1 00:00:01,250 --> 00:00:05,686 Okay, specs are all in the green. So, let me just reboot the 2 00:00:05,821 --> 00:00:10,992 CPU, and... Beep boop, you are no longer a cripple. 3 00:00:11,126 --> 00:00:13,995 - One, two, three, Go Herd. - Well? 4 00:00:14,129 --> 00:00:16,998 Well? Well, you could've done this weeks ago! 5 00:00:17,132 --> 00:00:21,535 - So it's about goddamn time! - Ooh, hang on a sec? 6 00:00:21,670 --> 00:00:25,606 - Yeah, touchy thing, bionics. You were saying? - Thank you. 7 00:00:25,741 --> 00:00:29,076 - No, what were you saying like you meant it? - Thank you, Krieger, 8 00:00:29,211 --> 00:00:33,214 - for once again giving me the precious gift of legs. - You're welcome. 9 00:00:33,348 --> 00:00:38,301 Now, if you will excuse me, I need to remove my underwear with a blowtorch. 10 00:00:38,336 --> 00:00:42,089 Ha! Perfect, this is absolutely perfect. 11 00:00:42,224 --> 00:00:45,259 - Cherlene! - Ow! God! Come on! 12 00:00:45,394 --> 00:00:48,796 - Seriously, thanks for the deaf baby. - Oh, shut up. Cher... 13 00:00:48,930 --> 00:00:53,467 - What?! Goddamn, woman, inside voice! - How... 14 00:00:53,602 --> 00:00:58,673 would you, my little country songbird, like to be on Travis County Limits? 15 00:00:58,708 --> 00:01:01,342 - Ooh, is that like Austin City Limits? - It's comparable, 16 00:01:01,476 --> 00:01:05,243 - hush. Cherlene? - I don't know. I guess. 17 00:01:05,278 --> 00:01:10,302 You... would be wonderful, and it would be wonderful publicity, and... 18 00:01:10,337 --> 00:01:14,152 - wonderful. - All right. When is it? 19 00:01:14,211 --> 00:01:17,552 Tapes tomorrow night, but we should leave today. I don't want you 20 00:01:17,587 --> 00:01:19,882 - flying the same day you're performing. - Oh, don't worry about that. 21 00:01:19,917 --> 00:01:22,680 - Well, but... - Because Cherlene don't fly. 22 00:01:22,715 --> 00:01:26,031 Airplane air is so dry, plus you're breathing in God knows 23 00:01:26,166 --> 00:01:28,936 what those tuberculars in coach are... Excuse me?! 24 00:01:28,969 --> 00:01:33,673 - I don't fly. - I... but-but I've seen you fly. 25 00:01:33,807 --> 00:01:36,843 - Well, maybe you saw Cheryl fly. - In a helicopter, the 26 00:01:36,977 --> 00:01:40,546 - space shuttle... - Cyril choke-banged you on a blimp? 27 00:01:40,681 --> 00:01:43,716 - Oh, come on, we were all thinking it. - What, how are you all 28 00:01:43,851 --> 00:01:46,819 - so goddamn loud? - Could you not find a punch bowl? 29 00:01:46,954 --> 00:01:49,220 It was too heavy. 30 00:02:03,324 --> 00:02:07,540 And also too spilly. Now, what's with all the yelling? 31 00:02:07,675 --> 00:02:10,710 I booked Cherlene on Travis County Limits, and... 32 00:02:10,844 --> 00:02:12,724 - Is that like...? - It's comparable! 33 00:02:12,751 --> 00:02:16,335 - But it's tomorrow night and she refuses to fly. - Wait, really? 34 00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:19,636 So you've only got 24 hours to drive to Texas? 35 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:22,486 - Well, 36 but... - But after we get a bus 36 00:02:22,485 --> 00:02:25,892 - and a blocker car it'll be 24, right? - What? 37 00:02:26,026 --> 00:02:28,202 - Oh. Oh, God, no. - Yes! 38 00:02:28,203 --> 00:02:29,780 - Archer? - Lana! 39 00:02:29,781 --> 00:02:31,931 Sterling! What are you talking about? 