1 00:00:01,393 --> 00:00:03,554 [PIANO PLAYING] 2 00:00:03,729 --> 00:00:05,822 Malory Archer. Ho. 3 00:00:05,998 --> 00:00:08,660 You get more beautiful every time I see you. 4 00:00:08,834 --> 00:00:10,825 - Oh-ho-ho, Gussy. - Minx. 5 00:00:11,003 --> 00:00:14,439 You'll be the death of me yet. But if I die... 6 00:00:14,607 --> 00:00:17,770 let it be with the name of this dusky jewel upon my lips. 7 00:00:17,943 --> 00:00:20,912 Lord Feltchley, may I present Miss Lana Kane? 8 00:00:21,080 --> 00:00:23,173 Yes, you bloody well may. 9 00:00:23,349 --> 00:00:25,112 LANA: So nice to, uh... Wow. 10 00:00:25,284 --> 00:00:27,809 Okay, that's kidskin you're slobbering on, so... 11 00:00:27,987 --> 00:00:29,147 Okay. 12 00:00:29,321 --> 00:00:32,484 Wouldn't want to offend that boyfriend of yours, eh, wot? 13 00:00:32,658 --> 00:00:34,683 No offense taken, Your Lordship. 14 00:00:34,860 --> 00:00:36,794 Glad to hear it. Whoever you are. 15 00:00:36,962 --> 00:00:38,896 Cyril Figgis, ISIS Comptroller. 16 00:00:39,064 --> 00:00:40,361 - And also my... - Boyfriend. 17 00:00:40,532 --> 00:00:42,022 - Person I'm dating. - No, he isn't. 18 00:00:42,201 --> 00:00:43,241 - We date. - No, you don't. 19 00:00:43,402 --> 00:00:45,029 - Ha. - No, no, no. 20 00:00:45,204 --> 00:00:48,696 Your man's a rakish chap. Air of mystery, chiseled good looks? 21 00:00:48,874 --> 00:00:51,672 - Oh, I think maybe you mean my ex? - Oh. 22 00:00:51,844 --> 00:00:54,142 - Archer. - Archer, exactly just. 23 00:00:54,313 --> 00:00:57,749 And if memory serves, not only handsome, but also... 24 00:00:57,917 --> 00:00:59,282 ARCHER: A secret agent. 25 00:00:59,451 --> 00:01:00,475 [CRASHING] 26 00:01:00,653 --> 00:01:04,020 That's what I am. And I shouldn't even be saying that... 27 00:01:04,189 --> 00:01:07,454 but you have a certain thickness about you... 28 00:01:07,626 --> 00:01:09,150 that I very find appealing... 29 00:01:09,328 --> 00:01:11,706 [IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] I find your drunkenness very unappealing... 30 00:01:11,730 --> 00:01:13,823 I am drunk or I wouldn't be talking to you. 31 00:01:13,999 --> 00:01:17,526 - So if you'll please excuse me. - Hey, come on. Don't be like that. 32 00:01:17,703 --> 00:01:18,703 [CROWD CHATTERING] 33 00:01:18,871 --> 00:01:20,634 - Whoops. - Sterling, look out. 34 00:01:20,806 --> 00:01:23,866 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Feltchley, you dirty Sassenach. 35 00:01:24,043 --> 00:01:28,446 Free Irishmen will never bow down before the English crown. 36 00:01:29,048 --> 00:01:30,811 [TRAY CLATTERING] 37 00:01:30,983 --> 00:01:32,507 [CROWD CLAPPING AND CHEERING] 38 00:01:32,685 --> 00:01:34,243 Oh là là, Sterling Archer. 39 00:01:34,420 --> 00:01:35,717 ARCHER: That was totally ninja. 40 00:01:35,888 --> 00:01:37,116 [SPEAKS IN FRENCH] 41 00:01:37,289 --> 00:01:38,950 Yeah, if you're... 42 00:01:39,124 --> 00:01:40,853 - into that. Hmm? - Lana? 43 00:01:41,026 --> 00:01:43,256 - Hon? Hello? - Huh? Hey. 44 00:01:44,396 --> 00:01:47,058 - What's up, buddy? - Ugh. Nothing. 45 00:01:47,232 --> 00:01:48,790 Oh, dear. 46 00:01:48,968 --> 00:01:51,903 Good show, Archer. Really saved my bacon there. 47 00:01:52,071 --> 00:01:55,302 Hey, come on. You know I'd never let anything happen to your bacon. 48 00:01:55,474 --> 00:01:58,534 - I love you, Santa Claus. - What? 49 00:01:59,712 --> 00:02:00,736 [CRIES] I do. 50 00:02:32,811 --> 00:02:34,676 Cyril, we've got big problems. 51 00:02:34,847 --> 00:02:36,314 Well, it may seem daunting now... 52 00:02:36,482 --> 00:02:39,849 but in the long run the HSA makes a lot more sense than flex accounts. 53 00:02:40,019 --> 00:02:41,919 I don't mean the health plan. 54 00:02:42,087 --> 00:02:44,783 Unless it covers Wandering Eye Syndrome. 55 00:02:44,957 --> 00:02:47,517 That depends on if that's a real thing. 56 00:02:47,693 --> 00:02:50,457 Oh, it's very real. And Lana has it. 57 00:02:50,629 --> 00:02:52,062 - Wait, what? - Cyril, I know... 58 00:02:52,231 --> 00:02:54,631 you saw how she looked at Sterling last night. 59 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:56,631 Well, I think she was just shaken up... 60 00:02:56,802 --> 00:02:58,235 Stirred up, Cyril. 61 00:02:58,404 --> 00:03:01,601 - In the loins. - You think her loins were stirring? 62 00:03:01,774 --> 00:03:05,437 - If not frothing. - Frothing? Great. What should I do? 63 00:03:05,611 --> 00:03:11,106 We should make you into someone for whom Lana's loins get equally frothy. 