1
00:00:02,902 --> 00:00:05,371
MALORY: Now tell me exactly
2
00:00:05,438 --> 00:00:09,375
what happened.
3
00:00:09,442 --> 00:00:13,345
LANA: You, through some shady
deal with the Border Patrol,
4
00:00:13,413 --> 00:00:17,149
sent us to south Texas to capture
an individual named Moreno...
5
00:00:17,216 --> 00:00:21,953
ARCHER: Mexico's most notorious coyote...
ARCHER: Which is español for
6
00:00:22,021 --> 00:00:23,088
people-smuggler.
7
00:00:23,156 --> 00:00:26,358
LANA: Thanks, that's --
ARCHER: And also for coyote, turns out.
8
00:00:26,426 --> 00:00:28,126
LANA: Archer --
ARCHER: It's a loanword.
9
00:00:28,194 --> 00:00:29,261
Or is it a calque?
10
00:00:29,329 --> 00:00:30,296
LANA: Why do you always do this?
11
00:00:30,363 --> 00:00:31,664
ARCHER: Because I'm always bored.
12
00:00:31,731 --> 00:00:34,633
CYRIL: Is he -- this is
totally nerve wracking!
13
00:00:34,701 --> 00:00:36,067
How are you bored? !
14
00:00:36,135 --> 00:00:37,336
LANA: Don't engage him.
15
00:00:37,404 --> 00:00:39,371
ARCHER: Because I've been lying
in scorpion piss for two hours,
16
00:00:39,439 --> 00:00:42,741
in the sunblasted shithole
which is Texas, waiting for a
17
00:00:42,809 --> 00:00:47,012
stupid truck stuffed with smallish
brown people who just want a job!
18
00:00:47,079 --> 00:00:49,080
CYRIL: And probably
Mexican cartel gunmen!
19
00:00:49,148 --> 00:00:49,881
LANA: What'd I just say?
20
00:00:49,949 --> 00:00:52,484
ARCHER: Big whoop, I'm
spooning a Barrett fifty-cal.
21
00:00:52,552 --> 00:00:53,652
I could kill a building.
22
00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:56,855
LANA: Just put one through the engine
block when the truck has to stop.
23
00:00:56,923 --> 00:00:58,190
Please.
24
00:00:58,257 --> 00:00:59,224
LANA: This is what he does.
25
00:00:59,292 --> 00:01:02,127
He knows we're tense because
we're normal human beings.
26
00:01:02,195 --> 00:01:05,698
My theory, and I'm serious, is
that he's got some rare kind of
27
00:01:05,765 --> 00:01:10,035
pervasive developmental disorder, or
even undiagnosed atypical autism.
28
00:01:10,102 --> 00:01:12,137
ARCHER: Your uh, mic's hot.
29
00:01:12,205 --> 00:01:13,205
LANA: I know.
30
00:01:13,272 --> 00:01:14,440
ARCHER: Wow.
31
00:01:14,507 --> 00:01:17,876
Well, here comes the truck...
LANA: Okay, we're in position.
32
00:01:17,944 --> 00:01:21,012
ARCHER: Great, so after we catch him, you
can intentionally hurt his feelings.
33
00:01:21,080 --> 00:01:24,049
LANA: Okay, first of all --
CYRIL: Can I hold the fake baby!
34
00:01:24,116 --> 00:01:25,517
LANA: Will you man up? !
35
00:01:25,585 --> 00:01:26,552
Kimberly Kevlar? !
36
00:01:26,619 --> 00:01:27,686
Here we go.
37
00:01:27,754 --> 00:01:28,587
Archer, you ready?
38
00:01:28,655 --> 00:01:32,524
ARCHER: Hang on Lana, I'm stacking
rocks in order of descending size.
39
00:01:32,592 --> 00:01:33,992
LANA: See, right there, that's...
40
00:01:34,060 --> 00:01:36,061
CHUY: Oye! Mueve el coche!
41
00:01:36,128 --> 00:01:38,330
LANA: Hi, yeah, we broke down?
42
00:01:38,398 --> 00:01:41,367
And --
CHUY: Bueno pues, los traspaso!
43
00:01:41,434 --> 00:01:45,537
CYRIL: Don't run over us, we have a baby!
44
00:01:45,605 --> 00:01:46,438
CYRIL: Oops.
45
00:01:46,506 --> 00:01:47,239
WOMAN: Es un robo!
46
00:01:47,306 --> 00:01:48,474
Vaya!
47
00:01:48,541 --> 00:01:49,341
LANA: Archer!
48
00:01:49,409 --> 00:01:51,377
ARCHER: Not talking to you.
49
00:01:56,182 --> 00:01:59,050
CHUY: Ay!
50
00:01:59,118 --> 00:02:00,652
ARCHER: I can do this all day!
51
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:04,322
Since I find repetitive
behavior so calming!
52
00:02:04,391 --> 00:02:06,625
LANA: Jesus Christ, I'm sorry!
53
00:02:06,693 --> 00:02:07,526
ARCHER: Ow!
54
00:02:07,594 --> 00:02:09,294
Apologize to my tinnitus!
55
00:02:09,362 --> 00:02:10,729
Now hands up, Moreno!
56
00:02:10,797 --> 00:02:11,797
It's over!
57
00:02:11,865 --> 00:02:18,003
MALORY: What're you -- that's not Moreno...
MERCEDES: I am Moreno!
58
00:02:18,070 --> 00:02:24,543
ARCHER: [awed gasp]
59
00:02:24,611 --> 00:02:28,013
MALORY: Moreno is a woman.
60
00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:29,339
LANA: No shit.
61
00:02:50,893 --> 00:03:01,249
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
62
00:03:04,964 --> 00:03:06,331
MALORY: I don't understand.
63
00:03:06,399 --> 00:03:09,267
If Moreno had surrendered,
how did it go so wrong?
64
00:03:09,335 --> 00:03:14,139
LANA: Uh, well, kinda slowly at first...
