1 00:00:02,035 --> 00:00:03,548 Oh, God. 2 00:00:03,668 --> 00:00:07,337 Ugh, no, forget the glass, Woodhouse, just gimme the pitcher... 3 00:00:07,689 --> 00:00:10,528 For I am a sinner in the hands of an angry God. 4 00:00:10,530 --> 00:00:14,142 Bloody Mary, full of vodka, blessed are you among cocktails... 5 00:00:14,144 --> 00:00:20,123 Pray for me, now and at the hour of my death, which I hope is soon, amen. 6 00:00:20,125 --> 00:00:26,806 - Er, perhaps a coddled egg... - No. No eggs, Woodhouse. 7 00:00:26,808 --> 00:00:28,076 Maybe ever again. 8 00:00:28,078 --> 00:00:29,545 Some dry toast? 9 00:00:29,547 --> 00:00:31,846 Yeah, or you could skip a step and just feed me some vomit. 10 00:00:31,848 --> 00:00:34,652 Not like you to get a hangover, sir. 11 00:00:34,654 --> 00:00:36,153 Yeah, I don't know what happened. 12 00:00:36,155 --> 00:00:41,959 - I kinda remember being at the wake... - Oh, you poor dear. 13 00:00:41,961 --> 00:00:45,563 On behalf of his fellow ISIS agents, please let me be the first to 14 00:00:45,565 --> 00:00:47,330 offer my condolences. 15 00:00:47,332 --> 00:00:52,368 And let me be the first to welcome you back into the dating pool. 16 00:00:52,370 --> 00:00:55,638 And-or-also my new, hic, hot tub. 17 00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:57,775 But after that it's just... snippets. 18 00:00:57,777 --> 00:01:01,913 - I think I had one more drink there... - Drink, drink, drink, drink! 19 00:01:01,915 --> 00:01:07,753 And then I think I took a cab... Hang on, wait, lemme see some hands! 20 00:01:07,755 --> 00:01:11,056 Who wants chicken and waffles?! 21 00:01:11,058 --> 00:01:13,325 How did we bring food in here?! 22 00:01:13,327 --> 00:01:15,728 Oh, and also, did we lose some people?! 23 00:01:15,730 --> 00:01:17,830 Lana'n Cyril bailed! 24 00:01:17,832 --> 00:01:19,299 Triflin bitches! 25 00:01:19,301 --> 00:01:23,036 Here! Less yer a triflin bitch too! 26 00:01:23,038 --> 00:01:26,606 Agh! What'd I just put inside me?! 27 00:01:26,608 --> 00:01:27,774 Green Russians! 28 00:01:27,776 --> 00:01:33,380 It's absinthe and... Milk, sweet shitsnacks lookit those! 29 00:01:33,382 --> 00:01:35,750 Oh! My! God! 30 00:01:35,752 --> 00:01:36,651 That's right! 31 00:01:36,653 --> 00:01:39,956 It's somewhat coming back to me! 32 00:01:39,958 --> 00:01:40,824 Woooo! 33 00:01:40,826 --> 00:01:42,293 I'm Pacman Jones! 34 00:01:42,295 --> 00:01:43,895 Come home with me! 35 00:01:43,897 --> 00:01:46,965 Plus my valet will give you some heroin! 36 00:01:46,967 --> 00:01:49,834 Thankfully I didn't have to share. 37 00:01:49,836 --> 00:01:51,704 But she did, she came home with me! 38 00:01:51,706 --> 00:01:52,372 I remember! 39 00:01:52,374 --> 00:01:55,575 I mean, Green Russians, it's fuzzy, I don't remember this... 40 00:01:55,577 --> 00:01:59,346 But I do remember her being the best sex I've ever had in my life! 41 00:01:59,348 --> 00:02:02,150 Er -- Shut up, and that includes Europe, Lana, 42 00:02:02,152 --> 00:02:03,518 my Brazilian au pair...! 43 00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:07,289 No woman has ever made me -- oh shit! 44 00:02:07,291 --> 00:02:07,989 Sir...? 45 00:02:07,991 --> 00:02:08,890 Phone number?! 46 00:02:08,892 --> 00:02:09,391 Matchbook?! 47 00:02:09,393 --> 00:02:12,928 I don't know her name, where she works... Woodhouse, how am I gonna find her?! 48 00:02:12,930 --> 00:02:13,896 Ahem. 49 00:02:13,898 --> 00:02:15,531 You might check the loo. 50 00:02:15,533 --> 00:02:16,465 What, here?! 51 00:02:16,467 --> 00:02:17,799 Why didn't you say so?! 52 00:02:17,801 --> 00:02:19,067 Oww! 53 00:02:19,069 --> 00:02:20,903 Oww! 54 00:02:20,905 --> 00:02:27,142 Ow, ow, ow... Uh, so hey, hi. 55 00:02:27,144 --> 00:02:31,413 I'm Sterling Archer, you may remember me from the strip club, 56 00:02:31,415 --> 00:02:34,417 and hopefully also from what was hands down the most incredible 57 00:02:34,419 --> 00:02:37,520 sex that I personally have ever had. 58 00:02:37,522 --> 00:02:45,597 Hello? Oh right, so I know we had an implied oral agreement about heroin... 59 00:02:45,599 --> 00:02:46,464 Heroin?! 