64 00:03:11,283 --> 00:03:14,275 And how exactly would we do that? 65 00:03:14,453 --> 00:03:16,683 She's obviously attracted to men of danger. 66 00:03:16,855 --> 00:03:17,947 - Like Archer. - Exactly. 67 00:03:18,123 --> 00:03:21,183 - The perfect field agent. - Who better to train you to become one? 68 00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:23,351 Archer train me? To be a field agent? 69 00:03:23,529 --> 00:03:24,723 He's already been briefed. 70 00:03:24,897 --> 00:03:28,298 But only on the "what," mind you, not the "why." 71 00:03:28,467 --> 00:03:30,628 No sense telling him it's about Lana... 72 00:03:30,803 --> 00:03:32,498 - Boy, wait till I tell her. - No. 73 00:03:32,671 --> 00:03:36,539 Cyril. Under no circumstance is Lana to know about our little... 74 00:03:36,708 --> 00:03:39,404 - plan. - Right. I think. Oh. 75 00:03:39,578 --> 00:03:41,578 - But about plans: Health plan switchover? - Cyril. 76 00:03:41,747 --> 00:03:44,181 I'll take care of whatever that is. 77 00:03:44,349 --> 00:03:46,749 You just concentrate on your training. 78 00:03:46,919 --> 00:03:50,514 - And Archer's really okay with this? - Oh, not at all. 79 00:03:50,956 --> 00:03:53,720 Which is just gravy. 80 00:03:53,892 --> 00:03:57,020 No, I just let mother think that because I know what she's up to... 81 00:03:57,196 --> 00:03:59,096 vis-à-vis Cyril and Lana and me. 82 00:03:59,264 --> 00:04:01,664 And it's not broadening Cyril's horizons. 83 00:04:01,834 --> 00:04:04,200 Trust me, Mother's idea of horizon-broadening... 84 00:04:04,369 --> 00:04:05,666 is a lot of fights... 85 00:04:05,838 --> 00:04:08,398 walking home from a lot of jazz-tap lessons. 86 00:04:11,176 --> 00:04:13,406 I so enjoy our talks. You got them? 87 00:04:14,913 --> 00:04:16,437 They're loaded and ready to go? 88 00:04:17,783 --> 00:04:20,752 Seriously, Krieger, you are my Oprah. 89 00:04:20,919 --> 00:04:24,047 So obviously I'm not happy about this whole arrangement, but... 90 00:04:24,223 --> 00:04:25,520 CYRIL: But your mother is, so... 91 00:04:25,691 --> 00:04:27,090 But I wonder what Lana thinks? 92 00:04:27,259 --> 00:04:29,921 Oh, Lana's not need-to-know on this. 93 00:04:30,095 --> 00:04:32,859 Wow, "open purse, remove balls" huh? 94 00:04:33,031 --> 00:04:36,057 I'm sure it's not the first time you kept a secret from Lana. 95 00:04:36,235 --> 00:04:37,964 Uh... Hello. Herpes? 96 00:04:38,137 --> 00:04:40,071 - You gave Lana herpes? ARCHER: Ahem. 97 00:04:40,239 --> 00:04:41,763 - Hello, Cheryl. - It's Carol. 98 00:04:41,940 --> 00:04:43,202 What? Since when? 99 00:04:43,375 --> 00:04:46,401 Since I had it legally changed because you always call me Carol. 100 00:04:46,578 --> 00:04:48,239 Wow, that's... 101 00:04:48,413 --> 00:04:50,381 - Excuse us. - Ugh. 102 00:04:50,549 --> 00:04:52,744 Okay, now what is this herpes business? 103 00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:54,886 Sorry, bad joke. And a false alarm. 104 00:04:55,053 --> 00:04:57,920 - Lesson one, get used to that. - Should I be writing this down? 105 00:04:58,090 --> 00:05:01,253 No. Never leave a paper trail. That's lesson one. 106 00:05:01,426 --> 00:05:02,916 - So ditch this. - Hey, that's... 107 00:05:03,095 --> 00:05:05,563 CHERYL: Ow! Jesus. - My dead mom's pen. 108 00:05:05,731 --> 00:05:09,360 Cyril did that. This is what a real field agent uses. 109 00:05:09,535 --> 00:05:11,127 Huh. Point's a lot finer than I prefer. 110 00:05:11,303 --> 00:05:13,635 - That's because it's a hypodermic needle... - What? 111 00:05:13,805 --> 00:05:16,774 And the cartridge is full of a deadly super-toxin called... 112 00:05:16,942 --> 00:05:18,773 Poizocaine. 113 00:05:18,944 --> 00:05:20,707 - Here. Keep it in here. - Uh... Hey, whoa. 114 00:05:20,879 --> 00:05:22,813 - Wait a minute. - But be careful. 115 00:05:22,981 --> 00:05:25,449 The cap slips off for, like, no reason. 116 00:05:25,617 --> 00:05:26,982 [HUMMING] 117 00:05:27,152 --> 00:05:28,676 Beep, beep, beep. 118 00:05:28,854 --> 00:05:30,515 Oh, you giving me the truck noise... 119 00:05:30,689 --> 00:05:34,090 - Karen Carpenter's stunt double? - I thought you were walking backwards. 120 00:05:34,259 --> 00:05:36,090 It's all the HSA switchover crap. 121 00:05:36,261 --> 00:05:39,492 I'm so over that lame flex account. When does the HSA start? 