING'EM.
>> Rick: OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
IF I SOUNDED A LITTLE DEFENSIVE,
IT'S BECAUSE
PIRATES OF THE PANCREAS WAS MY
BABY.
YOU KNOW, I GOT I GOT A LOT
OF PUSHBACK WHEN I PITCHED IT,
MORTY.
I GUESS I'M STILL A LITTLE
DEFENSIVE.
LET'S JUST FIND DR. BLOOM,
ALL RIGHT?
I-I'M PICKING UP A DISTRESS
SIGNAL IN THE LIVER, MORTY.
PROCEED TO THE LIVER.
>> ARRIVING AT...
[ BELL DINGS ]
... LIVER.
>> Morty: OW!
>> MIND THE GAP.
>> Morty: IT'S REALLY SCARY IN
HERE, RICK.
>> Rick: THE LIVER'S UNDER
MAINTENANCE.
REUBEN'S SEEN SOME ROUGH YEARS,
MORTY.
DON'T JUDGE.
YOU DON'T AGREE TO HAVE A THEME
PARK BUILT INSIDE YOU IF YOUR
LIFE'S GOING GREAT.
>> [ ROARS ]
>> Morty: [ SCREAMS ]
RICK! IT'S A MONSTER!
>> Rick: NO, NO, NO. MORTY.
THE ONLY MONSTER HERE IS
ALCO...[BELCHES]... HOLISM.
THAT IS AN ANIMATRONIC WEREWOLF.
>> [ GRUNTS ]
WHO ARE YOU?!
ANSWER ME!
WHERE'D YOU COME FROM?
>> Morty: MY MY MY GRANDPA
RICK SENT ME!
>> PONCHO!
THAT'S QUITE ENOUGH.
MORTY, THAT'S PONCHO.
THIS IS ROGER AND ANNIE.
>> Morty: [ GASPS ]
>> AND I AM DR. XENON BLOOM.
>> Morty: [ GASPS ]
>> Rick: HEY, BLOOM, IT'S RICK.
WHAT THE HELL'S GOING ON HERE?
>> I DON'T KNOW WHY, BUT THE
ENTIRE SECURITY SYSTEM HAS SHUT
DOWN, AND I'M AFRAID... THE
EXHIBITS ARE UNLOCKED.
>> Morty: EXHIBITS?
>> ANATOMY PARK'S GREATEST
ATTRACTION, YOUNG MAN, ISN'T THE
MUSIC OR THE FOOD OR THE...
PIRATES OF THE PANCREAS.
>> Rick: WATCH IT.
>> IT IS, FIRST AND FOREMOST, A
LIVING MUSEUM OF HUMANITY'S MOST
NOBLE AND FEROCIOUS DISEASES.
>> Morty: DISEASES?
[ CREATURE ROARS ]
>> HEY, DOC.
I GOT NEWS FOR YOU.
YOUR LIVING MUSEUM IS OFFICIALLY
A WILD SAFARI!
>> HEPATITIS A! RUN!
[ ALL SCREAM ]
>> OH, THE FOOD GOES INYOUR
MOUTH, GIRL.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> [ Laughing ] OH, JACOB.
>> Jerry: [ LAUGHS ]
I-I'M SORRY, JACOB.
I-I GUESS I'M STILL CONFUSED
ABOUT THE PRECISE NATURE AND
ORIGIN OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH
MY PARENTS.
ARE YOU, LIKE, UH ARE YOU,
LIKE, THEIR CARETAKER?
IS THAT WHAT IT IS?
>> WE CAN GO INTO DETAIL LATER,
SON.
>> NOW, WAIT.
TH-THERE'S NO POINT TO SECRECY.
LET'S ALL LIVE AND DIE HONESTLY.
YOUR MOTHER AND I HAVE SHARED
40 YEARS OF EACH OTHER, MIND,
BODY, AND SOUL, AND WHEN MINDS
AND SOULS ARE JOINED FOR
ETERNITY AND WHEN ETERNITY IS
AT THE DOOR, IT'S AN INVITATION
TO LET GO OF THE BODY AND AN
OPPORTUNITY TO SHARE AND
EXPERIMENT.
