1
00:00:12,290 --> 00:00:14,257
Well, what do you think?
2
00:00:14,325 --> 00:00:16,159
I think that in my next life
3
00:00:16,227 --> 00:00:17,693
I'm gonna come back as a movie star.
4
00:00:17,762 --> 00:00:19,228
Yeah, look out, gay porn.
5
00:00:19,297 --> 00:00:21,297
Rimshot.
Yeah, that could be your name.
6
00:00:21,366 --> 00:00:22,832
So what, some movie star lives here?
7
00:00:22,901 --> 00:00:24,801
Veronica Deane.
Can you believe it?
8
00:00:24,869 --> 00:00:27,203
No shit.
You like her?
9
00:00:27,272 --> 00:00:29,138
What, as an actress
or for this homicide?
10
00:00:29,207 --> 00:00:30,957
Both.
Well, it's been a while
11
00:00:31,042 --> 00:00:32,909
since I've seen her
in anything, but man,
12
00:00:32,977 --> 00:00:35,912
she was incredible in Shanghai Moon.
13
00:00:35,980 --> 00:00:39,048
Oh, my God, that dress.
Oh, bejeezles, right?
14
00:00:39,117 --> 00:00:41,417
But as for Tennessee Tuxedo
here, I want to talk to her.
15
00:00:41,486 --> 00:00:43,419
See if she knows who tried
to weight him down--
16
00:00:43,488 --> 00:00:45,021
with an ounce of lead.
17
00:00:45,089 --> 00:00:47,023
Found it on the ground
over there by the table.
18
00:00:47,091 --> 00:00:49,225
Is it hers?
Hard to tell with no serial number.
19
00:00:49,294 --> 00:00:51,093
Probably why they put 'em on there.
Rimshot.
20
00:00:51,162 --> 00:00:52,428
You should ask Veronica Deane
21
00:00:52,497 --> 00:00:54,297
if her agent reps gay porn stars.
22
00:00:54,365 --> 00:00:55,932
And maybe if she murdered this guy.
23
00:00:56,000 --> 00:00:58,334
You got a real knack for this.
Thanks.
24
00:00:58,403 --> 00:01:00,697
But the household staff says she
hasn't been home since yesterday.
25
00:01:00,817 --> 00:01:03,076
And him?
They say that as of midnight
26
00:01:03,196 --> 00:01:05,653
the pool did not contain a dead waiter.
27
00:01:05,773 --> 00:01:07,290
Okay, so...
28
00:01:07,410 --> 00:01:09,094
let's get some unis on the gates,
29
00:01:09,214 --> 00:01:11,180
front, backside, whatever.
Nobody in or out.
30
00:01:11,249 --> 00:01:12,982
And while we wait
for the M.E.,
31
00:01:13,051 --> 00:01:15,885
we'll go talk to the staff,
maybe jog somebody's memory.
32
00:01:15,954 --> 00:01:18,187
Rim Schott.
How was that funny?
33
00:01:18,256 --> 00:01:19,956
No, as my gay porn name.
34
00:01:20,024 --> 00:01:21,991
You know--
35
00:01:22,060 --> 00:01:23,593
Rim Schott.
36
00:01:23,661 --> 00:01:24,994
Right?
37
00:02:11,392 --> 00:02:14,377
It's not that bad.
38
00:02:14,445 --> 00:02:17,513
No, on the contrary, it's wonderful.
39
00:02:17,582 --> 00:02:18,948
If you enjoy starving to death.
40
00:02:19,017 --> 00:02:20,316
Oh, please, Mother.
41
00:02:20,385 --> 00:02:22,025
The only thing you eat
is cocktail onions.
42
00:02:22,053 --> 00:02:23,653
I simply cannot believe
43
00:02:23,721 --> 00:02:26,322
I let you talk me
into this boondoggle!
44
00:02:26,391 --> 00:02:28,057
Not just me. Lana?
45
00:02:28,126 --> 00:02:29,992
Okay, me too.
A little.
46
00:02:30,061 --> 00:02:31,928
But only because
the CIA blacklisted us.
47
00:02:31,996 --> 00:02:33,529
Plus now with A.J.
48
00:02:33,598 --> 00:02:35,565
I thought it would be safer
than being a spy.
49
00:02:35,633 --> 00:02:37,700
It's safer than being a librarian!
50
00:02:37,769 --> 00:02:40,002
Three months and not a single client.
51
00:02:40,071 --> 00:02:43,072
Oh, for-- Mother, when the word
gets out that Sterling Archer,
52
00:02:43,141 --> 00:02:45,474
the world's greatest
former secret agent,
53
00:02:45,543 --> 00:02:47,977
has his own frickin'
detective agency--
54
00:02:48,046 --> 00:02:51,080
Which technically, you do not.
55
00:02:51,149 --> 00:02:53,616
Because California is assholes.
56
00:02:53,685 --> 00:02:56,052
What have I been saying?
Something about bears.
57
00:02:56,120 --> 00:02:58,754
Because what other explanation
could there possibly be
58
00:02:58,823 --> 00:03:01,991
for California deciding
that a stupid law degree--
59
00:03:02,060 --> 00:03:04,026
And a B.A.
in Criminal Justice.
