1 00:00:02,723 --> 00:00:04,191 Why do I seem annoyed? 2 00:00:04,259 --> 00:00:07,761 Let's see... Instead of savoring this espresso, this cigarette, 3 00:00:07,828 --> 00:00:10,130 and the exactly four minutes of free time I have today, 4 00:00:10,198 --> 00:00:12,299 I'm talking to you cockwits. 5 00:00:12,367 --> 00:00:13,300 What else? 6 00:00:13,368 --> 00:00:16,248 Oh, tonight I'm doing a special seating for a bunch of diplomats from the 7 00:00:16,304 --> 00:00:18,071 State Department and Albania. 8 00:00:18,139 --> 00:00:21,141 So not only do I have to create a meal out of yogurt and a goddamn 9 00:00:21,209 --> 00:00:23,510 sheep's head, apparently there's been some vague security 10 00:00:23,577 --> 00:00:27,247 threat, so my highly-trained staff... has been infiltrated! 11 00:00:27,315 --> 00:00:29,383 - Sorry... - By Shithead Squadron. 12 00:00:29,450 --> 00:00:33,186 Just need to grab some menus, for-- the camera, why is there a camera? 13 00:00:33,254 --> 00:00:35,989 I assume because this restaurant can't hold three million viewers? 14 00:00:36,057 --> 00:00:36,924 Two-point-eight. 15 00:00:36,991 --> 00:00:38,725 Because it's not promoted properly! 16 00:00:38,793 --> 00:00:40,227 This is gonna be televised?! 17 00:00:40,295 --> 00:00:41,995 Yeah, the show's called Bastard Chef? 18 00:00:42,063 --> 00:00:44,064 Mm. Scuse me. 19 00:00:44,132 --> 00:00:45,632 Thank you, giraffe-lady! 20 00:00:45,699 --> 00:00:49,436 Anyway, those ISIS idiots are doing security, and for some inexplicable reason 21 00:00:49,503 --> 00:00:52,839 they have to do that undercover, so- 22 00:01:05,119 --> 00:01:05,852 Whoops. 23 00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:08,655 That's probably why I seem annoyed. 24 00:01:08,722 --> 00:01:10,590 Let's go Chet, c'mon, chop chop. 25 00:01:10,658 --> 00:01:13,093 You're the one who dropped it, why do I have to clean it up? 26 00:01:13,161 --> 00:01:16,796 Because you're the garçon de cuisine, which means kitchen boy, whereas 27 00:01:16,864 --> 00:01:20,700 I am the sous chef, which means shut your face and mop up the damn yogurt. 28 00:01:20,768 --> 00:01:22,169 And why do you get to be sous chef? 29 00:01:22,236 --> 00:01:24,938 Because I have fine dining experience! 30 00:01:25,006 --> 00:01:26,239 I used to own a restaurant. 31 00:01:26,307 --> 00:01:27,607 It was a burger joint! 32 00:01:27,675 --> 00:01:28,241 Cyril? 33 00:01:28,309 --> 00:01:29,609 I mean Chet? 34 00:01:29,677 --> 00:01:30,610 Archer? 35 00:01:30,678 --> 00:01:31,378 She means Randy. 36 00:01:31,446 --> 00:01:32,479 Can I borrow you? 37 00:01:32,546 --> 00:01:34,681 Sure, Mitzi. 38 00:01:34,748 --> 00:01:36,483 My name is not Mitzi. 39 00:01:36,550 --> 00:01:37,050 Walk-in. 40 00:01:37,118 --> 00:01:37,851 Now. 41 00:01:37,918 --> 00:01:39,586 Yeah, I got time for a quickie. 42 00:01:39,653 --> 00:01:40,620 Wait, a what? 43 00:01:40,688 --> 00:01:41,888 Arch -- Randy! 44 00:01:41,956 --> 00:01:44,391 Whoaaa, whoaaa... ungh! 45 00:01:45,259 --> 00:01:46,926 You guys can edit that out, right? 46 00:01:46,995 --> 00:01:47,760 Yes. 47 00:01:47,828 --> 00:01:49,729 But we won't. 48 00:01:49,797 --> 00:01:53,766 So, quick question, do you think it's a good idea to be talking to a 49 00:01:53,834 --> 00:01:54,468 TV crew when we're undercover? 50 00:01:54,535 --> 00:01:58,938 Fake names, duh, follow-up question, do you know how TV actually works? 51 00:01:59,007 --> 00:01:59,725 I -- 52 00:01:59,845 --> 00:02:02,845 They're not gonna broadcast this episode in this restaurant tonight! 53 00:02:02,877 --> 00:02:03,643 Wait, are you guys? 54 00:02:03,711 --> 00:02:06,279 No, we -- Like a closed-circuit deal, or...? 55 00:02:06,347 --> 00:02:07,047 No. 56 00:02:07,115 --> 00:02:10,283 Because come to think of it, I don't know how TV actually works either. 57 00:02:10,351 --> 00:02:11,472 How about geopolitics? 58 00:02:11,486 --> 00:02:14,021 - Eh... - Because if anything goes wrong tonight, 59 00:02:14,088 --> 00:02:17,690 US-Albanian relations could become even more unstable, so -- 60 00:02:17,758 --> 00:02:18,691 What the shit?! 61 00:02:18,759 --> 00:02:21,428 Speaking of unstable -- that guy is a powder keg. 62 00:02:21,496 --> 00:02:26,033 Why is there yogurt frickin' soup all over my spotless frickin' kitchen?! 