>> Jerry: DAD, PLEASE.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
>> Beth: WHATEVER IT IS, IT'S
BEAUTIFUL, LEONARD, AND WE
SUPPORT YOU.
>> Jerry: HEY, SPEAK FOR
YOURSELF, BECAUSE IT [LAUGHS
NERVOUSLY] SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE
ABOUT TO SAY JACOB IS YOUR
LOVER.
>> NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
JACOB IS YOUR MOTHER'S LOVER.
[ CHUCKLES ]
I WATCH THEM SOMETIMES FROM A
CHAIR AND SOMETIMES FROM A
CLOSET, ALMOST ALWAYS DRESSED AS
SUPERMAN.
>> [ SMOOCHES ]
>> OH.
JERRY, THIS HAM HAS GOT TO BE
ALL YOU, RIGHT?
IT'S INCREDIBLE.
[ CHUCKLES ]
>> Summer: HAPPY HUMAN HOLIDAY,
DAD.
>> AAH!
>> [ ROARS ]
>> HEPATITIS WON'T FOLLOW US
INTO THE RESPIRATORY SYSTEM.
>> THAT'S STRANGE.
AIRFLOW IS DOWN 20%.
>> SO, THE BRAIN ISN'T GETTING
ENOUGH OXYGEN.
THAT'SWHY SECURITY'S OFFLINE.
>> Morty: WELL, I GUESS WE
BETTER CHECK IT OUT.
>> HEY! WAIT FOR ME!
>> PUT THAT BACK ON!
>> IF WE GOT UP TO THE BRONCHIAL
CATWALK, WE COULD LOOK FOR A
BLOCKAGE.
>> Morty: I'LL GO.
[ LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ]
>> DON'T BE A HERO, KID.
>> Morty: I'M NOT.
I'M DOING IT BECAUSE IT'S FUN.
>> WE SHOULDN'T BE HERE.
>> WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT FIRE
THAT THING IN HERE.
WE MUST SAVE REUBEN.
THIS IS MY LIFE'S WORK.
[ BLOB SQUEALS ]
>> [ GASPS ]
>> IT'S ALL RIGHT, MY DEAR.
NEARLY ALL HUMAN LUNGS CONTAIN A
STRAIN OF THESE BACTERIA, BUT
THE SCAR TISSUE KEEPS THEM...
DORMANT.
MORTY, GET DOWN!
>> Morty: WHOA-HO-HO!
WHOA!
[ BACTERIA SNARL ]
>> Morty: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
[ GRUNTING ]
OH, WHAT ARE THOSE THINGS?
>> TUBERCULOSIS COMING IN
FAST!
>> NOT FASTER THAN A BULLET!
AAH!
>> NO!
DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE?!
>> [ COUGHS ]
>> All: WHOA!
>> GET TO THE DIGESTIVE TRACT!
HE'S COUGHING!
>> [ COUGHS ]
>> WHOAAAA!
DON'T LET ME DIE!
>> Rick: JUST TAKE A DEEP
BREATH, REUBEN.
>> [ GASPS ]
>> Morty: YOU'RE NOT GONNA DIE!
WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
>> MY NAME IS...
>> [ COUGHS ]
>> ALEXAND [ SCREAMS ]
>> [ COUGHS ]
[ ALL GRUNT ]
>> Morty: RICK R-R-REUBEN'S
GOT TUBERCULOSIS!
>> Rick: OH, GREAT WORK, MORTY.
OKAY, I'LL JUST CURE IT AND
THEN
[ FLATLINE ]
OKAY.
WELL, I CAN'T CURE DEATH.
THIS IS BAD, MORTY.
YOU'RE TRAPPED IN A DEAD MAN.
LISTEN, IF THE SITUATION KEEPS
DARKENING, DO YOURSELF A FAVOR
AND POP BY
PIRATES OF THE PANCREAS.
OBVIOUSLY I'M BIASED, BUT I
THINK IT'S GREAT, MORTY.
IT'S A BUNCH OF [BELCHES]
PIRATES RUNNING AROUND A
[BELCHES] PANCREAS.
