1
00:00:01,352 --> 00:00:04,201
Which brings
us to our penultimate item,

2
00:00:04,202 --> 00:00:08,251
which concerns... yet
again, and to no great surprise...

3
00:00:08,252 --> 00:00:09,391
the restrooms.

4
00:00:09,392 --> 00:00:12,231
Specifically, the towel dispensers.

5
00:00:12,232 --> 00:00:13,872
Why'd you get the loopy, old-timey

6
00:00:13,897 --> 00:00:15,371
cloth kind in the first place?

7
00:00:15,372 --> 00:00:16,431
Because... Shut up.

8
00:00:16,432 --> 00:00:18,281
And I don't know who's doing it,

9
00:00:18,282 --> 00:00:20,251
and I doubt even God knows why,

10
00:00:20,252 --> 00:00:22,261
but my next step is to have

11
00:00:22,262 --> 00:00:24,321
the damn things swabbed for DNA!

12
00:00:26,292 --> 00:00:30,281
Seems like it'd be easier just
to take out the trash cans.

13
00:00:30,282 --> 00:00:31,844
Whoever's doing it, they obviously

14
00:00:31,869 --> 00:00:33,361
have to climb up on a trash can.

15
00:00:33,362 --> 00:00:35,281
'Cause it's like, up here, so...

16
00:00:35,282 --> 00:00:38,241
Wow. Name a handsome
Hollywood power lawyer

17
00:00:38,242 --> 00:00:39,147
who is having major second

18
00:00:39,172 --> 00:00:40,401
thoughts about hiring you people.

19
00:00:40,402 --> 00:00:44,241
- Mr. Shapiro!
- Boom! Square gets the square!

20
00:00:44,242 --> 00:00:46,311
And I get going. You guys validate?

21
00:00:46,312 --> 00:00:49,321
Mr. Shapiro, please, as
I said on the phone,

22
00:00:49,322 --> 00:00:51,351
the Figgis Agency values your business,

23
00:00:51,352 --> 00:00:53,361
and I can assure
you this internal affair

24
00:00:53,362 --> 00:00:56,241
doesn't reflect our
ability as investigators, so...

25
00:00:56,242 --> 00:00:57,331
- Yes, it does.
- Archer?

26
00:00:57,332 --> 00:00:58,391
What? Shut up. If anything,

27
00:00:58,392 --> 00:01:00,321
it proves I'm a great investigator.

28
00:01:00,322 --> 00:01:03,331
I totally just
Encyclopedia Browned that thing.

29
00:01:03,332 --> 00:01:06,401
Bugs Meany is wiping
his ass on our towels?

30
00:01:06,402 --> 00:01:10,371
- No, dummy!
- Yes! It's the only explanation!

31
00:01:10,372 --> 00:01:13,211
Well, or any of the Tigers.

32
00:01:13,212 --> 00:01:15,281
So, is it like a stamp, or stickers...

33
00:01:15,282 --> 00:01:17,321
Please, you've come all this way.

34
00:01:17,322 --> 00:01:18,922
And obviously you thought we were

35
00:01:18,947 --> 00:01:20,381
the right agency for the job.

36
00:01:20,382 --> 00:01:23,381
And besides, we're only 25
cents a day, plus expenses.

37
00:01:23,382 --> 00:01:25,221
For the love of Christ, woman!

38
00:01:25,222 --> 00:01:27,311
Seriously, you gotta shut up.

39
00:01:27,312 --> 00:01:29,211
You shut up! Because I'm catching

40
00:01:29,212 --> 00:01:31,301
the first bus outta this hick town!

41
00:01:33,242 --> 00:01:35,201
Ha! So long, Idaville!

42
00:01:35,202 --> 00:01:36,211
As I was saying...

43
00:01:36,212 --> 00:01:37,341
Okay.

44
00:01:37,342 --> 00:01:39,241
- Hmm?
- Okay!

45
00:01:39,242 --> 00:01:41,421
I can't get anyone else
on such late notice, and...

46
00:01:41,422 --> 00:01:44,401
I dunno. Maybe you
people can handle this job, so...

47
00:01:44,402 --> 00:01:47,321
Mind if I, uh, beep boop?

48
00:01:47,322 --> 00:01:50,261
Oh, preesh. Okay, so

49
00:01:50,262 --> 00:01:52,201
I'm sure you all remember my client,

50
00:01:52,202 --> 00:01:54,261
Hollywood legend Veronica Deane.

51
00:01:54,262 --> 00:01:55,341
- Remember?
- Ugh.

52
00:01:55,342 --> 00:01:57,231
- Who could forget?
- Right?

53
00:01:57,232 --> 00:01:59,271
She almost makes me Q my G.

54
00:01:59,272 --> 00:02:01,130
What, did she die of old age?

55
00:02:01,131 --> 00:02:02,421
Oh, for the... She's 50!

56
00:02:02,422 --> 00:02:05,381
And, if anything, more
beautiful than ever.

57
00:02:05,382 --> 00:02:07,201
Especially when she's wearing...

58
00:02:09,302 --> 00:02:11,401
the Tsarina, an
emerald and diamond necklace

59
00:02:11,402 --> 00:02:15,381
crafted for Empress Maria
Alexandrovna in 1855,

60
00:02:15,382 --> 00:02:19,391
and now the, uh,
centerpiece of Ms. Deane's collection.

61
00:02:19,392 --> 00:02:22,371
My God, it must be worth millions!

62
00:02:22,372 --> 00:02:24,261
And you want us to steal it!

63
00:02:24,262 --> 00:02:28,231
I... No! No, that's the
exact opposite of what I want.

