Archer.
Lana?
- Lana! - Whoa, Jesus Christ!
- Chill out, Miggs! - I'm sorry, it's just
- been so long. - Okay, it's been...
Oh, my God. You're pregnant again?!
- What? - How long have I been
down here, left to rot in this godforsaken hole?!
- Like... three weeks. - Hmm, seems so much
- longer than that. - It...
So, please tell me that's an entire canard à la
- presse with a file in it. - Half a chicken, no
file, just that weird quasi-cornbread they have here.
Ugh, why do you even bother?
That's weird, I was asking myself the same thing on
- the way down here. - And then brought
- crappy food anyway? - And then left?
No, no, no, wait, come on, Lana, I-I'm sorry, but
I-I'm starting to lose it down here.
You-you got to make him let me go!
- Make him how? - Well, I hate to
- even ask, but... - Blow him?
- Your words. - And then what, Archer,
you want me to blow the whole army?
How is there still an army?
How have the rebels not wiped them out already?
Because turns out, he's actually very good at
- commanding an army. - And as Third and
Fourth Battalion withdraw, here comes First Armored, and now the
- rebels are outflanked. - Sir,
- it's brilliant! - A classic pincher
movement. Just like Hannibal at the battle
of Cannae. And also Keith, in my
- Warhammer guild. - So, get used to that
weird cornbread, 'cause you might be down here a...
Lana, I need a woman's touch!
Oh! Ow!
I'm sorry, Lana. I said a woman, not a
stevedore who lost his hand in a stevedoring accident
and then got a hand transplant from an actual bear.
So, did you want to just do it right through the
- bars or...? - I mean, we do.
- And sometimes they do. - Hello.
I... wait. So, in three weeks, you go from
you're gonna execute Archer to now you guys are, like,
- swinger pals? - Well, I wouldn't
say "pals." Wow, not what you
- said yesterday. - Oh, come on, that
- was the pruno talking. - Well, I hate to break
up this delightful ménage, but Presidente Cyril wants her back
- upstairs. - Wait, what?
- What? - Why.
- Guess. - Ah.
- Mm. - Ow!
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
- What? - Archer, do you want
- me to move over one? - Eh.
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com
Ah, Madame First Lady. So good of you to join me.
It's not as if I had a choice.
- Well... - Nor am I still the
- the first lady. - Well, maybe not
technically, since your husband divorced you and then was
immediately deposed by me, but the situation is, as they say,
- fluid. - Ugh.
- I brought her, can I go now? - Yes, for the love of
- God, get out. - I meant home.
What are you, nuts?
Cap'n Crunch here just took all the coca fields back
from the rebels. We're sitting on an endless
- supply. - Of what, coca leaf
smoothies?
Oh, my God. That's a coca leaf smoothie.
And they're gross. It basically tastes like a fart
of itself, but it's better than the cocaine donuts and whipped
cocaine she was eating.
'Cause that's just empty calories.
- Well, and cocaine. - Which, if I'm being
totally honest, I maybe might have a problem with.
- No. - And, Lana, the rebels
still control the airport. It's their HQ.
So, unless you want to walk, you can't go home.
And why on Earth would you want to?
Uh...
Why bother going back?
The U.S. government stole your livelihood, forced you to become
a criminal. And I hate to say it, but it's
not like you have a man waiting for you.
- I... You know... - Whereas here we have
everything we need. It's like San Marcos has been
waiting thousands of years for us to arrive.
- Lana, this could be our... - Don't.
Zion, yes, there, I said it.
Wait, they got weed
- here, too? - That's not what the
- song's about! - Told you.
But I just this second realized why you want to stay
down here. Cyril's just the Vader to your
- Palpatine. - Is that a reference
- I should get, or...? - Seriously?
Well, I'm sorry, Lana, I didn't go to rabbinical
- school. - It's from... No, you
know what? Never mind. But, spoiler alert, Vader ends
- up killing Palpatine. - Hey.
But only for three days, right?
And then he moves the rock and comes out of his cave stronger
- than ever. - Then he shuts off the
tractor beam, releasing the Jews from captivity.
- What? - Hey.
Wait, yes, now that sounds familiar.
- It cannot possibly. - Gospel of Luke?
- Hey. - Oh for... Ray, you used
to be a preacher, you want to back me up here?
I actually don't know. My church didn't really do the
- New Testament. - The one with Jesus
- Christ in it. - I mean, I take your
- word for it, but... - Hey!
Will you idiots get out?! I'm trying to talk to the first
- lady! - Of what, this
country or country music? 'Cause I'm first lady of both!
- CYRIL No, you're not... - Outlaw country!
Oh, my God, my beautiful and also
multi-talented wife! You are here!
I know, right? It's like, finally.
As in... this is a good thing?
Duh!
I'm finally gonna get the outlaw country cred I deserve.
Oh, my God, you've always deserved it.
Wait, how does being in jail...?
Paging Dr. Black, Dr. Man In Black!
Johnny Cash was in Folsom Prison and San Quentin, so...
- Yeah, to visit. - Hmm?
He just played for the prisoners, dummy.
He wasn't actually in prison.