122 00:05:39,665 --> 00:05:41,997 When Cyril e-files these DD-14s. 123 00:05:42,167 --> 00:05:44,431 - Oh, Ms. Archer's taking care of those. - What? 124 00:05:44,603 --> 00:05:47,094 Cyril's off somewhere with Mr. Archer. 125 00:05:47,272 --> 00:05:49,763 I'm sorry, Cyril's off what? With whom? 126 00:05:49,942 --> 00:05:51,967 I think "somewhere" was the "what" there. 127 00:05:52,144 --> 00:05:55,113 - "Mr. Archer" was the "whom." - Worlds collide, huh? 128 00:05:55,280 --> 00:05:57,180 Inevitable for a serial workplace-dater. 129 00:05:57,349 --> 00:06:00,978 - Oh. Yeah. Call the kettle black. - Ugh. 130 00:06:01,153 --> 00:06:04,680 Did she just race-card me, or are you totally just gay for her? 131 00:06:04,856 --> 00:06:09,350 I'm the Human Resources Director, Little Miss Hostile Work Environment. 132 00:06:09,528 --> 00:06:11,088 [WHISPERING] She is riddled with herpes. 133 00:06:11,230 --> 00:06:14,722 Hey. Inappropriate workplace topic. 134 00:06:14,900 --> 00:06:16,868 And also a dealbreaker. 135 00:06:17,035 --> 00:06:19,060 - Lesson one: Human Intel... - Oh, shoot. 136 00:06:19,238 --> 00:06:21,502 - I forgot about the DD-14s. - Screw them. 137 00:06:21,673 --> 00:06:22,833 That's Mother's headache. 138 00:06:23,008 --> 00:06:25,909 You tell me, does it look like I'm allergic? 139 00:06:26,078 --> 00:06:29,411 - Jesus Jones, yes. - So when I asked for cucumber slices... 140 00:06:29,581 --> 00:06:31,845 which one of you idiots sent up zucchini? 141 00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:35,180 - That, well, that would be... - That would be Jane who did that. 142 00:06:35,354 --> 00:06:38,255 - Scatterbrain Jane? - I know, she's just a mess. 143 00:06:38,423 --> 00:06:40,584 - Because this is obviously zucchini. MALORY: Oh. 144 00:06:40,759 --> 00:06:44,593 You'd recognize a vegetable that wasn't wrapped in a Monte Cristo sandwich. 145 00:06:44,763 --> 00:06:46,594 What's that supposed to mean? 146 00:06:47,733 --> 00:06:49,758 That is Pam, isn't it? 147 00:06:49,935 --> 00:06:52,426 Okay, so, human intelligence entails? 148 00:06:52,604 --> 00:06:56,199 Well, there's false flags, dead-drops, drop-outs, cut-outs... 149 00:06:56,375 --> 00:06:59,071 active doubles, passive doubles, dangled moles... 150 00:06:59,244 --> 00:07:01,576 the often under-appreciated honeypot? 151 00:07:01,747 --> 00:07:02,867 - Wow. - One of my favorites. 152 00:07:02,948 --> 00:07:06,349 - That sounds like a lot to cover. - Yeah, so we may have to gloss over... 153 00:07:06,518 --> 00:07:08,213 almost all of it, but... 154 00:07:08,387 --> 00:07:10,480 - Aah! - Weapon. 155 00:07:10,656 --> 00:07:11,782 Oh. 156 00:07:11,957 --> 00:07:13,185 - Oh, hey hon. - Hey back. 157 00:07:13,358 --> 00:07:14,552 - Hello. - What's... 158 00:07:14,726 --> 00:07:16,455 - What's this? - Well, see... 159 00:07:16,628 --> 00:07:17,686 here's the thing... 160 00:07:17,863 --> 00:07:21,299 MALORY: Under no circumstance is Lana to know about our little... 161 00:07:21,466 --> 00:07:22,865 plan. 162 00:07:23,035 --> 00:07:24,297 - Here's what thing? - Okay. 163 00:07:24,469 --> 00:07:25,561 - Archer's DD-14. - Yeah. 164 00:07:25,737 --> 00:07:28,228 That we're on our way down to clear up with Jane. 165 00:07:28,407 --> 00:07:29,635 - Really? - Well... 166 00:07:29,808 --> 00:07:31,400 you know Scatterbrain Jane. Heh-heh. 167 00:07:31,576 --> 00:07:33,441 - You're cooking dinner later? - Yes, I am. 168 00:07:33,612 --> 00:07:34,874 - Yeah. - Yeah. 169 00:07:35,047 --> 00:07:36,981 Speargun? 170 00:07:37,316 --> 00:07:40,251 - Oh. I can't believe I just did that. - Yeah, dunce. 171 00:07:40,419 --> 00:07:41,750 Now Jane's a loose end. 172 00:07:42,587 --> 00:07:44,680 Hey, Jane. 173 00:07:44,856 --> 00:07:46,824 You getting a snack? 174 00:07:46,992 --> 00:07:49,893 Keep your story vague. That's lesson one. 175 00:07:50,062 --> 00:07:53,429 But, I mean, morality aside, how do you keep track of all these lies? 176 00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:58,592 Practice, Cyril. Lying is, like, 95 percent of what I do. 177 00:07:58,770 --> 00:07:59,930 - In your job. - Sure. 178 00:08:00,105 --> 00:08:02,369 It was pretty cool how you handled that speargun. 179 00:08:02,541 --> 00:08:05,101 - Yeah, it was pretty cool. - Will I get to learn karate? 180 00:08:05,277 --> 00:08:07,768 Karate? The Dane Cook of martial arts? 181 00:08:07,946 --> 00:08:10,608 - No. ISIS agents use Krav Maga. - Krav? 182 00:08:10,782 --> 00:08:13,046 We've got an ex-Mossad guy, he comes in Thursdays. 