WE DON'T WHITEWASH IT, EITHER,
MORTY.
I MEAN, THE PIRATES ARE REALLY
RAPEY.
THE TOP PRIORITY IS TO GET, YOU
KNOW, YOU GUYS OUT OF THERE, BUT
I'M JUST SAYING, IF THAT BECOMES
IMPOSSIBLE, PLEASE, YOU GOTTA
TREAT YOURSELF.
>> Morty: OH, MAN.
W-W-W-WHAT IS THAT HORRIBLE
SMELL?
>> YOU MEAN THE PANDA EXPRESS?
[ CHUCKLES ]
KIDDING. I-I'M KIDDING.
THE BODY IS BEGINNING TO
CONSTRICT AND FILL WITH GAS.
WE'RE INSIDE A CORPSE, MY BOY.
ANATOMY PARK IS DOOMED.
>> Morty: FORGET ABOUT THE
PARK, DOCTOR!
HOW DO WE GET OUT?
>> THE DIGESTIVE TRACT IS THE
EVACUATION ROUTE.
GET IT?
THERE'S AN EMERGENCY STATION IN
THE COLON WITH A RAY THAT CAN
ENLARGE US ALL.
>> Morty: EVERYBODY, HEAD FOR
THE COLON!
>> NOW I'M TAKING ORDERS FROM A
12-YEAR-OLD BOY?
>> MORTY, THE SCAR SACS
CONTAINING THE TUBERCULOSIS WERE
SABOTAGED.
THIS DISASTER WAS AN INSIDE JOB.
KEEP YOUR EYE ON ANNIE.
SHE WAS WRITTEN UP SEVERAL TIMES
BY HER MANAGER AT THE CHURRO
STAND.
>> INTESTINES ARE AHEAD TO THE
LEFT, THEN TO THE RIGHT, THEN
LEFT, ET CETERA.
>> Morty: HEY, JUST SO YOU KNOW,
I-I-I'M ACTUALLY 14.
SO, YOU KNOW...
>> WHAT?
>> Morty: NOT 12.
>> OKAY.
>> Morty: YOU KNOW, BECAUSE HE
JUST SAID I WAS 12.
>> OH.
GOOD FOR YOU.
>> Rick: OOF. UGH. MORTY.
STRIKE ONE.
>> Morty: [ GROANS ]
[ FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYS ]
>> ♪ IT'S A ROAD OF WONDER ♪
♪ A TRAIL OF FOOD ♪
♪ IT'S A PATHWAY TO BREAK UP
THE BAD AND GOOD ♪
♪ IT'S A TUBE THAT DIGESTS
AND THEN SENDS OUT THE REST ♪
♪ IT'S A SMALL, SMALL
INTESTINE ♪
>> IT GOES ON LIKE THIS FOR
MILES.
>> THEN WE GET TO THE LARGE
INTESTINE!
[ CREATURE ROARS ]
SHH!
I HEAR SOMETHING.
>> [ ROARS ]
>> Don't move.
Gonorrhea can't see us if we
don't move.
>> [ ROARS ]
>> WAIT, I WAS WRONG.
I WAS THINKING OF A T. REX.
[ ALL SCREAM ]
>> MOVE!
>> WE'RE SITTING DUCKS!
>> Morty: DOC, DIDN'T YOU SAY
THAT THE BODY WAS FILLING WITH
GAS?
>> YES. WHY?
>> KID, YOU'RE A GENIUS.
>> ARE YOU MAD?!
>> Morty: EVERYBODY, IN HERE!
>> [ ROARS ]
>> HEY, GONORRHEA!
HOW'S THISFOR A BURNING
SENSATION?
>> [ GROANS ]
>> HUH.
>> Morty: [ GIGGLES ]
>> Summer: ♪ DRUMMER DRUM DRUM
DRUM DRUM DRUM ♪
♪ DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM DRUM
DRUM ♪
♪ CHRISTMAS DRUMS ♪
>> OH, SING IT, SUMMER.
>> Summer: ♪ CHRISTMAS DRUMS
BEING PLAYED BY A BO-O-O-Y ♪
>> OH, I LOVE TO HEAR YOU SING.