But don't worry. We're gonna get out of here and
- go join the rebels. - Yes, then you and
I, my beautiful wife, will live a simple life in the hills,
scratching shit food, like yams, out of the ground with a, uh,
yam-scratcher. - Okay, A-- start
counting backwards from a million years, and when you get
to zero that still won't happen.
- Aw. And B-- how...
- how do we get out of here? - Well, we're, uh,
- still fine-tuning it, but... - We have no plan,
- whatsoever. - Okay, good, because
I didn't want to step on anybody's toes, but byoink.
- Whaaaaat? - Where did you get
- that? - Let's just say,
"I honestly don't know." Fair enough.
Cyril says the rebel headquarters are...
- Wait, is it "are" or is it "is"? - It's "where," idiot!
The airport! Jesus!
And you, sir, will keep a civil tongue in your head
when you are addressing the First Lady of the
government-in-exile of La República de San Marcos!
And also country music.
I facetiously beg milady's pardon.
Oh, milady facetiously grants it.
Oh, goody. Now let's steal a car, go join
the rebels, then come back here and crush Cyril's stupid army.
You make it sound so easy.
Well, it's Cyril.
I mean, unless he's got a nuclear warhead in his pants...
Which he totally does.
Which, guys, can we talk about this?
The time for talk is kaput, Klon-Bruder.
- Now is the time for action! - Clone bone!
And by that I mean his... you know...
- Yeah, we... - Let me finish!
...penis. No, you ruined it.
And by "it," I meant the moment. Not his penis.
- I... - Penis.
Will you shut up?! I know what I'm doing!
Yes, but don't do what you are doing!
Are you crazy?! This car is worth one quarter of
- $1 million! - Well, was.
And did you ever think maybe your fleet of
priceless cars is the reason you're fighting off a
- rebellion? - I'm fighting the
rebels because that is what we do!
My father fought the rebels, his father fought the rebels...
So, like a family business.
That manufactures oppression.
Well, and cocaine. In fact...
Stop!
What?!
That.
I mean, if you think we have time.
I... Is there a
- tiger? - Of course there is
a tiger. Where did you think you are,
Tegucigalpa?
And so, by the power
self-vested in me, I now pronounce us man and wife, and I
may also kiss the bride.
- Yay! - Ugh, second worst
- wedding ever. - Yeah, but at least
- nobody died. - Yet!
Inappropes.
What is wrong with you?
I'm trying to make that a thing people say, like,
"Damn, dawg, that's inappropes!" Plus, I think I'm addicted to
- cocaine. - Well, but look on the
bright side. With any luck at all, it will
save me the trouble of killing you myself.
Damn, dawg...
- Inappropes. - Yay!
Yay! Yay!
They should've sent a poet.
Oh, and some meat. Do we have any meat?
Literally tons.
No, I didn't mean another animal.
- I meant like a steak, or some... - Typical American.
You think meat comes from the supermercado, all wrapped in a
- nice plastic wrap. - Yeah, you're
- describing meat. - No, no, no.
Meat is blood and bones and sinew!
Well, now you're describing not-meat.
Meat is whatever the tiger says is meat, because
God made him the boss and all the other animals his food!
Hang on, buddy.
And thank you, George Bore-well, for that clunky analogy in
defense of totalitarianism, but I'm not feeding Shane an
- elephant. - Who the hell is...
Oh, my God, he's totally a
Shane. So let me bounce this off you
- guys... - What say we don't
launch this giant nerve gas missile at, uh...
where did you say you were launching it?
Wouldn't you like to know?
I would, actually.
Come on, you guys are acting a little... insane.
Do you know what's insane?!
Yeah, this. All of it, everything.
The rocket, uh... I'm not really comfortable with the
- clone-bone. - You're not
doing it right. Now move, so I can begin the
- launch sequence. - Over my dead...
...body, man that was a jinx, huh?
No, no, no, wait, wait, wait!
Hang on! As amazing as it would be,
- we can't take Shane with us. - Yeah, we can,
- watch. - No, no, no, no!
No, don't!
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Carol, listen to me very closely.
Why, you gonna walk me through your organic method
- of vaginal hygiene? - My what?
You're a bigger pussy than Shane!
Come here, boy!
Shane!
Do something!
- Like what? - Get him!
We're
- coming, brother! - Hiy...!
- No...! - Brother...!
You bastard!
- Brother, the launch sequence! - No!
Don't stop!
Almost... there.
- Oh, come on! - Shut... up.
Launch sequence initiated.
- No! - No!
Ha-ha!
It doesn't work with a bow... tiiiiiiiiieeeeee!
Shane!
- Shane...! - Shane...!
Shane?
Well, we should've guessed that was gonna happen.
W... we should've?
Well, or at least could've.
- I mean... - Yeah, I-I-I guess,
uh... I guess a leopard can't change his spots.
Uh... I don't know that much about leopards.
That was actually a proverb.
That was actually a tiger.
Minutes to launch: 180.
Huh. That is a lot longer than I
thought it would be.
Okay, when we get to rebel HQ, they might be
- aggressive at first, but... - They wouldn't if we
had a damn tiger.