40 00:02:32,066 --> 00:02:34,914 - Smokey and the goddamn Bandit. - What? 41 00:02:34,950 --> 00:02:38,805 - We're going # Eastbound and down! # - I will never 42 00:02:38,939 --> 00:02:42,302 understand his idiotic fascination with all this Burt Reynolds 43 00:02:42,337 --> 00:02:46,135 - Smokey trucker nonsense. - I think part of it is because you didn't get him 44 00:02:46,157 --> 00:02:51,317 - that CB McHaul toy truck he wanted for his birthday. - Wha...? He was 30! 45 00:03:22,220 --> 00:03:25,389 5x05 - Archer Vice: Southbound and Down 46 00:03:25,948 --> 00:03:28,684 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~ 47 00:03:29,520 --> 00:03:33,757 - And words fail me. I have no words. - How about 48 00:03:33,891 --> 00:03:37,427 - ten-goddamn-four?! - How about how much did this cost? 49 00:03:37,561 --> 00:03:40,697 - How about a Jacuzzi, bitches? Woooooo! - You know what they say... 50 00:03:40,831 --> 00:03:44,470 - can't put a price on free advertising. - No, they don't, 51 00:03:44,474 --> 00:03:47,604 - and free this isn't. - Exactly. How much are they 52 00:03:47,738 --> 00:03:50,630 - paying Cherlene? - It's public television, they don't pay 53 00:03:50,643 --> 00:03:54,477 anything. All they do is suck money in. They take our taxes... 54 00:03:54,612 --> 00:03:58,775 - Or donations, whatever. - Of pre-tax dollars from pot-taking 55 00:03:58,848 --> 00:04:04,554 Bolshevik lesbian couples! Then PBS mixes it all in with their huge N.E.A. grants, 56 00:04:04,689 --> 00:04:08,261 launders it in inner-city methadone clinics, and pumps it right back 57 00:04:08,312 --> 00:04:13,797 - out to pro-abortion, super-PACs! - Still no words. 58 00:04:13,931 --> 00:04:18,653 - And, wow, maybe I have aphasia. - Where do you think you're going? 59 00:04:18,688 --> 00:04:20,503 She's driving the bus. Mother, get on the bus. 60 00:04:20,638 --> 00:04:23,673 - Lana, you're riding with me. - In what? 61 00:04:26,152 --> 00:04:29,479 In the blocker car, duh, if Cyril didn't just break the stupid axle. 62 00:04:29,613 --> 00:04:32,482 - The what? - Okay, first of all... 63 00:04:32,616 --> 00:04:36,458 - How much did that cost? - Well, again, it's advertising, so... 64 00:04:36,493 --> 00:04:39,223 - For what? - Hmm, I guess Pontiac? 65 00:04:39,258 --> 00:04:41,591 - God. - And where are you going? 66 00:04:41,726 --> 00:04:45,729 Well, speaking for the tiny, delicate life blossoming inside me, nowhere in 67 00:04:45,863 --> 00:04:48,732 - a car with T-tops and a four-barrel. - Wha... Who's gonna do 68 00:04:48,866 --> 00:04:52,762 snappy dialogue with me, underscored by sexual attraction? 69 00:04:53,971 --> 00:04:57,807 I'm so angry right now I can't even... 70 00:04:57,942 --> 00:05:02,242 Oh, goddamn it! Did you fart in that? 71 00:05:07,952 --> 00:05:12,766 - Damn it, Cyril, slow down! - Cyril, do nothing of the sort! 72 00:05:12,801 --> 00:05:16,600 Because if we miss that taping, I won't be responsible for my actions. 73 00:05:16,635 --> 00:05:18,695 - Are you ever? - She said, single and 74 00:05:18,829 --> 00:05:23,287 - pregnant. Oh, wait. - Can you two please go... 75 00:05:23,322 --> 00:05:27,537 anywhere else? It's bad enough I have to drive 24 hours straight. 76 00:05:27,671 --> 00:05:31,508 Well, Krieger said he needed Ray's help on some sort of project. 77 00:05:31,642 --> 00:05:36,248 - This quit being funny two hours ago! - It's not supposed to be funny. 