63 00:02:26,100 --> 00:02:26,566 Randy did it. 64 00:02:26,634 --> 00:02:31,104 Whoa whoa, first of all, no I didn't, and second, these bowls are the worst! 65 00:02:31,172 --> 00:02:34,083 Look, they're like, totally slipper-- 66 00:03:08,872 --> 00:03:19,006 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 67 00:03:20,895 --> 00:03:22,596 Seize, please hold. 68 00:03:22,664 --> 00:03:23,797 Seize, please hold. 69 00:03:23,865 --> 00:03:25,232 Seizepleasehold seizepleasehold! 70 00:03:25,300 --> 00:03:25,940 seizepleasehold! 71 00:03:25,967 --> 00:03:27,100 Rrrg! 72 00:03:27,168 --> 00:03:27,768 What're you doing? 73 00:03:27,835 --> 00:03:30,337 Well I'll tell you what I'm not doing -- Besides your job? 74 00:03:30,405 --> 00:03:33,307 My job, is -- Answering the damn phone. 75 00:03:33,375 --> 00:03:37,043 A task so simple that if the health department should let me, I'd have a monkey do it. 76 00:03:37,111 --> 00:03:37,611 Why? 77 00:03:37,612 --> 00:03:39,012 No, I was obviously being facetious. 78 00:03:39,080 --> 00:03:40,714 I would never allow a monkey in my restaurant. 79 00:03:40,782 --> 00:03:43,517 Except maybe in the form of an exquisitely prepared entrée. 80 00:03:43,585 --> 00:03:47,554 No, I mean you're booked solid for... Holy shit, the next ten months? 81 00:03:47,622 --> 00:03:49,390 So why even bother answering the phone? 82 00:03:49,457 --> 00:03:50,991 To tell people they can't eat here. 83 00:03:51,058 --> 00:03:52,859 So, to drive people away, basically. 84 00:03:52,927 --> 00:03:53,960 Those people. 85 00:03:54,028 --> 00:03:56,062 That's not even the real phone number for reservations. 86 00:03:56,130 --> 00:03:56,830 I'm sorry? 87 00:03:56,898 --> 00:03:58,098 The real number's a secret. 88 00:03:58,166 --> 00:04:00,334 Closely guarded by people I deem acceptable. 89 00:04:00,402 --> 00:04:03,937 So, just so I'm clear, instead of assessing the security needs for 90 00:04:04,005 --> 00:04:06,740 tonight, I'm answering phone calls from people who aren't good enough 91 00:04:06,808 --> 00:04:08,275 to eat here in the first place. 92 00:04:08,343 --> 00:04:12,979 Yeah, so try to sound apologetic, but not, ya know, overly so. 93 00:04:13,047 --> 00:04:13,647 Seize. 94 00:04:13,715 --> 00:04:16,550 I'm sorry, we have nothing available for the next ten months. 95 00:04:16,618 --> 00:04:18,852 Mmmkaybye. 96 00:04:18,920 --> 00:04:20,053 Keep trying. 97 00:04:20,121 --> 00:04:21,488 Ugh, why? 98 00:04:21,556 --> 00:04:22,956 Besides I said so? 99 00:04:23,024 --> 00:04:24,057 They're booked. 100 00:04:24,125 --> 00:04:25,926 If I'd known I couldn't get a table I'd have never 101 00:04:25,993 --> 00:04:27,828 agreed to do security! 102 00:04:27,895 --> 00:04:29,496 Why do they need security anyway? 103 00:04:29,564 --> 00:04:33,600 There was a... threat, of some sort, it's all rather vague, 104 00:04:33,668 --> 00:04:36,437 but when those State Department dweebs see just 105 00:04:36,504 --> 00:04:42,242 how good ISIS really is, mark my words... one day soon we'll be a major player. 106 00:04:44,312 --> 00:04:44,745 What. 107 00:04:44,813 --> 00:04:47,548 - No, you know, just... - You say 108 00:04:47,615 --> 00:04:49,616 that like you believe it. 109 00:04:49,684 --> 00:04:50,551 Wh-? Hey! 110 00:04:50,618 --> 00:04:51,652 Get me a table. 111 00:04:51,720 --> 00:04:58,492 Or the fish gets it. 112 00:04:59,861 --> 00:05:00,894 Jesus, what's the big deal? 113 00:05:00,962 --> 00:05:06,667 That's my fish, his name's Jermaaaine! 114 00:05:06,735 --> 00:05:07,634 Oh. 115 00:05:07,702 --> 00:05:09,169 I thought he was just your food. 116 00:05:09,237 --> 00:05:10,303 Food?! 117 00:05:10,372 --> 00:05:12,439 We're not making food, people! 118 00:05:12,507 --> 00:05:13,841 We are creating cuisine! 119 00:05:13,908 --> 00:05:15,709 Food is what a dog eats! 120 00:05:15,777 --> 00:05:16,710 Or a tourist! 121 00:05:16,778 --> 00:05:18,512 Wait, a dog ate a tourist? 122 00:05:18,580 --> 00:05:19,112 What! 123 00:05:19,180 --> 00:05:21,081 That was ambiguously worded! 