I said slowly!
65
00:03:14,207 --> 00:03:15,807
ARCHER: Whoa, hey, ladies, c'mon!
66
00:03:15,874 --> 00:03:18,343
I know the adrenaline's still
pumping, but let's, ya know,
67
00:03:18,411 --> 00:03:20,212
de-escalate the situation.
68
00:03:20,279 --> 00:03:22,280
LANA: Oh for -- de-escalate your dick.
69
00:03:22,348 --> 00:03:23,582
ARCHER: De -- wait.
70
00:03:23,649 --> 00:03:25,650
Escalate shutting up.
71
00:03:25,718 --> 00:03:30,155
Hola, soy Sterling Archer, agente de --
MERCEDES: De ISIS, no?
72
00:03:30,223 --> 00:03:33,057
LANA: Wait, how did you --
ARCHER: Lana, Mexico gets the news!
73
00:03:33,126 --> 00:03:35,693
I think, do you guys,
uh, las notícias...?
74
00:03:35,761 --> 00:03:38,263
LANA: Well, here's some news--
Now this is happening.
75
00:03:38,331 --> 00:03:39,931
ARCHER: I actually have
some thoughts on that.
76
00:03:39,999 --> 00:03:42,367
LANA: No, you actually --
ARCHER: Do, and those thoughts
77
00:03:42,435 --> 00:03:45,403
are, how about we let Señor... ita?
78
00:03:45,471 --> 00:03:46,304
MERCEDES: Sí.
79
00:03:46,372 --> 00:03:50,242
ARCHER: Awesome, Señorita Moreno
go, with a stern warning, if she
80
00:03:50,309 --> 00:03:54,879
promises never to do this
again, maybe over a drink?
81
00:03:54,947 --> 00:03:55,780
MAN: Hola?
82
00:03:55,848 --> 00:03:57,482
ARCHER: Oh shit, I forgot
there's people in there.
83
00:03:57,550 --> 00:03:58,983
Cyril, open the door, idiot.
84
00:03:59,051 --> 00:04:00,018
CYRIL: Don't push me!
85
00:04:00,085 --> 00:04:01,085
LANA: And do not!
86
00:04:01,154 --> 00:04:02,420
Open that door!
87
00:04:02,488 --> 00:04:04,422
CYRIL: But -- c'mon,
they gotta be roasting.
88
00:04:04,490 --> 00:04:06,525
LANA: Well I'm sorry, but if
we let 'em out, then boom!
89
00:04:06,592 --> 00:04:07,459
They scatter!
90
00:04:07,527 --> 00:04:10,061
ARCHER: (laughing) To where? !
91
00:04:10,129 --> 00:04:12,063
LANA: Uh, our overburdened
health care system?
92
00:04:12,131 --> 00:04:12,697
Ooh!
93
00:04:12,765 --> 00:04:14,866
Or maybe our tax-funded
government schools, for which -
94
00:04:14,933 --> 00:04:17,068
spoiler ahead - they don't pay taxes!
95
00:04:17,136 --> 00:04:20,372
ARCHER: How is a Lorax-blowing
treehugger like you anti-immigration? !
96
00:04:20,439 --> 00:04:23,708
LANA: Because illegal immigration--
ARCHER: Exactly! I mean, it's
97
00:04:23,776 --> 00:04:27,745
not like your ancestors, ya know...
had papers!
98
00:04:27,813 --> 00:04:29,481
LANA: Wow.
99
00:04:29,549 --> 00:04:31,349
ARCHER: Cyril I said open the door!
100
00:04:31,417 --> 00:04:35,687
CYRIL: And I said don't push me!
101
00:04:35,754 --> 00:04:39,424
LANA: And then very, very suddenly.
102
00:04:39,492 --> 00:04:41,493
ARCHER: Because I couldn't hear you!
103
00:04:41,561 --> 00:04:43,161
Over the sound!
104
00:04:43,229 --> 00:04:45,330
Of now I'm punching you!
105
00:04:45,398 --> 00:04:48,132
LANA: Dammit Archer, let him --
ARCHER: Oops.
106
00:04:48,201 --> 00:04:48,800
CYRIL: Lana!
107
00:04:48,867 --> 00:04:49,668
Have you lost your mind? !
108
00:04:49,735 --> 00:04:50,735
ARCHER: No, just my temper.
109
00:04:50,803 --> 00:04:53,271
Now open the goddamn door.
110
00:04:53,339 --> 00:04:56,174
ARCHER: And Señorita
Moreno, you're free to go.
111
00:04:56,242 --> 00:04:59,544
Although the appropriate thing would
be to buy me a thank-you drink.
112
00:04:59,612 --> 00:05:00,044
MERCEDES: Uh...?
113
00:05:00,079 --> 00:05:00,812
ARCHER: What're you doing.
114
00:05:00,879 --> 00:05:02,113
CYRIL: What are you doing? !
115
00:05:02,181 --> 00:05:03,548
You almost killed Lana!
116
00:05:03,616 --> 00:05:05,817
LANA: Nnghh...
ARCHER: No, see, she's fine!
117
00:05:05,884 --> 00:05:08,052
CYRIL: She's not fine, she's
at least got a concussion!
118
00:05:08,120 --> 00:05:08,920
ARCHER: So?
119
00:05:08,987 --> 00:05:10,388
You get like, six freebies.
120
00:05:10,456 --> 00:05:11,155
CYRIL: No you don't!
121
00:05:11,224 --> 00:05:13,057
ARCHER: Yes you do,
Cyril, now put it down!
122
00:05:13,125 --> 00:05:14,092
CYRIL: You put it down!
123
00:05:14,159 --> 00:05:14,892
It's over!
124
00:05:14,960 --> 00:05:18,597
We are turning Moreno over to the border
patrol and taking Lana to a hospital!
125
00:05:18,664 --> 00:05:19,897
ARCHER: Can't let you do that.
