1
00:00:03,654 --> 00:00:05,721
Rat Patrol!
2
00:00:05,789 --> 00:00:07,690
God, that was killing me.
3
00:00:07,757 --> 00:00:10,793
So yeah, these exact same jeeps,
only with fifty-cal machine guns
4
00:00:10,860 --> 00:00:13,929
on the back, and the Rat
Patrol just tore ass all over
5
00:00:13,997 --> 00:00:16,599
North Africa, hassling Rommel.
6
00:00:16,667 --> 00:00:17,966
How did you never see that show?
7
00:00:18,034 --> 00:00:20,636
I was probably here,
digging this goddamn jeep outta
8
00:00:20,704 --> 00:00:22,205
this goddamn sand!
9
00:00:22,272 --> 00:00:24,832
Hey don't yell at me, I'm
not the idiot who got us stuck!
10
00:00:24,874 --> 00:00:25,908
You were driving!
11
00:00:25,975 --> 00:00:29,212
So yes, you are exactly the
idiot who got us stuck!
12
00:00:29,279 --> 00:00:32,481
Well whatever, the Rat Patrol
drove through way deeper sand than this.
13
00:00:32,549 --> 00:00:33,216
Ya know...
14
00:00:33,283 --> 00:00:36,850
Although I think one guy's backstory
was that he'd been like, a bootlegger?
15
00:00:37,053 --> 00:00:40,122
But Kentucky's not all sand-duney, so--
Can you at least get out
16
00:00:40,190 --> 00:00:40,889
of the jeep?!
17
00:00:40,957 --> 00:00:41,924
Yes.
18
00:00:41,991 --> 00:00:43,192
Well?!
19
00:00:43,260 --> 00:00:44,093
Hang on?
20
00:00:45,329 --> 00:00:48,931
But only because taking a dump on
Turkmenistan is on my bucket list.
21
00:00:48,998 --> 00:00:50,633
A true citizen of the world.
22
00:00:50,701 --> 00:00:51,467
Right?
23
00:00:51,535 --> 00:00:52,602
I mean shut up?
24
00:00:52,669 --> 00:00:55,371
Is... damn.
25
00:00:55,439 --> 00:00:57,106
Okay, I guess this'll have to do.
26
00:00:57,173 --> 00:00:57,854
Noooop!
27
00:00:57,874 --> 00:00:59,007
You're not using the map for that!
28
00:00:59,075 --> 00:01:02,245
Hey, I'm not the idiot
who didn't -- I mean, I also
29
00:01:02,312 --> 00:01:04,480
didn't think to bring toilet
paper, but I'm not, ya know...
30
00:01:04,548 --> 00:01:05,381
An idiot.
31
00:01:05,449 --> 00:01:06,249
Exactly.
32
00:01:06,316 --> 00:01:09,218
Right, because an idiot wouldn't
wipe his ass with our only map.
33
00:01:09,286 --> 00:01:12,421
No, an idiot would wipe
his ass with our only compass.
34
00:01:12,489 --> 00:01:14,156
Wait, which is where?!
35
00:01:14,224 --> 00:01:16,425
Who am I, Lewis and-or Clark?
36
00:01:16,493 --> 00:01:17,126
Archer.
37
00:01:17,193 --> 00:01:19,828
Well the last time I saw
it was on the bar in the Athens
38
00:01:19,896 --> 00:01:21,731
airport, but --
God damn it!
39
00:01:21,798 --> 00:01:23,799
Yeah, I doubt it's still there.
40
00:01:24,668 --> 00:01:26,535
A sticky-fingered
people, the Greeks.
41
00:01:26,603 --> 00:01:28,137
Well you're not! Using the map!
42
00:01:28,204 --> 00:01:29,037
Okay!
43
00:01:29,105 --> 00:01:31,574
- Jesus...
Wh-?
44
00:01:31,642 --> 00:01:33,108
Noooo no no no no!
45
00:01:33,176 --> 00:01:35,411
- Well it's this or the map, so...
- Great, we'll just tell
46
00:01:35,479 --> 00:01:37,680
him his money's out in the
desert covered with shit.
47
00:01:37,748 --> 00:01:39,815
There's still
ninety-five grand in the bag!
48
00:01:39,883 --> 00:01:43,152
- And if what's-his-name...
- Gorbagun Gorbanguly.
49
00:01:43,219 --> 00:01:43,819
Really?
50
00:01:43,887 --> 00:01:44,654
Yes, really.
51
00:01:44,721 --> 00:01:45,921
And you can have a hundred.
52
00:01:45,989 --> 00:01:46,955
What?
53
00:01:47,023 --> 00:01:51,059
Cyril, since what, Monday, I've
had nothing but ouzo and lamb.
54
00:01:51,127 --> 00:01:53,095
C'mon, I need at least a thousand.
55
00:01:53,163 --> 00:01:54,003
Three hundred.
56
00:01:54,030 --> 00:01:55,598
Oh for -- eight hundred!
57
00:01:55,666 --> 00:01:56,365
Five.
58
00:01:56,433 --> 00:01:59,101
Seven!
59
00:01:59,169 --> 00:02:01,771
Seven, and you dig out the jeep.
60
00:02:01,838 --> 00:02:03,105
Okay, deal.
61
00:02:03,173 --> 00:02:04,006
But I take the map.
62
00:02:04,073 --> 00:02:05,808
No! We just went over --
To read!
63
00:02:05,875 --> 00:02:09,178
Now c'mon, hurry up!