124 00:05:21,148 --> 00:05:22,048 Gnfgh! 125 00:05:22,116 --> 00:05:23,417 Was that ambiguous?! 126 00:05:23,485 --> 00:05:24,284 Why? 127 00:05:24,352 --> 00:05:25,986 Are you antagonizing him? 128 00:05:26,053 --> 00:05:29,556 Cyril, c'mon, it's my nature. See? 129 00:05:29,624 --> 00:05:30,891 Yeah, kinda! 130 00:05:30,958 --> 00:05:31,992 Well how about this?! 131 00:05:32,059 --> 00:05:32,726 Gnfgh! 132 00:05:32,794 --> 00:05:35,195 Plus he can't aim for shit, he's pulling everything to the right. 133 00:05:35,263 --> 00:05:37,831 And if you can't turn that into promo gold, you should honestly 134 00:05:37,899 --> 00:05:39,165 consider suicide. 135 00:05:39,233 --> 00:05:40,567 Hang on, there's a bumper. 136 00:05:40,635 --> 00:05:42,235 Now prep, you [BEEEEEP] maggots! 137 00:05:42,303 --> 00:05:44,971 And then bleep out [BEEEEEP], since Darlene won't let me say that. 138 00:05:45,039 --> 00:05:47,908 But seriously guys, we do have a lot of food to prep, so... 139 00:05:47,975 --> 00:05:51,612 Uh, the food's spalttered all over the wall and floor and... 140 00:05:51,679 --> 00:05:54,381 Chet here, so -- So scoop it into a bowl. 141 00:05:54,449 --> 00:05:57,951 Nobody'll know, it's Albanian glop, the entrée's a frickin sheep face. 142 00:05:58,019 --> 00:06:01,021 I value all cultures equally highly. 143 00:06:01,088 --> 00:06:02,989 Should you be smoking in here? 144 00:06:03,057 --> 00:06:04,758 Should you be flaming in here? 145 00:06:04,826 --> 00:06:07,428 - Ya know... - Boom! Bumper! 146 00:06:07,495 --> 00:06:10,063 He's just such a... bastard! 147 00:06:10,131 --> 00:06:11,031 Wh-? 148 00:06:11,098 --> 00:06:12,599 And that's not my name! 149 00:06:12,667 --> 00:06:13,734 Yeah, "Child-Murderer" 150 00:06:13,802 --> 00:06:18,338 shouldn't be hyphenated, that makes it seem like he's a murderer who's also a child. 151 00:06:18,406 --> 00:06:21,107 Actually no, it doesn't -- Actually yes, it does. 152 00:06:21,175 --> 00:06:25,178 "Publicity whore" isn't hyphenated, so why-- Why the shit?! 153 00:06:25,246 --> 00:06:25,813 Are you maggots! 154 00:06:25,880 --> 00:06:27,280 Not prepping?! 155 00:06:27,348 --> 00:06:29,483 I -- wait, are you doing a bumper? 156 00:06:29,551 --> 00:06:33,720 Coming up, on Bastard Chef! 157 00:06:33,788 --> 00:06:35,055 Aaaaaagh! 158 00:06:35,122 --> 00:06:37,223 Aaaaaaagh! 159 00:06:37,291 --> 00:06:39,259 I have seriously never been happier. 160 00:06:39,327 --> 00:06:41,462 Aaaaaagh! 161 00:06:41,529 --> 00:06:43,229 Boom, bumper. 162 00:06:50,554 --> 00:06:52,688 Wait, so what'd Malory say exactly? 163 00:06:52,756 --> 00:06:55,257 I -- she said "credible threat." 164 00:06:55,325 --> 00:06:58,193 I know, but what kind of credible -- Cyr -- Chet! 165 00:06:58,261 --> 00:06:59,261 I need those onions! 166 00:06:59,329 --> 00:07:00,696 Yes, chef! 167 00:07:00,764 --> 00:07:01,096 Ha! 168 00:07:01,164 --> 00:07:02,264 He has to call me chef. 169 00:07:02,332 --> 00:07:04,767 How and why are you enjoying this? 170 00:07:04,835 --> 00:07:08,303 Well for one thing I'm pretty drunk. 171 00:07:08,372 --> 00:07:11,440 And besides bartending in Polynesia, I've never had a real job, so -- 172 00:07:11,508 --> 00:07:12,608 Wait, never? 173 00:07:12,676 --> 00:07:16,712 Uh... oh, when I was ten I asked if I could sell "Grit" door to 174 00:07:16,780 --> 00:07:19,181 door, so I could win some of those x-ray specs? 175 00:07:19,249 --> 00:07:20,716 But Mother said they were fake. 176 00:07:20,784 --> 00:07:22,485 And also that I'd get raped and murdered. 177 00:07:22,552 --> 00:07:24,787 It is like peeling an onion with you. 178 00:07:24,855 --> 00:07:25,721 Right? 179 00:07:25,789 --> 00:07:26,289 Oh wait. 180 00:07:26,356 --> 00:07:26,856 Chet! 181 00:07:26,890 --> 00:07:28,858 Onions! 182 00:07:28,925 --> 00:07:29,759 Here. 183 00:07:29,826 --> 00:07:33,195 What dish are they going in? 184 00:07:33,263 --> 00:07:34,463 Oh eat a dick! 185 00:07:34,531 --> 00:07:36,365 That's eat a dick, chef! 186 00:07:36,433 --> 00:07:39,402 And for a third thing, I think I actually might be good at this. 187 00:07:39,469 --> 00:07:41,069 Okay, yeah, nice technique, Randy. 