[ LAUGHS ]
>> Summer: [ SCATTING ]
>> Beth: JERRY, COME ON.
THIS IS WHAT YOU WANTED.
>> Jerry: I GET IT, BETH.
BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR.
I'M BEING PUNISHED FOR TAKING
YOUR iPAD.
>> Beth: WHAT?
JERRY, LET THAT STUFF GO, OKAY?
I'M SORRY I WAS A BITCH EARLIER.
LET'S JUST BE HERE.
>> [ GRUNTS ] SUMMER!
>> Summer: ETHAN?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
>> I'VE BEEN TEXTING YOU FOR
HOURS!
WHAT THE HELL?!
>> Summer: I DON'T HAVE MY
PHONE!
I'M DOING A HUMAN HOLIDAY!
>> WELL, DID YOU EVEN CONSIDER
HOW THAT MIGHT MAKE MEFEEL?!
>> Summer: HOW YOUFEEL?!
WHY IS EVERYTHING ALWAYS
HAPPENING TO YOU?!
>> Jerry: SUMMER, DO YOU HAVE A
BOYFRIEND?
>> YEAH, DO YOU, SUMMER?
>> Summer: I DON'T KNOW, ETHAN.
DO I?!
>> JERRY, NO DISRESPECT, BUT YOU
REALLY NEED TO CONNECT MORE WITH
YOUR FAMILY, MAN.
>> I SHOULD BE ABLE TO ACCESS
THE BACKUP GENERATOR TO GET THE
GROWTH RAY ONLINE.
IF IT WORKS, WE'LL BE
REGULAR-SIZED IN A FEW MINUTES.
I JUST HOPE REUBEN'S NOT IN A
ROOM WITH WHITE CARPETS OR
UPHOLSTERY.
[ RUMBLING ]
>> WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
>> THE SPHINCTER DAM.
WE BUILT IT WHEN REUBEN BECAME
INCONTINENT, BUT IT WAS NOT
DESIGNED TO HOLD A CORPSE LOAD.
>> I'VE ALMOST GOT IT.
EVERYBODY, MOVE INSIDE THE
CIRCLE.
[ BACTERIUM SQUEALS ]
>> Morty: PONCHO?
WHAT IS THIS IN YOUR BACKPACK?
>> THAT'S BUBONIC PLAGUE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT,
PONCHO?
>> [ GASPS ]
>> EVERYBODY, GET BACK!
>> PONCHO, YOU SON OF A BITCH!
YOU RELEASED THE TUBERCULOSIS
SO YOU COULD STEAL FROM ME?
>> THAT'S RIGHT, BABY.
A LOT OF PEOPLE WOULD PAY TOP
DOLLAR TO DECIMATE THE
POPULATION.
I'LL TAKE THE HIGHEST BIDDER
AL-QAEDA, NORTH KOREA,
REPUBLICANS, SHRINERS, BALDING
MEN THAT WORK OUT, PEOPLE ON THE
INTERNET THAT ARE ONLY TURNED ON
BY CARTOONS OF JAPANESE
TEENAGERS ANYTHING IS BETTER
THAN WORKING FOR YOU, YOU
POMPOUS, NEGLIGENT,
iTUNES-GIFT-CARD-AS-A-HOLIDAY-
BONUS-GIVING MOTHER
>> Morty: [ SCREAMS ]
>> [ GRUNTS ]
COME ON!
>> Morty: [ GROANS ]
>> [ LAUGHS ]
[ BACTERIUM SQUEALS ]
>> AAH!
[ GRUNTS ] GET OFF!
[ SCREAMS ]
[ RUMBLING ]
>> YOU GUYS!
>> IT'S GONNA BURST! GO!
GO, GO, GO!
[ ALL PANTING ]
MY FOOT IS STUCK.
>> NO!
>> IT'S OKAY!
IT'S OKAY. JUST GO.
TELL MY FAMILY I LOVE THEM.
THEY MAY BE HARD TO FIND'CAUSE
MY WIFE KEPT HER LAST NAME AND
SHE MADE THE KIDS TAKE IT, TOO,
SO, I-I DON'T KNOW, YOU CAN
>> NO!