64
00:02:09,245 --> 00:02:10,780
The lambs are screaming!
65
00:02:10,847 --> 00:02:12,848
Hey be careful,
there might be snakes!
66
00:02:12,916 --> 00:02:14,483
Not even gonna swing at that one.
67
00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:15,451
Ha ha.
68
00:02:15,519 --> 00:02:16,752
I'm talking about cobras.
69
00:02:16,820 --> 00:02:18,487
What do you know
about cobras, Cyril?
70
00:02:18,555 --> 00:02:20,723
I know the Caspian
cobra, which is indigenous to
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00:02:20,791 --> 00:02:23,826
Turkmenistan, is often light
brown with darker ventral bands.
72
00:02:23,893 --> 00:02:26,929
Well goody, you win...
cobra-knowing.
73
00:02:26,996 --> 00:02:28,831
Dukes, it's gonna be dark soon.
74
00:02:28,898 --> 00:02:29,832
How far is it?
75
00:02:29,899 --> 00:02:33,402
I dunno, I need to look
at the -- God damn it, Archer!
76
00:02:33,470 --> 00:02:36,238
What, I said I needed a thousand!
77
00:02:36,306 --> 00:02:42,277
Bet three hundred bucks seems pretty
cheap for a map right about nyowwww!
78
00:02:42,346 --> 00:02:47,883
So hey, so yeah, did you say light
brown with darker whateveral bands?
79
00:02:47,951 --> 00:02:51,887
Ventral bands, on -- wait, why?
80
00:02:51,955 --> 00:02:55,825
Eh.
Just curious.
81
00:03:18,479 --> 00:03:28,690
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
82
00:03:32,045 --> 00:03:35,313
"Curious"
meaning what, exactly?
83
00:03:35,381 --> 00:03:37,682
Uh, meaning odd or strange?
84
00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:41,053
First of all, Turkmenistan isn't--
Or how about just sexist
85
00:03:41,121 --> 00:03:42,988
and stupi --
Enough!
86
00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:47,626
Please, we've talked about this,
it's not even eight-thirty.
87
00:03:47,693 --> 00:03:51,696
Let me get settled before you clomp
in here in one of your jealous snits.
88
00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:53,832
One of my -- wait, whoa, clomp?
89
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:56,835
Yes, Lana, clomp, meaning--
I know what clomp means!
90
00:03:56,903 --> 00:03:59,037
- Your clompin' ass oughta know...
Wh-?
91
00:03:59,105 --> 00:04:01,940
Seriously, I bet your
downstairs neighbors hate you.
92
00:04:02,008 --> 00:04:03,208
For your information.
93
00:04:03,276 --> 00:04:05,811
The Flatows are always
incredibly polite to me.
94
00:04:05,879 --> 00:04:08,847
That's because the Flatows think
they live under a frickin AT-AT.
95
00:04:08,915 --> 00:04:09,681
Zhwizz-clonk!
96
00:04:09,749 --> 00:04:10,749
Zhwizz-clonk!
97
00:04:10,817 --> 00:04:13,385
Zhwizz --
Okay!
98
00:04:13,452 --> 00:04:17,089
Whereas this one, almost
impossibly light on her feet.
99
00:04:17,157 --> 00:04:20,625
It's like... if you've ever
seen Jackie Gleason dance.
100
00:04:20,693 --> 00:04:23,695
So, is that a compliment, or --
I don't see how
101
00:04:23,763 --> 00:04:24,529
it possibly could be.
102
00:04:24,597 --> 00:04:25,563
Okay.
103
00:04:25,631 --> 00:04:27,699
Nor do I see how
you could possibly think
104
00:04:27,767 --> 00:04:31,336
that you're at all suited to a
covert mission in Turkmenistan.
105
00:04:31,404 --> 00:04:33,405
Why, because I'm black,
or because I'm a woman?
106
00:04:33,472 --> 00:04:33,972
Wh-?
107
00:04:34,007 --> 00:04:34,840
Pick one!
108
00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:38,010
I mean look, I don't want
to sound racist, but --
109
00:04:38,077 --> 00:04:39,812
But you're gonna power through it.
110
00:04:39,879 --> 00:04:42,347
Not about you,
about Turkmenistan!
111
00:04:42,415 --> 00:04:46,418
Lana, this is a Central Asian,
maledominated, xenophobic
112
00:04:46,485 --> 00:04:50,122
puppet-state whose dictator
changed the words for bread and
113
00:04:50,190 --> 00:04:52,490
Friday to his dog's name.
114
00:04:52,558 --> 00:04:53,292
Gurpgork.
115
00:04:53,359 --> 00:04:56,328
Yes, Gurpgor --
how did you know that?
116
00:04:56,395 --> 00:04:58,263
Oh my God
how did I know that?!
117
00:04:58,331 --> 00:04:59,464
Okay.
118
00:04:59,532 --> 00:05:02,367
And all that crazy is
sitting on top of an ocean of
119
00:05:02,435 --> 00:05:04,536
oil and natural gas.
120
00:05:04,603 --> 00:05:07,539
Making this pipeline crucial
to the Russians, which is why
121
00:05:07,606 --> 00:05:11,609
we're paying Gurbanguly to...
hinder construction.
122
00:05:11,677 --> 00:05:15,047
Wh-? Wait, so now we're paying
people to blow up oil pipelines?!
123
00:05:15,114 --> 00:05:17,615
See? Another
reason I didn't send you.
124
00:05:17,683 --> 00:05:19,084
What, the environment?!