60 00:02:46,466 --> 00:02:47,098 Wh-?! 61 00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:50,535 That's the last frickin thing I need. 62 00:02:50,537 --> 00:02:53,372 I'm bound up tighter'n dick's hatband. 63 00:02:53,374 --> 00:02:57,576 No, not... were you...? Did we...? 64 00:02:57,578 --> 00:02:58,744 Yeah, we did. 65 00:02:58,746 --> 00:02:59,978 And you loved it! 66 00:03:02,316 --> 00:03:04,450 KATHUMP! 67 00:03:05,522 --> 00:03:16,181 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com 68 00:03:39,683 --> 00:03:41,642 Okay, jeez, I get it! 69 00:03:41,762 --> 00:03:43,620 Well, you say that, but I worry that you think I'm 70 00:03:43,622 --> 00:03:47,924 - exaggerating when I say... - That I was the best sex you ever had? 71 00:03:47,926 --> 00:03:52,629 No... That if anybody ever finds out about it, I will literally - 72 00:03:52,749 --> 00:03:55,566 Pam, look at me- I will literally murder you. 73 00:03:55,568 --> 00:03:58,036 - Not literally... - Yes literally! 74 00:03:58,038 --> 00:04:00,872 You will wake up in three separate fifty-gallon drums! 75 00:04:00,874 --> 00:04:03,641 That's a hundred and fifty gallons. 76 00:04:03,643 --> 00:04:08,979 - Of Pam's hot, dirty, ball-slappiney... - Gaaghh! 77 00:04:08,981 --> 00:04:12,215 Come at me bro! 78 00:04:12,217 --> 00:04:18,422 How ya gonna keep 'em, down on the farm, after they seen Pam-ee? 79 00:04:18,424 --> 00:04:22,894 Yeah, how're you gonna... I mean, my God, you can't, 80 00:04:22,896 --> 00:04:25,363 that, that was just -- Disgusting! 81 00:04:25,365 --> 00:04:28,900 And I hoped I would never have to say this, but you finally topped your 82 00:04:28,902 --> 00:04:30,803 tenth grade sports banquet! 83 00:04:30,805 --> 00:04:34,840 I -- okay first of all, Mrs. Coach Mumford came on to me. 84 00:04:34,842 --> 00:04:37,243 And second of all... what're we talking about? 85 00:04:37,245 --> 00:04:39,912 Hitting on your dead colleague's widow?! 86 00:04:39,914 --> 00:04:41,147 At his own wake?! 87 00:04:41,149 --> 00:04:42,482 Oh, that. 88 00:04:42,484 --> 00:04:45,852 - Okay, so... - So help me God, Sterling, sometimes I think 89 00:04:45,854 --> 00:04:48,288 that I've failed as a mother. 90 00:04:48,290 --> 00:04:49,322 Sometimes? 91 00:04:49,324 --> 00:04:52,125 Oh shut up, and the last thing you need is another drink. 92 00:04:52,127 --> 00:04:55,862 Ugh, seriously, how can you be drinking after last night? 93 00:04:55,864 --> 00:04:56,763 How can you not? 94 00:04:56,765 --> 00:04:59,566 Because I don't have a problem. 95 00:04:59,568 --> 00:05:02,904 - Well, I do... - First step's admitting it, Mother. 96 00:05:02,906 --> 00:05:03,538 Wh-? 97 00:05:03,540 --> 00:05:04,672 Not with drinking! 98 00:05:04,674 --> 00:05:08,343 - Eh... Eh... - My problem, besides your snide remarks 99 00:05:08,345 --> 00:05:11,080 is Nikolai Jakov, head of the KGB. 100 00:05:11,082 --> 00:05:13,416 And also possibly Archer's father. 101 00:05:13,418 --> 00:05:13,950 Wh-? 102 00:05:13,952 --> 00:05:15,718 How do you know about that?! 103 00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:17,287 Because I'm part of Everybody? 104 00:05:17,289 --> 00:05:20,356 - Damn that blabbermouthing Pam... - Why, what'd she say?! 105 00:05:20,358 --> 00:05:24,828 Besides the stuff about Jakov, which obviously is what you meant, so... 106 00:05:24,830 --> 00:05:27,831 So, Nikolai has been dropping hints that he may want to defect. 107 00:05:27,833 --> 00:05:28,498 What?! 108 00:05:28,500 --> 00:05:29,199 That's awesome! 109 00:05:29,201 --> 00:05:30,767 I think you mean awful. 110 00:05:30,769 --> 00:05:33,470 Uh, ISIS getting an inside look at every single 111 00:05:33,472 --> 00:05:35,305 KGB operation in the world? 112 00:05:35,307 --> 00:05:36,507 And that's awful how? 113 00:05:36,509 --> 00:05:39,577 Because he thinks he's going to move in with me! 114 00:05:39,579 --> 00:05:42,613 Me, who happens to be in a relationship with Burt Reynolds, 115 00:05:42,615 --> 00:05:44,548 in case you've forgotten? 116 00:05:44,550 --> 00:05:46,183 I actually did forget that. 117 00:05:46,185 --> 00:05:47,952 Yeah, I never see you together. 