60
00:03:04,095 --> 00:03:07,396
Shut up. Somehow qualifies
an otherwise total idiot
61
00:03:07,465 --> 00:03:10,533
for a private investigator's
license, but an entire career
62
00:03:10,602 --> 00:03:13,202
as a secret agent does not.
Well, you're lucky they did,
63
00:03:13,271 --> 00:03:15,838
or you, or Ray, or you, Lana,
64
00:03:15,907 --> 00:03:18,580
couldn't work as an
investigator under my license.
65
00:03:18,700 --> 00:03:22,320
And I'm sure that's the last time
we'll hear anything about that. Not.
66
00:03:22,440 --> 00:03:24,028
And you can be sure that the minute...
67
00:03:24,148 --> 00:03:27,016
Wait, the second I qualify
for my P.I. license,
68
00:03:27,085 --> 00:03:29,085
this is the Archer Agency.
69
00:03:29,153 --> 00:03:31,454
Fair enough.
So let's circle back
70
00:03:31,522 --> 00:03:34,757
when you have 2,000 hours
of investigative work
71
00:03:34,826 --> 00:03:37,326
certified by your licensed
employer, who is me.
72
00:03:37,395 --> 00:03:39,662
Cyril--
And... go!
73
00:03:39,731 --> 00:03:42,098
2,000 hours?
74
00:03:42,166 --> 00:03:44,333
At this rate--
Mother, we will get clients.
75
00:03:44,402 --> 00:03:46,202
All we need
is one high-profile case.
76
00:03:46,270 --> 00:03:48,270
And some kick-ass advertising.
77
00:03:48,339 --> 00:03:50,006
Give me that.
78
00:03:50,074 --> 00:03:52,475
Pam, if a single one of these
has left this building,
79
00:03:52,543 --> 00:03:54,810
I will personally
sew you into a canvas bag
80
00:03:54,879 --> 00:03:58,114
full of rats and throw
that bag into the river.
81
00:03:58,182 --> 00:04:00,383
I gotta go get my car smogged!
82
00:04:00,451 --> 00:04:02,451
What river?
It's a concrete slab.
83
00:04:02,520 --> 00:04:04,654
The headline there was a bag of rats.
84
00:04:04,722 --> 00:04:07,289
Here's a headline.
"Malory Archer bankrupt.
85
00:04:07,358 --> 00:04:09,191
Feckless Son to Blame."
Look--
86
00:04:09,260 --> 00:04:10,960
And even if we get a case,
87
00:04:11,029 --> 00:04:13,629
what, some cheating husband,
fake whiplash?
88
00:04:13,698 --> 00:04:17,433
The whole thing
is just so...grubby!
89
00:04:17,502 --> 00:04:19,035
- Grubby? Grubby?!
- Excuse me.
90
00:04:19,103 --> 00:04:21,637
When we were spies, you murdered
the Prime Minister of Italy.
91
00:04:21,706 --> 00:04:23,339
Prove it.
I can't!
92
00:04:23,408 --> 00:04:25,775
Uh, excuse me?
Because Krieger chopped him up,
93
00:04:25,843 --> 00:04:27,543
and then we stuffed him in trash cans
94
00:04:27,612 --> 00:04:29,145
all over four different boroughs.
95
00:04:29,213 --> 00:04:31,447
Well, then.
Wait. Four?
96
00:04:31,516 --> 00:04:33,649
I'm not schlepping to Staten Island
97
00:04:33,718 --> 00:04:35,118
in the middle of the goddamn night.
98
00:04:35,153 --> 00:04:36,252
Hey!
99
00:04:36,320 --> 00:04:38,054
Jesus, lady, earballs!
100
00:04:38,122 --> 00:04:41,157
Is this the Figgis Agency?
101
00:04:41,225 --> 00:04:42,758
Well, we're not married
to that, but--
102
00:04:42,827 --> 00:04:44,427
Yes, we are.
103
00:04:44,495 --> 00:04:46,362
And yes, it is.
104
00:04:46,431 --> 00:04:48,864
Hello, Cyril Figgis.
Owner, CEO,
105
00:04:48,933 --> 00:04:51,600
and fully licensed
private investigator.
106
00:04:51,669 --> 00:04:53,202
Veronica Deane.
107
00:04:53,271 --> 00:04:55,938
The movie star?!
108
00:04:56,007 --> 00:05:00,376
Ugh. May we talk
somewhere...else?
109
00:05:00,445 --> 00:05:03,512
Blackmail.
I'm afraid so.
110
00:05:03,581 --> 00:05:05,981
You see, my home
was burgled recently,
111
00:05:06,050 --> 00:05:08,884
and in addition to cash
and some jewelry,
112
00:05:08,953 --> 00:05:12,421
they stole a computer disk
with, I suppose
113
00:05:12,490 --> 00:05:16,659
you might call it,
sensitive information?
114
00:05:16,728 --> 00:05:18,294
It's nine o'clock in the morning.