183 00:08:13,218 --> 00:08:16,517 - Neat. - Yeah. Tuesdays he does a spin class. 184 00:08:16,688 --> 00:08:19,851 - So will I need sweatpants? - Cyril. You need all new clothes. 185 00:08:20,025 --> 00:08:21,356 What's wrong with these? 186 00:08:21,526 --> 00:08:22,959 [LAUGHS] 187 00:08:24,863 --> 00:08:26,421 Sorry. 188 00:08:26,898 --> 00:08:28,559 Oh. 189 00:08:28,734 --> 00:08:30,702 I was laughing at your clothes. 190 00:08:33,472 --> 00:08:37,533 Wow, Archer, you were right. A tailored suit hangs so much better. 191 00:08:37,709 --> 00:08:39,802 ARCHER: That's because Woodhouse is a genius. 192 00:08:39,978 --> 00:08:42,970 Like so many other geniuses, unappreciated in his life... 193 00:08:43,148 --> 00:08:44,668 ARCHER: Shut up and hem, you old fruit. 194 00:08:44,816 --> 00:08:48,650 - Speaking of fruit, sir. - Oh, sorry. Heh-heh. 195 00:08:48,820 --> 00:08:51,584 - Cyril, check this out. CYRIL: Watch yourself. 196 00:08:52,290 --> 00:08:54,884 - Really? - Don't make it weird. It's your friend. 197 00:08:55,060 --> 00:08:57,290 - And so's this baby. CYRIL: Jeezy Petes. 198 00:08:57,462 --> 00:08:59,089 It's a Chekhov. Russian-made. 199 00:08:59,264 --> 00:09:02,165 - .25 caliber. - When would you use an underwear-gun? 200 00:09:02,334 --> 00:09:04,461 Hopefully never. But say you're... 201 00:09:04,636 --> 00:09:07,161 in a Caribbean bungalow and you're kind of high. 202 00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:09,569 An exotic woman on the bed... 203 00:09:09,741 --> 00:09:12,801 now is she just the high-priced whore you asked for? 204 00:09:12,978 --> 00:09:15,105 - Or is she an assassin? - I don't know. I... 205 00:09:15,280 --> 00:09:16,304 [DOORBELL RINGS] 206 00:09:16,481 --> 00:09:18,481 ARCHER: Here's room service. Who ordered champagne? 207 00:09:18,650 --> 00:09:20,128 CYRIL: How should I know. ARCHER: Exactly. 208 00:09:20,152 --> 00:09:21,483 You're baked, can't remember. 209 00:09:21,653 --> 00:09:24,417 Since when does it take three huge, surly Jamaican guys... 210 00:09:24,589 --> 00:09:26,989 to deliver one bottle of champagne? CYRIL: Oh. 211 00:09:27,159 --> 00:09:29,320 - Because they're assassins too. - Or... 212 00:09:29,494 --> 00:09:32,361 Maybe one guy's a new waiter, the second one's training him... 213 00:09:32,531 --> 00:09:36,058 and the third's from maintenance, finally off his lazy ass to fix the AC. 214 00:09:36,234 --> 00:09:37,826 Oh. Yeah, I guess that could happen. 215 00:09:38,003 --> 00:09:40,563 Point is, you come out of the john waving this around... 216 00:09:40,739 --> 00:09:42,832 nobody's gonna bug you for a tip. Here. 217 00:09:43,008 --> 00:09:45,374 - It's a gift. - Thanks, wow, that's slippery. 218 00:09:45,544 --> 00:09:49,139 And the safety's off so be careful, it could go off for, like... 219 00:09:49,314 --> 00:09:50,372 no reason. 220 00:09:50,549 --> 00:09:52,346 Now what're these pills? 221 00:09:52,517 --> 00:09:55,247 Oh, just antihistamines mostly. 222 00:09:55,420 --> 00:09:59,379 You just rest, Ms. Archer. We'll take care of these DD-14s for you. 223 00:09:59,558 --> 00:10:02,425 Damn right you will. Idiot. 224 00:10:02,594 --> 00:10:04,221 Pam, look at this. 225 00:10:04,396 --> 00:10:07,024 - Holy shitsnacks. - We have snacks? 226 00:10:07,199 --> 00:10:08,928 Everybody's personal medical records. 227 00:10:09,100 --> 00:10:11,534 - No, we can't be looking at this. MALORY: Are there snacks? 228 00:10:11,703 --> 00:10:12,931 It's totally confidential. 229 00:10:13,104 --> 00:10:14,833 It totally should be. Look at this. 230 00:10:15,006 --> 00:10:16,030 - Oh, my God. - Yeah. 231 00:10:16,208 --> 00:10:19,769 Cyril tried to get his plan to cover a penis ensmallment? 232 00:10:19,945 --> 00:10:23,472 - Who'd have thunk it? - I bet Agent Kane thunks it plenty. 233 00:10:23,648 --> 00:10:24,945 - You bet she does what? - Oh! 234 00:10:25,116 --> 00:10:26,413 I bet she, uh... Oh. 235 00:10:26,585 --> 00:10:28,553 - I got nothing. - That's what I thought. 236 00:10:28,720 --> 00:10:30,449 - You seen Cyril? MALORY: Is that Lana? 237 00:10:30,622 --> 00:10:32,180 Wow. What happened to you? 238 00:10:32,357 --> 00:10:35,554 Scatterbrain Jane, but let me just tell you, okay? 239 00:10:35,727 --> 00:10:38,025 You should be thankful you have Cyril. 240 00:10:38,196 --> 00:10:39,891 - Well... - For about 12 reasons. 