[ SOBS ]
>> LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION,
ETHAN.
WHERE'S THE ANGER COMING FROM,
MAN?
>> FROM SUMMER BEING A TOTAL
BITCH!
>> WHERE'S THE ANGER COMING
FROM?
>> MY BROTHER... TOOK ME FISHING
ONCE... IN THE BUSHES...
[ WHIMPERS ]
[ Voice breaking ] I CAN'T... I
CAN'T...
[ SOBS ]
HE MADE ME FEEL LIKE A GIRL!
I HE MADE ME A GIRL!
[ SOBS ]
>> HE DIDN'T MAKE YOU ANYTHING,
MAN.
YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE.
SHE IS WHO SHE IS.
NOW, YOU GO TO HER... BRAND-NEW.
>> COME HERE, RIGHT NOW.
>> Summer: OH, MY GOD.
I'M SO SORRY, ETHAN!
I LOVE YOU!
>> I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.
[ BOTH MOANING ]
>> Jerry: UM...
>> YOU DID IT AGAIN, CUBBIE.
COME HERE.
[ BOTH MOANING ]
>> Jerry: NO! STOP! I HATE THIS!
>> WELL, CHRISTMAS DOESN'T
REVOLVE AROUND WHAT YOU HATE,
SON.
>> Jerry: WELL, THEN I HATE
CHRISTMAS!
ENJOY BEING HUMAN!
YOU GUYS ARE GROSS AND LAME.
>> MY NAME'S REUBEN RIDLEY.
YOU'RE INSIDE ME RIGHT NOW, BUT
BY THE END OF THIS JOURNEY...
>> WHOOPSIE.
>> I'LL BE INSIDE ALL OF YOU.
MY STORY BEGINS DURING THE
DOT-COM CRASH IN THE EARLY
'90s.
[ WHIRRING ]
>> YOU CAN PUT YOUR FINGERS
WHEREVER YOU WANT.
>> Rick: MORTY, YOU WANT TO PUT
IT ON MUTE OR SOMETHING?
I'M I'M TRYING TO
CONCENTRATE.
>> Jerry: UH... RICK?
>> Rick: NOT NOW, JERRY.
I'VE GOT [BELCHES] MUCH, MUCH
SMALLER FISH TO FRY.
>> Jerry: I WANTED TO SAY I'M
SORRY I EVER JUDGED YOU.
RIGHT NOW, YOU'RE MY SANEST
RELATIVE.
>> Rick: RELATIVE.
R-RELATIVE SIZE!
JERRY, HAND ME A SCALPEL AND A
BUNDLE OF DYNAMITE.
MORTY, CAN YOU GET TO THE LEFT
NIPPLE?
>> Morty: ARE YOU KIDDING?
I'M HOPING I CAN GET TO BOTH OF
'EM, RICK.
>> Rick: NO, MORTY, I'M TALKING
ABOUT REUBEN'SLEFT NIPPLE.
[ RUMBLING ]
>> Morty: [ GRUNTS ]
WE NEED TO GET TO THE LEFT
NIPPLE!
>> THE BODY IS DECAYING.
THE ARTERIAL TRANSIT SYSTEM IS
USELESS.
WE CAN TRY THE SERVICE SHUTTLE.
IT'S CONNECTED TO THE SKELETAL
SYSTEM.
THAT'S WHY WE CALL IT THE BONE
TRAIN.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE THE
BONE TRAIN, MISS?
>> IF IT'LL GET US OUT OF HERE.
>> HOW ABOUT YOU, MORTY?
WOULD YOULIKE TO RIDE THE BONE
TRAIN?
>> Morty: WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS
BIT?
WE'RE GONNA DIE! LET'S GO!
>> Jerry: WELL... I CAN SEE
YOU'RE BUSY.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, RICK.
>> Rick: [ GROANS ]
>> THERE'S NO AUTOPILOT.
ONE OF US WILL HAVE TO STAY HERE
AND OPERATE IT MANUALLY.
>> Morty: UH, WELL...