115
00:05:18,362 --> 00:05:19,795
I'm still on Eastern time.
116
00:05:19,864 --> 00:05:21,497
Archer.
It's lunchtime there.
117
00:05:21,566 --> 00:05:24,433
Yesterday, a lawyer named
Alan Shapiro contacted me.
118
00:05:24,502 --> 00:05:26,569
He said he was
in possession of the disk
119
00:05:26,637 --> 00:05:28,704
and wished to arrange its return.
120
00:05:28,773 --> 00:05:29,773
For a fee.
121
00:05:29,807 --> 00:05:31,273
And the fee was?
122
00:05:31,342 --> 00:05:33,375
I would think none of your concern.
123
00:05:33,444 --> 00:05:41,050
But--
Yeah, Lana.
124
00:05:41,119 --> 00:05:42,752
Oh, Ellis Crane, the movie director.
125
00:05:42,820 --> 00:05:44,520
So do you have any reason to suspect
126
00:05:44,589 --> 00:05:45,654
your ex-husband
is behind this?
127
00:05:45,723 --> 00:05:47,323
I have every reason.
128
00:05:47,391 --> 00:05:49,058
Yeah. Lana.
129
00:05:49,127 --> 00:05:51,260
What?!
But Mr. Shapiro wanted to meet me
130
00:05:51,329 --> 00:05:53,963
at his house, so I assume
the disk is there,
131
00:05:54,031 --> 00:05:55,498
presumably in a safe.
132
00:05:55,566 --> 00:05:58,534
I want you to go there
and recover it.
133
00:05:58,603 --> 00:06:00,236
You mean steal it.
I mean--
134
00:06:00,304 --> 00:06:02,104
Lana, she can't steal
what's already hers.
135
00:06:02,173 --> 00:06:04,006
That's-- Wait,
is it double jeopardy?
136
00:06:04,075 --> 00:06:04,940
No.
137
00:06:05,009 --> 00:06:06,809
The disk is rightfully mine,
138
00:06:06,878 --> 00:06:09,211
and I will pay more
than fairly for its return.
139
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:12,047
Well, um, for a case of this nature
140
00:06:12,116 --> 00:06:14,850
our standard rate would be--
141
00:06:14,919 --> 00:06:16,118
Cyril!
What?
142
00:06:16,187 --> 00:06:17,686
Sterling!
For God's sake, man.
143
00:06:17,755 --> 00:06:19,955
Mrs. Deane--
Ms.
144
00:06:20,024 --> 00:06:23,759
Ms. Deane isn't
a standard client, Cyril.
145
00:06:23,828 --> 00:06:25,561
She is a film legend.
146
00:06:25,630 --> 00:06:30,166
And as such, she deserves
our legendary service package,
147
00:06:30,234 --> 00:06:33,135
which includes, um--
Get me the disk,
148
00:06:33,204 --> 00:06:36,438
and I will pay your agency $100,000.
149
00:06:37,809 --> 00:06:39,542
Yeah, yeah--
150
00:06:39,610 --> 00:06:42,444
Yeah, that's our rate for that.
151
00:06:42,513 --> 00:06:44,180
This is Mr. Shapiro's address,
152
00:06:44,248 --> 00:06:46,816
and I want the job done
as soon as possible.
153
00:06:46,884 --> 00:06:48,784
And of course, it goes without saying
154
00:06:48,853 --> 00:06:51,420
that this matter
is strictly confidential.
155
00:06:51,489 --> 00:06:53,923
Apparently not.
And conversely,
156
00:06:53,991 --> 00:06:56,625
anything you think you may
or may not have overheard,
157
00:06:56,694 --> 00:06:59,495
regarding the Italian Prime
Minister's murder and dismemberment--
158
00:06:59,564 --> 00:07:02,131
Alleged murder and dismemberment.
159
00:07:02,200 --> 00:07:04,233
I couldn't care less,
Mr. Archer.
160
00:07:04,302 --> 00:07:06,769
All that matters to me
is that you return the disk.
161
00:07:06,838 --> 00:07:08,637
Now, good day.
162
00:07:21,152 --> 00:07:23,252
Holy shit, $100,000?
163
00:07:23,321 --> 00:07:27,189
I was gonna say $10,000.
164
00:07:30,094 --> 00:07:32,161
Oh, my God!
165
00:07:32,230 --> 00:07:34,930
Yeah, what were
you gonna say, smart guy?
166
00:07:41,839 --> 00:07:43,105
Nine!
167
00:07:52,566 --> 00:07:54,710
Okay, people, listen up.
168
00:07:55,124 --> 00:07:57,371
This is our first case,
and we're gonna crush it,
169
00:07:57,412 --> 00:07:59,912
so listen up!
These are your assignments.
170
00:07:59,981 --> 00:08:01,781
Pam.
Hey, in case you've forgotten,
171
00:08:01,849 --> 00:08:04,016
the writing is literally on the wall,
172
00:08:04,085 --> 00:08:06,819
and I give the orders around here.
173
00:08:06,888 --> 00:08:09,255
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Please, by all means.