118 00:05:47,954 --> 00:05:49,787 I mean, are you like dating, or...? 119 00:05:49,789 --> 00:05:51,155 It's... complicated. 120 00:05:51,157 --> 00:05:56,060 What with our work schedules, and... work, it's hard to find time 121 00:05:56,062 --> 00:05:57,394 for actual dates. 122 00:05:57,396 --> 00:06:01,532 - But you do see one another... - Well yes of course, but -- 123 00:06:01,534 --> 00:06:03,100 But never in public, right? 124 00:06:03,102 --> 00:06:07,038 - Only at your place, or maybe a hotel, or... - Or on the dirty floor in 125 00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:08,039 the elevator? 126 00:06:08,041 --> 00:06:09,274 Wh-? Pam! 127 00:06:09,276 --> 00:06:14,079 Get your bloated carcass -- Out, I got it, I'm on this I got it! 128 00:06:14,081 --> 00:06:16,214 How did she know about the elevator? 129 00:06:16,216 --> 00:06:17,215 I -- ew. 130 00:06:17,217 --> 00:06:19,785 Burt made sure I erased the security tape. 131 00:06:19,787 --> 00:06:25,723 Wait, could -- you don't think Burt's ashamed to be seen with me? 132 00:06:25,725 --> 00:06:26,390 Lana. 133 00:06:26,392 --> 00:06:27,225 I'm sorry? 134 00:06:27,227 --> 00:06:30,394 Well I'm sorry, but if anybody ever found out I'd die of shame! 135 00:06:30,396 --> 00:06:33,364 Well how do ya think that makes me feel?! 136 00:06:33,366 --> 00:06:35,832 I don't care Pam! 137 00:06:35,834 --> 00:06:37,869 Now, having said that, would you please come in this 138 00:06:37,871 --> 00:06:40,238 dirty toilet stall and have sex with me. 139 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:42,574 Ugh, oh alright! 140 00:06:42,576 --> 00:06:44,276 But this time get in there. 141 00:06:44,278 --> 00:06:45,511 All ya been doin' is givin' 142 00:06:45,513 --> 00:06:46,946 one side hell. 143 00:06:46,948 --> 00:06:49,282 Well, when you put it like that it sounds kinda shitty. 144 00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:53,252 Thirty years of my life I giff to the KGB?! 145 00:06:53,254 --> 00:06:56,989 End now you, this, this traitorous cyborg?! 146 00:06:56,991 --> 00:06:58,958 Are seeting et my desk?! 147 00:06:58,960 --> 00:07:00,326 How would you put it?! 148 00:07:00,328 --> 00:07:03,095 Yeah, you really got cornholed, huh? 149 00:07:03,097 --> 00:07:06,531 Wait, don't answer yet, because I'm also reassigning you to Siberia. 150 00:07:06,533 --> 00:07:07,899 Wh-?! Siberia?! 151 00:07:07,901 --> 00:07:10,502 Barry can't have you moping around here, you know... 152 00:07:10,504 --> 00:07:12,771 sowing the discontent! 153 00:07:12,773 --> 00:07:13,972 Is bad for morale. 154 00:07:13,974 --> 00:07:15,940 Et tu, Brute?! 155 00:07:15,942 --> 00:07:17,375 Et me, buddy. 156 00:07:17,377 --> 00:07:18,109 Rrrrrgh! 157 00:07:18,111 --> 00:07:19,944 So here's my advice to you: dress in layers. 158 00:07:19,946 --> 00:07:24,282 And don't even think about doing anything crazy like defecting... 159 00:07:24,284 --> 00:07:25,984 I would never defect! 160 00:07:25,986 --> 00:07:27,686 I love Mother Russia! 161 00:07:27,688 --> 00:07:31,089 Even when you're chopping through the ice in the toilet so you can poop? 162 00:07:31,091 --> 00:07:33,091 I'm kidding, obviously. 163 00:07:33,093 --> 00:07:36,195 You'll be like, six hundred miles from a toilet. 164 00:07:36,197 --> 00:07:38,397 Sorry, had to go to the bathroom, nothing unusual, 165 00:07:38,399 --> 00:07:42,268 just uh, you know, normal, um, bodily waste excretion. 166 00:07:42,270 --> 00:07:44,770 - If you're quite finished... - Damn near. 167 00:07:44,772 --> 00:07:48,374 ... then go home, sober up, and make sure your apartment is secure. 168 00:07:48,376 --> 00:07:49,542 Uh, why? 169 00:07:49,544 --> 00:07:50,543 To all three of those? 170 00:07:50,545 --> 00:07:52,946 Because if and when Nikolai shows up here, 171 00:07:52,948 --> 00:07:56,650 - he's not staying at my place... - Well, he's not staying with me! 172 00:07:56,652 --> 00:07:58,218 Then go prep the safehouse. 