64
00:02:28,232 --> 00:02:30,371
She wants to wear the
Tsarina to a fund-raiser

65
00:02:30,372 --> 00:02:33,311
hosted by her ex-husband, Ellis Crane,

66
00:02:33,312 --> 00:02:37,261
Oscar-winning director
and also total jit-rag.

67
00:02:37,262 --> 00:02:38,381
- Ooh!
- He's handsome!

68
00:02:38,382 --> 00:02:40,341
Ugh! Total jit-rag.

69
00:02:40,342 --> 00:02:42,351
Wearing that necklace to a crowded event

70
00:02:42,352 --> 00:02:44,271
seems like a pretty big risk.

71
00:02:44,272 --> 00:02:45,421
I know. Believe me,

72
00:02:45,422 --> 00:02:47,744
I tried to talk Ms.
Deane out of wearing it, but...

73
00:02:47,745 --> 00:02:49,371
Is it just to rub it in his face?

74
00:02:49,372 --> 00:02:52,281
Man, I'd rub it in his face!

75
00:02:56,222 --> 00:02:59,341
- Pam!
- I will stop, but I will not apologize.

76
00:02:59,342 --> 00:03:01,361
So, you want us to guard the necklace.

77
00:03:01,362 --> 00:03:03,381
Yes. Undercover, at the fund-raiser.

78
00:03:03,382 --> 00:03:09,351
For which, I am prepared to
pay your agency s... $50,000.

79
00:03:09,352 --> 00:03:11,361
- Oh, nice!
- Pretty good.

80
00:03:11,362 --> 00:03:13,301
But surely the necklace is insured.

81
00:03:13,302 --> 00:03:15,231
And even if the deductible was, like...

82
00:03:15,232 --> 00:03:17,211
Obviously more than that, Lana.

83
00:03:17,212 --> 00:03:19,251
- Yeah, Lana.
- Holy shit-snacks!

84
00:03:19,252 --> 00:03:22,251
So we're going to a no-shit
black-tie Hollywood gala?

85
00:03:22,252 --> 00:03:23,381
Well, yes, but...

86
00:03:23,382 --> 00:03:25,371
But what do we wear? Is
it, like, gowns and gloves?

87
00:03:25,372 --> 00:03:27,431
And do I rent a girdle? Are there
gonna be dress fittings?

88
00:03:27,432 --> 00:03:30,291
Do I get a bikini wax? And
I don't know my tiara size!

89
00:03:30,292 --> 00:03:32,301
And, oh, my God, what of shoes?

90
00:03:32,302 --> 00:03:35,411
Uh, your attire will be provided.

91
00:03:35,412 --> 00:03:39,211
This is gonna be suckin' amazing!

92
00:03:39,212 --> 00:03:43,242
Yeah. For five-eighths of you.

93
00:04:13,683 --> 00:04:18,426
Synced and corrected by VitoSilans
- www.Addic7ed.com -

94
00:04:20,352 --> 00:04:24,202
And so, when I
said "suckin' amazing"...

95
00:04:25,372 --> 00:04:28,261
obviously I meant "suckin' bullshit."

96
00:04:28,262 --> 00:04:29,261
I mean...

97
00:04:29,262 --> 00:04:30,331
Seriously?

98
00:04:30,332 --> 00:04:33,201
Oh, quit your griping, you three.

99
00:04:33,202 --> 00:04:35,211
The whole idea is to blend in, so...

100
00:04:35,212 --> 00:04:36,311
Meaning?

101
00:04:36,312 --> 00:04:39,251
No. Meaning just... you know...

102
00:04:39,252 --> 00:04:41,401
You can't put lipstick on a pig.

103
00:04:41,402 --> 00:04:42,365
- Really?
- Excuse you?

104
00:04:42,390 --> 00:04:43,291
What's that supposed to mean?

105
00:04:43,292 --> 00:04:46,211
- Well, that's a little harsh.
- And also inaccurate.

106
00:04:46,212 --> 00:04:47,301
Lipstick, they don't really mind,

107
00:04:47,302 --> 00:04:50,261
but mascara? Huh, whole big thing.

108
00:04:50,262 --> 00:04:52,291
And I suppose he's blending?

109
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:55,281
- Who?
- You, Otto Von Jizmarck.

110
00:04:55,282 --> 00:04:56,431
I was gonna say Franz Turdinand.

111
00:04:56,432 --> 00:04:57,722
- Eh...
- Guys, come on.

112
00:04:57,747 --> 00:04:59,271
What's going on here?

113
00:04:59,272 --> 00:05:01,301
I was just explaining some basic tenets

114
00:05:01,302 --> 00:05:03,251
of fieldcraft to these three.

115
00:05:03,252 --> 00:05:04,391
Yeah, you gotta blend,

116
00:05:04,392 --> 00:05:06,271
but I meant what's going
on hors d'oeuvre-wise.

117
00:05:06,272 --> 00:05:07,281
Wouldn't you like to...

118
00:05:07,282 --> 00:05:09,251
Blend.

119
00:05:09,252 --> 00:05:11,291
This is a deconstructed slider

120
00:05:11,292 --> 00:05:13,201
made from certified Kobe beef

121
00:05:13,202 --> 00:05:14,331
from Hyogo prefecture,

122
00:05:14,332 --> 00:05:15,431
with a tarragon aioli.

123
00:05:15,432 --> 00:05:18,291
Tapas of pata negra jamón iberico,

124
00:05:18,292 --> 00:05:20,321
topped with queso Torta del Casar.