174
00:08:09,324 --> 00:08:11,190
Uh-huh. Um--
175
00:08:11,259 --> 00:08:14,360
Well, our--
Okay.
176
00:08:14,429 --> 00:08:16,996
Archer has your assignments,
so listen up!
177
00:08:17,065 --> 00:08:20,032
Truly inspiring, Cyril.
178
00:08:20,101 --> 00:08:22,501
It's like Patton
and Churchill had a baby.
179
00:08:22,570 --> 00:08:25,104
Oh, and put me down for 15
minutes of investigative work.
180
00:08:25,173 --> 00:08:27,340
That wasn't even 15 seconds!
181
00:08:27,408 --> 00:08:29,875
15 minutes is the smallest
manageable increment.
182
00:08:29,944 --> 00:08:31,744
You dick!
Hey, shut up!
183
00:08:31,813 --> 00:08:35,314
You... also dick!
With just a hint of Oscar Wilde.
184
00:08:35,383 --> 00:08:36,816
Mother, if you're not gonna help,
185
00:08:36,884 --> 00:08:38,751
maybe you'd be more comfortable
in your office.
186
00:08:38,820 --> 00:08:40,620
No, I'm fine here.
187
00:08:40,688 --> 00:08:44,357
I want to see how you're
gonna crack the big case.
188
00:08:44,425 --> 00:08:46,392
Mancy Drew.
189
00:08:46,461 --> 00:08:48,861
Okay, Pam, this is
our target location.
190
00:08:50,632 --> 00:08:51,530
That's a nice house.
191
00:08:51,599 --> 00:08:53,899
4220 Arroyo Canyon Road.
192
00:08:53,968 --> 00:08:55,901
Find out everything
you can about this house
193
00:08:55,970 --> 00:08:58,471
from the public records.
Plat map, utilities,
194
00:08:58,539 --> 00:09:00,706
building permits--
Oh, and especially look
195
00:09:00,775 --> 00:09:02,441
for any blueprints.
Oh, man!
196
00:09:02,510 --> 00:09:03,809
Can't Cheryl do that?
197
00:09:03,878 --> 00:09:06,312
I wanted to be the gruff
but lovable driver,
198
00:09:06,381 --> 00:09:08,748
mechanic, and maybe
occasional muscle.
199
00:09:08,816 --> 00:09:10,883
Like a folksy B.A. Baracus.
200
00:09:10,952 --> 00:09:13,052
Fine. Carol,
you're head of research.
201
00:09:13,121 --> 00:09:15,421
I'm on it.
202
00:09:15,490 --> 00:09:18,257
How would one go about being on it?
203
00:09:18,326 --> 00:09:20,059
Try the Internet.
204
00:09:20,128 --> 00:09:21,894
And get everything you can
on the owner,
205
00:09:21,963 --> 00:09:24,380
a lawyer named Alan Shapiro.
206
00:09:26,158 --> 00:09:29,059
I think it's safe to assume
he doesn't eat shellfish.
207
00:09:29,179 --> 00:09:30,618
Hey, not cool!
208
00:09:30,738 --> 00:09:32,538
What?
The fact that he's a Hollywood lawyer
209
00:09:32,607 --> 00:09:34,407
doesn't automatically
make him Jewish.
210
00:09:34,475 --> 00:09:36,242
Eww, he's Jewish?
211
00:09:36,311 --> 00:09:37,922
Probably, but that's not the point.
212
00:09:38,042 --> 00:09:40,242
You can't say shit like that!
213
00:09:40,311 --> 00:09:42,544
Wait a minute.
If you didn't know he was Jewish,
214
00:09:42,613 --> 00:09:44,980
why'd you mention shellfish?
He's allergic!
215
00:09:45,049 --> 00:09:46,548
You buttlicks.
216
00:09:46,617 --> 00:09:47,950
That's why he made that big donation
217
00:09:48,018 --> 00:09:50,686
to the stupid food allergy charity.
218
00:09:50,754 --> 00:09:52,688
Oughta call it the Weak
Bloodlines Foundation.
219
00:09:52,756 --> 00:09:54,790
Lana, you and I will
break into the house,
220
00:09:54,858 --> 00:09:56,892
and since we can
assume there's a safe--
221
00:09:56,961 --> 00:09:58,894
Ray? You care
to join us?
222
00:09:58,963 --> 00:10:02,598
I guess, since
we're hourly now.
223
00:10:02,666 --> 00:10:05,734
Okay, you got comms, night vision,
224
00:10:05,803 --> 00:10:07,970
infrared, alarm bypass,
225
00:10:08,038 --> 00:10:09,972
suction cups, this crazy spray,
226
00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:12,480
which shows laser beams, and just
in case there's a guard dog,
227
00:10:12,509 --> 00:10:15,029
you got doggy treats loaded up
with tranquilizers, which I call--
228
00:10:15,079 --> 00:10:16,678
Wait, wait, wait--
I got something for this--
229
00:10:16,747 --> 00:10:19,214
"Hush puppies"
Uh, damn! That's better.
230
00:10:19,283 --> 00:10:22,618
Duh. And since the front of the
house by the road is guarded 24/7,
231
00:10:22,686 --> 00:10:26,488
you're gonna have
to go in from the rear.