188 00:07:41,137 --> 00:07:42,170 Thank you, chef. 189 00:07:42,238 --> 00:07:43,606 Want me to prep the 'shrooms? 190 00:07:43,673 --> 00:07:45,307 No I got these, you do the aubergines. 191 00:07:45,375 --> 00:07:46,041 Right away, chef. 192 00:07:46,109 --> 00:07:50,979 If Chet gets his incompetent thumb out of his equally incompetent ass! 193 00:07:51,047 --> 00:07:53,883 Nice, yes, that is excellent A.B.B.A.B. 194 00:07:53,950 --> 00:07:55,150 Always Be Berating And Belittling. 195 00:07:55,218 --> 00:07:55,818 And you. 196 00:07:55,886 --> 00:08:02,024 Time to lean, time to get your distracting tits off my line. 197 00:08:02,091 --> 00:08:03,325 Hey, is something burning? 198 00:08:03,393 --> 00:08:06,061 Oh wait, it's you, because you just got burned. 199 00:08:06,129 --> 00:08:08,731 I -- oh my God, you admire that dick. 200 00:08:08,799 --> 00:08:10,120 He's a master chef, Lana. 201 00:08:10,166 --> 00:08:13,569 Which turns out is not nearly as gay a job as I thought it was. 202 00:08:13,637 --> 00:08:16,204 I mean it's no secret agent, but it's way above architect. 203 00:08:16,272 --> 00:08:19,608 Speaking, of secret agent, at some point before the restaurant is full 204 00:08:19,676 --> 00:08:22,945 of diplomats, I'd love to go over the-- Menu, I know, let's -- 205 00:08:23,012 --> 00:08:24,079 Plan! 206 00:08:24,147 --> 00:08:25,481 On going over the menu, yes. 207 00:08:25,549 --> 00:08:29,017 Get child murderer Gilles de Rais in here and I'll walk you through it. 208 00:08:29,085 --> 00:08:31,219 Answer the goddamn phone, woman! 209 00:08:31,287 --> 00:08:32,988 Seriously, Mitzi, how hard is that? 210 00:08:33,056 --> 00:08:34,590 Rrgh! 211 00:08:34,658 --> 00:08:36,358 Now nobody's picking up! 212 00:08:36,426 --> 00:08:38,226 A monkey could do this stupid job! 213 00:08:38,294 --> 00:08:40,028 And yet I pay you to do it. 214 00:08:40,096 --> 00:08:41,730 Oh, so now I'm a monkey?! 215 00:08:41,798 --> 00:08:45,601 No, because a monkey-- Hoo ooo ooo 216 00:08:45,669 --> 00:08:47,436 ooo eee eee eee eee! 217 00:08:47,504 --> 00:08:48,571 What is this, Spain? 218 00:08:48,638 --> 00:08:53,825 I mean, it is just constant A.B.B.A.B. 219 00:08:55,377 --> 00:08:56,912 Is that supposed to funny? 220 00:08:56,980 --> 00:08:57,613 Yes. 221 00:08:57,681 --> 00:09:00,816 And also I think you might have low blood sugar. 222 00:09:00,884 --> 00:09:04,119 And I need you to focus, so we can get Cruella de Vil's mom in there 223 00:09:04,187 --> 00:09:06,489 a damn table before she kills Jermaine! 224 00:09:06,556 --> 00:09:07,990 It's immpoossiibllle. 225 00:09:08,057 --> 00:09:10,826 And what's so important about a stupid goldfish? 226 00:09:10,894 --> 00:09:14,630 Okay A, he's not a goldfish, and B-- Please don't berate me. 227 00:09:14,698 --> 00:09:18,066 Please don't make me, and B... Tell 'em Thuy! 228 00:09:18,134 --> 00:09:19,935 Toi ca voi ban nam ngan! 229 00:09:20,003 --> 00:09:22,872 Con ca Jermaine se giet con ca cua ban! 230 00:09:22,939 --> 00:09:25,708 Jermaine, Jermaine, Jermaine! 231 00:09:25,775 --> 00:09:27,743 Anyhoo, without gettin all into the details, 232 00:09:27,811 --> 00:09:30,846 I may or may not owe fourteen thousand dollars to some people 233 00:09:30,914 --> 00:09:33,081 you wouldn't wanna owe fourteen cents. 234 00:09:33,149 --> 00:09:35,117 I so can't relate to that. 235 00:09:35,184 --> 00:09:36,051 Could you try? 236 00:09:36,119 --> 00:09:37,586 No. 237 00:09:37,654 --> 00:09:40,523 Could you pretend to try? 238 00:09:40,590 --> 00:09:41,657 Yes! 239 00:09:41,725 --> 00:09:42,625 Absolutely not. 240 00:09:42,692 --> 00:09:44,660 Absolutely yes, Chet, c'mon I need 241 00:09:44,728 --> 00:09:47,496 the tongues first, and then every bit of meat scraped off those cheeks. 242 00:09:47,564 --> 00:09:48,324 Is that all? 243 00:09:48,364 --> 00:09:50,432 You don't want the... frickin eyeballs?! 244 00:09:50,500 --> 00:09:50,866 Oh. 245 00:09:50,934 --> 00:09:53,936 - Okay, so the tongues second... - I'm not cutting out their eyeballs! 246 00:09:54,004 --> 00:09:56,104 Well not with that, use a melon baller. 247 00:09:56,172 --> 00:09:57,172 I -- Ooh! 248 00:09:57,240 --> 00:09:58,707 I'm gonna go make a big pitcher of melon balls. 