125
00:05:20,322 --> 00:05:22,351
And these are tiny quiches,

126
00:05:22,352 --> 00:05:24,371
probably made from
endangered quail eggs, or...

127
00:05:24,372 --> 00:05:26,401
No, none of this is that.

128
00:05:26,402 --> 00:05:31,381
This is the world's
most expensive Mc10:35.

129
00:05:33,202 --> 00:05:34,411
Oh, for the... Sterling!

130
00:05:34,412 --> 00:05:36,261
Is that really necessary?

131
00:05:36,262 --> 00:05:38,201
Mm. Mm-hm.

132
00:05:38,202 --> 00:05:39,331
Mm. Ah.

133
00:05:39,332 --> 00:05:41,251
Lana, this is Hollywood.

134
00:05:41,252 --> 00:05:43,361
None of this is even remotely necessary.

135
00:05:48,232 --> 00:05:49,341
So if you'll excuse me,

136
00:05:49,342 --> 00:05:52,301
I'm gonna go guard some
priceless emeralds.

137
00:05:52,302 --> 00:05:53,351
Oh, really?

138
00:05:53,352 --> 00:05:55,261
You're gonna go do the job

139
00:05:55,262 --> 00:05:57,261
I'm paying you a fortune to do?

140
00:05:57,262 --> 00:05:58,431
Might as well.

141
00:05:58,432 --> 00:06:00,391
I'm already here.

142
00:06:00,392 --> 00:06:03,241
And speaking of guarding the Tsarina,

143
00:06:03,242 --> 00:06:04,564
do you think the optimal

144
00:06:04,589 --> 00:06:06,381
formation for that is a clump?

145
00:06:06,382 --> 00:06:07,602
Really?

146
00:06:07,627 --> 00:06:09,311
Some bullshit job.

147
00:06:09,312 --> 00:06:11,163
Oh, my God, even for Idaville,

148
00:06:11,164 --> 00:06:14,411
this stupid party is so boring!

149
00:06:14,412 --> 00:06:17,422
Like, hire a clown, tinnitus people.

150
00:06:20,292 --> 00:06:23,271
Whatever, Pocket Tony Montana.

151
00:06:23,272 --> 00:06:27,421
Wait! Tiny Montana.

152
00:06:29,402 --> 00:06:31,281
Either one,

153
00:06:31,282 --> 00:06:35,401
oughta be quarantined
in the sick burn unit.

154
00:06:36,422 --> 00:06:38,311
Excuse me. Hi. Pardon me.

155
00:06:38,312 --> 00:06:39,341
Sterling Archer.

156
00:06:39,342 --> 00:06:40,391
Hello. Pardon me.

157
00:06:40,392 --> 00:06:42,311
Or move, basically.

158
00:06:42,312 --> 00:06:44,231
Good evening, Archbishop.

159
00:06:44,232 --> 00:06:46,251
Could you hold this for me?

160
00:06:46,252 --> 00:06:48,311
Pardon me. Yep. S-Sorry.

161
00:06:48,312 --> 00:06:49,421
That was my hand.

162
00:06:49,422 --> 00:06:51,361
Jesus, glad I'm not allergic to mink.

163
00:06:51,362 --> 00:06:53,341
- Right?
- Hm?

164
00:06:53,342 --> 00:06:55,422
Oh, hi. Uh, so sorry. I thought

165
00:06:55,447 --> 00:06:57,301
you were Commodore Perry.

166
00:06:57,302 --> 00:06:59,281
Oh, how dare you!

167
00:06:59,282 --> 00:07:01,241
Remember the Maine!

168
00:07:01,242 --> 00:07:02,321
Couple things.

169
00:07:02,322 --> 00:07:05,261
A, Perry opened Japan to the West.

170
00:07:05,262 --> 00:07:07,401
He died 40 years before
the sinking of the Maine,

171
00:07:07,402 --> 00:07:10,251
the cause of which... spoiler alert...

172
00:07:10,252 --> 00:07:13,321
has since been proven to
be improper coal storage,

173
00:07:13,322 --> 00:07:15,361
not a Spanish harbor mine.

174
00:07:15,362 --> 00:07:17,221
And two...

175
00:07:17,222 --> 00:07:19,211
he didn't have sideburns.

176
00:07:19,212 --> 00:07:20,221
Did he not?

177
00:07:20,222 --> 00:07:21,381
No.

178
00:07:21,382 --> 00:07:24,261
He was totally...

179
00:07:24,262 --> 00:07:26,301
completely...

180
00:07:26,302 --> 00:07:30,391
clean...

181
00:07:30,392 --> 00:07:32,271
shaven.

182
00:07:32,272 --> 00:07:35,261
Wow. Talk about smooth sailing.

183
00:07:35,262 --> 00:07:38,201
It was clearly the Age of Steam.

184
00:07:38,202 --> 00:07:40,271
Hi. Sterling Archer.

185
00:07:40,272 --> 00:07:42,311
What the... That little bitch!

186
00:07:42,312 --> 00:07:45,221
Oh, you're way prettier than her.

187
00:07:45,222 --> 00:07:46,231
I meant Archer.

188
00:07:46,232 --> 00:07:49,231
And also, dahoy.

189
00:07:50,292 --> 00:07:53,201
- Oh!
- Shut up!

190
00:07:53,202 --> 00:07:55,331
Excuse me. Pardon me. Think
you're gonna flirt...

191
00:07:55,332 --> 00:07:56,401
Hello. Right in front of me...

192
00:07:56,402 --> 00:07:58,431
Hi. With some C-list C-word!

193
00:07:58,432 --> 00:08:00,221
Impossible.