232
00:10:26,557 --> 00:10:28,457
No. You all
took it for granted.
233
00:10:28,525 --> 00:10:30,459
But the back hangs off a cliff, like,
234
00:10:30,527 --> 00:10:32,260
a hundred feet above the canyon!
235
00:10:32,329 --> 00:10:35,998
Which is why I invented the
rocket-propelled grappling hook!
236
00:10:36,066 --> 00:10:37,833
You didn't invent that.
237
00:10:37,901 --> 00:10:39,901
Ah, that's what
the patent office said.
238
00:10:39,970 --> 00:10:41,470
And how much is all this costing?
239
00:10:41,538 --> 00:10:42,904
Oh, my God, Cyril.
240
00:10:42,973 --> 00:10:44,539
You have to spend
money to make money.
241
00:10:44,608 --> 00:10:47,409
No! You don't! You just
have to break into a safe!
242
00:10:50,931 --> 00:10:53,515
Shut that damn thing off!
Lame!
243
00:10:55,319 --> 00:10:56,852
Well, what the heck is that thing?
244
00:10:56,920 --> 00:10:58,620
Thermal lance.
For the safe!
245
00:10:58,689 --> 00:11:00,322
Like Jimmy Caan used in Thief.
246
00:11:00,391 --> 00:11:02,391
It'll cut through two feet
of reinforced concrete
247
00:11:02,459 --> 00:11:05,627
like non-reinforced...
butter.
248
00:11:05,696 --> 00:11:08,196
We don't need a thermal lance, ass.
249
00:11:08,265 --> 00:11:10,132
Just a standard
safe-cracking kit.
250
00:11:10,200 --> 00:11:12,734
Well, what's legendary about that?
251
00:11:12,803 --> 00:11:15,337
You know, you guys could help.
252
00:11:15,406 --> 00:11:17,406
Hey, you said you're the muscle.
253
00:11:17,474 --> 00:11:19,207
And what are you doing here?
254
00:11:19,276 --> 00:11:21,576
Pam's my ride home.
255
00:11:21,645 --> 00:11:23,445
I can't even.
And Archer,
256
00:11:23,514 --> 00:11:25,981
do you really need
to do that right now?
257
00:11:26,050 --> 00:11:29,217
Yes, I do. Somebody left
an entire palm print, Lana.
258
00:11:29,286 --> 00:11:32,020
Do you realize what skin oil
can do to the factory finish?
259
00:11:32,089 --> 00:11:34,256
You realize how
ridiculous you are,
260
00:11:34,324 --> 00:11:35,557
for buying that automobile?
261
00:11:35,626 --> 00:11:37,659
What? Shut up, it's amazing!
262
00:11:37,728 --> 00:11:39,946
Okay. So we'll just
follow you in the van,
263
00:11:40,066 --> 00:11:41,956
and watch in amazement.
Haha!
264
00:11:42,076 --> 00:11:43,441
Try to keep up!
265
00:11:45,378 --> 00:11:47,213
So, my guess would be the fuel pump?
266
00:11:47,504 --> 00:11:51,106
Great. Shut your guess-hole.
Oh, come on!
267
00:11:51,175 --> 00:11:52,949
It's gotta be under warranty.
268
00:11:53,069 --> 00:11:56,712
Right?
I don't know.
269
00:11:56,780 --> 00:11:59,815
Warranty's in Italian.
270
00:12:11,059 --> 00:12:13,159
Okay. Make sure they're secure.
271
00:12:13,228 --> 00:12:15,194
'Cause they're
our only way out of here.
272
00:12:15,263 --> 00:12:18,024
Oh, I was hopin' T.C. was
gonna come pick us up in the chopper.
273
00:12:18,066 --> 00:12:19,120
Ha!
274
00:12:19,307 --> 00:12:21,440
Well, but he's gonna
be busy flying around,
275
00:12:21,509 --> 00:12:23,242
searching for your battered corpses,
276
00:12:23,311 --> 00:12:25,878
only to find out later
that all the coyotes left
277
00:12:25,947 --> 00:12:28,948
was a pile of titanium gears
and a shitty weave.
278
00:12:29,017 --> 00:12:30,549
First of all--
279
00:12:32,020 --> 00:12:34,587
This is not a weave!
Okay!
280
00:12:36,824 --> 00:12:38,679
Well, it ain't a shitty one.
281
00:12:40,223 --> 00:12:42,306
You should do the camera first.
282
00:12:42,426 --> 00:12:43,978
I said do the cameras first!
283
00:12:46,134 --> 00:12:48,067
I know, right?
How awesome is it to be back,
284
00:12:48,136 --> 00:12:49,435
doing what we're best at?
285
00:12:49,504 --> 00:12:51,904
What? Robbery?
It's not robbery, Lana.
286
00:12:51,973 --> 00:12:53,939
It's burglary.
Or maybe home invasion,
287
00:12:54,008 --> 00:12:56,642
if we run into anybody, which
hopefully we won't, but...
288
00:12:56,711 --> 00:13:00,012
I'm talking fieldcraft!