173 00:07:58,220 --> 00:08:02,255 Because you can bet every KGB agent and freelance assassin 174 00:08:02,257 --> 00:08:06,660 this side of Berlin will be hunting him down like a dog. 175 00:08:06,662 --> 00:08:07,728 Who hunts dogs? 176 00:08:07,730 --> 00:08:10,799 Orientals, duh! 177 00:08:12,041 --> 00:08:16,644 So when you say you assume Jakov got on that train to Siberia, 178 00:08:16,646 --> 00:08:17,612 you know what you're doing? 179 00:08:17,614 --> 00:08:18,826 I mek you ess. 180 00:08:18,946 --> 00:08:20,984 And Barry doesn't like! 181 00:08:22,251 --> 00:08:24,651 Being made an ass, he really doesn't. 182 00:08:24,653 --> 00:08:28,589 And as you can -- well it's over there now, but the telex from the Siberia 183 00:08:28,591 --> 00:08:31,149 desk says Jakov never showed up! 184 00:08:31,269 --> 00:08:33,294 Now why do you think that might be?! 185 00:08:33,296 --> 00:08:36,296 - Ummm... - Thenk you, Boris! 186 00:08:36,298 --> 00:08:38,732 I wun't forget this! 187 00:08:38,734 --> 00:08:42,202 I promised myself I don't cry. 188 00:08:42,204 --> 00:08:44,103 Promise broke. 189 00:08:44,105 --> 00:08:46,038 What was that? 190 00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:47,173 Ellergies? 191 00:08:47,175 --> 00:08:51,710 To what, making sure people get on trains?! 192 00:08:51,712 --> 00:08:53,378 Nice one other Barry. 193 00:08:53,380 --> 00:08:57,715 Now Jakov's got a twelve-hour head start, and the details of every single 194 00:08:57,717 --> 00:09:01,318 KGB operation on the globe in his fat, combed-over head! 195 00:09:01,320 --> 00:09:04,087 Da, end we hef no idea where he went! 196 00:09:04,089 --> 00:09:05,956 Well I assume he's in New York, with those 197 00:09:05,958 --> 00:09:08,124 shitbitchingassbastard Archers! 198 00:09:08,126 --> 00:09:09,492 - But... - I can assume! 199 00:09:09,494 --> 00:09:11,595 You're already an ass! 200 00:09:11,597 --> 00:09:15,566 So contact our sleeper in New York and then cancel all my meetings this week, 201 00:09:15,568 --> 00:09:18,136 because I will also be in New York. 202 00:09:18,138 --> 00:09:20,005 Murdering people. 203 00:09:20,007 --> 00:09:22,174 Eh, dunt tek this the wrung way? 204 00:09:22,176 --> 00:09:26,612 But I pictured you having nicer apartment. 205 00:09:27,582 --> 00:09:29,049 Why thet is funny? 206 00:09:29,051 --> 00:09:32,853 Hm? Oh no, sorry, there's a funny Marmaduke on the fridge. 207 00:09:32,855 --> 00:09:33,454 A what? 208 00:09:33,456 --> 00:09:38,226 And this is actually, ahem, the ISIS safehouse, cheers! 209 00:09:38,228 --> 00:09:39,228 Safehouse? 210 00:09:39,230 --> 00:09:42,765 - But Melory, I assumed... - Which you shouldn't have! 211 00:09:42,767 --> 00:09:46,569 What, you thought you'd just show up out of the blue and we'd move in together? 212 00:09:46,571 --> 00:09:48,704 Pretty much, yeah. 213 00:09:48,706 --> 00:09:53,676 Nikolai, it's not that I don't- am not very fond of you, I mean, 214 00:09:53,678 --> 00:09:58,481 - we have such history together, and... - End mebbe a son? 215 00:09:58,483 --> 00:10:02,050 - Mmmmaybe, but... - But so? 216 00:10:02,052 --> 00:10:03,184 Where is he? 217 00:10:03,186 --> 00:10:04,552 Good question. 218 00:10:04,554 --> 00:10:07,121 - He was supposed to prep this dump... - And didn't. 219 00:10:07,123 --> 00:10:09,523 -- and now he's supposed to be here for the first shift of guard duty. 220 00:10:09,525 --> 00:10:10,424 And isn't. 221 00:10:10,426 --> 00:10:14,093 Hi, Lana Kane, you must be Major Jakov, such a pleasure, 222 00:10:14,095 --> 00:10:17,096 be a lamb and take those to the kitchen? 223 00:10:17,098 --> 00:10:17,463 So. 224 00:10:17,465 --> 00:10:20,199 I think I speak for all of us when I say we shouldn't be the 225 00:10:20,201 --> 00:10:22,435 only ones guarding your maybe-baby-daddy. 226 00:10:22,437 --> 00:10:28,174 - I can't believe you all know about that... - Wow, thet is big dog! 227 00:10:28,176 --> 00:10:29,008 Marmaduke. 228 00:10:29,010 --> 00:10:32,078 And regardless of any... personal ties I may have with Nikolai, 229 00:10:32,080 --> 00:10:35,081 he's a invaluable asset and we have to protect him! 230 00:10:35,083 --> 00:10:38,619 I mean, you know... at least until he's been debriefed. 