194
00:08:00,222 --> 00:08:01,241
Huh?

195
00:08:01,242 --> 00:08:03,211
My dear, how can this be?

196
00:08:03,212 --> 00:08:05,261
How have you never
been in one of my pictures?

197
00:08:05,262 --> 00:08:07,361
Hm. Because I'm not an actress?

198
00:08:07,362 --> 00:08:09,421
Huh. In what sense?

199
00:08:09,422 --> 00:08:10,431
Every.

200
00:08:10,432 --> 00:08:13,201
Perhaps we should begin anew.

201
00:08:13,202 --> 00:08:16,211
Ellis Crane, Academy Award winner.

202
00:08:16,212 --> 00:08:18,291
Lana Kane, private investigator.

203
00:08:18,292 --> 00:08:19,321
You're kidding.

204
00:08:19,322 --> 00:08:21,321
No, so if you ever have

205
00:08:21,322 --> 00:08:23,341
anything that needs private
investigating...

206
00:08:23,342 --> 00:08:25,291
I thought you were a producer.

207
00:08:25,292 --> 00:08:27,361
Uh, I produce results.

208
00:08:27,362 --> 00:08:30,201
Idiot!

209
00:08:30,202 --> 00:08:31,271
How was that my fault?

210
00:08:31,272 --> 00:08:33,201
How is everything your fault?

211
00:08:33,202 --> 00:08:34,321
Aw, leave him alone.

212
00:08:34,322 --> 00:08:36,391
He's not the one trying
to shuck your lady-corn.

213
00:08:36,392 --> 00:08:38,391
My what?

214
00:08:38,392 --> 00:08:41,371
Oh, so that's how it is now, huh?

215
00:08:41,372 --> 00:08:44,381
Well, then you can tell Lana that
two can play at that game.

216
00:08:44,382 --> 00:08:45,421
Where's Veronica Deane?

217
00:08:45,422 --> 00:08:47,311
How should I know?

218
00:08:47,312 --> 00:08:50,231
Y... Because you're
supposed to be guarding her.

219
00:08:50,232 --> 00:08:52,431
I'm also supposed to be pooling tips.

220
00:08:52,432 --> 00:08:56,281
Which I haven't gotten any yet, so...

221
00:08:56,282 --> 00:08:58,281
Hey, Ray! You getting any tips?

222
00:08:58,282 --> 00:09:01,231
- Hang on!
- Excuse me. Pardon me.

223
00:09:01,232 --> 00:09:03,281
Idiot!

224
00:09:03,282 --> 00:09:05,231
What's up her bleached asshole?

225
00:09:05,232 --> 00:09:07,211
Okay, so, I've been
watching like a hawk,

226
00:09:07,212 --> 00:09:09,351
and here's the
whats... Lana's pissed at Archer

227
00:09:09,352 --> 00:09:10,693
'cause she thought he was macking on

228
00:09:10,718 --> 00:09:12,361
Bleached Asshole, and
she's pissed at Archer

229
00:09:12,362 --> 00:09:14,261
'cause she thought he
was a Hollywood honcho

230
00:09:14,262 --> 00:09:16,201
like ol' Whitey Crane over there,

231
00:09:16,202 --> 00:09:18,331
who is macking on Lana, who's
totally full of crap

232
00:09:18,332 --> 00:09:19,785
'cause deep down, she's totally

233
00:09:19,810 --> 00:09:21,331
buyin' into Whitey's bullshit.

234
00:09:21,332 --> 00:09:23,353
So to get back at her, Archer's gonna

235
00:09:23,378 --> 00:09:25,321
pretend to mack on, but not really,

236
00:09:25,322 --> 00:09:26,694
'cause deep down, he's got a

237
00:09:26,719 --> 00:09:28,311
real-life crush-boner for her,

238
00:09:28,312 --> 00:09:29,381
Veronica Deane!

239
00:09:29,382 --> 00:09:31,381
Who we're supposed to be guarding.

240
00:09:31,382 --> 00:09:33,331
Well, "whom," but yeah.

241
00:09:33,332 --> 00:09:35,261
And she is...

242
00:09:35,262 --> 00:09:36,341
I don't know who she's into.

243
00:09:36,342 --> 00:09:38,241
I meant, where is she?

244
00:09:38,242 --> 00:09:39,281
How should I know?

245
00:09:39,282 --> 00:09:41,371
Yeah, who is she, Kate Warne?

246
00:09:41,372 --> 00:09:42,371
- What?
- Anyway,

247
00:09:42,372 --> 00:09:44,301
I don't want to jinx it,

248
00:09:44,302 --> 00:09:48,371
but this might end up...  a murder mystery.

249
00:09:48,372 --> 00:09:50,421
Well, fingers crossed.

250
00:09:50,422 --> 00:09:52,261
Clump!

251
00:09:52,262 --> 00:09:53,371
Aah...

252
00:10:00,814 --> 00:10:04,177
Okay.
Okay, here we go.

253
00:10:04,178 --> 00:10:06,237
Hello?

254
00:10:06,238 --> 00:10:09,098
Excuse me, Miss Deane?

255
00:10:13,128 --> 00:10:14,227
Yes?

256
00:10:16,178 --> 00:10:18,257
I have tinnitus.

257
00:10:18,258 --> 00:10:20,207
Why do we have to clean it up?

258
00:10:20,208 --> 00:10:22,207
Her dumb ass broke the damn thing.

259
00:10:22,208 --> 00:10:24,197
Well, he's the one
sneaking around, scaring people

260
00:10:24,198 --> 00:10:25,267
like Casper the Ghost.