126
00:05:19,965 --> 00:05:22,900
The first part, hospital's
probably a good idea.
127
00:05:22,968 --> 00:05:25,437
CYRIL: Well, then we'll just see what
your mother has to say about it!
128
00:05:25,504 --> 00:05:28,106
ARCHER: Do not call her, I swear
to God I'll -- wait, hang on,
129
00:05:28,173 --> 00:05:29,307
are you wearing kevlar?
130
00:05:29,375 --> 00:05:33,845
CYRIL: Yes, because I'm
not an idi -- oh no.
131
00:05:33,912 --> 00:05:36,281
ARCHER: Sorry, I know that hurt.
132
00:05:36,349 --> 00:05:37,382
CYRIL: Nnghhhh...
133
00:05:37,450 --> 00:05:40,017
ARCHER: There, just like
"The Defiant Ones."
134
00:05:40,085 --> 00:05:44,289
Now then, I believe there was some
mention of a thank-you drink?
135
00:05:44,357 --> 00:05:47,692
MALORY: So, just so I'm clear...
You expect me to believe
136
00:05:47,760 --> 00:05:51,229
that Sterling beat both of
you up, then shot Cyril?
137
00:05:51,297 --> 00:05:52,664
LANA: Uh...
CYRIL: Uh...
138
00:05:52,732 --> 00:05:53,265
MALORY: For some
139
00:05:53,332 --> 00:05:54,266
haggard Mexican?
140
00:05:54,333 --> 00:05:57,068
- I wouldn't really describe her as haggard...
- I would.
141
00:05:57,136 --> 00:05:58,002
CYRIL: Of course you would.
142
00:05:58,070 --> 00:06:01,906
LANA: But, shut up, tempers were kinda
high, about the illegals in the truck.
143
00:06:01,974 --> 00:06:03,275
MALORY: Oh who cares about them.
144
00:06:03,342 --> 00:06:04,142
CYRIL: Not Lana.
145
00:06:04,209 --> 00:06:08,680
MALORY: Still, though, it doesn't--
Do you mind? !
146
00:06:08,748 --> 00:06:11,849
CHERYL/CAROL: Yes, it's the most
stupidest boring job in the whole stupid
147
00:06:11,917 --> 00:06:14,719
boring world!
148
00:06:14,787 --> 00:06:17,021
But you insist that we do it.
149
00:06:17,089 --> 00:06:19,090
MALORY: Not right this second!
150
00:06:19,158 --> 00:06:21,092
CHERYL/CAROL: Remind me, Pam,
when did Ms. Archer say she
151
00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:22,394
wanted us to shred this crap?
152
00:06:22,461 --> 00:06:24,228
PAM: You did say right this second.
153
00:06:24,297 --> 00:06:26,063
MALORY: I said it on Tuesday!
154
00:06:26,131 --> 00:06:26,631
CHERYL/CAROL: Well? !
155
00:06:26,699 --> 00:06:28,400
MALORY: Well what? !
156
00:06:28,467 --> 00:06:30,101
CHERYL/CAROL: I actually
don't have a follow-up.
157
00:06:30,169 --> 00:06:33,104
PAM: But speaking of, I bet a Mexican
would do this for a buck an hour.
158
00:06:33,172 --> 00:06:35,106
MALORY: Those documents are top-secret!
159
00:06:35,174 --> 00:06:36,174
CYRIL: You let Pam do it.
160
00:06:36,241 --> 00:06:37,742
PAM: Dicknuts.
161
00:06:37,810 --> 00:06:40,011
I'm just sayin, they work hard
as hell, and they work cheap.
162
00:06:40,078 --> 00:06:41,680
CHERYL/CAROL: Cheap, because
they don't pay taxes!
163
00:06:41,747 --> 00:06:42,514
LANA: Thank you!
164
00:06:42,581 --> 00:06:44,048
CHERYL/CAROL: And when did
you work with Mexicans?
165
00:06:44,116 --> 00:06:47,185
PAM: Where do you think milk comes from?
166
00:06:47,252 --> 00:06:48,720
PAM: How's it hangin, Jorge?
167
00:06:48,788 --> 00:06:49,954
JORGE: Bien, Miss Pam.
168
00:06:50,022 --> 00:06:51,723
How are joo?
169
00:06:51,791 --> 00:06:55,360
PAM: Yeah, I think you're ready.
170
00:06:55,428 --> 00:06:57,529
CHERYL/CAROL: Milk comes from Mexicans?
171
00:06:57,596 --> 00:07:00,998
Oh my God, what's cereal made from? !
172
00:07:01,066 --> 00:07:01,866
Thank you.
173
00:07:01,934 --> 00:07:02,534
PAM: Labor of love.
174
00:07:02,601 --> 00:07:03,401
MALORY: Well?
175
00:07:03,469 --> 00:07:04,135
Then what?
176
00:07:04,203 --> 00:07:06,671
I suppose next you'll tell me
Sterling drove off in the truck
177
00:07:06,739 --> 00:07:08,306
with this Mexican woman?
178
00:07:08,374 --> 00:07:09,040
CYRIL: Uh, no.
179
00:07:09,107 --> 00:07:14,212
Because if you will recall...
Archer shot out the engine block...
180
00:07:14,279 --> 00:07:17,749
And I don't think she was the
only one he drove off with...
181
00:07:17,817 --> 00:07:19,083
MALORY: So where did they all go?
182
00:07:19,151 --> 00:07:20,518
And how?
183
00:07:20,586 --> 00:07:22,086
LANA: Who the hell knows where? !
184
00:07:22,154 --> 00:07:28,460
CYRIL: Although we do have
a working theory on how...
185
00:07:28,527 --> 00:07:33,698
ARCHER: Hey I'm serious, if I have to
pull this car over you will regret it!
186
00:07:33,766 --> 00:07:37,569
ARCHER: So share the goddamn Doritos!