231 00:10:38,621 --> 00:10:39,386 And then? 232 00:10:39,388 --> 00:10:41,321 What, he's on his own? 233 00:10:41,323 --> 00:10:44,125 - Um... - Wow. 234 00:10:44,127 --> 00:10:46,960 I'm serious, you are literally draining the life out of me. 235 00:10:46,962 --> 00:10:51,899 C'mon, you make me sound like some kinda... chupacabra, but for dicks. 236 00:10:51,901 --> 00:10:54,869 A terrifying yet accurate comparison. 237 00:10:54,871 --> 00:10:56,237 Where did you learn all that stuff? 238 00:10:56,239 --> 00:10:59,240 You know I grew up on a farm, right? 239 00:10:59,242 --> 00:11:01,643 Really hoping that's not relevant. 240 00:11:01,645 --> 00:11:04,645 Ms. Kane... and your mother. 241 00:11:04,647 --> 00:11:06,047 - Hooray... - I gotta bounce. 242 00:11:06,049 --> 00:11:07,315 Later taters. 243 00:11:07,317 --> 00:11:10,519 Lana listen, if this is a booty call, I'm flattered, but -- 244 00:11:10,521 --> 00:11:11,220 Oh my God. 245 00:11:11,222 --> 00:11:12,888 You're supposed to be guarding Nikolai! 246 00:11:12,890 --> 00:11:17,093 Yeah, so about that, I mean, don't you think that's gonna be..kinda... 247 00:11:19,965 --> 00:11:20,797 Awkward? 248 00:11:20,799 --> 00:11:22,499 I actually think it's kinda sweet. 249 00:11:22,501 --> 00:11:23,233 Little help? 250 00:11:23,235 --> 00:11:24,001 No, you're good. 251 00:11:24,003 --> 00:11:26,603 The camera's set up for the debriefing, and one of us will relieve you 252 00:11:26,605 --> 00:11:28,038 in like, eight hours? 253 00:11:28,040 --> 00:11:29,440 Wait, where are you guys going?! 254 00:11:29,442 --> 00:11:30,874 Uh, a town called work? 255 00:11:30,876 --> 00:11:34,345 Neutralizing a KGB sleeper in Brooklyn, thanks to this intel from the 256 00:11:34,347 --> 00:11:35,012 major. 257 00:11:35,014 --> 00:11:36,947 It was least I could do. 258 00:11:36,949 --> 00:11:39,083 Since otherwise he'd kill you? 259 00:11:39,085 --> 00:11:40,417 Is win-win. 260 00:11:40,419 --> 00:11:45,022 Is it? 261 00:11:45,024 --> 00:11:46,990 So! 262 00:11:46,992 --> 00:11:47,857 Yeah. 263 00:11:47,859 --> 00:11:49,526 Sterlink! 264 00:11:49,528 --> 00:11:50,360 Yeah. 265 00:11:50,362 --> 00:11:51,661 Is long time. 266 00:11:51,663 --> 00:11:55,064 Yeah, when was... oh! I guess when I was in the 267 00:11:55,066 --> 00:12:00,303 dreaded Lubyanka with jumper cables clamped to my balls! 268 00:12:00,305 --> 00:12:05,307 So da, this is... a little awkward. 269 00:12:05,309 --> 00:12:06,308 Yeah. 270 00:12:06,310 --> 00:12:07,309 Maybe some shots? 271 00:12:07,311 --> 00:12:09,512 Yeah let's try that! 272 00:12:09,514 --> 00:12:16,118 Any time now... Cyril. Cyril! 273 00:12:16,120 --> 00:12:19,222 Lana, I -- I don't think I'm cut out for this. 274 00:12:19,224 --> 00:12:22,524 Well, don't take this the wrong way, but neither does anyone else. 275 00:12:22,526 --> 00:12:24,360 Just pretend he's, like, a rabid dog. 276 00:12:24,362 --> 00:12:26,429 Oh God, just like Old Yeller! 277 00:12:26,431 --> 00:12:30,699 Yeah, if Old Yeller had a big stack of KGB codebooks and fif - forty 278 00:12:30,701 --> 00:12:32,501 thousand bucks in a floor safe. 279 00:12:32,503 --> 00:12:35,971 And was also identified as a sleeper agent by the head of the KGB! 280 00:12:35,973 --> 00:12:37,172 Who, Barry?! 281 00:12:37,174 --> 00:12:37,773 What? 282 00:12:37,775 --> 00:12:38,507 White? 283 00:12:38,509 --> 00:12:39,608 You guys like smooth R&B? 284 00:12:39,610 --> 00:12:40,108 Duh. 285 00:12:40,110 --> 00:12:46,147 Are you telling me Barry "The Bionic Douchebag" Dylan is running the KGB? 286 00:12:46,149 --> 00:12:47,749 Only if I can defect, too. 287 00:12:47,751 --> 00:12:50,352 Because that dude is out of his damn mind. 288 00:12:50,354 --> 00:12:51,854 I'm listening. 289 00:12:51,856 --> 00:12:53,121 He's crazy! 290 00:12:53,123 --> 00:12:57,559 I mean he's smart, way smarter than Jakov, but -- oh, and you can bet Jakov's 291 00:12:57,561 --> 00:12:58,627 intel is bad! 292 00:12:58,629 --> 00:12:59,261 Really? 293 00:12:59,263 --> 00:13:00,396 This isn't your kneecap? 294 00:13:00,398 --> 00:13:01,630 Don't you get it? 295 00:13:01,632 --> 00:13:04,600 Barry gave me up so you'd trust Jakov on the rest! 296 00:13:04,602 --> 00:13:09,171 - He knew Jakov wanted to defect, so... - So he's been feeding him fake intel? 