241 00:10:40,065 --> 00:10:41,430 Well, thank you, Malory. 242 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:43,625 But if you don't mind, I'd prefer to keep... 243 00:10:43,802 --> 00:10:47,329 - my personal affairs out of the office. - Oh, please. 244 00:10:47,506 --> 00:10:50,168 She's had more pens in that company ink than... 245 00:10:50,342 --> 00:10:52,572 - a pen store. - CHERYL: And yet... 246 00:10:53,745 --> 00:10:54,973 does not have herpes. 247 00:10:55,146 --> 00:10:59,105 - Dealunbreaker. - Ugh. 248 00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:01,844 What's the matter, baby? Afraid you'll catch something? 249 00:11:02,020 --> 00:11:05,421 No, it's not that. I've just never been this close to a... 250 00:11:05,590 --> 00:11:07,615 Call girl. It's not an insult, Cyril. 251 00:11:07,792 --> 00:11:09,589 Trinette takes pride in her work. 252 00:11:09,761 --> 00:11:10,853 - I really do. - Okay. 253 00:11:11,029 --> 00:11:12,428 - So come on budge in. - Uhn. 254 00:11:12,597 --> 00:11:15,293 - Gosh, yeah. - Now that's not so bad, is it? 255 00:11:15,467 --> 00:11:17,594 - Ha-ha-ha. - No. That feels pretty good. 256 00:11:17,769 --> 00:11:20,761 - I can tell. You are gifted. - Okay. 257 00:11:20,939 --> 00:11:23,271 - God, it's just his gun, Trinette. CYRIL: Sorry. 258 00:11:23,441 --> 00:11:25,033 Bet this seems pretty weird. 259 00:11:25,210 --> 00:11:27,678 Oh, please. The sick shit I've done in this apartment? 260 00:11:27,846 --> 00:11:29,905 - Okay. - And that wasn't all gun, neither. 261 00:11:30,081 --> 00:11:31,173 Ha-ha. No, ma'am. 262 00:11:31,349 --> 00:11:34,876 Hey, can you two focus? Please? Woodhouse. Are you ready, or what? 263 00:11:35,053 --> 00:11:38,887 Yes, quite ready sir. Though not entirely willing. 264 00:11:39,057 --> 00:11:42,288 - Yeah, and I don't know if I am, either... - Could have fooled me. 265 00:11:42,460 --> 00:11:43,620 - ARCHER: Hey. - Oh, Trinette. 266 00:11:43,662 --> 00:11:45,493 It's perfectly safe. You're tangoing... 267 00:11:45,664 --> 00:11:48,895 then your trained field agent eyes spot two threats. 268 00:11:49,067 --> 00:11:51,501 But they're not trained. We haven't done this yet. 269 00:11:51,670 --> 00:11:53,467 This is how you train them. So. 270 00:11:53,638 --> 00:11:56,266 - You spot your first threat. Woodhouse. - Ooh. Hoo. 271 00:11:56,441 --> 00:11:57,881 - My knees aren't... - Bam, bam, bam. 272 00:11:58,209 --> 00:12:01,235 You put him down. But just shoot the pad, not Woodhouse. 273 00:12:01,413 --> 00:12:03,173 - Like, actually shoot the gun? ARCHER: Then. 274 00:12:03,248 --> 00:12:05,512 How else are you gonna learn? Okay, he's down... 275 00:12:05,684 --> 00:12:07,948 just the pad. Then you see the second threat. 276 00:12:08,119 --> 00:12:10,587 Oh, no, you're out of ammo. What are you gonna do? 277 00:12:10,755 --> 00:12:12,416 Oh, that's where the turn comes in? 278 00:12:12,591 --> 00:12:14,183 Duh. Woodhouse. Get in position. 279 00:12:14,359 --> 00:12:16,156 I really need a better health plan. 280 00:12:16,328 --> 00:12:20,389 Shut up. Weapon is hot and live fire exercise... 281 00:12:20,565 --> 00:12:23,056 in five, six, seven, eight. 282 00:12:23,935 --> 00:12:27,837 Tango, tango, tango. Scan the ballroom of the Cuban embassy... 283 00:12:28,006 --> 00:12:30,065 for the agent you're supposed to meet. 284 00:12:30,241 --> 00:12:33,074 You're just some Canadian dude down here on business... 285 00:12:33,244 --> 00:12:35,678 - and threat. Woodhouse. - Yes. 286 00:12:35,847 --> 00:12:37,405 - Cyril. Shoot. - Oh, oh. 287 00:12:37,582 --> 00:12:40,016 - Aah! - Shoot, bitch. Democracy's at stake. 288 00:12:40,185 --> 00:12:43,154 - Oh! Take that, forces of evil. - Heh. Ooh. 289 00:12:43,588 --> 00:12:45,783 - Whoa. - Way to go, baby. You hit it. 290 00:12:45,957 --> 00:12:48,255 Yeah. I did, didn't I? 291 00:12:48,426 --> 00:12:50,266 - Second threat. - Oh. Right, I forgot about... 292 00:12:50,428 --> 00:12:51,918 - Second threat. - CYRIL: Jesus. 293 00:12:52,430 --> 00:12:55,092 - Ow! Christ on sale. CYRIL: Jesus. 294 00:12:55,266 --> 00:12:57,393 Yeah, Cyril. That was totally ninja. 295 00:12:57,569 --> 00:13:00,436 No, Archer. That was totally uncool. 296 00:13:00,605 --> 00:13:02,095 Sorry, Trinette, did that hurt? 297 00:13:02,273 --> 00:13:05,106 Yeah, it fricking hurt, idiot. It's ice. 298 00:13:05,276 --> 00:13:08,609 - Okay, we'll use grapes. - We've only lingonberries, sir. 299 00:13:08,780 --> 00:13:10,441 Ballistically similar to grapes? 