187
00:07:37,636 --> 00:07:40,472
Yeah, lookin right at you, Lupe.
188
00:07:43,573 --> 00:07:45,207
BILBO: You want me to look for what?
189
00:07:45,275 --> 00:07:46,141
MALORY: A station wagon!
190
00:07:46,209 --> 00:07:49,144
Clean the impending massive
heart attack out of your ears.
191
00:07:49,212 --> 00:07:50,312
BILBO: A station wagon.
192
00:07:50,380 --> 00:07:51,614
In all of Texas.
193
00:07:51,681 --> 00:07:56,051
LANA: Yeah, or Arizona, Mexico, New Mexico...
CHERYL/CAROL: Oh my God.
194
00:07:56,119 --> 00:07:57,386
PAM: You just got that.
195
00:07:57,454 --> 00:08:01,156
BILBO: Mmmokay, but that's gonna be kind
of a needle in a -- hey, is that it? !
196
00:08:01,224 --> 00:08:04,460
LANA: Oh. No, it was--
BILBO: Is that it?
197
00:08:04,527 --> 00:08:05,461
Is that it?
198
00:08:05,528 --> 00:08:06,495
Is that it?
199
00:08:06,563 --> 00:08:07,529
Or is it that?
200
00:08:07,597 --> 00:08:08,797
Is that it?
201
00:08:08,865 --> 00:08:11,032
MALORY: Alright, point --
BILBO: Wait wait wait wait!
202
00:08:11,100 --> 00:08:11,833
Is that it? !
203
00:08:11,901 --> 00:08:13,168
MALORY: Point taken!
204
00:08:13,236 --> 00:08:14,169
BILBO: Ow!
205
00:08:14,237 --> 00:08:15,371
Hey, ya know what? !
206
00:08:15,438 --> 00:08:17,539
MALORY: Swear to God, you people
make me want to pump nerve gas
207
00:08:17,607 --> 00:08:18,807
through the vents.
208
00:08:18,875 --> 00:08:19,841
KRIEGER: Just say the word.
209
00:08:19,909 --> 00:08:20,676
LANA: Krieger!
210
00:08:20,744 --> 00:08:21,377
No!
211
00:08:21,444 --> 00:08:25,213
Or, nein, or -- And how the
hell is this our fault?
212
00:08:25,282 --> 00:08:31,253
BILBO: Rrrnn...
KRIEGER: She slapped you so hard you died.
213
00:08:31,321 --> 00:08:35,924
BILBO: No, I think I'm really dyin...
KRIEGER (chuckling) I know.
214
00:08:35,992 --> 00:08:38,294
Hey, there's Archer.
215
00:08:38,361 --> 00:08:43,064
ARCHER: Aaaaaaagh!
216
00:08:43,132 --> 00:08:46,902
Ugh, whoever that was, I'm serious,
pretty sure you've got giardia.
217
00:08:46,969 --> 00:08:52,073
MERCEDES: I'm serious, please, thank you,
but we need to get back into Mexico.
218
00:08:52,141 --> 00:08:53,842
Solo para reagruparnos!
219
00:08:53,910 --> 00:08:55,844
What the hell kind of plan is this? !
220
00:08:55,912 --> 00:08:57,546
ARCHER: Mmm, I dunno if
I'd call it a plan...?
221
00:08:57,614 --> 00:08:58,914
MERCEDES: No one would!
222
00:08:58,981 --> 00:09:00,081
We can't drive around Texas!
223
00:09:00,149 --> 00:09:01,650
What about the border patrol? !
224
00:09:01,718 --> 00:09:06,154
ARCHER: The what?
225
00:09:06,222 --> 00:09:12,594
RED: What in the... hell? !
226
00:09:12,662 --> 00:09:14,663
Ten-eighty, we got a ten-eighty!
227
00:09:14,731 --> 00:09:17,866
CAT: Neat!
228
00:09:17,934 --> 00:09:21,069
MERCEDES: Puto cabezamierda
pendejo cabron!
229
00:09:21,137 --> 00:09:22,204
ARCHER: Ow! Ow!
230
00:09:22,271 --> 00:09:23,706
I'm really starting to
regret helping you!
231
00:09:23,773 --> 00:09:24,707
MERCEDES: Wh-?
232
00:09:24,774 --> 00:09:25,507
This is the opposite of help!
233
00:09:25,575 --> 00:09:27,343
Which no one asked you for anyway!
234
00:09:27,410 --> 00:09:29,745
ARCHER: That's what makes it so noble!
235
00:09:29,813 --> 00:09:30,946
MERCEDES: Está loco!
236
00:09:31,013 --> 00:09:32,013
CHUY: Loco, no sé.
237
00:09:32,081 --> 00:09:33,048
Tal vez autismo.
238
00:09:33,115 --> 00:09:35,784
ARCHER: Goddammit Chuy
I don't have autism!
239
00:09:35,852 --> 00:09:38,721
I thought if I let you go
you'd at least blow me!
240
00:09:38,788 --> 00:09:42,157
MERCEDES: Pinche
cabezamierda pendejo cabron!
241
00:09:42,225 --> 00:09:44,192
You think I am some kind of whore? !
242
00:09:44,260 --> 00:09:46,995
ARCHER: No, but -- Chuy, back me
up here, was there not, like, a
243
00:09:47,063 --> 00:09:48,464
cock-hungry vibe?
244
00:09:48,531 --> 00:09:49,231
RED: Driver.
245
00:09:49,298 --> 00:09:50,131
Driver.
246
00:09:50,199 --> 00:09:50,966
Driver!
247
00:09:51,033 --> 00:09:52,501
ARCHER: Hey guys!
248
00:09:52,569 --> 00:09:55,136
Can you escort us to a hospital?
249
00:09:55,204 --> 00:09:59,608
I bet at least three of these
woman are about to give birth.
250
00:09:59,676 --> 00:10:09,050
Whoa, okay, okay, I'm pulling ov --
RED: We're ten-fifty we're ten-fifty!