297 00:13:09,173 --> 00:13:10,372 I mean I assume! 298 00:13:10,374 --> 00:13:13,041 Because Barry's got a master plan, which, when you hear it, 299 00:13:13,043 --> 00:13:18,245 will probably make your head explo... Jesus! Jesus! 300 00:13:18,247 --> 00:13:19,279 Ahem. Cyril? 301 00:13:19,281 --> 00:13:20,447 I'm sorry! 302 00:13:20,449 --> 00:13:21,815 Yes. 303 00:13:21,817 --> 00:13:23,484 Yes you are. 304 00:13:23,486 --> 00:13:25,653 Is I who em sorry! 305 00:13:25,655 --> 00:13:28,055 I should hef been there for you! 306 00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:33,994 Shut up, don't do that, I mean what were you gonna do, marry my mother? 307 00:13:33,996 --> 00:13:35,262 Have you met her? 308 00:13:35,264 --> 00:13:35,762 Oww! 309 00:13:35,764 --> 00:13:39,132 Dun't you ever disrespect her! 310 00:13:39,134 --> 00:13:42,936 You're not my dad! 311 00:13:45,174 --> 00:13:47,741 How would you know?! 312 00:13:47,743 --> 00:13:49,209 I know, right?! 313 00:13:49,211 --> 00:13:53,481 But I hef to say, you dun't look like me! 314 00:13:53,483 --> 00:13:57,619 And don't take this the wrong way, but thank Christ! 315 00:13:57,621 --> 00:13:58,620 Oww! 316 00:13:58,622 --> 00:13:59,521 Watch it! 317 00:13:59,523 --> 00:14:00,055 You dumb idiot! 318 00:14:00,057 --> 00:14:01,089 Oh man, I am so sorry! 319 00:14:01,091 --> 00:14:04,760 Here, lemme get you some... oh my God, Cheryl? 320 00:14:04,762 --> 00:14:06,061 Barry?! 321 00:14:06,063 --> 00:14:08,597 Wow, I was hoping I'd bump into you! 322 00:14:08,599 --> 00:14:09,431 Wait, really? 323 00:14:09,433 --> 00:14:11,266 And darn if I didn't! 324 00:14:11,268 --> 00:14:11,934 Literally! 325 00:14:11,936 --> 00:14:15,237 You -- wait a minute, why am I thinking you live in like, Russia? 326 00:14:15,239 --> 00:14:17,206 Mmmmaybe the tracksuit? 327 00:14:17,208 --> 00:14:20,476 Duh, right, and which, by the way, you are totally rockiiiing. 328 00:14:20,478 --> 00:14:24,446 Oh, that's just... my huge muscles. 329 00:14:24,448 --> 00:14:27,649 So tell me... how strong are you? 330 00:14:27,651 --> 00:14:29,917 Insanely, wanna get outta here? 331 00:14:29,919 --> 00:14:31,485 Oh my God, totally, but like it has to be 332 00:14:31,487 --> 00:14:33,854 your place, because mine reeks of ocelot piss. 333 00:14:33,856 --> 00:14:37,723 - I have no response to that... - Doesn't merit one. 334 00:14:37,725 --> 00:14:41,526 - ... and my place is currently flooding so... - Hotel? 335 00:14:41,528 --> 00:14:42,861 Damn, no money. 336 00:14:42,863 --> 00:14:44,329 Tracksuit, no pockets. 337 00:14:44,331 --> 00:14:45,130 Damn it! 338 00:14:45,132 --> 00:14:47,666 I know, it's the one single drawback. 339 00:14:47,668 --> 00:14:50,368 Wait, doesn't ISIS have a safehouse? 340 00:14:50,370 --> 00:14:52,904 Yeah, but... You have promise that all that 341 00:14:52,906 --> 00:14:56,107 horrific stuff I think I remember about you is just false memories? 342 00:14:56,109 --> 00:14:58,309 - I... - Because I get those a lot. 343 00:14:58,311 --> 00:15:01,279 Cross the microchip in my heart. 344 00:15:01,281 --> 00:15:03,447 Don't get all girly on me. 345 00:15:03,449 --> 00:15:04,515 Check! 346 00:15:06,057 --> 00:15:07,098 Hold the door! 347 00:15:07,218 --> 00:15:08,371 Hold the door! 348 00:15:08,556 --> 00:15:09,855 Headin out? 349 00:15:09,857 --> 00:15:13,392 No, I thought I'd just take all my things for a ride on the elevator. 350 00:15:13,394 --> 00:15:14,493 Okay. 351 00:15:14,495 --> 00:15:16,162 I actually have a date. 352 00:15:16,164 --> 00:15:17,396 With Burt Reynolds. 353 00:15:17,398 --> 00:15:18,665 We're watching Gator. 354 00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:19,532 Your place? 355 00:15:19,534 --> 00:15:23,536 Well if we go out, you know, he's just mobbed, so... 356 00:15:23,538 --> 00:15:27,440 So it's a DVD, a box of wine and some Hot Pockets, and off to bed. 357 00:15:27,442 --> 00:15:27,974 No! 358 00:15:27,976 --> 00:15:30,176 Well, it's not a box of wine. 359 00:15:30,178 --> 00:15:36,282 - Pam, let me ask you something... - How ken you just leave me here?! 360 00:15:36,284 --> 00:15:39,953 Mainly because I have an incredibly addictive personality. 