261
00:10:25,268 --> 00:10:28,277
A... Casper was the Friendly Ghost.

262
00:10:28,278 --> 00:10:32,237
Well, take a page from his book.

263
00:10:32,238 --> 00:10:34,177
You ever wonder how Casper died?

264
00:10:34,178 --> 00:10:37,207
When you're finished here, un-clump!

265
00:10:37,208 --> 00:10:39,257
'Cause my theory is Casper and Spooky

266
00:10:39,258 --> 00:10:42,207
were kidnapped, raped, and murdered...

267
00:10:42,208 --> 00:10:43,317
by Stevie.

268
00:10:43,318 --> 00:10:46,267
Wow, that sounds pretty dark.

269
00:10:46,268 --> 00:10:49,107
No, Miss Kane, not dark.

270
00:10:49,108 --> 00:10:50,217
Noir.

271
00:10:50,218 --> 00:10:52,197
- I...
- Or nouveau noir, if you must,

272
00:10:52,198 --> 00:10:53,297
but rest assured, my dear,

273
00:10:53,298 --> 00:10:56,277
Deadly Velvet will redefine the genre.

274
00:10:56,278 --> 00:10:58,237
Of the private-eye movie?

275
00:11:02,238 --> 00:11:04,117
Um, are you...

276
00:11:04,118 --> 00:11:05,267
Madam, you wound me.

277
00:11:07,198 --> 00:11:10,197
Deadly Velvet is going to
be a cinematic tour de force,

278
00:11:10,198 --> 00:11:13,137
and I want you deeply involved.

279
00:11:13,138 --> 00:11:15,317
Well, but I haven't
been a private investigator

280
00:11:15,318 --> 00:11:17,087
for very long.

281
00:11:17,088 --> 00:11:18,197
Had Shocking Blue been a band

282
00:11:18,198 --> 00:11:20,207
very long before they recorded "Venus"?

283
00:11:20,208 --> 00:11:21,227
- I...
- No.

284
00:11:21,228 --> 00:11:22,257
I don't know.

285
00:11:22,258 --> 00:11:23,287
We can't know.

286
00:11:23,288 --> 00:11:25,257
And speaking of not knowing...

287
00:11:25,258 --> 00:11:27,257
what does a technical advisor even do?

288
00:11:27,258 --> 00:11:29,217
Well, advise on
technical matters, of course,

289
00:11:29,218 --> 00:11:31,147
but I think you could also help me

290
00:11:31,148 --> 00:11:35,187
really get inside the
mind of the private detective.

291
00:11:35,188 --> 00:11:39,187
What... makes... her... tick.

292
00:11:39,188 --> 00:11:41,187
Oh, wow, it's a female lead?

293
00:11:41,188 --> 00:11:44,107
What?

294
00:11:44,108 --> 00:11:45,167
Oh, God, no.

295
00:11:45,168 --> 00:11:48,097
What does Lana think she's doing?

296
00:11:48,098 --> 00:11:49,247
Well, I think she's...

297
00:11:49,248 --> 00:11:51,087
She's embarrassing herself. That's what.

298
00:11:51,088 --> 00:11:52,287
Fawning all over Ellis Crane.

299
00:11:52,288 --> 00:11:54,147
Trying to make Archer...

300
00:11:54,148 --> 00:11:55,277
When he's clearly much better suited

301
00:11:55,278 --> 00:11:57,237
for a woman like, well,

302
00:11:57,238 --> 00:11:58,277
me.

303
00:11:58,278 --> 00:12:01,097
Jealous. Hey, how's Ron?

304
00:12:01,098 --> 00:12:02,207
He's great.

305
00:12:02,208 --> 00:12:05,107
How's nobody?

306
00:12:07,288 --> 00:12:09,117
You're gon...

307
00:12:12,098 --> 00:12:13,287
I [bleep] you on a blimp.

308
00:12:15,238 --> 00:12:17,217
Oh, my God!

309
00:12:17,218 --> 00:12:19,287
That's right.

310
00:12:19,288 --> 00:12:21,317
Man, what ever happened to blimps?

311
00:12:21,318 --> 00:12:23,307
I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that.

312
00:12:23,308 --> 00:12:25,177
I mean, I do have tinnitus,

313
00:12:25,178 --> 00:12:26,287
but that's not the main thing.

314
00:12:26,288 --> 00:12:28,257
I'm sorry. I'm babbling.

315
00:12:28,258 --> 00:12:30,257
Hello. Uh, Sterling Archer.

316
00:12:30,258 --> 00:12:33,157
And we have actually met.

317
00:12:33,158 --> 00:12:35,277
You hired me to meet some blackmailers

318
00:12:35,278 --> 00:12:37,277
and exchange...

319
00:12:37,278 --> 00:12:39,127
I know exactly who you are.

320
00:12:39,128 --> 00:12:40,147
Hm?

321
00:12:40,148 --> 00:12:41,257
What I don't know, Mr. Archer,

322
00:12:41,258 --> 00:12:44,097
is why you would think
it even remotely acceptable

323
00:12:44,098 --> 00:12:45,207
to discuss such private matters

324
00:12:45,208 --> 00:12:47,097
in such a public setting.

325
00:12:49,198 --> 00:12:50,237
I'm sorry.

326
00:12:50,238 --> 00:12:53,187
It's all just so very sensitive.

327
00:12:53,188 --> 00:12:54,267
Now, why are you here?

328
00:12:54,268 --> 00:12:57,137
Well, for one thing, it's a great cause.

329
00:12:57,138 --> 00:12:59,137
But for another, more accurate thing,

330
00:12:59,138 --> 00:13:01,087
we're here because Shapiro hired us.