78 00:05:36,283 --> 00:05:39,549 So shut up and drive the damn bus! 79 00:05:39,683 --> 00:05:43,686 Sorry, I'm a bit stressed out about Cherlene getting a record deal. 80 00:05:43,821 --> 00:05:47,710 - Right, and your 10 percent of it. - Or 50 or whatever. 81 00:05:47,745 --> 00:05:49,426 - What? - 50, really? 82 00:05:49,427 --> 00:05:52,549 Who are you, Colonel Mom Parker? 83 00:05:52,550 --> 00:05:54,631 - Nothing? - Meh. 84 00:05:54,765 --> 00:05:57,867 And not that I care what any of you think, about anything, but I lost everything 85 00:05:58,002 --> 00:06:02,873 when the Feds took ISIS, and Ron took what little I had left, so now I need to 86 00:06:02,874 --> 00:06:07,744 make it back somehow. And I'm not doing that selling cocaine, thanks to Sterling, 87 00:06:07,878 --> 00:06:12,132 who, unbelievably, is even worse at this than at spying. 88 00:06:12,133 --> 00:06:15,769 Hey, so... yeah, hi, uh, I think maybe somebody's 89 00:06:15,770 --> 00:06:17,854 holding down the talk-button thingy? 90 00:06:17,988 --> 00:06:21,691 - Uh... oh! Uh, sorry, Archer. - Exactly the opposite 91 00:06:21,826 --> 00:06:24,694 - of how it works. - What? Oh. 92 00:06:24,829 --> 00:06:29,311 - Uh, sorry, Archer. - Ten-ten-four, good buddy. 93 00:06:29,346 --> 00:06:33,884 - Sterling? - Well, he can't hear you now, I... ow! 94 00:06:34,319 --> 00:06:39,320 - Ow! Whose ring is that, the Pope's?! - Ouch! 95 00:06:39,321 --> 00:06:42,836 - Shut up. - Seriously though, I'm sorry you heard 96 00:06:42,871 --> 00:06:46,883 her say that. That's got to be a real knee to the old emotional nut sack. 97 00:06:47,017 --> 00:06:50,954 Well, I guess it would be, if A: I weren't the world's greatest spy. 98 00:06:51,088 --> 00:06:52,555 - Eh. - Shut up, 99 00:06:52,556 --> 00:06:54,757 and B: If they weren't sitting on a 100 00:06:54,892 --> 00:06:57,132 - hundred pounds of coke. - What?! 101 00:06:57,247 --> 00:07:01,698 - Affirmatory, good buddy! - Holy dickburn! So you got a buyer lined up 102 00:07:01,832 --> 00:07:05,935 - in Texas and everything?! - Well, not exactly, or at all, but, Pam, come on. 103 00:07:06,070 --> 00:07:09,819 We're talking about Texas. Somebody, somewhere, wants enough 104 00:07:09,918 --> 00:07:13,042 - cocaine to forget they live there. - Yeah, but not 100 pounds. 105 00:07:13,177 --> 00:07:17,530 Maybe we'll get lucky, find an entire town that wants to commit suicide. 106 00:07:17,982 --> 00:07:21,918 Wonder if there's a statewide database of towns with sucky high school 107 00:07:22,052 --> 00:07:24,921 football teams cross-indexed with towns a black person just moved to. 108 00:07:25,055 --> 00:07:29,459 - Jesus, Pam, I was kidding. - Duh, me too, lickbag. 109 00:07:29,494 --> 00:07:31,707 Well, but see if there is one, just 110 00:07:31,798 --> 00:07:35,765 - for shits and giggles. - Um, so, hey, speaking of... 111 00:07:35,900 --> 00:07:38,739 The hat fart was technically a shart? 112 00:07:40,004 --> 00:07:44,974 - How are you still single? - Right? 113 00:07:52,721 --> 00:07:55,623 Cyril! Goddamn it! 114 00:07:55,757 --> 00:07:58,726 - I'm-I'm sorry! - What the hell is going on up here?! 115 00:07:58,860 --> 00:08:01,862 - I must've dozed off! - Really? You don't just hate signs? 