361 00:15:39,955 --> 00:15:43,256 So just debrief yourself with the camera, and when I get back we'll talk 362 00:15:43,258 --> 00:15:47,060 about the DNA test thing, if, ya know, you're still into doing that. 363 00:15:47,062 --> 00:15:50,263 Of course I em still into thet! 364 00:15:50,265 --> 00:15:53,433 But in meantime, you think I will be safe? 365 00:15:53,435 --> 00:15:55,402 God, what's Russian for duh? 366 00:15:55,404 --> 00:15:56,469 It's a safehouse! 367 00:15:56,471 --> 00:15:57,871 Nobody knows where it is! 368 00:15:57,873 --> 00:15:59,807 Well, here it is! 369 00:15:59,809 --> 00:16:00,608 Neat. 370 00:16:00,610 --> 00:16:02,176 Can I see your neck a minute? 371 00:16:02,178 --> 00:16:09,585 Oh, Barry... Barry? Barry! 372 00:16:09,587 --> 00:16:12,955 Barrryyyygrrghhh! 373 00:16:12,957 --> 00:16:15,958 ... my point is, if you're confident in yourself as a woman, 374 00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:18,494 who cares if he wants to keep it on the DL? 375 00:16:18,496 --> 00:16:21,363 - Well yes, but... - But nothin! 376 00:16:21,365 --> 00:16:24,500 Because who's to say you're not using him for sex? 377 00:16:24,502 --> 00:16:26,802 Pam, don't take this the wrong way? 378 00:16:26,804 --> 00:16:29,504 But you're not nearly as stupid as you look. 379 00:16:29,506 --> 00:16:31,906 Okay. 380 00:16:31,908 --> 00:16:32,640 Mmmyello? 381 00:16:32,642 --> 00:16:34,542 Archer don't talk, just listen! 382 00:16:34,544 --> 00:16:35,410 Why, what's up? 383 00:16:35,412 --> 00:16:37,946 - What're you -- - Jakov's intel is bad and Barry's got some sort of master 384 00:16:37,948 --> 00:16:41,684 plan that we're clueless about, thanks to Cyril -- Who has apologized 385 00:16:41,686 --> 00:16:43,486 - profusely... - Quiet game! 386 00:16:43,488 --> 00:16:48,024 -- so we're gonna regroup at the safehouse and try to... figure out... 387 00:16:48,026 --> 00:16:48,659 God damn it. 388 00:16:48,661 --> 00:16:49,359 What. 389 00:16:49,361 --> 00:16:51,095 Wait for it. 390 00:16:51,097 --> 00:16:52,663 Ha ha haaaa! 391 00:16:52,665 --> 00:16:57,668 Leave it! 392 00:16:57,670 --> 00:16:58,736 Da, da! 393 00:16:58,738 --> 00:17:00,204 Keep your shirt on! 394 00:17:00,206 --> 00:17:03,708 Barry doesn't wear a shirt. 395 00:17:03,710 --> 00:17:07,111 Ruins Barry's whole tracksuit vibe. 396 00:17:07,113 --> 00:17:09,413 I swear to God, if he put as much effort into 397 00:17:09,415 --> 00:17:12,783 his job as he does into those idiot voicemails... 398 00:17:12,785 --> 00:17:15,585 and you say got this from a KGB sleeper? 399 00:17:15,587 --> 00:17:17,520 Right before Cyril blew his head off. 400 00:17:17,522 --> 00:17:18,755 What?! 401 00:17:18,757 --> 00:17:25,528 You son of bitch, you ektually think you will get away with this?! 402 00:17:25,530 --> 00:17:26,629 Obviously! 403 00:17:26,631 --> 00:17:28,097 Why else would I do it? 404 00:17:28,099 --> 00:17:30,933 Who knows with you, you're crezzy! 405 00:17:30,935 --> 00:17:33,769 Am I?! 406 00:17:33,771 --> 00:17:36,572 Between Archer ruining my life and you dicks turning me into 407 00:17:36,574 --> 00:17:39,676 a cyborg, I'm kind of amazed I'm even this sane. 408 00:17:39,678 --> 00:17:42,278 Which is obviously a relative term, but -- 409 00:17:42,280 --> 00:17:43,380 What are you doing? 410 00:17:43,382 --> 00:17:45,048 Rationalizing my behavior. 411 00:17:45,050 --> 00:17:46,049 With gess. 412 00:17:46,051 --> 00:17:47,184 Oh. 413 00:17:47,186 --> 00:17:48,418 Killing you. 414 00:17:48,420 --> 00:17:50,254 Oh. 415 00:17:50,256 --> 00:17:54,225 - Oh, Marmaduke... - End gess is nut so bad 416 00:17:54,227 --> 00:17:57,228 - way to die... - Well again, relative term. 417 00:17:57,230 --> 00:18:00,031 End efterwerd, if Sterlink want, 418 00:18:00,033 --> 00:18:02,800 he ken still get some DNA from my body, 419 00:18:02,802 --> 00:18:05,369 end find out if I em his real father. 420 00:18:05,371 --> 00:18:07,705 Which I'm sure would provide him with some 421 00:18:07,707 --> 00:18:11,342 much-needed closure... Which is why it's not gonna happen. 