331
00:13:01,088 --> 00:13:02,147
What? Why?

332
00:13:02,148 --> 00:13:03,277
To guard the the Tsarina.

333
00:13:03,278 --> 00:13:06,147
I knew I shouldn't have worn it.

334
00:13:06,148 --> 00:13:08,127
No... Yes, you totally should have.

335
00:13:08,128 --> 00:13:10,207
And I get it. I get why you did.

336
00:13:10,208 --> 00:13:12,267
- I wore it bec...
- Because, come to find out,

337
00:13:12,268 --> 00:13:13,753
you and I find ourselves

338
00:13:13,778 --> 00:13:15,297
- in the same boat.
- What?

339
00:13:15,298 --> 00:13:17,267
And it's a totally shit boat,

340
00:13:17,268 --> 00:13:20,297
and the cargo is
pathetic petty jealousy.

341
00:13:20,298 --> 00:13:22,197
- What?
- And so I apologize

342
00:13:22,198 --> 00:13:23,267
for being so forward,

343
00:13:23,268 --> 00:13:25,187
but I think this needs to happen,

344
00:13:25,188 --> 00:13:27,157
and I think it's a win-win.

345
00:13:27,158 --> 00:13:28,267
What...

346
00:13:33,278 --> 00:13:35,277
Mother...

347
00:13:39,108 --> 00:13:40,177
What the...

348
00:13:41,288 --> 00:13:43,127
Get on the ground!

349
00:13:47,098 --> 00:13:48,177
Get down! Move!

350
00:13:48,178 --> 00:13:49,267
Archer!

351
00:13:49,268 --> 00:13:51,187
Lana!

352
00:13:51,188 --> 00:13:52,268
Come on.

353
00:13:57,178 --> 00:14:01,197
Ladies... and... gentlemen...

354
00:14:01,198 --> 00:14:02,267
Come on, come on, come
on, come on, come on, come on.

355
00:14:02,268 --> 00:14:04,307
- What are you doing?
- Shut up.

356
00:14:04,308 --> 00:14:08,207
That is so baller.

357
00:14:08,208 --> 00:14:11,217
But, like, old-school baller.

358
00:14:11,218 --> 00:14:14,157
- Like medicine baller.
- Shh.

359
00:14:14,158 --> 00:14:17,117
Children of all ages,

360
00:14:17,118 --> 00:14:20,307
welcome to this robbery.

361
00:14:20,308 --> 00:14:22,317
I am your host,

362
00:14:22,318 --> 00:14:25,227
Mr. Rompers.

363
00:14:25,228 --> 00:14:27,138
And I did not tell you to stop.

364
00:14:31,148 --> 00:14:33,107
Okay, I think that red one's the leader,

365
00:14:33,108 --> 00:14:35,107
so you're gonna want
to take him out first.

366
00:14:35,108 --> 00:14:37,167
Now, we do not wish to harm you.

367
00:14:37,168 --> 00:14:39,097
Take him out? With what?

368
00:14:39,098 --> 00:14:41,107
But if you try anything foolish...

369
00:14:41,108 --> 00:14:42,207
How do you not have a gun?

370
00:14:42,208 --> 00:14:43,307
Uh, dahoy.

371
00:14:43,308 --> 00:14:45,277
You will die here tonight.

372
00:14:45,278 --> 00:14:47,167
Oh, right. Yeah, that thing's

373
00:14:47,168 --> 00:14:49,157
about three sizes too small as it is.

374
00:14:49,158 --> 00:14:51,157
And how do you not have a gun?

375
00:14:51,158 --> 00:14:53,147
Well, I would have if I had a jacket,

376
00:14:53,148 --> 00:14:55,147
but since I'm just a lowly waiter...

377
00:14:55,148 --> 00:14:57,127
Well, maybe you can pout your way out.

378
00:14:58,208 --> 00:15:00,157
Shh...

379
00:15:00,158 --> 00:15:01,217
That was her,

380
00:15:01,218 --> 00:15:03,147
running her fat mouth.

381
00:15:10,013 --> 00:15:11,759
Ladies and gentlemen,

382
00:15:11,931 --> 00:15:14,661
please, this is all very simple.

383
00:15:14,662 --> 00:15:16,691
Every phone line has been cut.

384
00:15:16,692 --> 00:15:18,781
Every exit has been booby-trapped.

385
00:15:18,782 --> 00:15:20,093
Now, please, give your

386
00:15:20,118 --> 00:15:21,761
cell phones to Mr. Oingo.

387
00:15:21,762 --> 00:15:23,751
He's the handsome gentleman in orange.

388
00:15:23,752 --> 00:15:26,591
And give your valuables to Mr. Boingo.

389
00:15:26,592 --> 00:15:28,591
He's the handsome gentleman in blue!

390
00:15:28,592 --> 00:15:31,581
Please, we do not wish to harm you!

391
00:15:31,582 --> 00:15:33,741
Please, just do as they say!

392
00:15:33,742 --> 00:15:36,671
Thank you, my good sir. Finished?

393
00:15:36,672 --> 00:15:38,701
Hm? Uh, hm. Uh, yes...

394
00:15:40,582 --> 00:15:41,641
Are you insane?

395
00:15:41,642 --> 00:15:42,741
I don't know. Maybe.

396
00:15:42,742 --> 00:15:44,601
But check this out.

397
00:15:45,772 --> 00:15:47,751
And that, ladies and germs,

398
00:15:47,752 --> 00:15:50,631
is the very best you can expect.