249 00:09:58,775 --> 00:09:59,295 You want one? 250 00:09:59,342 --> 00:10:01,209 No I don't want a damn melon ball! 251 00:10:01,277 --> 00:10:02,310 Suit yourself. 252 00:10:02,378 --> 00:10:06,415 But trust me, you are gonna want a melon baller. 253 00:10:06,482 --> 00:10:08,450 Okay, what's the word, how we doing? 254 00:10:08,518 --> 00:10:10,485 Well I've swept the entire place for explosives, 255 00:10:10,554 --> 00:10:11,587 and it's clear. 256 00:10:11,655 --> 00:10:12,555 That's the good news. 257 00:10:12,622 --> 00:10:14,757 The bad news is, if this vague threat is gunmen, we've 258 00:10:14,824 --> 00:10:19,161 got ingress points here, here, and... You are talking about eggplants. 259 00:10:19,228 --> 00:10:21,730 No Lana, I'm talking about aubergines. 260 00:10:21,798 --> 00:10:23,566 They're the -- They're the same thing. 261 00:10:23,633 --> 00:10:24,466 Oh. 262 00:10:24,534 --> 00:10:26,301 Then where does auberge fit in? 263 00:10:26,369 --> 00:10:28,503 En nulle part, imbécile, parce qu'un auberge 264 00:10:28,572 --> 00:10:29,332 est un petit hôtel! 265 00:10:29,338 --> 00:10:30,806 Ahh, tu parles français? 266 00:10:30,874 --> 00:10:32,041 Ouai. 267 00:10:32,108 --> 00:10:34,142 Then go answer the goddamn phone! 268 00:10:35,612 --> 00:10:39,048 Okay, moment of truth, taste test. 269 00:10:39,115 --> 00:10:42,751 - Please don't B-and-or-B me too hard... - Mm! 270 00:10:42,819 --> 00:10:44,486 Not bad, Randy, not bad at all! 271 00:10:44,554 --> 00:10:45,514 Thank you, chef. 272 00:10:45,521 --> 00:10:47,155 Just needs a little kick in the ass. 273 00:10:47,223 --> 00:10:48,724 Oh, and speaking of, where is Chet? 274 00:10:48,792 --> 00:10:50,626 In the walk-in, weeping like a child. 275 00:10:55,632 --> 00:10:56,065 Nice! 276 00:10:56,132 --> 00:10:57,532 Man, you shoulda been a chef. 277 00:10:57,601 --> 00:10:59,267 Ohh... pshaw. 278 00:10:59,335 --> 00:11:00,035 I'm serious. 279 00:11:00,103 --> 00:11:02,204 I mean, maybe being a secret agent isn't your true calling. 280 00:11:02,271 --> 00:11:04,039 Yeah, my Mother says that a lot... 281 00:11:04,107 --> 00:11:06,041 Oh what, so now I suppose you're 282 00:11:06,109 --> 00:11:08,877 just going to sit there and pout?! 283 00:11:08,945 --> 00:11:11,446 Well I didn't get you into this, mister! 284 00:11:11,514 --> 00:11:15,283 You got yourself into this! 285 00:11:15,351 --> 00:11:19,054 And the clock is ticking, my friend. 286 00:11:19,122 --> 00:11:22,124 So, just so I'm clear... You want me to use this 287 00:11:22,191 --> 00:11:25,527 top-secret 934-TX telephonic isolator unit, 288 00:11:25,595 --> 00:11:27,963 for which you have neither the clearance nor 289 00:11:28,031 --> 00:11:30,699 the written permission to even gaze upon, to find all 290 00:11:30,767 --> 00:11:34,236 phone numbers associated with this physical address. 291 00:11:34,303 --> 00:11:37,106 Yeah, Gilda Gotrocks here says ritzy joints like Seize have 292 00:11:37,173 --> 00:11:39,975 reservation numbers that're strictly on the QT. 293 00:11:40,043 --> 00:11:41,576 What is this, Spain? 294 00:11:41,645 --> 00:11:42,845 I mean the Thirties? 295 00:11:42,912 --> 00:11:45,981 A flagrant violation of my sworn duty, for which my 296 00:11:46,049 --> 00:11:48,851 recompense will be, if in fact I heard you correctly... 297 00:11:48,918 --> 00:11:50,919 Yes, you in fact did, and said recompense 298 00:11:50,987 --> 00:11:52,955 will in fact be a handjob. 299 00:11:53,023 --> 00:11:53,689 No. 300 00:11:53,757 --> 00:11:54,456 From her. 301 00:11:54,524 --> 00:11:55,124 Yes! 302 00:11:55,191 --> 00:11:55,658 Wh-?! 303 00:11:55,725 --> 00:11:56,091 No! 304 00:11:56,159 --> 00:11:56,525 Yes! 305 00:11:56,592 --> 00:11:57,425 Please! 306 00:11:57,493 --> 00:11:59,995 C'mon, if I don't make good on that last fish-fight, 307 00:12:00,063 --> 00:12:03,032 you're gonna find me in a dumpster somewhere way out in Red Hook! 308 00:12:03,099 --> 00:12:06,501 Ya know, if you're ever in Red Hook snoopin around in random dumpsters. 309 00:12:06,569 --> 00:12:08,236 Great, so it's give him a handjob or 310 00:12:08,304 --> 00:12:10,172 change up my whole Sunday routine? 