422 00:18:11,344 --> 00:18:13,077 Why, what is thet? 423 00:18:13,079 --> 00:18:16,514 This - glad you asked - is a block of ice with a fork 424 00:18:16,516 --> 00:18:17,114 frozen in it. 425 00:18:17,116 --> 00:18:18,750 What are you doing with it? 426 00:18:18,752 --> 00:18:22,587 I am putting this fork-filled block of ice in this 427 00:18:22,589 --> 00:18:27,124 microwave oven... Now I'm setting the timer for five -- Oh heck, 428 00:18:27,126 --> 00:18:29,059 let's call it ten minutes. 429 00:18:29,061 --> 00:18:30,961 Doesn't matter, ice can't tell time. 430 00:18:30,963 --> 00:18:34,565 - It ken unly melt... - And when it does... 431 00:18:34,567 --> 00:18:39,103 - Spark from fork, gas from stuv... - Booom. 432 00:18:39,105 --> 00:18:43,141 - End no DNA left for papa test... - Nope. 433 00:18:43,143 --> 00:18:44,409 Just uncertainty and doubt. 434 00:18:44,411 --> 00:18:48,480 Which hopefully, over time, will eventually drive Archer insane. 435 00:18:48,482 --> 00:18:51,517 End this, this is your mester plen? 436 00:18:51,519 --> 00:18:52,384 Huh? 437 00:18:52,386 --> 00:18:55,453 Oh, no, that's this whole other awesome thing. 438 00:18:55,455 --> 00:18:57,022 This is just a goof. 439 00:18:57,024 --> 00:18:59,857 Later, tater! 440 00:18:59,859 --> 00:19:00,725 Sterlink. 441 00:19:00,727 --> 00:19:05,663 If by some miracle this video tep survives the explosion, 442 00:19:05,665 --> 00:19:09,100 there is somethink very important I wunt you to know... 443 00:19:09,102 --> 00:19:11,402 First thing is, yer shitter's clogged. 444 00:19:11,404 --> 00:19:14,305 - Don't care, can't feel my legs... - Second thing is, 445 00:19:14,307 --> 00:19:17,475 if you want me to keep doin ya dirty on the down-low -- 446 00:19:17,477 --> 00:19:18,676 Yes! 447 00:19:18,678 --> 00:19:19,711 Yes yes yes. 448 00:19:19,713 --> 00:19:22,314 Then we are gonna have some ground rules. 449 00:19:22,316 --> 00:19:23,315 To wit! 450 00:19:23,317 --> 00:19:24,416 Barry?! 451 00:19:24,418 --> 00:19:25,150 Was here?! 452 00:19:25,152 --> 00:19:28,688 Yeah, but she says he took off after he -- here, you tell her. 453 00:19:28,690 --> 00:19:30,924 Okay so, Barry brought me here -- 454 00:19:30,926 --> 00:19:34,527 How did he know where "here" was? 455 00:19:34,529 --> 00:19:37,664 No idea, but so then he strangled me, 456 00:19:37,666 --> 00:19:42,201 which at first was hot, he's super strong, but then I was like, 457 00:19:42,203 --> 00:19:44,903 floating toward this really bright light and some guy with a beard. 458 00:19:44,905 --> 00:19:47,540 Jesus Christ- Or Richie Havens! 459 00:19:47,542 --> 00:19:49,308 Nikolai! 460 00:19:49,310 --> 00:19:55,213 End so, Sterlink... remember, things are not always 461 00:19:55,215 --> 00:20:01,286 what they appear. 462 00:20:01,288 --> 00:20:03,087 Mmmyello? 463 00:20:03,089 --> 00:20:04,355 Hello? 464 00:20:04,357 --> 00:20:07,358 Oh for -- Mother this isn't voicemail. 465 00:20:07,360 --> 00:20:12,430 Mother, c'mon... The time is... exactly seven sixteen, 466 00:20:12,432 --> 00:20:15,299 and I wish they were, but even my voicemail pranks 467 00:20:15,301 --> 00:20:17,901 aren't that elaborate. 468 00:20:17,903 --> 00:20:18,569 Mother! 469 00:20:18,571 --> 00:20:19,370 Sterling? 470 00:20:19,372 --> 00:20:21,139 Leave it... just kidding. 471 00:20:21,141 --> 00:20:23,375 - Sterling, it's me... - Duh. Where are you, 472 00:20:23,377 --> 00:20:28,714 what's all that -- Uh-huh. Uh-huh. 473 00:20:28,716 --> 00:20:31,883 Okay. Yeah. 474 00:20:31,885 --> 00:20:32,818 What's up? 475 00:20:32,820 --> 00:20:42,227 That was um... my uh...the man who might've been my father... just died. 476 00:20:42,229 --> 00:20:43,328 Awkward. 477 00:20:43,330 --> 00:20:46,832 And it's all my fault, because instead of doing my job, 478 00:20:46,834 --> 00:20:52,603 I was here... Half-drunk and having amazing sex. 479 00:20:52,605 --> 00:20:55,840 Well... I wouldn't say amazing... What? 480 00:20:55,842 --> 00:20:58,158 C'mon, you were pushin rope! 481 00:20:58,278 --> 00:21:08,978 Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com