So I get to go to the French riviera on the isis dime
To do what, exactly?
Locate a stolen shipment of redeye missiles and
Kill the arms dealer trying to Sell them -- spyridon skorpio.
....Is diabetes busy?
Don't underestimate scorpio.
There's a reason the bounty on him is so high.
Like high enough to redo my kitchen?
Ugh! What did I tell you?
That saltillo tile is terrible for a kitchen because it's so porous.
And mexican whorehouse-y.
So I'm sure your cook feels at home.
Hey, pita isn't a whore!
Not until you got ahold of her.
First of all -- oh, shut up!
The bounty on scorpio is more than enough for a new kitchen.
I also have the nook, though, so --
And the rest you can set aside for pita's inevitable medical expenses.
Oh, like, one time that happened!
It's pretty late, though. Why don't you, uh, take a cab?
Mr. Sterling? I have problem.
I'll pay for it.
Again?
Seriously, pita.
You're killing me here. Again?!
This was, uh, supposed to be coconut shrimp.
One, three times.
But it's the pope's fault she won't let me wear a condom.
Why don't you wear a vasectomy?!
This again? Don't you want a grandkid?
Well, if I did, I'd just scrape all your previous
Mishaps into a big pile and knit a onesie for it.
Jesus christ!
Sorry, I've been fasting, and I'm edgy.
Still, though. Sterling!
Okay. If there's money left after the kitchen, then vasectomy maybe.
So you do want the assignment.
Yeah, I want it! You really, really, really want it?
Yes. I really want it.
Well, too bad. Because guess what.
Why does she get the mission?!
Because I said so.
Either way, we have a plane to catch.
We?! Why are you going?
I'm going to, um, a conference.
well, isn't that convenient?
If you think that's convenient, wait till you see my new kitchen.
Ha! Seriously, though, you should
Look through some of her design catalogs.
cyril: So, zoom, you're just jetting off to France.
Isn't that kind of sudden?
lana: No, baby. Sudden is wanting to move in
With somebody after only four months.
cyril: Talking! Just talking about it.
You know, I mean, geez, I moved
In with my last girlfriend after four weeks.
lana: What are you, a lesbian?
Why? Would you be into that?
Just curious. Which was an odd word choice
Right there, and am I talking out loud?
malory: Now remember.
I want the entire data system on those new servers, or I will
Just make it rain pink slips!
fear is a poor motivator.
Lana, I want you to call or text me at the top of
Every hour, and I'll call or text at --
Yeah, I'm gonna be kind of busy, hon.
Well, it's all on the schedule.
Oh, no, honey, the doors are closing, and I didn't get the --
Oh. So close.
No!
That's not why I'm -- but, look, you be careful with scorpio.
He won't hesitate to kill you.
Unless I get smothered to death first.
Oh, well, that's just pathetic.
But even though cyril may be clingy --
Oh, saran wrap could take a lesson.
You used to complain constantly that sterling was emotionally distant.
Yeah. I was just being nice, though.
I wonder if he's like
That because I used to spank him with a wooden spoon.
Uh, yeah, I don't know about that.
But it might explain the ping-pong paddle.
Merci! My point is, dear, you can trust cyril.
Now, you go have a fun assassination. Uh, okay.
Uh, and you go have fun at your thing.
Oh, I will. Bye, dear.
Did you rent a boat?
da! Is very pretty nice boat.
It better be, mr. Sex tape.
And you, scuff that luggage, and i'll cut your hamstrings for you.
You know, I think we're making some progress.
where? In opposite world?
We're never gonna finish all this.
We can if certain people would help.
krieger: I'm sorry, are you addressing me?
Because your authority is not recognized in fort kick-ass.
Mr. Archer, you could help.
Hey, I'm helping cyril.
Text her again.
I am, if you'd shut up.
And really pour out your feelings.
Don't listen to him.
He's just trying to -- shut up!
Cyril, bare your soul.
so, did I say it's nice boat, or what?
Yes, nikolai, you certainly did.
Which hopefully explains my shock at finding myself aboard
The chum guzzler!
I am just getting that.
malory: Well, I know what you're not getting.
Give it to me! No!
cyril: Pam, I'm serious!
Give me my phone!
Cyril, goddamn it.
You're smothering lana.
cyril: Pam, I will hit you in the face!
archer: Don't listen to her, cyril.
You know, if there's one thing
Wotamen tolly love, it's to be smothered by men.