125
00:05:19,152 --> 00:05:20,685
Of what, this litterbox?
126
00:05:20,753 --> 00:05:22,020
Or Western Europe?
127
00:05:22,088 --> 00:05:25,891
Because T-72 tanks aren't exactly
known for their low emissions.
128
00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:29,161
I want it officially
on record that I am strongly
129
00:05:29,229 --> 00:05:33,031
opposed to this mission.
130
00:05:33,099 --> 00:05:33,900
What record?
131
00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:36,634
Aww, can I at least put
something in the newsletter?
132
00:05:36,702 --> 00:05:38,003
Wh-?
133
00:05:38,071 --> 00:05:39,738
You're not still doing that?!
134
00:05:39,805 --> 00:05:40,438
No?
135
00:05:40,506 --> 00:05:41,139
Yes!
136
00:05:41,207 --> 00:05:41,740
No!
137
00:05:41,807 --> 00:05:42,540
Please!
138
00:05:42,608 --> 00:05:46,678
Just pretend I'm -- who's your
go-to movie star, ya know, for --
139
00:05:46,746 --> 00:05:48,113
Lorne Greene.
140
00:05:48,181 --> 00:05:49,414
- Wow.
- Yeah.
141
00:05:49,482 --> 00:05:51,216
Bonanza or Battlestar?
142
00:05:51,284 --> 00:05:52,251
Duh.
143
00:05:52,318 --> 00:05:55,053
So, I come to the Ponderosa
looking for ranch work, but my
144
00:05:55,121 --> 00:05:58,823
chaps get torn and Hop Sing --
Ray?
145
00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:00,359
Time's kind of a factor here.
146
00:06:00,426 --> 00:06:02,060
I am not. Ever.
147
00:06:02,128 --> 00:06:03,762
Sucking your taint.
148
00:06:03,829 --> 00:06:07,165
Okay, so Cyril...
Better chapstick it up, buddy.
149
00:06:07,233 --> 00:06:09,434
First of all, not only
does sucking out the venom not
150
00:06:09,502 --> 00:06:11,703
help the snakebite victim,
it can also envenom the --
151
00:06:11,771 --> 00:06:14,572
Taint-sucker,
that's you, let's go.
152
00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:16,508
And second of all, the
venom's not there anymore, it's
153
00:06:16,575 --> 00:06:18,710
pumping through your veins
to your heart and brain.
154
00:06:18,778 --> 00:06:20,545
My -- well put
a tourniquet on me!
155
00:06:20,613 --> 00:06:22,915
You can't tourniquet the taint.
156
00:06:22,982 --> 00:06:24,849
But -- wait is
my dick gonna be okay?!
157
00:06:24,918 --> 00:06:27,819
Well the danger there is cytotoxins,
which can cause severe necrosis.
158
00:06:27,887 --> 00:06:29,754
Nec -- so my
dick's gonna fall off?!
159
00:06:29,822 --> 00:06:30,722
Maybe.
160
00:06:30,790 --> 00:06:31,456
Aaagh!
161
00:06:31,524 --> 00:06:33,458
But the bigger danger
is the neuro and cardiotoxins,
162
00:06:33,526 --> 00:06:36,161
which can cause respiratory
failure, cardiac arrest --
163
00:06:36,229 --> 00:06:40,432
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!
164
00:06:40,499 --> 00:06:44,502
So the most important
thing is for you to stay calm.
165
00:06:44,570 --> 00:06:45,703
Ew.
166
00:06:45,771 --> 00:06:48,440
- Oh boy...
- What, that's good right?
167
00:06:48,507 --> 00:06:50,142
If my body's throwing up the poison?
168
00:06:50,209 --> 00:06:51,143
It might be.
169
00:06:51,210 --> 00:06:52,510
If you had drunk it.
170
00:06:52,578 --> 00:06:56,614
Jesus H. Thirst, speaking of...
Ray, back pocket down there, flask.
171
00:06:56,682 --> 00:06:57,249
Wh-?
172
00:06:57,317 --> 00:06:58,750
No, alcohol's a vasodilator!
173
00:06:58,818 --> 00:07:02,421
It's the absolute worst possible
thing you can do for a snakebite!
174
00:07:02,488 --> 00:07:03,621
Well maybe for regular people.
175
00:07:04,357 --> 00:07:06,291
Cyril, it's already full
of cobra venom, now's not the
176
00:07:06,359 --> 00:07:09,794
time for any more chemical
changes to my blood!
177
00:07:09,862 --> 00:07:11,863
Okay, give it to him.
178
00:07:11,931 --> 00:07:14,666
Wh-? Gimme that!
179
00:07:14,733 --> 00:07:16,101
Here, baby.
180
00:07:16,169 --> 00:07:17,202
It's half empty!
181
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:24,409
That's still way more than you--
Just shut up and -- Dig.
182
00:07:24,477 --> 00:07:26,111
I'm not doing super great.
183
00:07:26,179 --> 00:07:27,540
Well I could use some help!
184
00:07:27,546 --> 00:07:29,581
I would, but I
can't feel my hands.
185
00:07:29,648 --> 00:07:30,582
I meant Ray!
186
00:07:30,649 --> 00:07:34,186
Who's just standing there...
Ray, dammit, on bionic legs!
187
00:07:34,253 --> 00:07:35,013
Oh right.
188
00:07:35,054 --> 00:07:36,154
God damn it, Ray!
189
00:07:36,222 --> 00:07:37,089
I forgot!
190
00:07:37,156 --> 00:07:39,224
How do you forget
you have bionic legs?!