251
00:10:09,118 --> 00:10:10,619
ARCHER: What the shit? !
252
00:10:10,687 --> 00:10:14,356
Who did that? !
253
00:10:14,424 --> 00:10:16,792
Malo, Lupe, muy malo!
254
00:10:16,860 --> 00:10:20,896
Oh, plus you are just covered in...
polvo Dorito!
255
00:10:20,963 --> 00:10:23,031
MERCEDES: Diós mio, don't kill them!
256
00:10:23,099 --> 00:10:23,866
ARCHER: What? !
257
00:10:23,933 --> 00:10:25,667
God, what kind of person
do you think I am?
258
00:10:25,735 --> 00:10:27,603
MERCEDES: I really think
you might be insane.
259
00:10:27,670 --> 00:10:31,106
ARCHER: That was more of a rhetorical--
MERCEDES: But I also think you
260
00:10:31,173 --> 00:10:34,476
make a big risk, to help some poor
people who just want a better life
261
00:10:34,544 --> 00:10:35,577
for their family.
262
00:10:35,645 --> 00:10:41,082
And that, to me, is muy admirable.
263
00:10:45,154 --> 00:10:45,921
ARCHER: See?
264
00:10:45,988 --> 00:10:50,893
I knew you wanted to blow m --
Sorry, that was inappropriate.
265
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,494
Although so was the response.
266
00:10:52,562 --> 00:10:53,361
RED: Drop the weapon!
267
00:10:53,430 --> 00:10:54,663
Drop it!
268
00:10:54,731 --> 00:10:55,397
ARCHER: Here.
269
00:10:55,465 --> 00:10:56,498
MERCEDES: You are crazy!
270
00:10:56,566 --> 00:10:57,566
They'll kill us!
271
00:10:57,634 --> 00:10:58,634
ARCHER: Uh-uh, empty.
272
00:10:58,701 --> 00:10:59,334
MERCEDES: Wh-?
273
00:10:59,402 --> 00:11:00,402
RED: Last warning!
274
00:11:00,470 --> 00:11:03,472
ARCHER: Those are
three-fifty-seven, ow, Ruger sixes.
275
00:11:03,540 --> 00:11:04,706
They each fired six.
276
00:11:04,774 --> 00:11:06,107
MERCEDES: How did you count them? !
277
00:11:06,175 --> 00:11:08,276
ARCHER: I'm just super good at that.
278
00:11:08,344 --> 00:11:10,779
Oh my God, maybe I am autistic.
279
00:11:10,847 --> 00:11:13,281
RED: O.K. ya dirty-ass beaner! That's it!
280
00:11:13,349 --> 00:11:14,917
[ CLICK CLICK CLICK CLICK! ]
281
00:11:14,984 --> 00:11:16,685
MERCEDES: Qué? !
282
00:11:16,753 --> 00:11:20,422
I'm sorry, I couldn't hear
you over the sound of...
283
00:11:20,490 --> 00:11:24,827
espera, tenía algo para esto.
284
00:11:24,894 --> 00:11:28,564
RED: But I'd like to take this opportunity
to apologize for that racial slur.
285
00:11:28,631 --> 00:11:29,832
MERCEDES: Sí?
286
00:11:29,899 --> 00:11:31,633
What about the racial profiling?
287
00:11:31,701 --> 00:11:33,735
Whatever happened to probable cause?
288
00:11:33,803 --> 00:11:36,438
RED: Our probable cause is the border!
289
00:11:36,506 --> 00:11:38,774
Which we protect from terrorists?
290
00:11:38,842 --> 00:11:40,943
Look, we're just doin our job here.
291
00:11:41,010 --> 00:11:45,747
ARCHER: Shittily...
Two-for-twelve at that distance?
292
00:11:45,815 --> 00:11:47,983
Although, two does seem like plenty.
293
00:11:48,050 --> 00:11:49,551
LUPE: Mijo, no debes beber.
294
00:11:49,619 --> 00:11:52,087
ARCHER: Really, you learn
that in med school? !
295
00:11:52,154 --> 00:11:55,023
Lo siento, Lupe, tengo mucho dolor.
296
00:11:55,091 --> 00:11:57,960
But quit hogging the beads, I'm
sure Marisol and Paz wanna pray.
297
00:11:58,027 --> 00:12:01,897
And these people aren't -- I
mean not to sound racist, but
298
00:12:01,965 --> 00:12:04,666
we all know who the terrorists are...
LUPE: Los musulmanes.
299
00:12:04,734 --> 00:12:05,634
ARCHER: Lupe!
300
00:12:05,702 --> 00:12:08,036
C'mon, you're in America
now, you just imply it.
301
00:12:08,104 --> 00:12:09,938
RED: Hey, let us go.
302
00:12:10,006 --> 00:12:12,173
You got our first aid kit, the
radio outta the truck so you
303
00:12:12,241 --> 00:12:15,811
can monitor the police band...
ARCHER: And, not to sound racist again?
304
00:12:15,879 --> 00:12:18,981
But how many Mexicans does it
take to hook up a car stereo? !
305
00:12:19,048 --> 00:12:19,715
MERCEDES: Hey!
306
00:12:19,782 --> 00:12:20,382
ARCHER: Well? !
307
00:12:20,449 --> 00:12:21,783
MERCEDES: Well what? !
308
00:12:21,851 --> 00:12:23,284
ARCHER: Don't actually have a follow-up.
309
00:12:23,352 --> 00:12:25,821
But seriously, Chuy, que the hell pasa?
310
00:12:25,889 --> 00:12:30,258
CHUY: I dunno, the police band is
working, but now the eight-track is not.
311
00:12:30,326 --> 00:12:31,092
ARCHER: Why!
312
00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:32,995
Would we need the eight-track? !
313
00:12:33,062 --> 00:12:36,431
Oh, that can't be good...