No. We're-we're not going back.
Unless... No.
- What if... - He had his chance!
- A what? - A charivari.
Also called a shivaree? You know, it's that thing where
everybody bangs pots and pans outside our room as we...
consummate.
Oh... n-no. We're not doing that.
Ha-ha! Ow!
Ray, my feet are already killing me.
- Sorry. - He's probably not
- used to leading. - You know...
You, on the other hand... lead away.
- Mind if I cut in? - No.
- Yes! - Screw you guys.
- Hey, Krieger! - What the hell is
- going on? - Cyril's the new
- dictator... - President.
Shut up, and he just married crazy tits, and I need
- a dance partner. - Wh...?
So nobody noticed that I've been missing for three weeks?
- Um... - No.
Well, I certainly didn't.
We figured the vampires ate you.
- The what? - Wait, what?
They're not vampires, they're my clones.
- Or I'm their clone, or... - Oh, please, you and
your clone nonsense, it's all a bunch of...
- Holy shit. - Why was I not informed
- of this, Krieger? - If he even is Krieger!
- Huh? - What?
The real Krieger could be down there!
Oh, for... that is just...
I won't even dignify that with a response.
- Uh, uh... - Pam?
- Pam! Uh-huh.
I've got a concussion.
And this regular tie means nothing, I don't like bow ties
- so I switched. - Well, you certainly
- sound concussed. - He sounds like a
vampire! I say we tie him up and let the
- sun sort it out! - You need to hush.
Minutes to launch: 150.
- What is that? - What is going on?
Tell me that robot's not talking about launching this
- rocket, Krieger. - Or should we say
Count Krieg... Ow! Ow!
Ow, cut it out! Ow! Goddamn it! Ow!
- Thank you. - Vampire lovers.
Yeah, so, here's the thing...
This is it, rebel headquarters.
Now, remember, let me do the talking.
- Got it. - I'm serious.
- I got it. - Look at me.
I got it! Jesus!
Okay. Then here we go.
Pinche cabrón!
- Ow! - Goddamn it!
You said you'd let me do the...
¡Espere,
espere! ¡Mira, mira!
- Es la cantante! - ♪ It's all about me
this time... ♪ Aw...
So. You're saying this gigantic
rocket is not only full of deadly nerve gas, but also aimed
- God knows where? - Well, that statement
presupposes the existence of God, but...
Krieger, I am about two seconds away from telling
- Pam to get a wooden stake. - Yay!
- I'm not a vampire! - Doesn't matter to
- the stake. - Then yes!
It's full of nerve gas, and I don't know where it's aimed!
What? What's the range on this thing?
I don't know, 2,000 miles?
How far away is the
- Upper East Side? - I don't know,
1,980-something miles?
Okay, this is a presidential order from the
president. Shut it down!
- I can't! - Can't, or won't?
- Can't! - Oh.
- I didn't hear you. - Ray, can you override
- the launch sequence? - Um...
Launch sequence accelerated.
No.
- Oh, for God's sake. - Minutes to
- launch: 90. - Cyril...
Uh, it's actually Señor Presidente, but...
Shh, hush. Now I know you've had a fun time
as dictator, and we all enjoyed this little break from him,
but Cyril-- and if you tell him I said this, I'll break your
frickin' arms-- it's... ugh... Archer time.
Wha...? Oh, all right.
Krieger, I assume the whatever...
- Doppelkriegers. - I assume they had a
lab, so take Ray and see if you can find some info on how to
shut this damn thing down. We'll go get Archer.
- Ooh, and Cherlene! - Ooh, and no.
- Because she isn't here. - Oh!
Damn it, Archer! Damn you!
You can't even let me pretend to be magnanimous while inwardly
- gloating! - Oh, shut up.
What does the note say?
- So, airport? - But the note says not...
Well, I guess that
settles that! I mean, it's not like we can
just waltz into enemy territory and...
- Well, I certainly can't. - Can't, or...
Both, either, all. They'd shoot me on sight, Lana.
And if you want Archer so damn bad, you can go get him your...
Huh. I didn't think she'd actually
- do it. - Then you're an idiot.
- Oh, I'm the idiot? - Yes.
What the...?
- Holly? - Archer?
- Rando? - Slater?
- Who the hell is Rando? - Him!
That's Sterling Archer!
A-hem! And I am Cherlene?
- The Queen of Outlaw Country? - What the hell are you
- doing here? - What the hell are you
- doing here? - I could ask you the
same question. I am asking you the same
- question! - We came to join the
- rebels. - What?
What's the FBI doing in San Marcos?
With a cocaine smuggler?
I'm not FBI, and he's not a...
Well, technically, I am, but...
- We're both CIA. - What?!
C... I... A.
And we're also the rebels.
And you are in a mundo of caca.
Okay! Listen, stop, listen to me!
- Lana?! - Holly?
Holly? What's the FBI doing...
These dickheads aren't FBI, Lana, they're CIA!
And also the rebels!
Huh. Thought that would get more of a reaction.
Yeah, no, that is, um... news, uh...
but my water just broke, so...
Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com