191
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:43,028
I, ya know, are you constantly
aware you have regular leg bones?!
192
00:07:43,096 --> 00:07:45,176
No, you're --
Just pick up the goddamn jeep!
193
00:07:45,231 --> 00:07:47,899
He said, suddenly all...
pro-bionic.
194
00:07:47,967 --> 00:07:49,468
Okay, on three.
195
00:07:49,535 --> 00:07:53,671
One, two, threeaagh!
196
00:07:53,739 --> 00:07:54,373
Ray?
197
00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:55,640
What is that,
what're you doing?!
198
00:07:55,708 --> 00:07:58,776
- My back my back my back my back...
- Are you shitting me?!
199
00:07:58,844 --> 00:08:03,915
Bionic legs, and you
lifted with your back?!
200
00:08:03,983 --> 00:08:06,851
Cyril, my gun's in the gear bag,
could you hand it to me, please?
201
00:08:06,919 --> 00:08:08,853
To... use as a signal?
202
00:08:08,921 --> 00:08:10,122
Yeah, maybe.
203
00:08:10,189 --> 00:08:12,824
If there's any bullets left
after I murder both of you.
204
00:08:12,892 --> 00:08:13,392
Wh-?
205
00:08:13,393 --> 00:08:14,393
Why me?!
206
00:08:14,460 --> 00:08:17,162
It's number two
on my bucket list.
207
00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:18,130
What's number one?
208
00:08:18,197 --> 00:08:20,098
Going to one of those
things where they make some
209
00:08:20,166 --> 00:08:25,799
record-breakingly huge kind of food, like
a frittata the size of a hockey rink.
210
00:08:27,034 --> 00:08:31,192
And then eating a piece, and then
laughing, because I murdered you.
211
00:08:33,966 --> 00:08:37,969
Krieger, I need you
to -- Krieger, Krieger?
212
00:08:38,037 --> 00:08:39,571
Yep! Yep yep yep!
213
00:08:39,639 --> 00:08:43,041
Whatever unspeakable thing
you're doing back there can wait --
214
00:08:43,108 --> 00:08:45,109
- Well, you say that...
- Yes I do, and I just
215
00:08:45,178 --> 00:08:48,580
did, so come on, I need
you in the control room.
216
00:08:48,648 --> 00:08:50,515
Because they should
have checked in by now.
217
00:08:50,583 --> 00:08:52,884
So keep trying to reach them
on the sat-phone, and if that
218
00:08:52,951 --> 00:08:56,988
doesn't work try to get satellite
photos on the next pass.
219
00:08:57,056 --> 00:09:02,093
And not a word of this to
anyone, especially -- Lanaaa!
220
00:09:02,161 --> 00:09:04,829
I thought I heard
self-righteous clomping.
221
00:09:04,897 --> 00:09:05,797
Can I help you?
222
00:09:05,864 --> 00:09:08,166
Funny, I was just
gonna ask you that.
223
00:09:08,234 --> 00:09:09,401
No, we're fine.
224
00:09:09,468 --> 00:09:10,802
Aren't we, Krieger?
225
00:09:10,869 --> 00:09:11,703
Yes?
226
00:09:11,770 --> 00:09:13,672
So, the mission?
227
00:09:13,739 --> 00:09:14,706
Going as planned?
228
00:09:14,773 --> 00:09:18,042
Yes, as a matter of fact
they just this minute checked in.
229
00:09:18,110 --> 00:09:19,444
All good.
230
00:09:19,512 --> 00:09:21,979
Uh-huh.
231
00:09:22,047 --> 00:09:23,014
"Uh-huh."
232
00:09:23,082 --> 00:09:28,186
Ugh, have you ever heard such
a superior, know-it-all tone?
233
00:09:28,254 --> 00:09:29,987
Oh, you're serious?
234
00:09:30,055 --> 00:09:30,855
Yes!
235
00:09:30,923 --> 00:09:31,856
- No!
- Cyril!
236
00:09:31,924 --> 00:09:37,128
I can't move, Archer's... Oh.
Well, very nearly dead, so --
237
00:09:37,196 --> 00:09:38,963
I'm not calling for an extraction!
238
00:09:39,031 --> 00:09:41,266
Look, just because
Lana makes you feel insecure in
239
00:09:41,334 --> 00:09:43,901
your masculinity --
Mascu -- look who's talking!
240
00:09:43,969 --> 00:09:47,672
Oh for -- Cyril, when I
was ten years old I killed a bear.
241
00:09:47,740 --> 00:09:49,541
Nuh-uh... really?
242
00:09:49,609 --> 00:09:50,842
With a bow.
243
00:09:50,909 --> 00:09:53,745
And then Daddy made me take a
big ol' bite out of its heart.
244
00:09:53,812 --> 00:09:55,012
Oh my God!
245
00:09:55,080 --> 00:09:56,615
That is... horrible!
246
00:09:56,682 --> 00:09:59,183
No shit, I was
bawling my eyes out.
247
00:09:59,252 --> 00:10:01,586
But he kept slapping me until I did it.
248
00:10:01,654 --> 00:10:04,088
- Jesus...
- Seriously.
249
00:10:04,156 --> 00:10:05,790
No wonder you're gay.
250
00:10:05,858 --> 00:10:10,094
And Cyril if you call ISIS, I will
literally literally, murder you alright.
251
00:10:10,162 --> 00:10:16,000
I'd rather die than sit through another
one of Lana's big "I told you so's."