116 00:08:01,997 --> 00:08:05,666 - No, Lana, I don't ha... Ow! - In addition to sushi, 117 00:08:05,800 --> 00:08:10,638 booze, and soft cheeses, I'm also supposed to abstain from bus crashes! 118 00:08:10,772 --> 00:08:14,742 - So stay awake! - I'm trying, but 18 hours? 119 00:08:14,876 --> 00:08:17,636 - I don't know how Pam's doing it. - Seriously? 120 00:08:17,706 --> 00:08:21,557 Woooooo!! 121 00:08:21,592 --> 00:08:23,884 What the...?! 122 00:08:24,019 --> 00:08:26,935 - Hey, sleepyhead! Welcome to Texas! - Already? 123 00:08:27,027 --> 00:08:31,480 - What the shit, Pam?! - That's how we do backseat drivers. 124 00:08:31,586 --> 00:08:34,218 - I was driving! - Yeah, and sucking at it. 125 00:08:34,297 --> 00:08:38,917 - Goddamn it! How long was I out? - Like, 12 hours? Five states, 126 00:08:39,028 --> 00:08:41,349 dozen cupcakes, a bunch of truck stops. 127 00:08:41,350 --> 00:08:43,671 Uh, breaker breaker, you got your 128 00:08:43,805 --> 00:08:45,850 - ears on, Snowball? Come back. - Hang on. 129 00:08:45,947 --> 00:08:49,593 Your handle is Snowball?! Like Jerry Reed's character in the Smokey-verse?! 130 00:08:49,613 --> 00:08:52,813 - Who? - Oh. Is it from from the cupcake? 131 00:08:52,948 --> 00:08:57,618 - Cupcakes? Oh! Oh, no. - Then what's it...? 132 00:08:57,752 --> 00:09:00,754 Truck stops... are crazy awesome! This is Snowball, good buddy. 133 00:09:00,889 --> 00:09:04,447 - You might wanna check your six, Snowball. - Ew, is that about the shart?! 134 00:09:04,482 --> 00:09:07,594 - Wha...? No, lickbag! - It was a reasonable assumption. 135 00:09:07,729 --> 00:09:10,740 - What the...? - Looks like you got 136 00:09:10,775 --> 00:09:13,634 - a chain gang knocking on your back door. - Bikers? 137 00:09:13,768 --> 00:09:16,937 - What the hell do they want? - I think they want us to pull over. 138 00:09:17,072 --> 00:09:19,807 - Obviously, you idiot! Why?! - Kidnapping! 139 00:09:19,941 --> 00:09:23,877 It's a kidnapping, it's a kidnapping to kidnap me, Cherlene! 140 00:09:24,012 --> 00:09:27,614 - Why would bikers want to kidnap you? - Why would anyone? 141 00:09:27,749 --> 00:09:29,950 - Yeah, you're not even famous. - Yet! Duh! 142 00:09:30,085 --> 00:09:33,954 - Neither was Frank Sinatra Jr. Now pull over! - We are not... 143 00:09:34,089 --> 00:09:38,514 Hey, treebeard! Take me with you! You can do unspeakable 144 00:09:38,561 --> 00:09:43,764 - things to and/or on me! I... - You are not getting 145 00:09:43,898 --> 00:09:47,456 - kidnapped just to boost your singing career! - Well, now wait a minute. 146 00:09:47,491 --> 00:09:49,770 Wait a minute! Did you tell anybody 147 00:09:49,904 --> 00:09:52,673 - we were hauling a shitload of coke?! - Uh... 148 00:09:55,421 --> 00:10:00,647 - Mmm... maybe. - Maybe?! 149 00:10:00,782 --> 00:10:03,684 - Or definitely. Or whatever. - Goddamn it, Pam! 150 00:10:03,818 --> 00:10:06,901 - I wanted people to like me. - People who like you because you have 151 00:10:06,919 --> 00:10:10,991 cocaine aren't people you want as friends, Pam. And not to sound elitist, 152 00:10:11,126 --> 00:10:14,895 but neither are people who need a roll of quarters to take a shower! 153 00:10:15,030 --> 00:10:18,999 It's not just a shower, it's more communal, like a Japanese onsen, or... 154 00:10:19,134 --> 00:10:23,971 Wow! I didn't think it was possible, but I somehow just got even angrier! 