300 00:13:10,615 --> 00:13:14,073 Screw your grapes and screw your whatever-berries, I am out of here. 301 00:13:14,252 --> 00:13:16,720 - No, wait. Trinette, please, I... - Spying ass bastards. 302 00:13:16,888 --> 00:13:19,448 - Please my fat Irish ass. Ow! - Ooh. 303 00:13:19,624 --> 00:13:21,455 What the hell's in your freaking pocket? 304 00:13:21,626 --> 00:13:22,957 Um... 305 00:13:23,395 --> 00:13:25,124 - Ha. - Oh. Oh. 306 00:13:25,296 --> 00:13:27,230 I don't feel so good. 307 00:13:27,399 --> 00:13:28,798 [CELL PHONE RINGING] 308 00:13:28,967 --> 00:13:30,332 CYRIL: Me neither. 309 00:13:30,502 --> 00:13:33,266 And voicemail again. Huh. 310 00:13:33,438 --> 00:13:37,465 So, it's me. Duh. And did you say you'd cook, or did I mishear that? 311 00:13:37,642 --> 00:13:41,339 I know I misheard you about Jane, because turns out, I ran into her. 312 00:13:42,247 --> 00:13:44,477 Hey, Jane. 313 00:13:44,649 --> 00:13:46,810 You getting a tampon? 314 00:13:46,985 --> 00:13:48,179 Yeah. Loose end. 315 00:13:48,353 --> 00:13:50,617 But I'm sure you had a good reason to lie to me... 316 00:13:50,789 --> 00:13:53,053 so can't wait to hear what it was. 317 00:13:53,324 --> 00:13:56,487 - Oh, my God, you killed a hooker. - Call girl. 318 00:13:56,661 --> 00:13:57,753 - She was a... - No, Cyril. 319 00:13:57,929 --> 00:13:59,829 When they're dead they're just hookers. 320 00:13:59,998 --> 00:14:03,365 God, I said the cap slips off the poison pen for no reason. 321 00:14:03,535 --> 00:14:05,162 I know, but I just assumed... 322 00:14:05,336 --> 00:14:06,928 that if anything bad happened... 323 00:14:07,105 --> 00:14:11,769 No. Do not say the Chekhov gun, Cyril. That, sir, is a facile argument. 324 00:14:11,943 --> 00:14:13,968 And also woefully esoteric. 325 00:14:14,145 --> 00:14:15,874 - Woodhouse. - Fetching a rug, sir. 326 00:14:16,047 --> 00:14:18,675 Now he's fetching a rug. Happy, Cyril? 327 00:14:18,850 --> 00:14:20,681 No. No, I'm not happy. 328 00:14:20,852 --> 00:14:22,649 Well, guess what. Me neither. 329 00:14:22,821 --> 00:14:26,484 I mean, big picture, I wouldn't say I'm a happy person. 330 00:14:26,658 --> 00:14:28,853 Sir. I have fetched the rug. 331 00:14:29,027 --> 00:14:30,824 Plus now I'm out a rug. 332 00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:36,459 Oh, God. I should never have agreed to this. 333 00:14:36,634 --> 00:14:39,899 You and your stupid mother and her stupid frothing loins. 334 00:14:40,071 --> 00:14:44,633 Hey. I know you're upset, but if you ever mention my mother's loins... 335 00:14:44,809 --> 00:14:46,868 or their frothiness, to me again... 336 00:14:47,045 --> 00:14:50,913 I don't know what I'll do, but it will be bad. 337 00:14:52,250 --> 00:14:55,014 Now let's go bury this dead hooker. 338 00:14:56,588 --> 00:14:58,579 Shirt tails. We need a password. 339 00:14:58,757 --> 00:15:00,197 - Hang on a second. MALORY: Ha-ha-ha. 340 00:15:00,291 --> 00:15:01,485 How you doing, Ms. Archer? 341 00:15:01,659 --> 00:15:03,092 I am good. 342 00:15:03,261 --> 00:15:05,855 - Okay, try... Okay, try "guest." MALORY: Real good. 343 00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:08,863 Well, that's just idi... Oh, my God. 344 00:15:09,033 --> 00:15:13,367 I know, right? So here let's make the co-pay zero, and the deductible... 345 00:15:13,538 --> 00:15:15,529 - Super high, right? - No, low. 346 00:15:15,707 --> 00:15:17,607 You want the lowest deductible. 347 00:15:17,776 --> 00:15:20,108 But don't you deduct it on your taxes or something? 348 00:15:20,278 --> 00:15:21,575 - Wow. - So you want more? 349 00:15:21,746 --> 00:15:23,373 And people think Jane's stupid. 350 00:15:23,548 --> 00:15:26,108 Speaking of, it's probably better... 351 00:15:26,284 --> 00:15:28,878 if Jane was the last one to log in. 352 00:15:29,053 --> 00:15:31,749 You are a bitch. 353 00:15:31,923 --> 00:15:33,288 I am not. What? 354 00:15:33,458 --> 00:15:37,224 Because I don't want Sterling to end up with a woman like Lana Kane? 355 00:15:37,395 --> 00:15:39,454 My God, a black... 356 00:15:39,631 --> 00:15:41,724 ops field agent? 