399
00:15:50,632 --> 00:15:52,020
And if Veronica Deane

400
00:15:52,021 --> 00:15:55,551
doesn't get her wrinkly old
ass out here with the Tsarina,

401
00:15:55,552 --> 00:15:57,681
I guess we'll have to go find it!

402
00:15:57,682 --> 00:15:59,671
Shh.

403
00:15:59,672 --> 00:16:01,551
First of all...

404
00:16:01,552 --> 00:16:03,711
Giggles! Yum-Yum! Pinky Brewster!

405
00:16:03,712 --> 00:16:07,619
Tear this place apart, room by room!

406
00:16:07,620 --> 00:16:09,771
And please don't take
this the wrong way,

407
00:16:09,772 --> 00:16:12,731
but your butt is like ka-kow.

408
00:16:12,732 --> 00:16:13,761
They're going to kill me.

409
00:16:13,762 --> 00:16:15,671
No, no, they're not.

410
00:16:15,672 --> 00:16:17,781
I have a plan, but I'm
going to need you to trust me.

411
00:16:17,782 --> 00:16:19,601
Why?

412
00:16:19,602 --> 00:16:20,470
Because this.

413
00:16:20,628 --> 00:16:21,731
What are you doing?

414
00:16:21,732 --> 00:16:22,781
They'll see it.

415
00:16:22,782 --> 00:16:24,897
Shh. I know. I want them to.

416
00:16:25,052 --> 00:16:26,184
What? Why?

417
00:16:26,185 --> 00:16:27,691
Because I'm gonna... um,

418
00:16:27,692 --> 00:16:29,631
incapacitate one of them

419
00:16:29,632 --> 00:16:30,731
and then take his place.

420
00:16:30,732 --> 00:16:32,591
Are you insane?

421
00:16:32,592 --> 00:16:33,771
What? It's a proven concept.

422
00:16:33,772 --> 00:16:36,611
Luke Skywalker and Han Solo.

423
00:16:36,612 --> 00:16:38,691
Um, probably a ton of other examples.

424
00:16:38,692 --> 00:16:40,641
Oh, God. I'm gonna die.

425
00:16:40,642 --> 00:16:42,551
- I'm gonna die.
- Shh, hush, no you're not,

426
00:16:42,552 --> 00:16:43,671
I'm gonna get you out of here.

427
00:16:43,672 --> 00:16:44,761
But to do that,

428
00:16:44,762 --> 00:16:46,781
I'm gonna have to do a very bad thing.

429
00:16:46,782 --> 00:16:49,661
W-What? What do you mean?

430
00:16:49,662 --> 00:16:51,561
Great.

431
00:16:51,562 --> 00:16:52,722
Had to be the goofy pink one.

432
00:16:54,151 --> 00:16:55,781
Just promise me you won't scream.

433
00:16:55,782 --> 00:16:57,571
I... What?

434
00:16:57,572 --> 00:16:58,681
I can't promise that.

435
00:16:58,682 --> 00:17:00,571
Okay, so if you feel it coming,

436
00:17:00,572 --> 00:17:02,641
maybe just do it into
your hand, phrasing.

437
00:17:02,642 --> 00:17:03,691
Can you do that for me?

438
00:17:03,692 --> 00:17:05,611
I... I don't know.

439
00:17:05,612 --> 00:17:06,621
I'll try.

440
00:17:06,622 --> 00:17:07,661
Good, you're doing great.

441
00:17:07,662 --> 00:17:08,771
Just remember to breathe

442
00:17:08,772 --> 00:17:10,571
in and out.

443
00:17:10,572 --> 00:17:11,691
In...

444
00:17:11,692 --> 00:17:13,571
and out.

445
00:17:13,572 --> 00:17:14,661
In...

446
00:17:14,662 --> 00:17:15,701
and out.

447
00:17:15,702 --> 00:17:17,631
Phrasing, doing great,

448
00:17:17,632 --> 00:17:19,721
and sorry in advance for
what's about to happen.

449
00:17:22,652 --> 00:17:24,631
Oh, baby,

450
00:17:24,632 --> 00:17:25,771
don't you worry.

451
00:17:25,772 --> 00:17:28,701
I'm gonna give you something
to scream about.

452
00:17:28,702 --> 00:17:30,561
Hey, Rompers, guess...

453
00:17:44,712 --> 00:17:47,611
So hey, again, I'm sorry.

454
00:17:47,612 --> 00:17:49,681
Why, that wasn't so bad.

455
00:17:49,682 --> 00:17:51,751
I mean, you made it
sound like you were going to...

456
00:17:55,682 --> 00:17:58,681
No, sorry for that.

457
00:17:58,682 --> 00:17:59,781
Why did you do that?

458
00:17:59,782 --> 00:18:02,245
What? That... That's how you do it.

459
00:18:02,366 --> 00:18:03,751
You could have just tied him up.

460
00:18:03,752 --> 00:18:06,621
With what? And also, no, I couldn't.

461
00:18:06,622 --> 00:18:07,721
That only works in the movies.

462
00:18:07,722 --> 00:18:10,551
He would've gotten loose or yelled or...

463
00:18:10,552 --> 00:18:12,601
Well, shooting him would've
been better than that.

464
00:18:12,602 --> 00:18:14,641
Not for him. Plus it's really loud,

465
00:18:14,642 --> 00:18:16,711
and I actually do have tinnitus, so...

466
00:18:16,712 --> 00:18:18,691
Where did you learn that, the army?

467
00:18:18,692 --> 00:18:22,477
What? No, no, God, no.

468
00:18:22,478 --> 00:18:23,691
But, I mean, don't get me wrong.