155 00:10:24,105 --> 00:10:26,468 - What the heck are you looking for? - Gun! 156 00:10:26,606 --> 00:10:31,966 - Gun-gun-gun-gun! Cyril look out! - No! 157 00:10:31,983 --> 00:10:36,850 - Oh, God! - They're shooting at them! 158 00:10:36,985 --> 00:10:40,175 And I'd love nothing more than to shoot back, Pam, 159 00:10:40,285 --> 00:10:43,190 - but somehow, I can't find my gun! - Huh. 160 00:10:43,324 --> 00:10:47,058 - For the love of God, just pull over! - Uh, okay. 161 00:10:47,093 --> 00:10:48,862 - Cyril, do not stop this bus! - Okay! 162 00:10:48,997 --> 00:10:52,653 Let's just give them Cherlene. That is the very definition of a win-win! 163 00:10:52,688 --> 00:10:54,148 - Yes! - No! 164 00:10:54,160 --> 00:10:57,071 - Why do you always ruin everything for me?! - Why do you always never shut up?! 165 00:10:57,205 --> 00:11:00,808 Because where the hell is my gun?! 166 00:11:00,942 --> 00:11:06,947 Are you, like, sure you brought it? 167 00:11:07,082 --> 00:11:10,050 - Move! - Oh, shut up. 168 00:11:10,185 --> 00:11:13,620 Seriously. 169 00:11:21,062 --> 00:11:25,065 Where's my gun, Pam?! What, did you spit it in some trucker's mouth, too?! 170 00:11:25,077 --> 00:11:29,524 Okay, so, apparently a big thing at truck stops is a game called craps. 171 00:11:29,629 --> 00:11:35,876 And apparently I'm not good at it. 172 00:11:36,010 --> 00:11:40,848 - Lana, Lana, Lana! - Thank you, Cyril, I have eyeballs! 173 00:11:44,787 --> 00:11:50,194 Yeah, bitch, that's how I roll! 174 00:11:50,229 --> 00:11:53,526 - Shit! - Because even 175 00:11:53,539 --> 00:11:58,098 a goddamn baby knows, in craps, you never bet on the hard ways! Ow! 176 00:11:58,233 --> 00:12:04,771 - Oh shi... - ...it! 177 00:12:10,212 --> 00:12:14,047 - You mad? - Give ya three guesses, Pam. 178 00:12:14,182 --> 00:12:19,086 No? No? No? 179 00:12:19,220 --> 00:12:22,797 Wrong, Pam. Although I bet I'm not as mad as Mother's gonna be 180 00:12:22,794 --> 00:12:25,812 - when I tell her this was all your fault! - Aw, come on, Archer, 181 00:12:25,847 --> 00:12:29,843 - don't do that! That's not what good buddies do! - Okay, first of all, 182 00:12:29,847 --> 00:12:34,134 - you have wildly misjudged our relationship! - Archer! 183 00:12:34,269 --> 00:12:37,068 - Lana! - Yeah, you're one to talk. 184 00:12:37,103 --> 00:12:40,974 - And you're lucky I don't have my gun! - And just why the hell don't you?! 185 00:12:41,109 --> 00:12:44,111 Yeah, tell them why that is, Pam! 186 00:12:44,245 --> 00:12:48,520 - Oh, come on, please? - I...! 187 00:12:48,548 --> 00:12:53,086 - I-I didn't think I would need it. - You didn't think?! 188 00:12:53,221 --> 00:12:56,051 Well, it's a good damn thing I ain't paying you to think! 189 00:12:56,052 --> 00:12:57,938 Yeah, you're not actually pay... Ow! 190 00:12:57,973 --> 00:13:01,500 The quite-soon-to-be-number-one country singer in America?! 191 00:13:01,535 --> 00:13:04,164 And you don't think I'm a kidnapping risk?! 192 00:13:04,299 --> 00:13:07,968 - Wait... you do? Ow! - Yeah, you know, 193 00:13:08,102 --> 00:13:11,071 I'm with Archer. I think those bikers just wanted to rob us, or... 194 00:13:11,206 --> 00:13:16,977 What?! I mean, that's just absolutely crazy. We have nothing. 195 00:13:17,111 --> 00:13:19,260 Well, I would like to revisit this whole 196 00:13:19,261 --> 00:13:22,485 kidnapping idea when we have more time, but she still has 197 00:13:22,500 --> 00:13:26,853 - a show in two hours and we've still got... - I think about a hundred miles. 