252
00:10:16,068 --> 00:10:17,228
At least you get to bang her.
253
00:10:17,236 --> 00:10:18,903
Well, you seem
to be feeling better.
254
00:10:18,971 --> 00:10:20,171
Hang on.
255
00:10:20,239 --> 00:10:26,978
Gay-vy Crockett, boom, nailed it.
256
00:10:27,045 --> 00:10:28,813
But no, I'm pretty sure I'm dying.
257
00:10:28,881 --> 00:10:31,483
So since you're too pussy
to call for an extraction...
258
00:10:31,550 --> 00:10:32,850
I'm digging, I'm digging!
259
00:10:32,918 --> 00:10:33,918
Well wait, hang on.
260
00:10:33,986 --> 00:10:37,322
Because unless I'm hallucinating...
There's a Landcruiser over there
261
00:10:37,390 --> 00:10:40,057
flipping his highbeams at us.
262
00:10:40,125 --> 00:10:41,826
You're hallucinating.
263
00:10:41,894 --> 00:10:42,594
Oh.
264
00:10:42,662 --> 00:10:46,765
Well the good news is, we don't have
to worry about these alligators.
265
00:10:46,832 --> 00:10:49,100
That's not actually good news, is it.
266
00:10:49,168 --> 00:10:49,867
No.
267
00:10:49,935 --> 00:10:52,203
No it is not.
268
00:10:52,271 --> 00:10:55,307
Okay... later, gator!
269
00:10:58,711 --> 00:11:02,514
No no no no no,
what is the meaning of this?!
270
00:11:02,581 --> 00:11:04,215
I'm sorry, James Mason!
271
00:11:04,283 --> 00:11:06,751
But he just won't stop
tooting that darn tooter!
272
00:11:06,819 --> 00:11:09,987
Mr. Archer, I'm
afraid I must ask you to cease
273
00:11:10,055 --> 00:11:14,359
your insufferable tooting--
This instant.
274
00:11:14,427 --> 00:11:15,293
Fine by me.
275
00:11:15,361 --> 00:11:16,361
I hate opera.
276
00:11:16,429 --> 00:11:19,364
Almost as much as I hate hoodies,
what the hell's going on here?
277
00:11:19,432 --> 00:11:21,666
Oh no, not hell,
Mr. Archer, this is --
278
00:11:21,734 --> 00:11:23,368
Hey. Cut-rate James Mason.
279
00:11:23,436 --> 00:11:25,737
I got kicked out of
Episcopal prep school.
280
00:11:25,805 --> 00:11:26,404
Twice.
281
00:11:26,472 --> 00:11:30,442
So if there is a heaven --
Oh, I'm sorry, nor is this heaven.
282
00:11:30,509 --> 00:11:33,478
Well no, obviously it's not heaven --
No, it's a --
283
00:11:33,546 --> 00:11:36,147
-- because Janis Joplin's
not giving me a rim job.
284
00:11:36,215 --> 00:11:38,282
Way station,
I beg your pardon?
285
00:11:38,351 --> 00:11:39,818
Right?
286
00:11:39,885 --> 00:11:42,186
Sorry, a cobra bit my taint.
287
00:11:42,254 --> 00:11:43,855
- Yes.
- I'm not myself.
288
00:11:43,856 --> 00:11:44,956
Aren't you?
289
00:11:45,023 --> 00:11:45,990
Are I?
290
00:11:46,058 --> 00:11:47,759
Are you, indeed.
291
00:11:47,827 --> 00:11:51,730
Would you like to know who
Sterling Archer really is?
292
00:11:51,797 --> 00:11:52,897
No?
293
00:11:52,965 --> 00:11:53,865
Why not?
294
00:11:53,932 --> 00:11:57,369
Why won't you guys stand up to Malory
with me about blowing up the pipeline?
295
00:11:57,436 --> 00:12:00,472
Mmmmmmmmmmmcuz we don't give a shit?
296
00:12:00,539 --> 00:12:01,906
About the earth?!
297
00:12:01,974 --> 00:12:04,676
Oh please, if you
really cared you'd resign, but
298
00:12:04,744 --> 00:12:07,412
there's no way you ever will
because you're just counting
299
00:12:07,480 --> 00:12:11,115
the days until, her face bloated
and yellow from liver failure,
300
00:12:11,183 --> 00:12:14,051
she calls you to her deathbed
and, in a croaky whisper,
301
00:12:14,119 --> 00:12:16,488
explains that Mr. Archer is
totally incompetent and that
302
00:12:16,555 --> 00:12:18,790
you, the long-suffering
Lana Kane, are the only one
303
00:12:18,858 --> 00:12:21,626
qualified to run ISIS, and you
weep shameful tears, because
304
00:12:21,694 --> 00:12:28,232
you know this terrible place is the
only true love you will ever know.
305
00:12:28,300 --> 00:12:30,234
Excuse me.
306
00:12:30,302 --> 00:12:32,804
- Daaamn...
- What?
307
00:12:32,872 --> 00:12:36,708
Oh my God, was I talking?
308
00:12:36,776 --> 00:12:39,911
Who the... hell is he...
talking to?
309
00:12:39,978 --> 00:12:42,547
- James Mason...
- Oh.
310
00:12:42,615 --> 00:12:43,882
Maybe that's his Lorne Greene.
311
00:12:43,949 --> 00:12:47,619
James Mason, why
are we in Baltimore?!
312
00:12:47,686 --> 00:12:49,821
I thought you might
like some insight into how you
313
00:12:49,889 --> 00:12:51,389
became the man you are.