MERCEDES: Basta!
314
00:12:36,499 --> 00:12:37,198
Vamonos!
315
00:12:37,266 --> 00:12:38,166
We go to hospital!
316
00:12:38,234 --> 00:12:39,234
You two!
317
00:12:39,301 --> 00:12:39,902
Get your ass off the car!
318
00:12:39,969 --> 00:12:41,302
RED: You can't just leave us here!
319
00:12:41,370 --> 00:12:43,572
We're twenty miles away
from our last call-in!
320
00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:46,274
We'll die out here!
321
00:12:46,342 --> 00:12:54,816
ARCHER: Goddamnit... I'm actually gonna
take that back... I'm glad you took the
322
00:12:54,884 --> 00:12:56,217
time to fix it.
323
00:12:56,285 --> 00:12:58,416
Eight-track was the way to go.
324
00:13:09,591 --> 00:13:11,325
LANA: What do you mean "Way to go"?
325
00:13:11,393 --> 00:13:13,093
Which you clearly said sarcastically.
326
00:13:13,161 --> 00:13:14,127
MALORY: I mean,
327
00:13:14,196 --> 00:13:17,798
thanks to you, now there might not be any...
reward money, which I had
328
00:13:17,865 --> 00:13:20,934
earmarked for -- vital operations.
329
00:13:21,002 --> 00:13:22,836
LANA: You were gonna re-do your office.
330
00:13:22,904 --> 00:13:26,240
MALORY: Picture it all sort of
pan-Asian Mod, and the carpet
331
00:13:26,308 --> 00:13:28,875
just a sea of white!
332
00:13:28,943 --> 00:13:30,911
But now I'm stuck with cat-puke green.
333
00:13:30,978 --> 00:13:32,546
Because you couldn't control Sterling.
334
00:13:32,614 --> 00:13:36,350
LANA: Since when is babysitting Archer
my job, my God, that's exactly my job...
335
00:13:36,418 --> 00:13:38,586
MALORY: Which, to belabor
the point, you failed.
336
00:13:38,653 --> 00:13:42,989
Now he's run off with this old
Mexican woman to who knows where!
337
00:13:43,057 --> 00:13:44,024
LANA: Ewww!
338
00:13:44,092 --> 00:13:46,260
MALORY: Put a shirt on,
what is wrong with you? !
339
00:13:46,328 --> 00:13:47,394
CYRIL: Archer!
340
00:13:47,462 --> 00:13:48,362
Is what is wrong with me!
341
00:13:48,430 --> 00:13:51,265
And not that I care, at all, but
have you tried calling him?
342
00:13:51,333 --> 00:13:53,500
MALORY: Please, with
those idiot voicemails?
343
00:13:53,568 --> 00:13:54,535
LANA: Ugh.
344
00:13:54,603 --> 00:14:01,542
Although, it couldn't hurt...
ARCHER: Hang on, I should get that...
345
00:14:01,610 --> 00:14:02,976
MERCEDES: Now?
346
00:14:03,044 --> 00:14:06,313
ARCHER: Trust me, if you knew my mother...
MERCEDES: Please, if you knew mine.
347
00:14:06,381 --> 00:14:08,048
But you should not be talking right now.
348
00:14:08,116 --> 00:14:10,384
KINDLY OLD VET: And he
really shouldn't be drinkin.
349
00:14:10,452 --> 00:14:11,184
ARCHER: Really?
350
00:14:11,253 --> 00:14:12,486
You learn that in med school?
351
00:14:12,554 --> 00:14:16,557
That you obviously didn't get into? !
352
00:14:16,625 --> 00:14:19,192
I'm sorry, veterinarian,
I'm in a lot of pain.
353
00:14:19,261 --> 00:14:21,194
KINDLY OLD VET: I don't
even know how you're alive.
354
00:14:21,263 --> 00:14:22,563
ARCHER: I'm very strong.
355
00:14:22,631 --> 00:14:24,064
And also very drunk.
356
00:14:24,132 --> 00:14:25,633
Which, paging Doctor D.T.
357
00:14:25,700 --> 00:14:27,668
McShakyhands?
358
00:14:27,736 --> 00:14:29,803
Seriously, get your shit together.
359
00:14:29,871 --> 00:14:30,738
Mother?
360
00:14:30,805 --> 00:14:34,441
Listen, I'm sorry, I take...
ARCHER: Equal responsibility, with Lana...
361
00:14:34,509 --> 00:14:35,075
LANA: Wh-? !
362
00:14:35,143 --> 00:14:35,942
ARCHER: But -- ow!
363
00:14:36,010 --> 00:14:37,611
C'mon, Katy Hepburn!
364
00:14:37,679 --> 00:14:40,781
The stupid Border Patrol shot
me, twice, and I could really
365
00:14:40,848 --> 00:14:42,383
use a medivac chopper.
366
00:14:42,450 --> 00:14:48,422
I'm kinda near -- hey, where --
Goddammit man, pace yourself!
367
00:14:48,490 --> 00:14:49,189
MALORY: See?
368
00:14:49,257 --> 00:14:51,325
They just get more and more
elaborate, and then it's "ha ha
369
00:14:51,393 --> 00:14:53,927
beep" and then somehow I'm the idiot.
370
00:14:53,995 --> 00:14:54,395
ARCHER: What? !
371
00:14:54,462 --> 00:14:57,564
No no no this isn't a voi--
[ dial tone ] Smail.
372
00:14:57,632 --> 00:15:00,501
Well, I'm sure there's a lesson
in there somewhere, but -- ow!
373
00:15:00,568 --> 00:15:01,468
KINDLY OLD VET: Hic!
374
00:15:01,536 --> 00:15:03,337
That oughta do 'er.
375
00:15:03,405 --> 00:15:04,505
MERCEDES: Gracias a Diós!
376
00:15:04,572 --> 00:15:05,839
And to you, doctor!
377
00:15:05,907 --> 00:15:07,841
You truly have the gift of healing!