357 00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:44,926 Thought she was going in a whole other direction with that. 358 00:15:45,103 --> 00:15:47,537 Because let me tell you, I was black ops. 359 00:15:47,705 --> 00:15:52,301 And that does not for a young boy a very merry Christmas make. 360 00:15:52,477 --> 00:15:55,640 Ajax a success, Teheran is ours, stop. 361 00:15:55,814 --> 00:15:59,272 Merry X-mas from Mommy and Uncle Kermit, stop. 362 00:15:59,450 --> 00:16:02,783 Also, be nicer to Woodhouse, stop. 363 00:16:02,954 --> 00:16:06,412 - You made up the last part, didn't you? - I did, sir. 364 00:16:06,691 --> 00:16:07,715 Douche. 365 00:16:07,892 --> 00:16:09,883 - Oh, my God. - I know, right? 366 00:16:10,061 --> 00:16:13,121 This is the most kickass health plan ever. 367 00:16:13,298 --> 00:16:15,562 And I think I just had a flashback, so... 368 00:16:15,733 --> 00:16:18,930 these antihistamines are insane. 369 00:16:19,103 --> 00:16:23,005 Oh, I'm crazy? Cyril, you're the one who killed a perfectly good hooker. 370 00:16:23,174 --> 00:16:25,233 By accident. We could explain. 371 00:16:25,410 --> 00:16:27,571 To who, Cyril? The cops? Lana? 372 00:16:27,745 --> 00:16:30,578 She'd never forgive me. Archer, my life is ruined. 373 00:16:30,748 --> 00:16:32,375 And all because Mother cooked up... 374 00:16:32,550 --> 00:16:34,381 - this stupid plan... - But I just... 375 00:16:34,552 --> 00:16:37,612 to make you an agent just to impress Lana. Ironic, isn't it? 376 00:16:37,789 --> 00:16:39,654 I'm not sure that's technically irony. 377 00:16:39,824 --> 00:16:44,056 What? This is like O. Henry and Alanis Morissette had a baby... 378 00:16:44,229 --> 00:16:46,754 and named it this exact situation. 379 00:16:46,931 --> 00:16:48,057 - No, it's... - Yes, it is. 380 00:16:48,233 --> 00:16:51,930 Because a man like you, Cyril, doesn't deserve a woman like Lana. 381 00:16:52,103 --> 00:16:53,229 You... 382 00:16:53,404 --> 00:16:58,273 You butthole. You set this all up, just to drive me and Lana apart. 383 00:16:59,477 --> 00:17:01,377 - Well? - Screw you, Archer. 384 00:17:01,546 --> 00:17:04,071 Hey. Hostile work environment. 385 00:17:04,249 --> 00:17:07,582 Exactly. And I'm gonna file a hostile work environment lawsuit... 386 00:17:07,752 --> 00:17:10,448 against you, and your mother, and ISIS, and... 387 00:17:10,922 --> 00:17:12,617 What? Who the hell is that? 388 00:17:12,790 --> 00:17:15,190 - Your confederates in Operation Butthole. - Cyril. 389 00:17:15,360 --> 00:17:17,624 - Those aren't my confederates. - Well, nice try... 390 00:17:17,795 --> 00:17:19,456 but Cyril Figgis ain't buying it. 391 00:17:19,631 --> 00:17:22,156 - You hear that? I ain't buying it. - Cyril. 392 00:17:22,767 --> 00:17:24,701 CYRIL: Oh, my God. ARCHER: How about now, Cyril? 393 00:17:24,869 --> 00:17:26,837 Are you feeling ready to buy? 394 00:17:29,374 --> 00:17:30,864 To Scatterbrain Jane. 395 00:17:31,042 --> 00:17:33,306 And to plan-covered elective surgery. 396 00:17:33,478 --> 00:17:36,311 And the boob job. That you so need. 397 00:17:36,481 --> 00:17:39,041 And the ass-reduction you so need. 398 00:17:39,217 --> 00:17:40,775 And the skinny-bitch-ectomy you need. 399 00:17:40,952 --> 00:17:41,976 [GUNFIRE IN DISTANCE] 400 00:17:42,153 --> 00:17:44,473 - Oh, my God, did you hear that? - What do you think it is? 401 00:17:44,555 --> 00:17:46,420 Immigrants. That's how they do, you know? 402 00:17:46,591 --> 00:17:50,584 Just drive around, listening to raps and shooting all the jobs. 403 00:17:51,996 --> 00:17:54,123 - Then who are those guys? - How should I know? 404 00:17:54,299 --> 00:17:58,565 KGB, the Stasi, Shining Path, this guy I know named Popeye? 405 00:17:58,736 --> 00:17:59,828 I have enemies, okay? 406 00:18:00,004 --> 00:18:01,995 - That's because no one likes you. - What? 407 00:18:02,173 --> 00:18:03,902 Seriously, do you not sense that? 408 00:18:04,075 --> 00:18:06,669 I am a product of my upbringing, Cyril. 409 00:18:06,844 --> 00:18:08,243 Well, I was a single mother. 410 00:18:08,413 --> 00:18:11,746 And it's a big dangerous world out there. 411 00:18:12,183 --> 00:18:14,242 Are you idiots still even here? 412 00:18:14,419 --> 00:18:16,046 So why aren't you better at this? 413 00:18:16,220 --> 00:18:19,587 I am the best at this, Rain Man, okay? I'm like... 414 00:18:19,757 --> 00:18:21,384 CYRIL: Who? James Bond? 415 00:18:21,559 --> 00:18:23,686 Well, I don't like to invite that comparison. 416 00:18:23,861 --> 00:18:26,022 - But yeah, basically. - So do something. 