Stealth! Teamwork!
289
00:13:00,081 --> 00:13:02,451
Night vision,
grappling hooks--
290
00:13:02,549 --> 00:13:04,616
Whatever the hell Ray's doing.
291
00:13:04,684 --> 00:13:07,164
Well, it better be the cameras.
Ray, are you doing the cameras?
292
00:13:13,199 --> 00:13:15,399
Yes, Lana, I
was doing the cameras.
293
00:13:15,468 --> 00:13:17,968
Okay, so cut the alarm
and jam the cell phone signal.
294
00:13:18,037 --> 00:13:20,337
And Lana? The locks aren't
gonna pick themselves.
295
00:13:20,406 --> 00:13:21,772
And meanwhile, you were doing...
296
00:13:21,841 --> 00:13:24,208
I'm goin' infrared, Lana.
297
00:13:24,260 --> 00:13:27,594
Holy shit!
298
00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:29,880
It's just like Predator!
299
00:13:29,932 --> 00:13:31,815
In 3-D!
Ow!
300
00:13:31,884 --> 00:13:33,684
Give me 90
seconds on the lock.
301
00:13:33,753 --> 00:13:35,285
Sixty seconds on alarm and phone.
302
00:13:35,354 --> 00:13:36,587
Not a competition.
303
00:13:36,655 --> 00:13:38,555
Seriously, we were made for this!
304
00:13:38,624 --> 00:13:40,157
We'll be out of here in no time.
305
00:13:40,226 --> 00:13:42,326
Don't count your chickens
before they're hatched!
306
00:13:42,395 --> 00:13:45,229
Okay, A, I'm pretty sure chickens
give live birth, like sharks.
307
00:13:45,297 --> 00:13:47,931
What the--
And B, compared to espionage,
308
00:13:48,000 --> 00:13:51,268
P.I. work is gonna be
a total cakewalk!
309
00:13:51,337 --> 00:13:53,537
But... I doubt they've
gotten the disk yet.
310
00:13:53,606 --> 00:13:55,706
Don't you think it's a little
premature to be celebrating?
311
00:13:55,775 --> 00:13:57,875
Who's celebrating?
We're out of liquor!
312
00:13:57,943 --> 00:14:00,844
But I admit, I'm
cautiously optimistic.
313
00:14:00,913 --> 00:14:02,846
Because out here, you can buy
liquor at the grocery store?
314
00:14:02,915 --> 00:14:05,082
Literally, the only thing
about Los Angeles
315
00:14:05,151 --> 00:14:06,850
that doesn't make me want to vomit.
316
00:14:06,919 --> 00:14:10,120
But I'm talking about
this new line of work.
317
00:14:10,189 --> 00:14:13,457
A good detective and a good
spy share a lot of skills,
318
00:14:13,526 --> 00:14:15,392
and I'll deny I ever said this,
319
00:14:15,461 --> 00:14:17,694
but Sterling was an excellent spy.
320
00:14:17,763 --> 00:14:21,465
So... maybe we can actually
make a go of this!
321
00:14:21,534 --> 00:14:24,802
I mean, even Pam and Carol are
showing some talent for it.
322
00:14:24,870 --> 00:14:27,438
Oh, my God, Pam!
I forgot to give
323
00:14:27,506 --> 00:14:30,941
Mr. Archer one of the public records
that came back on that guy's address!
324
00:14:31,010 --> 00:14:32,709
What? His license?
325
00:14:32,778 --> 00:14:35,212
Well, I mean, it was
kind of a license.
326
00:14:37,316 --> 00:14:40,084
Oh! Mother of--
327
00:14:40,152 --> 00:14:41,819
Sweet Jesus!
What?
328
00:14:41,887 --> 00:14:44,321
Run!
329
00:14:44,390 --> 00:14:48,058
No, no, no, don't run!
I got them... treats.
330
00:14:48,127 --> 00:14:50,127
Owww!
331
00:14:50,196 --> 00:14:52,796
Bad dog!
332
00:14:52,865 --> 00:14:54,467
Oww!
Archer, lower your voice!
333
00:14:56,389 --> 00:14:58,472
***
334
00:14:58,592 --> 00:15:00,321
With what? We didn't bring guns.
What?
335
00:15:00,573 --> 00:15:03,006
Plus, awww.
Oh, the treats. Give 'em the treats.
336
00:15:03,075 --> 00:15:04,908
Wait, no, hang on.
337
00:15:04,977 --> 00:15:07,244
Treats!
No, no, no, no, wait!
338
00:15:11,383 --> 00:15:12,850
Ugh! Ooh!
339
00:15:12,918 --> 00:15:13,817
Ooh.
340
00:15:32,905 --> 00:15:35,105
Well...
341
00:15:35,174 --> 00:15:37,241
Aww, sleepy, babies.
342
00:15:37,309 --> 00:15:39,076
Guess we oughta...
get crackin'.
343
00:15:39,145 --> 00:15:41,812
Rim shot!
That'd be a good porn name.
344
00:15:41,881 --> 00:15:44,360
Mine would be
"Lance Biggerstaff."