311 00:12:10,239 --> 00:12:11,473 Um... apparently. 312 00:12:11,541 --> 00:12:15,610 Ugh, this is so unfair. 313 00:12:15,679 --> 00:12:17,920 - Okay... - But I am not spitting in your face. 314 00:12:17,981 --> 00:12:23,585 I -- Take it or leave it. 315 00:12:23,653 --> 00:12:24,519 Mmmyello? 316 00:12:24,587 --> 00:12:25,253 See how I did that? 317 00:12:25,321 --> 00:12:27,056 Just pick up the phone and talk into it? 318 00:12:27,123 --> 00:12:29,892 I -- And how did you get this number? 319 00:12:29,959 --> 00:12:30,659 Which Kennedy. 320 00:12:30,727 --> 00:12:34,462 Because if it's Teddy he still owes me for a urinal, so -- oh. 321 00:12:34,530 --> 00:12:35,263 Oh. 322 00:12:35,331 --> 00:12:36,498 Yes, absolutely. 323 00:12:36,566 --> 00:12:39,401 Eight o'clock, table for four, thank you. 324 00:12:39,468 --> 00:12:49,978 - Thank yoooooooooooooouaaaagh... - Thank you. 325 00:12:50,046 --> 00:12:52,614 Hoo ooo ooo ooo eee eee eee eee! 326 00:12:52,682 --> 00:12:54,850 I think I'm -- Ptoo! 327 00:12:54,918 --> 00:12:56,284 in love with you. 328 00:12:57,187 --> 00:13:00,422 And yet I will die alone. 329 00:13:00,489 --> 00:13:01,690 Yeah, probably. 330 00:13:05,989 --> 00:13:08,123 Okay, listen up! 331 00:13:08,190 --> 00:13:12,327 Tonight has to go perfectly, because it is wall to wall VIP's out there. 332 00:13:12,395 --> 00:13:15,998 We've got the Albanian ambassador and all his little diplomat buddies... 333 00:13:16,065 --> 00:13:19,668 And also Little Vernie Kennedy, JFK's crazy niece or cousin or something. 334 00:13:21,571 --> 00:13:27,543 And then Teddy walks into the library wearing nothing but a whiskey sour! 335 00:13:28,611 --> 00:13:29,344 Oh, Teddy. 336 00:13:29,412 --> 00:13:30,412 Such a scamp. 337 00:13:30,479 --> 00:13:32,313 So no screw ups! 338 00:13:32,381 --> 00:13:33,214 Now get to work! 339 00:13:33,282 --> 00:13:34,683 Talking to you, Gayvid Niven! 340 00:13:34,751 --> 00:13:36,518 Oh, eat a di -- What was that? 341 00:13:36,586 --> 00:13:37,452 Yes, chef! 342 00:13:37,520 --> 00:13:38,820 Randy, ready the soup. 343 00:13:38,888 --> 00:13:41,823 I'll be out front, favoring the guest of honor with an aperitif 344 00:13:41,891 --> 00:13:43,258 and my presence. 345 00:13:43,325 --> 00:13:46,294 - And here you are, Mr. Ambassador... - I prefer to 346 00:13:46,362 --> 00:13:48,096 be called Your Excellency. 347 00:13:48,164 --> 00:13:49,531 Well, people in hell want ice water. 348 00:13:49,599 --> 00:13:50,866 Ray! 349 00:13:50,934 --> 00:13:52,400 What is your problem?! 350 00:13:52,468 --> 00:13:55,571 Besides not knowing if I should add an eighteen percent gratuity? 351 00:13:55,638 --> 00:13:58,907 Because I can, it's a party of six or more, but if they were gonna tip 352 00:13:58,975 --> 00:14:01,276 twenty percent, I just hosed myself. 353 00:14:01,343 --> 00:14:03,411 Not to mention US-Albanian relations. 354 00:14:03,479 --> 00:14:06,682 So instead of insulting the ambassador, whom we're here to protect -- 355 00:14:06,749 --> 00:14:07,950 Protect him from what? 356 00:14:08,017 --> 00:14:11,723 The only threat around here is -- Dying of thirst, apparently. 357 00:14:11,843 --> 00:14:15,045 I've been trying to get a table at Seize for months and when I finally 358 00:14:15,113 --> 00:14:20,417 do, instead of Casteau's world-famous risotto, I have to eat sheep face -- 359 00:14:20,484 --> 00:14:21,365 Wait a minute... 360 00:14:21,485 --> 00:14:22,793 -- so for God's sake, the least you can do 361 00:14:22,913 --> 00:14:24,554 is keep my wine glass full! 362 00:14:24,622 --> 00:14:26,223 Oh my God, it's you! 363 00:14:26,291 --> 00:14:27,691 You're the threat! 364 00:14:27,758 --> 00:14:30,318 You couldn't get a table so made an anonymous threat and then got 365 00:14:30,328 --> 00:14:32,595 ISIS hired to do security! 366 00:14:32,663 --> 00:14:35,232 Well that's still no excuse for poor service. 367 00:14:35,300 --> 00:14:36,433 Wow. 368 00:14:36,500 --> 00:14:37,467 Okay, you know what? 369 00:14:37,535 --> 00:14:38,768 Excuse me! 370 00:14:38,837 --> 00:14:41,404 Yes, tell them all about it. That'll do wonders 371 00:14:41,472 --> 00:14:44,100 for US-Albanian relations. 