>> NO, YOU'RE YOU'RE RIGHT.
I-IT WAS A DICK MOVE FOR ME TO
EVEN PAUSE LIKE THAT.
THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.
YOU GO ON.
[ BACTERIA SCREECHING ]
>> WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
>> E. COLI OUTBREAK.
HURRY!
>> Morty: [ SCREAMS ]
>> [ GRUNTS ]
WAIT, THERE ISAN AUTOPILOT.
WAIT!
IT'S OKAY! NEVER MIND!
I WANTED TO SACRIFICE MYSELF
ANYWAY!
THEY'RE THEY'RE CHEWING
THROUGH THE DOORS!
>> Morty: [ SCREAMS ]
>> Morty: WE'RE IN THE AREOLA,
RICK ALMOST TO THE NIPPLE,
BUT WE'RE ALSO IN A REALLY BAD
SITUATION!
>> Rick: I'M ALMOST THERE,
MORTY!
>> REPORTS FROM ALL OVER THE
COUNTRY HAVE BEEN COMING IN
ABOUT WHAT APPEARS TO BE A
GIANT, NAKED MAN OVER THE
CONTINENTAL UNITED STATES.
WE NOW GO TO TOM RANDOLPH IN
NEW YORK.
TOM?
>> WELL, THE EYES AREN'T
TWINKLING AND THE DIMPLES AREN'T
MERRY, BUT I'M STANDING UNDER A
NOSE LIKE A 70-MILE CHERRY.
>> THANK YOU, TOM.
LET'S GO NOW TO ERIC McMAHAN IN
LOS ANGELES.
>> WE'VE GOT FEET HERE ON THE
WEST COAST, BILL GIANT FEET,
EVEN RELATIVE TO THE GIANT MAN'S
SIZE, AND YOU KNOWWHAT THEY SAY
ABOUT THAT.
>> WELL, IF THE OLD ADAGE IS
TRUE, ONE CAN ONLY WONDER WHAT'S
GOING DOWN IN THE
ROCKY MOUNTAINS.
>> WHA?
[ SCREAMS ]
[ BACTERIA SCREECHING ]
>> Morty: OH MY GOD, THE TRACK!
>> IT'S HEPATITIS A!
>> Morty: AAAAH!
[ SCREAMS ]
>> [ GASPS ]
THE NIPPLE HOLE.
>> Morty: IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
>> [ ROARS ]
>> OH, NO!
>> Morty: HOLY CRAP!
>> WHOA! IT'S HEPATITIS C!
>> [ GRUNTS ]
>> Morty: UM... WAIT DID WE
HAVE SOME SORT OF RELATIONSHIP
WITH HIM?
>> I THINK THEY'RE JUST LIKE
THAT?
I THINK THEY'RE JUST GOOD GUYS.
>> Morty: OH. HUH.
>> Rick: WHERE'S DR. BLOOM?
>> Morty: I'M SORRY, RICK, BUT
HE'S DEAD.
>> Rick: GOD DAMN IT, MORTY.
I ASK YOU TO DO ONE THING!
>> Beth: JERRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT
HE'S MISSING.
>> HE'LL COME AROUND, BETH.
CHRISTMAS IS A SPECIAL TIME.
IT HAS FUNNY WAYS OF BRINGING
FAMILIES TOGETHER.
>> Beth: I DON'T KNOW, JACOB.
JERRY GOT AN INVITATION TO BE
ALIVE TODAY, AND HE REJECTED IT.
I DON'T KNOW IF OUR MARRIAGE
WILL...
>> Summer: [ GASPS ]
IT'S RAINING BLOOD!
>> OH, SHIT. FIND JERRY.
>> OH, GOD.
>> Beth: JERRY!
>> Jerry: IT'S ALL RIGHT.
THE TV SAYS THERE'S NOTHING TO
WORRY ABOUT.
>> THE GIANT, NAKED SKY SANTA
HAS EXPLODED.
BLOOD AND CHUNKS OF VISCERA ARE
RAINING DOWN ON THE COUNTRY.
EVERYTHING SHOULD BE FINE.
[ ALL SIGH ]
>> OH, YES.