378
00:15:07,909 --> 00:15:10,811
KINDLY OLD VET: Boy, I wish you'd
tell that to the licensing board.
379
00:15:10,878 --> 00:15:12,713
ARCHER: You don't even
have a vet license? !
380
00:15:12,781 --> 00:15:15,316
KINDLY OLD VET: Thanks to
one petty local politician.
381
00:15:15,383 --> 00:15:17,685
And one petty barn fulla dead horses.
382
00:15:17,752 --> 00:15:21,888
ARCHER: Will you shut
up and stitch me up? !
383
00:15:21,956 --> 00:15:25,125
MALORY: Although... if that
wasn't a prank, and the
384
00:15:25,193 --> 00:15:29,697
Border Patrol did shoot him...
LANA & CYRIL: (snide laugh)
385
00:15:29,764 --> 00:15:30,664
Inappropriate.
386
00:15:30,732 --> 00:15:34,000
MALORY: Oh he just has to ruin everything...
KINDLY OLD VET: Yeah, so watch
387
00:15:34,068 --> 00:15:37,504
out for dehydration...
MERCEDES: Thank you, doctor, we will.
388
00:15:37,572 --> 00:15:39,340
KINDLY OLD VET: And also
for internal bleeding.
389
00:15:39,407 --> 00:15:40,774
MERCEDES: We --
KINDLY OLD VET: And sepsis.
390
00:15:40,842 --> 00:15:42,142
MERCEDES: We --
KINDLY OLD VET: And MRSA.
391
00:15:42,210 --> 00:15:43,644
MERCEDES: We --
KINDLY OLD VET: And probably not
392
00:15:43,712 --> 00:15:44,845
a bad idea to get him
tested for feline AIDS.
393
00:15:44,912 --> 00:15:45,679
ARCHER: We get it!
394
00:15:45,747 --> 00:15:47,113
Now can we go already? !
395
00:15:47,181 --> 00:15:51,985
He said, in agony, because the
unlicensed vet drank all his tequila!
396
00:15:52,053 --> 00:15:54,421
LUPE: Es mejor, no debes beber.
397
00:15:54,489 --> 00:15:56,757
ARCHER: Lupe, ya tengo una madre!
398
00:15:56,825 --> 00:15:57,658
Now go!
399
00:15:57,726 --> 00:15:58,625
MERCEDES: Thank you, doctor.
400
00:15:58,693 --> 00:16:00,461
KINDLY OLD VET: Oh, don't thank me.
401
00:16:00,528 --> 00:16:02,496
Seriously, I probably did more
harm than good, so if there's
402
00:16:02,564 --> 00:16:06,333
any way to get to one, a medivac
chopper wouldn't kill him.
403
00:16:09,937 --> 00:16:13,273
Less he got flung up
into the blades somehow.
404
00:16:13,341 --> 00:16:17,244
Yeah, that'd do it...
MALORY: That will do, thank you!
405
00:16:17,311 --> 00:16:19,913
LANA: I -- wait, but two Border
Patrol agents are missing,
406
00:16:19,981 --> 00:16:22,583
Archer's missing, and you
want us to do... nothing?
407
00:16:22,650 --> 00:16:24,184
MALORY: Yes, just like
you've done up to now.
408
00:16:24,252 --> 00:16:25,151
LANA: Malory, we --
409
00:16:25,219 --> 00:16:26,219
MALORY: But thank you both for
410
00:16:26,287 --> 00:16:27,153
all that you did do.
411
00:16:27,221 --> 00:16:28,889
Which, again, was nothing.
412
00:16:28,956 --> 00:16:31,324
CYRIL: Nothing -- I got shot!
413
00:16:31,393 --> 00:16:33,794
MALORY: Any idiot can get shot, Cyril!
414
00:16:33,862 --> 00:16:34,862
Ask Brett!
415
00:16:34,929 --> 00:16:38,231
Now if you'll excuse me, I need
to make some calls to see if I
416
00:16:38,299 --> 00:16:43,637
can get my son out of this mess.
417
00:16:43,705 --> 00:16:44,938
PAM: How's it hangin, Grimace?
418
00:16:45,006 --> 00:16:46,306
CYRIL: Owww!
419
00:16:46,374 --> 00:16:47,808
Why?
420
00:16:47,876 --> 00:16:49,276
ARCHER: Why's the AC on?
421
00:16:49,343 --> 00:16:51,645
MERCEDES: That's not
the AC, it's the heat!
422
00:16:51,713 --> 00:16:53,013
ARCHER: Then why's it so cold?
423
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:56,349
LUPE: Porque vas al cielo...
ARCHER: Really doubt I'm going to heaven...
424
00:16:56,418 --> 00:16:57,317
LUPE: Well, dying.
425
00:16:57,385 --> 00:17:01,321
MERCEDES: No he's not!
426
00:17:01,389 --> 00:17:03,924
ARCHER: Well, you say that...
MERCEDES: We'll never make it in
427
00:17:03,991 --> 00:17:05,592
time in this crappy car!
428
00:17:05,660 --> 00:17:06,894
You need a helicopter!
429
00:17:06,961 --> 00:17:12,966
ARCHER: Yeah, I dunno if you heard, but--
I don't have access to a helicopter.
430
00:17:13,034 --> 00:17:13,834
MERCEDES: They do.
431
00:17:13,902 --> 00:17:16,236
RED: C'mon, we're in
enough trouble already!
432
00:17:16,304 --> 00:17:17,571
MERCEDES: With who.
433
00:17:17,639 --> 00:17:20,474
- Dammit... - You call headquarters,
you say an innocent Amer --
434
00:17:20,542 --> 00:17:22,309
Republican was shot in a
435
00:17:22,376 --> 00:17:23,644
gunfight with some illegals...
436
00:17:23,711 --> 00:17:24,277
ARCHER: Wh-?