469
00:18:23,692 --> 00:18:25,641
I truly appreciate the sacrifices

470
00:18:25,642 --> 00:18:27,691
of the men and women who
serve in our armed forces,

471
00:18:27,692 --> 00:18:29,790
but there's easier ways to almost

472
00:18:29,815 --> 00:18:31,641
be eligible for food stamps.

473
00:18:31,642 --> 00:18:33,701
It is just criminal what they get paid.

474
00:18:33,702 --> 00:18:35,711
Although, I'd probably be an officer.

475
00:18:35,712 --> 00:18:37,771
Still, though...

476
00:18:37,772 --> 00:18:39,731
seems like a lot of running.

477
00:18:39,732 --> 00:18:41,571
And now if you'll excuse me,

478
00:18:41,572 --> 00:18:43,611
I'm going to go kill some evil clowns.

479
00:18:44,772 --> 00:18:46,591
Do you...

480
00:18:46,592 --> 00:18:47,691
have an erection?

481
00:18:47,692 --> 00:18:49,552
No.

482
00:18:50,782 --> 00:18:51,782
No.

483
00:19:05,506 --> 00:19:06,595
There he is.

484
00:19:08,386 --> 00:19:09,505
How you doing, bub?

485
00:19:09,506 --> 00:19:10,595
Uh, who...

486
00:19:10,596 --> 00:19:12,495
Whuzza...

487
00:19:12,496 --> 00:19:14,525
Where... What happened?

488
00:19:14,526 --> 00:19:16,547
Oh, my God, what didn't happen?

489
00:19:16,692 --> 00:19:18,184
Well, for starters,

490
00:19:18,185 --> 00:19:19,525
you're a one-hitter quitter.

491
00:19:19,526 --> 00:19:21,565
Wait. How long was I out?

492
00:19:21,566 --> 00:19:23,565
Hm, like five hours?

493
00:19:23,566 --> 00:19:25,692
Oh, that is not good.

494
00:19:25,839 --> 00:19:27,455
Uh, no.

495
00:19:27,456 --> 00:19:28,825
You're gonna want a brain scan,

496
00:19:29,033 --> 00:19:30,575
you know, if we don't get murdered.

497
00:19:30,576 --> 00:19:32,365
Which...

498
00:19:32,366 --> 00:19:33,425
Veronica!

499
00:19:33,426 --> 00:19:34,425
Where's Veronica?

500
00:19:34,426 --> 00:19:35,575
That's the thing.

501
00:19:35,576 --> 00:19:37,435
Nobody knows.

502
00:19:37,436 --> 00:19:39,445
And these guys are losing their shit.

503
00:19:39,446 --> 00:19:40,555
Well, they're under a lot of stress.

504
00:19:40,556 --> 00:19:42,435
Don't start.

505
00:19:42,436 --> 00:19:44,405
Because somehow, some stupid idiot

506
00:19:44,406 --> 00:19:45,565
must've called 911.

507
00:19:45,566 --> 00:19:48,375
And so about a jillion
cops showed up,

508
00:19:48,376 --> 00:19:50,485
so then it was a full-on siege.

509
00:19:50,486 --> 00:19:52,515
And then after that, the head clown...

510
00:19:52,516 --> 00:19:54,545
Mr. Rompers.

511
00:19:54,546 --> 00:19:56,375
He's awesome.

512
00:19:56,376 --> 00:19:57,565
And he was like, "This blows dicks.

513
00:19:57,566 --> 00:19:59,475
The bathroom situation's a nightmare.

514
00:19:59,476 --> 00:20:01,395
I'm making an executive decision.

515
00:20:01,396 --> 00:20:02,535
This is too many hostages."

516
00:20:02,536 --> 00:20:04,515
And so then they let everyone go.

517
00:20:04,516 --> 00:20:06,595
Wait, what? Everybody?

518
00:20:06,596 --> 00:20:09,585
Well, except for kinda...

519
00:20:09,586 --> 00:20:13,415
the core group.

520
00:20:13,416 --> 00:20:15,535
Oh, and the band, which...

521
00:20:15,536 --> 00:20:18,445
Good job, guys! Doing great!

522
00:20:18,446 --> 00:20:20,863
Goddamn it!

523
00:20:20,888 --> 00:20:23,465
What did I say about running your mouth?

524
00:20:23,466 --> 00:20:25,545
Sorry, that was my jam.

525
00:20:25,546 --> 00:20:28,485
Hey, Mr. Rompers.

526
00:20:28,486 --> 00:20:30,475
Shut... up!

527
00:20:30,476 --> 00:20:32,375
Everybody!

528
00:20:33,406 --> 00:20:35,375
Wait, so did...

529
00:20:35,376 --> 00:20:36,395
Shut up.

530
00:20:36,396 --> 00:20:37,445
Pam, tell him the best part.

531
00:20:37,446 --> 00:20:39,535
Wh... That is the least best part.

532
00:20:39,536 --> 00:20:41,365
Tell him!

533
00:20:41,366 --> 00:20:42,395
So Cheryl here...

534
00:20:42,396 --> 00:20:43,535
I'm sorry.

535
00:20:43,536 --> 00:20:47,415
Tania here has decided she's
got Stockholm Syndrome.

536
00:20:47,416 --> 00:20:50,575
And soon I will be Mrs. Rompers.

537
00:20:50,576 --> 00:20:52,475
Again, that's if we don't get murdered.

538
00:20:53,516 --> 00:20:55,416
Shh.

539
00:20:56,436 --> 00:20:58,426
Which...

540
00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:02,470
Synced and corrected by VitoSilans
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