345
00:15:44,480 --> 00:15:45,904
I'm picturing a gay wizard.
346
00:15:46,024 --> 00:15:48,268
I always am.
347
00:15:51,590 --> 00:15:55,125
Eat a dick, gravity.
Aww.
348
00:15:55,194 --> 00:15:57,861
No, I don't get this at all.
349
00:15:57,930 --> 00:15:59,442
Maybe 'cause it's upside down.
350
00:15:59,562 --> 00:16:02,633
Wait. Really?
Yeah, you're just kind of a hick.
351
00:16:02,701 --> 00:16:05,502
Said the man with a relative
called, "Uncle Paw-Paw."
352
00:16:05,571 --> 00:16:08,205
That's 'cause
he's my mother's...
353
00:16:08,274 --> 00:16:09,706
Yeah, no.
Never mind.
354
00:16:09,775 --> 00:16:11,141
So what's the deal?
How's that going?
355
00:16:11,210 --> 00:16:13,143
It's goin' great!
356
00:16:13,212 --> 00:16:15,812
And you talking is helping!
So, what do you think is on that disk?
357
00:16:15,881 --> 00:16:17,781
Uh, duh, sex tape!
358
00:16:17,850 --> 00:16:20,417
Please. She's like 100.
She's like 50.
359
00:16:20,486 --> 00:16:23,287
And she's also Veronica Deane,
you big jealous bitch!
360
00:16:23,355 --> 00:16:25,355
Archer?
361
00:16:25,424 --> 00:16:29,126
Don't scream. Because you have
no reason to feel threatened
362
00:16:29,195 --> 00:16:30,727
by Veronica Deane.
363
00:16:30,796 --> 00:16:33,163
Am I attracted to her?
Obviously. I mean, come on.
364
00:16:33,232 --> 00:16:34,232
You saw Shanghai Moon.
365
00:16:34,266 --> 00:16:35,699
Oh, my God. That dress?
366
00:16:35,768 --> 00:16:37,501
Right. I mean, yeah.
367
00:16:37,570 --> 00:16:39,570
Maybe it was 20 years ago,
but if anything,
368
00:16:39,638 --> 00:16:41,038
she's hotter now--
Oww!
369
00:16:41,106 --> 00:16:43,073
Shh!
Ow! Ow...
370
00:16:43,142 --> 00:16:45,142
How could you even tell
if she was still hot?
371
00:16:45,211 --> 00:16:47,077
She was basically just gigantic
sunglasses and a big hat!
372
00:16:47,146 --> 00:16:49,446
Trust me, Lana, she's still hot.
373
00:16:49,515 --> 00:16:52,683
Oh, and the joke's on you, because
if I have rabies, now you've got it!
374
00:16:52,751 --> 00:16:54,631
Uh, I don't think you want
to get bitchy with me
375
00:16:54,687 --> 00:16:55,986
about communicable diseases.
376
00:16:56,055 --> 00:16:57,554
Crabs aren't a disease!
377
00:16:57,623 --> 00:16:59,990
Oh, my God. First of all...
378
00:17:00,059 --> 00:17:03,327
So, if y'all are done having your
little post-fight-makeup-sex-fight--
379
00:17:03,395 --> 00:17:05,155
That's not what we do!
Oh, my God.
380
00:17:05,263 --> 00:17:08,732
That is all you do! Now can we go,
before Shapiro knows we're here?
381
00:17:08,801 --> 00:17:11,588
How would he?
Except for two sleepy grizzly bears,
382
00:17:11,708 --> 00:17:13,365
we didn't leave...
383
00:17:13,627 --> 00:17:15,564
Aaah, intruder!
384
00:17:15,684 --> 00:17:17,790
Intruder!
385
00:17:17,910 --> 00:17:19,343
That's bullshit.
How did he know?
386
00:17:20,846 --> 00:17:23,814
Guards!
Yeah, but besides that?
387
00:17:23,882 --> 00:17:26,583
Why didn't you tell us you were
bleeding like a Russian princess?
388
00:17:26,652 --> 00:17:29,219
Because I honestly didn't know!
How could you not?
389
00:17:29,288 --> 00:17:31,788
Because I took a bunch
of painkillers at the office!
390
00:17:31,857 --> 00:17:33,357
Why?
391
00:17:33,425 --> 00:17:35,392
Because somebody left them out, Lana.
392
00:17:35,461 --> 00:17:38,295
Move, you idiots.
They got the disk!
393
00:17:38,364 --> 00:17:40,330
I am so angry at you right now!
394
00:17:40,399 --> 00:17:42,299
Well, you shouldn't
give me that power--
395
00:17:42,368 --> 00:17:43,867
Jump!
396
00:17:43,936 --> 00:17:46,737
Whoo-hoo!
Painkillers!
397
00:17:46,805 --> 00:17:51,208
There! Agh! Agh!
Agh! Agh! Agh! Agh!
398
00:17:51,277 --> 00:17:55,245
Well, I hope you brought enough
painkillers to share with the class!
399
00:17:55,314 --> 00:17:57,547
No. I ate 'em all.