198 00:13:26,988 --> 00:13:30,057 And one extremely flat tire, so... 199 00:13:31,626 --> 00:13:35,929 Fix it! I will be on my tour bus 200 00:13:36,064 --> 00:13:38,926 - putting whiskey and glue inside me. - You heard her. Fix it. 201 00:13:38,961 --> 00:13:41,462 Yeah, you guys chill on the bus. 202 00:13:41,540 --> 00:13:44,972 - I'll help lickbag here change the tire. - Oh, my God. 203 00:13:45,106 --> 00:13:49,877 Sorry, I had to sell it. Chop-chop! Get the lead out, lickbag! 204 00:13:49,942 --> 00:13:53,181 And what's with the "lickbag" stuff? 205 00:13:53,217 --> 00:13:57,217 It's your CB handle! I told it to everybody from here to Kentucky! 206 00:13:58,448 --> 00:14:00,133 Good buddy. 207 00:14:04,236 --> 00:14:08,940 Whew! Okay, that's got it. 208 00:14:09,074 --> 00:14:12,710 - Well, it took you long enough. - Yeah, Mother, nine whole minutes 209 00:14:12,745 --> 00:14:15,013 - start to finish, what an incompetent boob. - Your words. 210 00:14:15,147 --> 00:14:18,149 - You know... - Rrrgh! Can we freaking go already?! 211 00:14:18,284 --> 00:14:22,552 Yeah, whatcha waiting for, lickbag? 212 00:14:28,917 --> 00:14:32,953 - Ten-four. - So, I think we may have a problem. 213 00:14:32,988 --> 00:14:36,423 Yeah, no shit. I keep waiting for her to have a heart attack, but... 214 00:14:36,458 --> 00:14:38,069 - Not Pam. - Yay! 215 00:14:38,204 --> 00:14:41,806 - The cops. - Boo. 216 00:14:41,941 --> 00:14:44,175 - Oh, shit! - Yeah, I'm gonna pull over. 217 00:14:44,310 --> 00:14:47,912 - No! No! Curtain is in ten minutes! - What do you want me to 218 00:14:48,047 --> 00:14:51,015 - do, run from the cops? - I want you to take that exit for the venue. 219 00:14:51,150 --> 00:14:54,790 Let Sterling deal with this in that ridiculous blocker car. 220 00:14:54,791 --> 00:14:57,218 Yeah, good, you guys get out of here; 221 00:14:57,253 --> 00:14:59,991 - we'll lure them away and outrun them. - In this shit-heap? 222 00:15:00,125 --> 00:15:03,194 - Are you nuts?! - Are you? You want them to get 223 00:15:03,329 --> 00:15:07,599 - pulled over with 50 pounds of cocaine? - What?! 224 00:15:07,611 --> 00:15:12,103 - Or kilos, or whatever. - You put 50 kilos of cocaine on this bus 225 00:15:12,238 --> 00:15:16,439 - without my permission?! Sterling?! - You have to press the button. 226 00:15:16,474 --> 00:15:18,042 - The what? - Oh, for... You dated 227 00:15:18,177 --> 00:15:21,112 - Burt Reynolds! - They don't have the coke, lickbag! 228 00:15:21,247 --> 00:15:24,949 - We do! Right here in the Trans Am! - Oh. 229 00:15:25,084 --> 00:15:26,884 Well, then problem solved. 230 00:15:28,187 --> 00:15:32,090 So, I have a question. 231 00:15:32,224 --> 00:15:35,193 I switched the coke in Little Rock, 'cause I was worried that... 232 00:15:35,327 --> 00:15:38,997 That because of your fat, blabbering mouth Lana would get caught with it 233 00:15:39,131 --> 00:15:41,149 and have to have her baby in prison? 234 00:15:41,150 --> 00:15:43,167 Or because you were low on cupcakes?! 235 00:15:43,302 --> 00:15:46,995 Does the why really matter? 236 00:15:47,647 --> 00:15:51,042 ♪ Eastbound and down ♪ ♪ Loaded up and truckin' ♪ 237 00:15:51,176 --> 00:15:54,659 ♪ We gonna do what they say can't be done ♪ 238 00:15:54,660 --> 00:15:59,466 ♪ We got a long way to go ♪ ♪ And a short time to get... ♪ 239 00:15:59,501 --> 00:16:01,252 Yeah! Check it out, lickbag! 