Like you'd know.
archer: Or choked, in your case.
Cyril, trust me.
Give her some space.
cyril: But why hasn't she called?
I mean, what if she's in danger or --
archer: Cyril, come on!
Worst-case scenario, her cover got blown, and scorpio's raping
Her senseless before he chops her battered corpse into fish food.
cyril: Oh, my god. What is wrong with you?!
archer: What?!
I said "Worst-case."
kroshk¨¢, leave that to your field agent.
Why must you always micromanage?
malory: I don't!
And if you will recall, I used to be an excellent field agent.
Is why I fall in love with you.
malory: My god, kolya, we were so young.
young. And in love. And in berlin.
On that magical, moonlit night, beneath the bridge of spies.
the night before you break my heart and disappear for nine months.
Kolya, there's -- there's something I've been meaning to tell you.
What is in this drink?!
oh, sorry.
Is ice from cooler.
Somehow it got butter all over it.
hey! Don't be queen of drama.
malory: That wasn't me, you idiot!
Oh, dear god.
archer: Cyril, stop. cyril: It's lana.
Here! Give me! archer: It's my phone.
Pam put yours in the blender.
It's called tough love, cyril.
krieger: The secret ingredient is phone.
archer: Myello? Mother?
What?! Really?
A-and you're sure it was lana?
cyril: What was lana?!
archer: Okay, I'm on it. cyril: Come on!
archer: What? Yes. God!
cyril: What did she say?
archer: Well, she's still really pro-vasectomy.
cyril: About lana!
archer: Oh, right. Yeah.
So, uh, remember that worst-case scenario we talked about?
cyril: Oh, my god.
krieger: Yes, I remember!
cyril: Archer, if anything --
archer: Cyril, relax.
I will rescue her.
So, krieger, how's about a roadie?
Because it would be nice to know what kind of danger i'm facing here.
What danger?
They do it outpatient.
Wha-- not the vasectomy.
The rescue.
How would I know?
I'm at a conference.
Wait a minute.
You don't have a minute!
Now, will you just put a lid on it?!
All right. I'm going.
God!
shitty flying rats!
Just put the damn lid on it!
Commence operation
Something about I rescue lana
And she begs me to take her back, so then cyril commits suicide.
Swear to god I had something for this.
Seriously.
Are you people just bailing on this whole assignment or what?
Who gives a gosh damn about that?!
Lana's captured, maybe even -- rescued! Kenny crybaby!
Come on!
I bet mr. Archer already went all double-"O"-ninja on
Skorpio's ass!
Karate sound.
You really think so?
cyril, right this second,
I Bet he's untying lana,
taking Off her ball gag, and she's Looking up into
his steely blue Eyes and parting her moist lips...
Wait a minute. Yeah, hang on, crazy pants.
krieger: Let her talk, woman! ...As he takes her in his
Rippling rambo-y arms, throws her down...
Oh, my god!
...And then unh, unh!
yeah! Oh, yeah! That's right!
Give it to me! Unh!
Damn it.
Look what you --
Shouldn't you be off cooking a rabbit somewhere?
krieger: I've got some in the lab.
I mean, maybe it's not that.
But there's only one way to find out.
Give me that!
Ugh. Jesus, god.
I thought I gave you a fake number.
What? Archer, it's me. Cyril?
Hey, I can't really talk right now.
Well, that's too bad, mr. Man!
Now, you just put lana on the phone.
Well, cyril, I can't really do that either.
Uh, he says he can't put her on.
Archer, put her on the phone!
Cyril, buddy, look. When I see her, I will tell her to call you.
But I can't frickin' talk right now!
Archer? Hello? He hung up.
probably 'cause he's all...
Oh, my god! I can't breathe.
And that's the reason I don't have sex with my co-workers.
That and no one ever lets me.
krieger: I've had good results with ether.
Oh, my god. Nikolai, something's wrong!
it's just fat dripping from kebabs.
Not that!
Kolya, my people need help!
Do you have any kgb agents nearby?
"Meh" What?!
I just don't feel so comfortable discussing kgb operations with you.
I tell you everything!
da. But is a little...
Unprofessional.
Swear to god, lana better be dead on a slab
or Begging for mercy over a vat of acid or a shark tank or --
Drinking champagne in a bikini?!
Ah, screw me!
skorpio: two minutes, my love!
I'm just now again reshaving my balls again!
First of all, you have no right to interfere with my operation!
And not at it's any of your beeswax, but I did not have sex
With skorpio!