>> Summer: DAD, CAN I HAVE MY
PHONE BACK?
>> Jerry: A SURE, SWEETIE. HERE.
EVERYBODY, TAKE A DEVICE.
IT'LL HELP YOU RELAX.
>> THIS IS NICE.
>> Jerry: YEAH.
LOOK, I GUESS WE REALLY LEARNED
SOMETHING THIS CHRISTMAS, JACOB.
>> Summer: NO, WE DIDN'T, DAD.
NO, WE DIDN'T.
>> Rick: TOO BAD ABOUT
DR. BLOOM.
HE WAS A GENIUS THE ONLY MAN
CAPABLE OF CREATING A NEW
ANATOMY PARK.
>> ACTUALLY, I STUDIED
DR. BLOOM'S WORK.
I-I-I-I BELIEVE I HAVE THE
KNOWLEDGE NECESSARY TO CREATE AN
ENTIRELY NEW, MUCH SAFER PARK.
>> Rick: WHAT ABOUT...
PIRATES OF THE PANCREAS?
>> I THINK IT WAS ONE OF THE
MOST UNDERRATED ATTRACTIONS.
>> Rick: BOO-YAH!
HOLD YOUR BREATH.
>> Morty: HEY, W-W-WHAT THE
HELL, RICK?!
WHAT THE HELL, MAN! I LIKED HER!
I REALLY HAD SOMETHING GOING
THERE, RICK!
>> Rick: YEAH, SO I HEARD.
[BELCHES] YOU DODGED A BULLET,
MORTY TRUST ME.
Puffy vagina.
>> Morty: W-WHAT'S WRONG WITH
THAT?
THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE A
PROBLEM TO ME.
I DON'T KNOW.
>> Rick: COME ON, LET'S GET
SOME STUFFING.
I'M STARVING.
[ GADGETS BEEPING ]
OH, UNBELIEVABLE.
WE GOT WE GOT A BUNCH OF
ROBOT, COMPUTER PEOPLE, SITTING
AROUND WITH THEIR FACES STUFFED
INTO COMPUTER SCREENS.
DO YOU GUYS REALIZE THAT CHRIST
WAS BORN TODAY?
JESUS CHRIST, OUR SAVIOR, WAS
BORN TODAY.
ARE ARE ARE YOU PEOPLE
EVEN HUMAN?
WHAT KIND OF CHRISTMAS IS THIS?
>> HEY, RICK?
RICK, CAN YOU HEAR ME?
>> Rick: LOUD AND CLEAR, ANNIE.
>> GREAT.
WE'RE ALSO ON WITH ALEJANDRO,
OUR CHF IMAGINARIAN.
>> HEY, RICK.
>> NATALIE JACOBS AND
CHRIS DESETER FROM MICROSCOPIC
MARKETING, ZACK FROM ORGAN
CONCEPTS, AND JAMIE FROM NEW
MEDIA.
>> Rick: HEY, EVERYBODY.
>> HI, HOW'S IT GOING?
>> HI, RICK.
>> SO, PIRATES OF THE PANCREAS.
>> Rick: YEAH. TALK TO ME.
>> HEY, RICK.
IT'S ALEJANDRO SPEAKING.
UM, SO, WE ASKED OURSELVES,
INTERNALLY WE ASKED OURSELVES
OVER HERE, "OKAY, WHAT DOES A
PANCREAS DO?"
AND THE ANSWER WAS, "DOES IT
MAKE PIRATES?"
NO, IT MAKES INSULIN, YOU KNOW?
SO, WE'RE STARTING WITH A NEW
>> THOSE GUYS ARE INSIDE ME,
HUH?
LIKE, BUILDING A PARK?
>> Rick: THOSE GUYS ARE INSIDE
YOU BUILDING A PCE OF SHIT,
ETHAN!
THEY'RE INSIDE YOU BUILDING A
MONUMENT TO COMPROMISE!
[BLEEP]'EM.
[BLEEP] THOSE PEOPLE.
[BLEEP] THIS WHOLE THING, ETHAN.
>> COOL.
AND WHO PAYS ME?
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