Because we're all gonna get shot.
400
00:17:57,616 --> 00:18:00,684
Relax. They're not gonna hit
us with those suppressors on,
401
00:18:00,753 --> 00:18:03,287
they'd need a--
Grenade!!
402
00:18:03,355 --> 00:18:06,239
And with that
having been said--
403
00:18:06,325 --> 00:18:07,624
Son of a bitch!
404
00:18:07,693 --> 00:18:09,926
Why does a divorce lawyer
have grenades?!
405
00:18:09,995 --> 00:18:11,928
Ray, they're terrible people!
406
00:18:11,997 --> 00:18:14,498
You assholes!
If they live, you die.
407
00:18:14,566 --> 00:18:16,166
Archer, what are you doing?
408
00:18:16,235 --> 00:18:18,168
Getting you out of here.
409
00:18:18,237 --> 00:18:20,504
Ray, get her to the van.
410
00:18:20,572 --> 00:18:22,306
What about you?
I'll be fine.
411
00:18:22,374 --> 00:18:25,108
I lied, I got like,
20 more. Go!
412
00:18:25,177 --> 00:18:26,877
Hang on, honey.
413
00:18:26,945 --> 00:18:29,479
Archer!
414
00:18:29,548 --> 00:18:32,215
Wow, say what you will about cyborgs.
415
00:18:32,284 --> 00:18:34,785
Sure can run good.
416
00:18:34,853 --> 00:18:36,720
And I should take
the fast way down too, so--
417
00:18:42,328 --> 00:18:43,193
Ow!
418
00:18:55,547 --> 00:18:57,278
And now, Ms. Deane--
419
00:18:57,378 --> 00:18:59,678
As promised, your computer disk.
420
00:18:59,747 --> 00:19:03,415
And your cashier's check
for $100,000.
421
00:19:03,484 --> 00:19:05,918
And while I appreciate
your firm's hard work,
422
00:19:05,986 --> 00:19:07,619
I'm sure you'll understand when I say
423
00:19:07,688 --> 00:19:09,321
I hope we never meet again.
424
00:19:09,390 --> 00:19:11,924
A feeling that
I assure you is mutual.
425
00:19:11,992 --> 00:19:14,526
Then I bid you good day and goodbye.
426
00:19:16,363 --> 00:19:18,630
Yay!
427
00:19:18,699 --> 00:19:20,966
Lower your voice.
Ow.
428
00:19:21,035 --> 00:19:23,201
Oh, let her enjoy it, Sterling.
429
00:19:23,270 --> 00:19:27,573
We just made $100,000!
Well, minus expenses, which--
430
00:19:27,641 --> 00:19:31,577
Which reminds me we need to
add an extra $1,200 to that.
431
00:19:31,645 --> 00:19:34,947
For what?
Something called a pompa di benzina?
432
00:19:35,015 --> 00:19:36,415
Called it.
No, you didn't!
433
00:19:36,483 --> 00:19:38,917
And while you're at it,
add a case of champagne.
434
00:19:38,986 --> 00:19:40,719
We deserve to celebrate.
435
00:19:40,788 --> 00:19:42,087
Ooh!
Bubbly!
436
00:19:42,156 --> 00:19:44,289
Damn it, Veronica Deane already left?
437
00:19:44,358 --> 00:19:46,191
I wanted her to sign this head shot.
438
00:19:46,260 --> 00:19:49,328
Ooh, Joan Crawford's
gonna be so jealous.
439
00:19:49,396 --> 00:19:51,363
You know what--
Excuse me.
440
00:19:53,834 --> 00:19:55,534
Oh, my God.
441
00:19:55,569 --> 00:19:57,302
Is this the Figgis Agency?
442
00:19:57,371 --> 00:20:00,038
Again, not married to that.
Yes, we are!
443
00:20:00,107 --> 00:20:02,240
And yes, it is.
444
00:20:02,309 --> 00:20:04,409
I'm Cyril Figgis, owner, CEO,
445
00:20:04,478 --> 00:20:07,279
fully licensed investigator.
And you are?
446
00:20:07,348 --> 00:20:09,181
She's...
447
00:20:11,051 --> 00:20:14,152
She's...
My name is Veronica Deane.
448
00:20:14,221 --> 00:20:15,754
Oh, goddamn it.
449
00:20:15,823 --> 00:20:18,390
May we talk somewhere privately?
450
00:20:18,459 --> 00:20:21,026
Wait a minute.
If you're Veronica Deane,
451
00:20:21,095 --> 00:20:22,494
then who the hell was--
452
00:20:22,563 --> 00:20:23,996
Ow.
453
00:20:24,064 --> 00:20:27,299
I, um-- Uh, that is
to say, uh, it's uh--
454
00:20:27,368 --> 00:20:29,368
Such a pleasure to meet you.
455
00:20:29,436 --> 00:20:31,703
May I ask how you
heard of our agency?
456
00:20:31,772 --> 00:20:36,008
My housekeeper found this under her
windshield wiper at the supermarket.
457
00:20:38,345 --> 00:20:40,579
His name's Furlock Bones.