1 00:00:01,686 --> 00:00:04,280 Sterling Archer. 2 00:00:04,455 --> 00:00:07,856 Code name Duchess. 3 00:00:08,526 --> 00:00:09,550 Hm. 4 00:00:09,727 --> 00:00:16,360 Known from Berlin to Bangkok as the world's most dangerous spy. 5 00:00:16,534 --> 00:00:19,025 So for us, this is... How you say? 6 00:00:20,337 --> 00:00:22,271 A good get. 7 00:00:22,440 --> 00:00:25,000 But not so good for you, Mr. Archer. 8 00:00:25,176 --> 00:00:28,407 Because you have information that I want. 9 00:00:28,579 --> 00:00:30,513 And this may be old cliché... 10 00:00:32,850 --> 00:00:36,377 but we have ways of making you talk. 11 00:00:37,388 --> 00:00:38,980 What? Your little go-cart battery? 12 00:00:39,156 --> 00:00:40,384 - Golf cart. - Whatever. 13 00:00:40,558 --> 00:00:43,254 - Would you pick an accent and stick with it? - Listen here... 14 00:00:43,427 --> 00:00:46,658 Son of a bitch. - Now you did it. 15 00:00:51,368 --> 00:00:54,826 - What is the point of these simulations... - Krenshaw's arousal? 16 00:00:55,005 --> 00:00:57,337 If you don't take them seriously? 17 00:00:57,508 --> 00:01:00,443 How can I? Between his lame accent and the go-cart battery... 18 00:01:00,611 --> 00:01:01,839 - Golf cart. - Shut up. 19 00:01:02,012 --> 00:01:03,707 And speaking of lame, my code name... 20 00:01:03,881 --> 00:01:06,873 Was chosen at random by the ISIS computer. 21 00:01:07,051 --> 00:01:08,916 Random? It was your dog's name. 22 00:01:09,086 --> 00:01:10,644 Oh, Duchess. 23 00:01:12,089 --> 00:01:14,148 I loved her so much. 24 00:01:14,325 --> 00:01:15,815 That it was creepy and pathetic? 25 00:01:15,993 --> 00:01:18,427 And if you were half as smart as she was... 26 00:01:18,596 --> 00:01:21,360 She wasn't too smart to die from eating chocolate, was she? 27 00:01:21,532 --> 00:01:22,760 Exercise terminated. 28 00:01:22,933 --> 00:01:26,198 - All right, that's lunch then. - Agent performance unsatisfactory. 29 00:01:26,370 --> 00:01:28,804 Oh, come on... At worst, that was "needs improvement." 30 00:01:28,973 --> 00:01:30,031 - Jesus, Archer. - What? 31 00:01:30,207 --> 00:01:33,199 - You think this is a game? - No, I think Jenga is a game. 32 00:01:33,377 --> 00:01:34,901 What if I'd been real KGB? 33 00:01:35,079 --> 00:01:38,207 I assume you'd try to suck a promotion out of some Russian guy's cock. 34 00:01:38,382 --> 00:01:40,350 - Maybe I never get promoted... - Never will. 35 00:01:40,518 --> 00:01:42,349 Because my mommy's not the boss. 36 00:01:42,520 --> 00:01:45,045 And maybe you just got your face kicked off. 37 00:01:45,222 --> 00:01:48,191 That is my foot in your face. Smell the embarrass... 38 00:01:48,359 --> 00:01:50,156 Ow, oh! 39 00:01:50,961 --> 00:01:52,394 Mother, did you see that? 40 00:01:53,531 --> 00:01:55,192 Mother. 41 00:01:55,733 --> 00:01:57,291 Mother. 42 00:02:40,744 --> 00:02:42,871 Leave a message at the tone. 43 00:02:43,247 --> 00:02:45,306 Um... Tone. 44 00:02:45,482 --> 00:02:49,145 This is Four-Five-Six Laundry. Your shirts are ready... for a week. 45 00:02:49,320 --> 00:02:51,288 Oh, no. 46 00:02:51,455 --> 00:02:52,820 - Good morning. - Hey, you. 47 00:02:52,990 --> 00:02:54,514 I'm so hungry. 48 00:02:54,692 --> 00:02:57,923 Just give me five minutes on my backhand then we'll see if there's a... 49 00:02:58,095 --> 00:03:02,259 - Is that a dog? Is it a dog? - Oui, that is Abelard. 50 00:03:02,433 --> 00:03:04,196 Oh, adorable. Now get the hell out of here. 51 00:03:04,368 --> 00:03:06,495 But you promised me breakfast. 52 00:03:06,670 --> 00:03:09,696 You want breakfast? Try the diner. You're obviously into Greek. 53 00:03:11,208 --> 00:03:12,470 Get it? 54 00:03:13,844 --> 00:03:14,868 Thank you, Abelard. 55 00:03:15,045 --> 00:03:16,842 - It's a short list, Woodhouse. Yes, sir. 56 00:03:17,014 --> 00:03:20,108 - Things we don't allow in. What are they? - Dogs and your mother. 57 00:03:20,284 --> 00:03:22,650 - That's a very short list, isn't it? - Yes... 58 00:03:22,820 --> 00:03:25,015 but you were quite insistent... - What was I? 59 00:03:25,189 --> 00:03:27,020 That an exception be made. 60 00:03:27,191 --> 00:03:32,219 No, no, no, because forget the dog rule, because this pug is amazing. 