314
00:12:51,457 --> 00:12:52,457
No, I would absolutely
315
00:12:52,525 --> 00:12:53,090
not like some --
316
00:12:53,158 --> 00:12:54,325
Sterling Archer,
age eighteen..
317
00:12:54,393 --> 00:12:58,730
The most recruited
prep school lacrosse player in America...
318
00:12:58,798 --> 00:13:02,901
Visiting
Baltimore for the weekend, to decide if
319
00:13:02,968 --> 00:13:06,270
he will accept a full athletic
scholarship to Johns Hopkins.
320
00:13:06,338 --> 00:13:08,306
Whooooo!
321
00:13:08,373 --> 00:13:11,142
- Yeah, so we don't need to see how...
- At a stop on the
322
00:13:11,209 --> 00:13:14,145
train ride from New York you
struck out the major league
323
00:13:14,212 --> 00:13:17,482
homerun champion, Slammer Sloan.
324
00:13:17,550 --> 00:13:19,417
Whooooo!
325
00:13:19,485 --> 00:13:23,287
Well obviously, I was awesome, but I--
Drew the attention
326
00:13:23,355 --> 00:13:28,460
of a beautiful woman named
Ruth Ann Litzenberger... Qui était, vraiment,
327
00:13:28,527 --> 00:13:30,361
une femme fatale.
328
00:13:30,429 --> 00:13:34,298
And who followed you here, to
this very hotel in Baltimore,
329
00:13:34,366 --> 00:13:39,370
- and sent you a note, to come to her room...
- Look, seriously -- Woooooo!
330
00:13:39,438 --> 00:13:43,307
Wait, how did you know I was
staying -- What's going on here?
331
00:13:43,375 --> 00:13:45,009
Sterling?
332
00:13:45,077 --> 00:13:49,280
Will you be the best there
ever was in the game?
333
00:13:49,348 --> 00:13:50,147
Wh-?!
334
00:13:50,215 --> 00:13:51,536
- Uh...
- Noooo!
335
00:13:51,550 --> 00:13:52,684
Duh.
336
00:14:00,559 --> 00:14:05,797
Yeah, sooo... I don't know if
you're deaf or just an asshole or both,
337
00:14:05,865 --> 00:14:08,566
but I'm pretty sure I said
I didn't wanna see this.
338
00:14:08,634 --> 00:14:11,302
But Sterling, do
you not see how the actions of
339
00:14:11,370 --> 00:14:15,406
a deeply disturbed woman have
profoundly influenced your life?
340
00:14:15,474 --> 00:14:16,608
Well obviously!
341
00:14:16,675 --> 00:14:20,678
I mean -- Oh, you mean my lacrosse
career ending because a crazy stalker
342
00:14:20,746 --> 00:14:21,980
gut-shot me.
343
00:14:22,047 --> 00:14:23,047
Do I?
344
00:14:23,115 --> 00:14:25,817
I don't know, James Mason!
Do you?!
345
00:14:25,885 --> 00:14:28,486
Besides, what freakin' movie is this?
346
00:14:28,554 --> 00:14:30,922
What's next, Mr. Gower slaps me deaf?!
347
00:14:30,990 --> 00:14:32,757
C'mon, you're all over the road here!
348
00:14:32,825 --> 00:14:33,224
Well?!
349
00:14:33,291 --> 00:14:34,392
Well what?!
350
00:14:34,459 --> 00:14:35,739
I'm doing the best I can!
351
00:14:35,794 --> 00:14:38,329
If that's the
best you can do -- gaagh!
352
00:14:38,397 --> 00:14:39,230
Just kill your -- gaagh!
353
00:14:39,297 --> 00:14:41,533
Wh-?
354
00:14:41,600 --> 00:14:43,001
Are you bouncing on purpose?!
355
00:14:43,068 --> 00:14:46,004
No, I'm trying to get
Archer to whatever passes for a
356
00:14:46,071 --> 00:14:48,172
doctor around here before it's too late!
357
00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:50,808
Sounds like a plan, James Mason.
358
00:14:50,876 --> 00:14:55,279
And maybe if you shut up I can
concentrate on the rowaaaghhhhh!
359
00:14:55,347 --> 00:14:56,548
Gaagh!
360
00:14:56,615 --> 00:14:58,282
What the shit was that?!
361
00:14:58,350 --> 00:14:59,617
A camel.
362
00:14:59,685 --> 00:15:02,219
Well great, now we've
both killed a large animal!
363
00:15:02,287 --> 00:15:03,387
Drive around it!
364
00:15:03,455 --> 00:15:07,025
I, uh... don't
think that's an option.
365
00:15:10,930 --> 00:15:16,701
Hey check it out, Fred and Barney,
we're at the Water Buffalo Lodge!
366
00:15:19,499 --> 00:15:21,434
Krieger, any word from Sterling?
367
00:15:21,501 --> 00:15:22,035
Yep!
368
00:15:22,103 --> 00:15:23,169
Yep yep yep!
369
00:15:23,237 --> 00:15:24,604
Well?
What did they say?
370
00:15:24,671 --> 00:15:26,806
Oh.
I mean nope. Nope nope nope.
371
00:15:27,507 --> 00:15:30,176
But, ya know,
I'm sure they're fine.
372
00:15:30,244 --> 00:15:31,244
Wait, no!
373
00:15:31,311 --> 00:15:32,445
I had the right of way!
374
00:15:32,512 --> 00:15:33,246
Gaagh!