437
00:17:24,345 --> 00:17:26,680
No, that'll just make
you people look worse!
438
00:17:26,748 --> 00:17:30,651
No, not worse as in -- okay, screw
you guys, you know what I meant.
439
00:17:30,718 --> 00:17:34,488
But if they call this in, you'll --
MERCEDES: We will be far away by then.
440
00:17:34,556 --> 00:17:37,891
And besides, what kind of car will
the Border Patrol be looking for?
441
00:17:37,959 --> 00:17:43,430
RED: A... ridiculous lowrider truck with
fender-flares and louvers and shit?
442
00:17:43,498 --> 00:17:44,665
MERCEDES: Exacto.
443
00:17:44,732 --> 00:17:48,502
And so, Mr. Archer, I'm
afraid for us, this is adios.
444
00:17:48,570 --> 00:17:49,503
ARCHER: Adios?
445
00:17:49,571 --> 00:17:52,038
Not hasta pronto, or --
446
00:17:56,043 --> 00:18:01,682
So, I'm guessing that's a
no possible on the blowjob?
447
00:18:01,749 --> 00:18:07,053
MERCEDES: Adios, lindo.
448
00:18:07,121 --> 00:18:11,391
RED: Well, if that ain't a big loada shit...
Turns out he's some kinda spook.
449
00:18:11,459 --> 00:18:13,293
ARCHER: Dude, phrasing!
450
00:18:13,361 --> 00:18:14,962
He's right here!
451
00:18:15,029 --> 00:18:17,898
Don't listen to him, you're beautiful.
452
00:18:17,966 --> 00:18:21,668
As is whatever you're doing,
with the, morphine-wise.
453
00:18:21,736 --> 00:18:22,803
Keep that coming.
454
00:18:22,871 --> 00:18:25,138
RED: That was my boss's boss's boss.
455
00:18:25,206 --> 00:18:27,073
He says yer ass gets total immunity!
456
00:18:27,141 --> 00:18:28,241
ARCHER: Ha ha!
457
00:18:28,309 --> 00:18:34,681
For helping the most notorious coyote
in todo Mexico, Mercedes Moreno? !
458
00:18:34,749 --> 00:18:35,582
RED: Mercedes?
459
00:18:35,650 --> 00:18:36,783
ARCHER: Vrooom!
460
00:18:36,851 --> 00:18:41,287
RED: Shit, she must be her daughter...
ARCHER: Wait, whose daughter?
461
00:18:41,355 --> 00:18:43,690
RED: Maria Moreno, dumbass.
462
00:18:43,758 --> 00:18:46,393
She's who we're after.
463
00:18:46,460 --> 00:18:49,129
Bet she smuggles in a thouzna
them sumbitches a year.
464
00:18:49,196 --> 00:18:52,132
But word on the street
is, now she's expanding!
465
00:18:52,199 --> 00:18:55,101
Gonna start bringin em in convoys!
466
00:18:55,169 --> 00:18:56,837
And blow me if we can catch her.
467
00:18:56,905 --> 00:18:57,838
CAT: Mmm!
468
00:18:57,906 --> 00:19:05,078
ARCHER: But if Mercedes isn't...
then why would... but... oh, hang on a sec.
469
00:19:05,146 --> 00:19:06,513
Dear Sterling.
470
00:19:06,581 --> 00:19:09,683
You probably should not be
reading this out loud, bec --
471
00:19:09,751 --> 00:19:12,085
MERCEDES: Because hopefully you
are with the Border Patrol, on
472
00:19:12,153 --> 00:19:13,520
the way to a real hospital.
473
00:19:13,588 --> 00:19:15,321
I'm so sorry you got shot.
474
00:19:15,389 --> 00:19:19,259
And I don't know how to tell you this,
but we did not meet by accident.
475
00:19:19,326 --> 00:19:21,795
We knew you would be there, Sterling.
476
00:19:21,863 --> 00:19:23,096
MERCEDES: Vale vale, ahí estan.
477
00:19:23,164 --> 00:19:25,331
Prepárate.
478
00:19:25,399 --> 00:19:29,736
We knew your strengths... And we also
knew your -- well, one of your many, many
479
00:19:29,804 --> 00:19:32,539
weaknesses.
480
00:19:32,607 --> 00:19:36,242
MERCEDES: Por suerte no
es Ray Gillette, eh?
481
00:19:36,310 --> 00:19:38,812
And then... well, you know the rest.
482
00:19:38,880 --> 00:19:42,082
ARCHER: What the... mierda!
483
00:19:42,149 --> 00:19:46,987
MERCEDES: Cuidate, Sterling Archer,
te guardaré siempre en mi corazón.
484
00:19:47,055 --> 00:19:48,455
ARCHER: But... who? !
485
00:19:48,522 --> 00:19:52,726
Oh hang on, there's a --
MERCEDES: P.S., and as for who -- wait, hang on.
486
00:19:52,794 --> 00:19:55,295
Oh, Lupe says she will
be praying for you.
487
00:19:55,362 --> 00:19:59,532
And as for who, I hate to be the
one to tell you this, but maybe
488
00:19:59,601 --> 00:20:04,671
you know someone who values money...
ARCHER: Oh my... Mother.
489
00:20:04,739 --> 00:20:07,629
MERCEDES: More than their
so-called principles?
490
00:20:07,988 --> 00:20:10,334
So what do you care if it's in pesos?
491
00:20:10,772 --> 00:20:14,153
Well, actually, no, I was,
but then I thought...
492
00:20:14,273 --> 00:20:15,937
white carpet?
493
00:20:16,057 --> 00:20:18,636
Because he wouldn't believe what
those *** are.
494
00:20:19,396 --> 00:20:20,730
What are you doing?
495
00:20:20,850 --> 00:20:23,662
What? Nothing. I'm just a hologram.
496
00:20:28,823 --> 00:20:30,389
Anyhoo...
497
00:20:30,509 --> 00:20:40,958
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com