372 00:14:45,810 --> 00:14:47,144 Bon appetit! 373 00:14:47,212 --> 00:14:49,913 Hi, yeah, are you done shouting at my guests 374 00:14:49,981 --> 00:14:51,181 in barely-passable French? 375 00:14:51,249 --> 00:14:52,482 Oui. 376 00:14:52,550 --> 00:14:55,585 Then go help Mincent Price with the -- 377 00:14:56,120 --> 00:14:57,360 Eighty-six soup! 378 00:14:58,256 --> 00:15:00,958 Aww man, I'm frickin starving... 379 00:15:01,025 --> 00:15:02,792 Here ya go, gang, get in here. 380 00:15:02,861 --> 00:15:04,728 I brought a buncha crackers and jelly. 381 00:15:04,795 --> 00:15:06,830 You promised you'd stop doing that! 382 00:15:06,898 --> 00:15:14,671 They were in my tuxedo from last time! 383 00:15:14,739 --> 00:15:19,343 For the love of God, will you -- 384 00:15:19,410 --> 00:15:21,378 Kicked out in the first act. 385 00:15:21,445 --> 00:15:26,383 Well, we didn't have to fight for a cab. 386 00:15:26,450 --> 00:15:27,284 What? 387 00:15:27,352 --> 00:15:29,286 Tell Randy, as his final act before 388 00:15:29,354 --> 00:15:31,922 I walk back into the kitchen and murder him with his own shoes, to -- 389 00:15:31,990 --> 00:15:33,823 Fire the entrées! 390 00:15:33,892 --> 00:15:34,992 Rrrrgh! 391 00:15:35,059 --> 00:15:36,726 Yeah, might as well. 392 00:15:36,794 --> 00:15:40,230 Because, Randy -- except, of course, for your mother -- 393 00:15:40,298 --> 00:15:41,265 there is no threat. 394 00:15:41,332 --> 00:15:43,400 Tell that to my tavë kosi! 395 00:15:43,467 --> 00:15:46,036 The tender flesh of which I'm now ruining under 396 00:15:46,104 --> 00:15:48,372 the broiler, because I have no soup! 397 00:15:48,439 --> 00:15:48,906 Ew. 398 00:15:48,973 --> 00:15:50,073 And who's fault is that? 399 00:15:50,141 --> 00:15:53,777 The -- whatever idiot invented those slippery-ass bowls! 400 00:15:53,844 --> 00:15:57,247 Now get -- back here and mop it up, Chet! 401 00:15:57,315 --> 00:16:00,183 Chef...Eat a dick. 402 00:16:00,251 --> 00:16:01,051 A toast! 403 00:16:01,119 --> 00:16:03,553 To His Excellency, the Ambassador Extraordinary and 404 00:16:03,621 --> 00:16:05,188 Plenipotentiary of Albania! 405 00:16:05,256 --> 00:16:08,091 And to a long, peaceful, and prosperous friendship between 406 00:16:08,159 --> 00:16:10,427 his great nation and ours. 407 00:16:10,494 --> 00:16:11,061 Gezuar! 408 00:16:11,129 --> 00:16:11,962 Gezuar! 409 00:16:12,030 --> 00:16:14,998 While we sit here dying of thirst... 410 00:16:15,066 --> 00:16:17,234 Hang on, I might have a juice box in -- 411 00:16:17,302 --> 00:16:18,368 Ron?! 412 00:16:18,436 --> 00:16:19,469 Thenk you, chef. 413 00:16:19,537 --> 00:16:23,907 The dolma, the rakia... I feel I am home in Albania. 414 00:16:23,975 --> 00:16:25,875 Just wait until you try my tavë kosi. 415 00:16:25,944 --> 00:16:26,509 Oooh! 416 00:16:26,577 --> 00:16:29,446 Tavë kosi is my most fevorit! 417 00:16:29,513 --> 00:16:30,880 If you'll excuse me, I need to make 418 00:16:30,949 --> 00:16:32,615 sure my sous chef hasn't ruined it. 419 00:16:32,683 --> 00:16:33,317 It's ruined. 420 00:16:33,384 --> 00:16:34,824 No, it's actually really good. 421 00:16:34,885 --> 00:16:36,219 Cyril and/or Chet? 422 00:16:36,287 --> 00:16:38,355 No, Cyril and Chet are now vegans. 423 00:16:38,423 --> 00:16:40,357 Aww, and just when I thought I 424 00:16:40,425 --> 00:16:41,891 couldn't hate both of them more. 425 00:16:41,960 --> 00:16:43,927 Now get these entrées to the table! 426 00:16:43,995 --> 00:16:45,963 Move, maggots, everybody take a tray! 427 00:16:46,030 --> 00:16:46,663 Yes, chef! 428 00:16:46,730 --> 00:16:47,664 Right away, chef! 429 00:16:47,731 --> 00:16:48,798 Not you, Chet. 430 00:16:48,866 --> 00:16:50,667 You look like a dinosaur's tampon. 431 00:16:50,734 --> 00:16:51,368 Boom! 432 00:16:51,436 --> 00:16:52,235 Bumper! 433 00:16:52,303 --> 00:16:54,904 I am just killing it today. 434 00:16:54,973 --> 00:16:57,807 - Well finally... - Yeah, sorry, we were dealing with 435 00:16:57,875 --> 00:17:00,910 this incredibly obnoxious hoax, so... 436 00:17:00,979 --> 00:17:04,014 So can I at least assume there will be a wine pairing? 