375
00:15:33,313 --> 00:15:35,715
Seriously, I get that
you're upset but I think I have
376
00:15:35,783 --> 00:15:38,852
a pinched nnngghhh!
377
00:15:38,919 --> 00:15:39,753
Gaaagh!
378
00:15:39,820 --> 00:15:41,054
Now just a darn minute!
379
00:15:41,122 --> 00:15:46,025
- We're Americ -- Hello...
- Yeah.
380
00:15:46,093 --> 00:15:47,493
Way to not call it in.
381
00:15:47,561 --> 00:15:48,628
I beg your pardon?
382
00:15:48,695 --> 00:15:49,796
Yeah, you should.
383
00:15:49,864 --> 00:15:51,097
And I'm outta here.
384
00:15:51,165 --> 00:15:52,932
I'm afraid
that isn't possible.
385
00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:53,767
Oh really?
386
00:15:53,834 --> 00:15:55,301
And why is --
Comin through!
387
00:15:55,369 --> 00:15:56,236
C'mon, make a hole!
388
00:15:56,303 --> 00:15:57,737
Phrasing, boom.
389
00:15:57,805 --> 00:15:58,905
Boom.
390
00:15:58,973 --> 00:16:00,907
Scholarship to Johns Hopkins.
391
00:16:00,975 --> 00:16:01,656
Mmm.
392
00:16:01,708 --> 00:16:06,746
Bit of a moot point though,
really, given your SAT scores.
393
00:16:06,814 --> 00:16:07,974
Goodbye, James Mason.
394
00:16:07,982 --> 00:16:10,383
No, you -- Mr. Archer, wait!
395
00:16:10,450 --> 00:16:11,251
Please, here!
396
00:16:11,252 --> 00:16:15,789
Here's forty-three hundred dollars,
surely that's enough for a camel.
397
00:16:15,856 --> 00:16:19,092
Ah, baksheesh!
398
00:16:19,160 --> 00:16:23,696
Baksheesh, exactly, but our friend...
okay, snake is...
399
00:16:23,764 --> 00:16:29,635
oh, okay, so "Our friend was bitten
by a snake" is... Ozum jora?
400
00:16:29,703 --> 00:16:32,939
Bishlemek gurpgork?
401
00:16:33,007 --> 00:16:36,475
Etmek bishlemek gurpgork.
402
00:16:36,543 --> 00:16:37,043
Wh-?
403
00:16:37,077 --> 00:16:38,544
No, no!
404
00:16:38,612 --> 00:16:40,313
I mean... Yok,yok.
405
00:16:40,380 --> 00:16:41,681
No, no!
406
00:16:41,748 --> 00:16:43,349
Mr. Archer, please!
407
00:16:43,417 --> 00:16:45,651
You please, cut-rate James Mason!
408
00:16:45,719 --> 00:16:50,456
- And then shut up, because I'm going...
- Home.
409
00:16:50,524 --> 00:16:52,158
Goddammit.
410
00:16:52,226 --> 00:16:53,592
Or... what is it?
411
00:16:53,660 --> 00:16:54,694
Gurpgork!
412
00:16:54,761 --> 00:16:55,728
Ah!
413
00:16:55,796 --> 00:16:57,997
Gowushmak eshek gurpgork!
414
00:16:58,065 --> 00:16:58,397
Wh-?
415
00:16:58,465 --> 00:16:58,965
No!
416
00:16:58,966 --> 00:16:59,632
Yok!
417
00:16:59,700 --> 00:17:02,268
Not that Gurpgork!
418
00:17:02,336 --> 00:17:04,370
Rawr, rawr!
419
00:17:04,438 --> 00:17:05,438
Ah, Gurpgork!
420
00:17:05,505 --> 00:17:07,173
Patysha alabai!
421
00:17:07,241 --> 00:17:09,606
Ah, Gurpgork!
Hawa hawa! Gurpgork!
422
00:17:09,810 --> 00:17:11,344
Gurpgork.
423
00:17:11,411 --> 00:17:13,891
How's it the same word
for bread and snake and Friday
424
00:17:13,948 --> 00:17:15,114
and that damn dog?!
425
00:17:15,182 --> 00:17:16,850
How the hell should I know?!
426
00:17:16,917 --> 00:17:20,686
Because you have an entire satellite
array at your disposal, you idiot!
427
00:17:20,754 --> 00:17:23,256
Yeah, I don't actually
know how any of this works.
428
00:17:23,324 --> 00:17:25,758
But --
That was the fat guy, you killed.
429
00:17:25,826 --> 00:17:27,994
Oh, and just so you know?
430
00:17:28,062 --> 00:17:34,968
I do know what true love is, so... yeah.
431
00:17:35,035 --> 00:17:37,536
What in God's
name was that about?
432
00:17:37,604 --> 00:17:41,074
She'd probably ruin the wedding.
433
00:17:41,141 --> 00:17:42,976
Come on, what the hell is this?
434
00:17:43,043 --> 00:17:44,744
I thought you'd
like to see something.
435
00:17:44,811 --> 00:17:48,714
I've seen poverty, I've been to...
oh, how's it going in Turkmenistan?
436
00:17:48,782 --> 00:17:50,649
Mmmmm, not great.
437
00:17:50,717 --> 00:17:52,018
TURKMENI
438
00:17:52,086 --> 00:17:53,920
Cyril, just draw a snake!
439
00:17:53,988 --> 00:17:54,720
Oh right.