240 00:16:01,387 --> 00:16:05,189 - Cherlene wrote a song about us. - What? She didn't write a... 241 00:16:05,324 --> 00:16:11,129 - That's from Smokey and the... Goddamn it! - Oww! 242 00:16:11,263 --> 00:16:14,232 - What the shit, Snidely Whiplash?! - Now both of our cars 243 00:16:14,366 --> 00:16:19,211 are messed up! I just leveled the playing field! 244 00:16:19,468 --> 00:16:23,900 - Oh, my God, I can't feel my face! - Gee, Pam, I wonder if that's got 245 00:16:23,935 --> 00:16:27,815 - anything to do with your cocaine-only diet! - Well, it's a small 246 00:16:27,850 --> 00:16:31,149 price to pay for beauty! 247 00:16:31,283 --> 00:16:34,285 - Damn it! - Man, and here you are without your gun. 248 00:16:34,420 --> 00:16:38,089 - That's pretty ironic, huh? - No, Pam, once again you're confusing 249 00:16:38,223 --> 00:16:40,675 the word ironic with "you are an idiot". 250 00:16:40,676 --> 00:16:43,127 What's ironic is that every other store 251 00:16:43,262 --> 00:16:48,032 - we drive by is a gun shop! - Oh. Okay, so then what's satire? 252 00:16:48,167 --> 00:16:52,036 Nobody really knows! Hang on! 253 00:16:52,171 --> 00:16:56,040 And then back up a sec. You're endangering your life for beauty? 254 00:16:56,175 --> 00:17:00,178 Yes, duh. Look, how hot am I now? Let me answer that for you. 255 00:17:00,312 --> 00:17:03,247 As balls. That's why everybody likes me now. 256 00:17:03,382 --> 00:17:06,250 Who, your trucker buddies?! They only like you because 257 00:17:06,385 --> 00:17:09,287 - you have coke, Pam. - Well, and the snowballs, but... 258 00:17:09,421 --> 00:17:12,957 And for what it's worth, we all kind of liked you the way you were. 259 00:17:13,092 --> 00:17:16,027 - Really? - Well, we hated you less. 260 00:17:16,161 --> 00:17:21,757 - You kind of turned into a ginormous asshole. - Yeah, with ginormous big tittays. 261 00:17:21,792 --> 00:17:23,167 Oh, for... Pam, who cares? 262 00:17:23,302 --> 00:17:28,072 That's just subcutaneous adipose tissue. Albeit a shitload of it. 263 00:17:28,207 --> 00:17:33,157 - But I can't bang you if you die from an overdose. - Aw, you want to bang me? 264 00:17:33,192 --> 00:17:35,770 Obviously! I mean look at those big bastards! 265 00:17:35,771 --> 00:17:38,349 Sucks we're gonna go to prison, though. 266 00:17:38,484 --> 00:17:42,323 - Prison? But it's my first offense. - Well, except for treason, 267 00:17:42,358 --> 00:17:46,438 but explain all that to the Brazos County judge, and maybe he'll... 268 00:17:46,473 --> 00:17:49,127 Wait a minute, we're in Travis county. Why does their car 269 00:17:49,261 --> 00:17:52,096 - say Brazos county? - Give you three guesses! 270 00:17:52,231 --> 00:17:54,843 - Crooked cops? - Yes! 271 00:17:54,873 --> 00:17:58,219 - Hang on, I still got two... - Pam, get the coke! 272 00:17:58,217 --> 00:17:59,571 Yeah! Holy coke snacks. 