Oh, really?
No! God!
I just kept putting him off,
Making him reshave his balls.
So you can hang out on a boat?
It's a mega yacht!
And I just --
I needed a break from cyril.
Who thinks you got captur or killed.
What was that all about?
Uh, I actually forget what that was.
I've been hitting the sauce pretty hard.
Jesus, you are so irresponsible.
Oh, really?
Go ask pita who's irresponsible.
Hey, she knew the job was risky going in.
And since you didn't do your job --
lana: I will! All right?
Just give me, like, a week.
archer: Too late!
You had your chance, and you blew it.
Now, how's my disguise?
lana: Uh, it depends.
Who are you supposed to be,
Topper bottoms, stern yet sensual skipper of the
U.S.S. Rough service?
archer: What?
They're your clothes, idiot.
lana: Ugh! Damn it.
That was the guy in charge of the chocolate fountain.
archer: There's a chocolate fountain?
lana: Oh, there's everything,
Great champagne, ridiculous food, a whole, like,
squad of Hot little filipina masseuses.
archer: Skeet? lana: Probably.
And I just really need some "Me" Time
before I have to go back to cyril and his whole --
archer: Curiously oppressive brand of love?
lana: I mean, come on. Haven't I earned that?
archer: Yes, we have. I'm staying.
what No! Yes. No, you are not!
Yes, I am, or would You prefer I tell cyril you slept with skorpio?
Even you wouldn't stoop that low.
Lana, come on.
This is me. Remember?
Unprofessional?!
From the man who used an entire
Kgb surveillance team just to make a sex tape of me?!
And entire kgb art department to
Airbrush wrinkles off your old ass.
I want to leave, please, right now.
so who's stopping you?
Smiles, everyone. Smiles.
For this party,
everything must be as perfect as my beautiful Companion.
skorpio: Because in one hour,
The world's most dangerous terrorists will gather here
on The argo to bid on my humble wares.
Wait! Wait! You!
Chocolate-fountain guy, you look, uh... Different.
Um, I guess I've been working out.
skorpio: Yes, I can see that.
Quick, bring me some duct tape.
I, uh --
skorpio: Because this malaka is ripped!
Come, my dear.
Before the party, I must relax...
On top of you.
skorpio: No excuses, eh?
My balls are smooth.
And you know I love that.
skorpio: Not as much as I love chocolate.
skorpio: So you, malaka, bring plenty of it, yes.
I-I would prefer not to.
"Bartleby the scrivener"? Anybody?
Not a big melville crowd here, huh?
He's not an easy read.
And I drove her right into his arms.
his big, tan, muscle-bulgey arms.
Cyril, come on.
Don't listen to --
What the hell's your name now, anyway?
I don't even remember.
Exactly!
So, what you snorting off me?
krieger: It's mostly msg.
The flavor enhancer!
which you so need.
Pipe down, pipe cleaner!
And, cyril, it's a rescue mission, okay?
Probably fraught with danger.
You really think so?
I bet they're fighting for their lives.
Yeah. That --
That got a little dark.
skorpio: So, now we have champagne, huh?
Um, got anything a little stronger?
Or way stronger, like poison?
skorpio: Hmm. I think I have just the thing.
Oh, my god!
skorpio: Ready the shark tank For my guests,
agents archer and kane, of isis!
You knew the whole time?!
skorpio: How you say...
all right, you heard mr. Skorpio.
skorpio: No, just "Skorpio."
Remember how we're doing that from now on?
sorry, sir. Uh, hang on just one second.
skorpio: Where was this enthusiasm before?
I know, right?
Now he wants to contribute.
Funny.
Actually, I'm getting this!
oh, no! grenade!
I had something for this, too.
Um...Damn it.
Eat grenade, stupids.
Oh, well, now what?!
ugh! Are you still here?
Where'd you get a grenade?
Hanging from the lampshade.
Wait. What?
Soulatka poutana!
What? Did he just call me a whore?!
Now, why on earth would he do that?
because he turns women into whores!
Just ask his slutty mexican cook!
Oh, my god! Yes!
We should call her!
Because I would literally murder
Somebody for some migas right now.
Every single noun and verb in that sentence totally arouses me.
And I am so open to that.
And, cyril, ignore her.
Nothing's going on between archer and lana.
Although...
cyril: "Although" What?
Well, every isis agent has a company-issued
Life-insurance policy.