417 00:18:26,197 --> 00:18:29,598 I'm doing all kinds of stuff, Cyril. I'm shooting the gun, see? 418 00:18:29,767 --> 00:18:32,292 - I'm driving the car. - I could drive better than that. 419 00:18:32,470 --> 00:18:34,438 So knock yourself out. I'm ejecting. 420 00:18:34,605 --> 00:18:36,470 - No, you are not. - Yes, I am totally am. 421 00:18:36,641 --> 00:18:38,108 - Stop it. No. - No. 422 00:18:38,276 --> 00:18:41,541 - Grenades in the glove box. - Drive me and the hooker to safety or... 423 00:18:41,713 --> 00:18:43,180 - LANA: Excuse me. - Lana? 424 00:18:43,348 --> 00:18:45,816 Yeah, I'm looking for two guys. 425 00:18:45,984 --> 00:18:48,316 They're on their way to the morgue? 426 00:18:51,122 --> 00:18:53,022 - Great. - Archer, what am I gonna tell her? 427 00:18:53,191 --> 00:18:56,024 Well, if you learned anything today, it won't be the truth. 428 00:18:56,294 --> 00:18:59,092 I don't care if you have 50 dead hookers in the trunk... 429 00:18:59,263 --> 00:19:00,594 you lied to me. 430 00:19:00,765 --> 00:19:02,255 Did not learn anything. 431 00:19:02,433 --> 00:19:05,493 - Well, you shot a machine gun at me. - Around you. 432 00:19:05,670 --> 00:19:07,433 - Because my feelings were hurt. - Well... 433 00:19:07,605 --> 00:19:09,163 Why on earth would you lie to me? 434 00:19:09,340 --> 00:19:11,240 I just wanted to show you I could be... 435 00:19:11,409 --> 00:19:13,775 a supercool ISIS field agent like Archer, but... 436 00:19:13,945 --> 00:19:16,505 But baby, don't you know I... 437 00:19:16,681 --> 00:19:18,808 like you so much... 438 00:19:18,983 --> 00:19:21,474 because you're exactly the opposite of Archer? 439 00:19:21,652 --> 00:19:24,587 - Well, yeah, but... - Not to mention your other qualities. 440 00:19:24,756 --> 00:19:27,748 Oh, you are such a naughty Nelly. 441 00:19:27,925 --> 00:19:31,793 - He just gets a pass? Like Milton Berle? CYRIL: Yep. 442 00:19:32,463 --> 00:19:34,988 Hey, so how did you know where I was? 443 00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:37,095 When we first started going out... 444 00:19:37,268 --> 00:19:40,260 I may have injected a tracking device into your body. 445 00:19:40,438 --> 00:19:43,066 In my body? No, no. Now, that is a breach of trust, Lana. 446 00:19:43,241 --> 00:19:46,176 Do you really wanna open this can of trust-breachy worms... 447 00:19:46,344 --> 00:19:50,713 right after I caught you and my ex-boyfriend with a hooker in the trunk? 448 00:19:51,416 --> 00:19:52,781 - I do not. - You do not. 449 00:19:52,950 --> 00:19:56,852 Oh, and Archer, how's this for ironic? 450 00:19:57,455 --> 00:20:01,448 You know what? I don't have a "one to some other number of douche-bags" scale. 451 00:20:01,626 --> 00:20:04,891 So, six? Oh, my God, Trinette. 452 00:20:05,063 --> 00:20:07,554 Yeah, Trinette, you shitass. 453 00:20:07,732 --> 00:20:09,791 - So you know you have to be punished. - Yes. 454 00:20:09,967 --> 00:20:12,026 You're gonna walk into our video store... 455 00:20:12,203 --> 00:20:13,670 With the sweet old Korean lady. 456 00:20:13,838 --> 00:20:18,036 And buy the nastiest, barebackinest, hard dickinest, ball splapiest... 457 00:20:18,209 --> 00:20:20,370 interracial porno in there. 458 00:20:20,545 --> 00:20:22,137 From the sweet old Korean lady? 459 00:20:22,313 --> 00:20:24,474 Yep. How you feel about that? 460 00:20:24,649 --> 00:20:28,210 - Like I got off pretty easy. - Night ain't over yet. 461 00:20:28,386 --> 00:20:30,411 - Throw me in a trunk? - Not part of the plan. 462 00:20:30,588 --> 00:20:32,613 Inject me with some crazy spy poison? 463 00:20:32,790 --> 00:20:35,190 - It was just a harmless tranquilizer. - You shitass. 464 00:20:35,359 --> 00:20:38,556 I mean, let's be honest, I doubt that's the first needle you ever... 465 00:20:38,729 --> 00:20:41,254 - Ow! - I never. Give me your wallet. 466 00:20:41,432 --> 00:20:42,524 I already paid you. 467 00:20:42,700 --> 00:20:46,431 File a customer service complaint. I'm sure Popeye'd love to hear it. 468 00:20:46,604 --> 00:20:49,038 Hey, come on, you wouldn't tell Popeye. 469 00:20:49,207 --> 00:20:50,572 Oh, watch me. 470 00:20:50,741 --> 00:20:53,369 - Oh. Give me your watch. - You know how much this thing costs? 471 00:20:53,544 --> 00:20:55,444 Probably less than a new set of kneecaps. 472 00:20:55,613 --> 00:20:58,673 - There. Happy? - Almost. 473 00:21:01,085 --> 00:21:04,077 You know, I bet there's a lesson to be learned from all this. 474 00:21:04,255 --> 00:21:07,554 But I... Oh, shit, my rug.