440
00:17:54,788 --> 00:17:59,192
Okay, uh... doo doo doo...
elliptical head, oblique dorsal
441
00:17:59,260 --> 00:18:04,931
scales, symmetric sub-caudal scalation,
darker ventral bands, obviously...
442
00:18:04,999 --> 00:18:10,803
okay, here we go.
443
00:18:10,871 --> 00:18:11,570
Wh-?
444
00:18:11,638 --> 00:18:13,039
What is wrong with you people?!
445
00:18:13,107 --> 00:18:17,543
What's wrong with you?
Gimme that!
446
00:18:17,611 --> 00:18:18,978
Here! Tada. A Snake!
447
00:18:19,046 --> 00:18:21,047
- Oh that's crap...
- TURKMENI
448
00:18:21,115 --> 00:18:23,616
Gurpgork?!
Dishlemek gurpgork?!
449
00:18:23,683 --> 00:18:27,620
I -- wanna say duh, but...
- What's the point?
450
00:18:27,687 --> 00:18:31,357
C'mon, this is stupid, I don't
need to see this, I remember all of it.
451
00:18:31,425 --> 00:18:33,359
Do you?
452
00:18:33,427 --> 00:18:38,031
- Yeah...
- Yeah I mean, that's me, I'm like... Six.
453
00:18:38,098 --> 00:18:40,466
I'm six today, it's my birthday.
454
00:18:40,534 --> 00:18:42,414
And your
Mother isn't home, is she?
455
00:18:42,436 --> 00:18:45,905
No, she had to -- look,
Guatemala's democratically
456
00:18:45,973 --> 00:18:48,574
elected government wasn't
gonna overthrow itself.
457
00:18:48,642 --> 00:18:49,342
Mmm.
458
00:18:49,410 --> 00:18:50,443
And with Woodhouse, shall we
459
00:18:50,510 --> 00:18:52,211
say, indisposed...
460
00:18:55,115 --> 00:18:57,550
There was no one
to give you a birthday present.
461
00:18:57,617 --> 00:19:02,121
- I... wait, no, yeah, I got...
- Derman!
462
00:19:02,189 --> 00:19:03,923
Derman gurpgork!
463
00:19:03,991 --> 00:19:06,559
Derman gurpgork etmek!
464
00:19:06,626 --> 00:19:08,527
No, I don't think
he can keep bread down...
465
00:19:08,595 --> 00:19:11,564
No, I think it's--
Derman is medicine!
466
00:19:11,631 --> 00:19:13,132
Derman gurpgork!
467
00:19:13,200 --> 00:19:14,867
I think it's antivenom! Gimme!
468
00:19:14,935 --> 00:19:15,895
Yok, yok!
469
00:19:15,936 --> 00:19:17,837
Kop kop kop baksheesh.
470
00:19:17,904 --> 00:19:19,772
Oh.
471
00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:22,108
He wants a lot lot lot of money.
472
00:19:22,176 --> 00:19:22,942
So?
473
00:19:23,010 --> 00:19:24,777
We've got ninety-five grand!
474
00:19:24,845 --> 00:19:26,745
But that's for the mission, to --
Blow up a
475
00:19:26,813 --> 00:19:28,314
frickin oil pipeline?
476
00:19:28,382 --> 00:19:29,582
Wait, really?
477
00:19:29,649 --> 00:19:33,019
Cyril, what did you think
she meant by "hinder construction?"
478
00:19:33,087 --> 00:19:35,754
Oh.
479
00:19:35,822 --> 00:19:38,691
Do you ever think maybe we're
kinda not always a hundred
480
00:19:38,758 --> 00:19:41,094
percent of the time
doing the right thing?
481
00:19:41,161 --> 00:19:43,201
Do you ever shut
up and give that man-bear
482
00:19:43,263 --> 00:19:48,134
twenty-five grand so you and I
can split the other seventy?
483
00:19:48,202 --> 00:19:50,636
Yes, yes I do.
484
00:19:50,704 --> 00:19:54,874
I got a... yeah,
I got an alligator!
485
00:19:56,010 --> 00:19:57,076
Hello, Sterling.
486
00:19:57,144 --> 00:19:59,479
Your mother doesn't
know I'm here, but I wanted to
487
00:19:59,546 --> 00:20:01,414
bring you a birthday present.
488
00:20:01,482 --> 00:20:03,082
I hope you like alligators.
489
00:20:03,150 --> 00:20:05,371
- I do...
- I did...
490
00:20:05,491 --> 00:20:06,926
Thank you, sir.
491
00:20:07,388 --> 00:20:08,821
But... who are you?
492
00:20:08,889 --> 00:20:12,225
Sterling, I...
am your real father.
493
00:20:16,730 --> 00:20:17,196
Archer?
494
00:20:17,264 --> 00:20:18,331
Buck Henry?
495
00:20:18,399 --> 00:20:20,886
Oh my God, Cyril! Ray! I know --
You're okay!
496
00:20:21,006 --> 00:20:22,822
Hey, we gave you the antivenom.
497
00:20:22,942 --> 00:20:24,264
Cyril, shut your dickhole.
498
00:20:24,384 --> 00:20:25,242
Jesus, God.
499
00:20:25,362 --> 00:20:27,267
I know who my real father was.
500
00:20:27,487 --> 00:20:28,795
Well? Who was he?
501
00:20:28,915 --> 00:20:32,177
He...was...ugh...
502
00:20:33,806 --> 00:20:35,350
Now it's gone.
503
00:20:36,756 --> 00:20:37,744
God dammit.
504
00:20:38,233 --> 00:20:48,830
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com