And, uh...
cyril: And what?!
archer: You're my beneficiary!
lana: Your what?!
archer: On my company life insurance!
lana: Oh, my god!
archer: I mean, if this goes tits-up...
lana: Now? Really?
archer: Oh, right!
Because you walked into strippers discount warehouse
and Said, "Help me showcase my intellect."
lana: Discount?! Hello! This is fiacci!
Uh, I think it's pronounced "Knock-off."
Right after I get back, I am changing that stupid policy!
Ugh! Yes, you're my beneficiary.
How'd you get life insurance, lana?
Don't they know you're in the danger zone?
cyril: But that doesn't mean anything.
I mean, they could've forgotten to fill out new beneficiary
Forms, or --
They have to update those "Bennie" Forms every quarter.
cyril: But that means -- oh, my god!
krieger: Damn ass-hammered shit!
What?!
krieger: Benefits!
Oh, I forgot to spend the balance in my goddamn flex account!
Are you date of employment or --
krieger: Calendar year!
cyril: That's just leaving money on the table.
How did you forget that?
I guess I was busy fantasizing about archer and lana having intercourse.
Cyril, come on, hon.
We all were.
archer: And you expect me to believe that.
lana: I don't care!
Just like I don't ever think about you!
Reloading!
archer: Firing.
So, when you filled out your insurance forms,
you weren't Thinking about my tan,
muscular Arss in the combat-firing stance?
lana: No! I wasn't!
I don't!
I mean, I'm --
archer: So full of shit, your eyes are brown.
No, they're -- oh, my god.
They're green.
Like emeralds.
How did I never see that?
Lana, your eyes are amazing.
lana: Archer --
archer: I mean, not compared to your tits, but --
What is your problem?!
lana: You!
And plus, I have a boyfriend!
archer: Oh, right.
How could I forget mr. Cling?
Cyril! Cyril, come on!
Let go!
God, he's stronger than he looks!
krieger: Get him out of here!
Because these corporate bagmunchers owe me
$630 for my goddamn flex account!
I cannot believe you shot me!
God, you know how much I hate that!
lana: Yeah, well, you better get used to it!
skorpio: Kill them, you fools!
Kill them!
lana: Oh, my god.
I am gonna die, and you are the last man I was in bed with.
archer: Well, one of them.
Don't worry. I won't tell cyril.
Probably.
lana: Shit! I'm out of ammo!
Archer! archer: Lana!
Lana, do you trust me?!
lana: What? No!
I don't trust you!
archer: Well, that's too bad.
Because guess what.
malory: Oh, my god!
Nikolai! Our son!
our what?!
malory: Oh, so, remember that
Little something I wanted to tell you?
a "Little something"?
Oh, that is just classic you!
malory: So I'm a little late.
a lot late!
No one could have survived that.
archer: Oh, man!
I am awesome!
lana: Ugh, and it just keeps on getting better.
archer: Lana?!
lana: Asshole?
archer: Oh, my god.
Was that not epic?
lana: First of all --
malory: Nikolai, look.
They're alive!
Oh, thank god!
thank god?!
For what?!
The lying woman I risked my career for?
The son she don't told me of?
Or maybe my damn security deposit?
malory: Psh! Security deposit.
What was it, a pair of flip-flops?
archer: Half the bounty.
Come on, I deserve it.
lana: Ha! Too bad!
So you can just paddle that hole
In your foot right on back to
Your cheesy mexican kitchen.
archer: Oh, I'll get a new kitchen.
But let's see you get a new
Boyfriend after I have a long talk with cyril.
About what, exactly?
How you cried during a two-man threesome?
Wooden spoons are a huge emotional trigger for me, lana.
lana: Yeah, and now I know.
And when I tell pam, so will everybody in the office!
archer: Oh, is that how you want to play it?
lana: Yep!
archer: Fine!
You keep your stupid bounty, then!
And keep your pathetic, clingy boyfriend.
lana: I will!
Oh, and cyril may be clingy, but at least I know I can trust him!
cyril: Oh, my god.
Oh, my god. Oh, my god!
cyril, come on.
Snap out of it. Seriously.
It's not like we burned down the mainframe.
You really need to relax.
cyril: How?! My life is ruined! Again!
look, what happens on this
Scratchy green office rug stays
On this scratchy green office rug, okay?
cyril: You mean this, what we just did...
You'll keep this our secret?
yeah. God!
Cyril, you can trust me.
You know, probably.
cyril: Wha-- probably?!