273 00:17:59,572 --> 00:18:02,039 - Enable the shit out of me! - What? 274 00:18:02,174 --> 00:18:04,409 - Not to snort, you idiot! - Well, I don't want to shoot it. 275 00:18:04,543 --> 00:18:08,525 - That seems like a pretty slippery slope! - Pam, any cocaine is 276 00:18:08,560 --> 00:18:11,048 a slippery slope! It's the world's most addictive drug. 277 00:18:11,183 --> 00:18:15,192 - Hang on, I heard it was nicotine. - It may very well be, Pam, 278 00:18:15,227 --> 00:18:19,355 but in our current situation I would argue that cocaine is more dangerous, 279 00:18:19,390 --> 00:18:23,094 because we're about to get murdered for it! 280 00:18:23,228 --> 00:18:28,198 - Yeah, but not overall... - They don't want us, 281 00:18:28,233 --> 00:18:32,281 - they just want the coke, so throw it out! - Of the car? 282 00:18:32,416 --> 00:18:36,119 - Pam! - Jeez, okay! But you're gonna owe me! 283 00:18:36,253 --> 00:18:41,124 - What could I possibly owe you?! - I believe there was some 284 00:18:41,258 --> 00:18:46,195 - mention of bone-throwing? - Okay, yeah, that seems like a win-win. 285 00:18:46,330 --> 00:18:51,200 ♪ I'm eastbound Just watch ol' Bandit run! ♪ 286 00:18:54,305 --> 00:18:57,273 Woo-hooo! Thank you! 287 00:18:57,407 --> 00:19:01,841 Good night, Travis County! There will be no encore! 288 00:19:01,981 --> 00:19:03,137 Woooooo! 289 00:19:03,138 --> 00:19:05,414 - Wait, what? - Outlaw country! 290 00:19:05,549 --> 00:19:09,352 No, no, no, you don't walk off after one song; you get back out there this instant. 291 00:19:09,486 --> 00:19:13,093 - What are you doing? - Uh, it's called cultivating mystique? 292 00:19:13,128 --> 00:19:14,545 - But... - It's also called 293 00:19:14,546 --> 00:19:17,182 sniffing a shit-ton of glue in my tour bus hot tub 294 00:19:17,183 --> 00:19:20,296 - because I personify outlaw country? - The... 295 00:19:20,430 --> 00:19:24,783 - Outlaw country! Woooooo! - Howdy, Tony Foti, Stringer Records, 296 00:19:24,818 --> 00:19:28,171 and I want to make that little gal famous. Are you her manager, Mrs...? 297 00:19:28,305 --> 00:19:31,946 - Oh, no, it's actually Ms.... - It's actually Mrs. 298 00:19:31,981 --> 00:19:35,165 - Will you put... - Wait, genuinely doesn't matter. Give me a call 299 00:19:35,188 --> 00:19:39,211 when y'all are ready to make some gold records. Yee-haw! 300 00:19:39,346 --> 00:19:42,281 - Ooh! Well, that went better than expected. - Yeah, maybe you can use 301 00:19:42,415 --> 00:19:45,184 the gold records to pay Archer and Pam's bail. 302 00:19:45,318 --> 00:19:47,419 - I actually don't think you can. - Plus there's no need. 303 00:19:47,554 --> 00:19:49,175 - Wait, what? - Sterling! 304 00:19:49,176 --> 00:19:51,512 Yeah, no, everything is, uh, totally fine now, 305 00:19:51,547 --> 00:19:53,259 and we totally got away. So, all set. 306 00:19:53,393 --> 00:19:55,594 Yes, but how? The police were right behind you. 307 00:19:55,729 --> 00:19:59,164 Which is right where I wanted them, so I could go old school Bandit. 308 00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:02,334 - With an inverted triple Needham. - Well, it was your own 309 00:20:02,469 --> 00:20:07,129 fault for bringing cocaine without asking, but I suppose all's well that ends well. 310 00:20:07,164 --> 00:20:09,281 - Well, except for... - Pam? 311 00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:12,636 - All's well that ends well? - Oh, right. 312 00:20:13,696 --> 00:20:17,122 But what about the hundred pounds of coke you dumped on the highway? 313 00:20:17,157 --> 00:20:19,516 - What?! - Pam! 314 00:20:20,063 --> 00:20:23,304 Looks like old Snowball done it again! 315 00:20:25,096 --> 00:20:28,679 sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ Addic7ed.com ~