437 00:17:04,082 --> 00:17:05,215 Mmmm! 438 00:17:05,283 --> 00:17:09,987 Chef Rendy, this is the best tavë kosi I ever tested! 439 00:17:10,054 --> 00:17:13,256 I -- grk! 440 00:17:16,227 --> 00:17:17,760 Wow, you really do like it. 441 00:17:17,828 --> 00:17:19,796 Your Excellency? 442 00:17:19,864 --> 00:17:21,064 He's dead! 443 00:17:23,534 --> 00:17:25,235 Wait, no, the threat was a hoax! 444 00:17:25,303 --> 00:17:26,069 A what?! 445 00:17:26,137 --> 00:17:26,569 Lana! 446 00:17:26,637 --> 00:17:28,438 Oh my God! 447 00:17:28,506 --> 00:17:32,376 Well you can forget about ISIS working for the State Department! Ever! 448 00:17:32,443 --> 00:17:34,978 And sir, please, I'm sure this was just a terrible allergic 449 00:17:35,046 --> 00:17:36,313 reaction! 450 00:17:36,381 --> 00:17:36,946 Yes! 451 00:17:37,015 --> 00:17:37,881 To poison! 452 00:17:37,948 --> 00:17:38,348 What?! 453 00:17:38,416 --> 00:17:41,551 No, I started with the freshest ingredients, like -- 454 00:17:41,619 --> 00:17:43,020 Oh my God, the mushrooms! 455 00:17:43,087 --> 00:17:47,624 Casteau must've put poison mushrooms in the -- Pam! 456 00:17:47,691 --> 00:17:48,492 What. 457 00:17:48,559 --> 00:17:50,127 Nothing, here, have mine. 458 00:17:50,194 --> 00:17:50,894 You sure? 459 00:17:50,961 --> 00:17:51,642 Pam! 460 00:17:51,662 --> 00:17:54,631 Okay, let's get Casteau before he -- He's gone! 461 00:17:54,698 --> 00:17:55,999 And also on the phone! 462 00:17:57,368 --> 00:17:58,289 Oh Teddy! 463 00:17:58,302 --> 00:17:59,569 Ever the scamp! 464 00:17:59,637 --> 00:18:02,039 Please, let's have dessert and -- 465 00:18:02,106 --> 00:18:02,772 No time! 466 00:18:02,840 --> 00:18:05,042 We have an embassy to close! 467 00:18:05,109 --> 00:18:07,210 So that's a "no" on the wine pairing? 468 00:18:07,278 --> 00:18:09,246 Malory, a man's just been murdered. 469 00:18:09,313 --> 00:18:09,712 But how? 470 00:18:09,780 --> 00:18:10,901 I mean, we all ate a little. 471 00:18:10,915 --> 00:18:12,482 Or a lot. 472 00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:13,417 You said I could have it! 473 00:18:13,484 --> 00:18:14,751 But, if it wasn't the food... 474 00:18:14,818 --> 00:18:16,119 How the hell did he get poisoned? 475 00:18:16,187 --> 00:18:18,955 I coated his glass with cyanide, you idiots! 476 00:18:19,023 --> 00:18:19,923 For the toast! 477 00:18:19,990 --> 00:18:21,311 Ooh, there's toast? 478 00:18:21,359 --> 00:18:23,293 Give me that. But chef... why?! 479 00:18:23,361 --> 00:18:24,961 Six million bucks! 480 00:18:25,029 --> 00:18:27,497 Which I'm gonna use to deficit-finance a new show, 481 00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:29,999 where I travel, so I can insult people's cooking all over the 482 00:18:30,068 --> 00:18:30,833 globe! 483 00:18:30,901 --> 00:18:32,469 Now there's a show I'd like to -- 484 00:18:32,537 --> 00:18:35,472 wait, you won't get away with this! 485 00:18:35,540 --> 00:18:37,541 Well, you say that... 486 00:18:37,608 --> 00:18:40,677 Oh, and remember when I said you could've been a great chef? 487 00:18:40,744 --> 00:18:41,644 Yes? 488 00:18:41,712 --> 00:18:45,148 Every morning I make two cooks like you in the toilet. 489 00:18:45,216 --> 00:18:46,316 Why?! 490 00:18:46,384 --> 00:18:48,818 Why couldn't he let me have the dream?! 491 00:18:48,886 --> 00:18:50,954 Why can't you let me have some wine? 492 00:18:51,021 --> 00:18:52,655 What is this, Spain in the Thirties? 493 00:18:52,723 --> 00:18:55,392 And way, way more importantly, who would pay 494 00:18:55,460 --> 00:18:59,662 six million dollars just to make ISIS look like idiots? 495 00:18:59,730 --> 00:19:01,465 Seriously, for that much money we coulda built 496 00:19:01,532 --> 00:19:02,799 a whole new bionic man. 497 00:19:02,866 --> 00:19:04,201 Dun't tempt me, Barry. 498 00:19:04,268 --> 00:19:04,934 Boom! 499 00:19:05,002 --> 00:19:10,173 Bumper! 500 00:19:10,241 --> 00:19:15,512 Nooooooooooooooooooo! 501 00:19:15,580 --> 00:19:18,959 Wow, remind me not to piss you off. 502 00:19:19,079 --> 00:19:20,795 Remind yourself! 503 00:19:22,888 --> 00:19:24,181 Yes, dear. 504 00:19:24,301 --> 00:19:34,414 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com