61 00:03:32,396 --> 00:03:34,023 Watch this. Abergard, go. 62 00:03:35,799 --> 00:03:37,198 Do you not hear that? 63 00:03:37,701 --> 00:03:39,692 That's "Puttin' on the Ritz," man. 64 00:03:39,870 --> 00:03:41,861 - I'm always insistent, Woodhouse. - Yes, sir. 65 00:03:42,039 --> 00:03:44,007 - But I'm not to be trusted, am I? - No, sir. 66 00:03:44,174 --> 00:03:46,574 Stop. Shut up. I have to go. 67 00:03:46,744 --> 00:03:49,577 But if I find one single dog hair when I get back... 68 00:03:49,747 --> 00:03:52,011 I'll rub sand in your dead little eyes. 69 00:03:52,182 --> 00:03:54,309 Very good, sir. 70 00:03:54,852 --> 00:03:56,820 - I also need you to go buy sand. - Yes, sir. 71 00:03:56,987 --> 00:03:58,716 I don't know if they grade it but... 72 00:04:01,225 --> 00:04:02,385 Coarse. 73 00:04:09,266 --> 00:04:12,929 One entire whole week we've been calling you. 74 00:04:13,103 --> 00:04:14,127 Highly unprofessional. 75 00:04:14,305 --> 00:04:17,365 Really? Because I find your sweatiness unprofessional. 76 00:04:17,841 --> 00:04:19,331 So we have something in common. 77 00:04:19,510 --> 00:04:22,445 Besides the fact that now both of our shirts reek of curry. 78 00:04:22,613 --> 00:04:26,276 - And when will you settle your account? - When will you buy some dress shields? 79 00:04:26,450 --> 00:04:31,251 - This is not a dress. - Are you serious? That's not a dress? 80 00:04:32,990 --> 00:04:35,185 Oh, God, with the curry again. 81 00:04:35,359 --> 00:04:38,089 This shirt smells like Indira Gandhi's thong. 82 00:04:41,598 --> 00:04:44,396 - Hey, you wanna smell something? - Swear to God, Mr. Archer... 83 00:04:44,568 --> 00:04:46,866 I have H.R. On speed dial. - Shut up. 84 00:04:47,538 --> 00:04:49,369 Hey, Krieger, you gotta smell this. 85 00:04:50,074 --> 00:04:52,269 Krieger? Huh. 86 00:04:52,910 --> 00:04:54,434 You geeks wanna smell something? 87 00:04:54,611 --> 00:04:57,307 - Archer, get the hell out. - What is it with you people? 88 00:04:57,481 --> 00:05:00,075 Try to include people in your life and then you... Lana. 89 00:05:00,250 --> 00:05:02,582 Hey. Hey, what does this smell like? 90 00:05:02,753 --> 00:05:06,883 Like the dysfunctional asshole I broke up with six months ago. 91 00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:09,454 Oh, my God. You're amazing. 92 00:05:09,626 --> 00:05:11,093 You are amazing, sweet stuff. 93 00:05:11,261 --> 00:05:13,695 Wanna do it again and put on some interracial porn? 94 00:05:13,864 --> 00:05:17,857 God, it's like my brain's that tree, and you're those little cookie elves. 95 00:05:19,236 --> 00:05:20,260 Just a second. 96 00:05:20,437 --> 00:05:23,565 - No, baby, don't answer that. - I have to. Sorry, it's Mother. 97 00:05:23,741 --> 00:05:26,175 - Mother, hey. Just a second. - I cannot believe you. 98 00:05:26,343 --> 00:05:29,540 No, turn it on. I can do both. 99 00:05:30,481 --> 00:05:33,575 - What? - So don't speak to me, ever. 100 00:05:33,751 --> 00:05:37,585 And while you're not ever speaking to me, jump up your own ass and die. 101 00:05:37,755 --> 00:05:40,690 Oh, rea... After all that H.R. Mediation. Really? 102 00:05:40,858 --> 00:05:42,985 - Yup. - After all the hard work Pam did. 103 00:05:43,160 --> 00:05:44,525 - Is that Archer? - Goddamn it. 104 00:05:44,695 --> 00:05:46,026 - Archer, hey. - Go away. 105 00:05:46,196 --> 00:05:48,187 - About your operations account... - Not... 106 00:05:48,365 --> 00:05:49,923 - Cyril, not now. - Yes, now. 107 00:05:50,100 --> 00:05:52,591 - Not a good time. - You've got serious discrepancies... 108 00:05:52,770 --> 00:05:54,431 in your account. - No, Cyril. 109 00:05:54,605 --> 00:05:58,371 I'm sure you wouldn't use operational funds for personal expenses. 110 00:06:02,012 --> 00:06:03,377 Come on, 22 black. 111 00:06:03,547 --> 00:06:06,015 Twenty-two black. Twenty-two. 112 00:06:06,183 --> 00:06:08,845 Black. Ass. Son of a bitch. Heh. 113 00:06:09,586 --> 00:06:14,353 Not you, giant African man. I'm sorry. Can I offer you a drink? 114 00:06:14,525 --> 00:06:16,857 How about this expensive prostitute? 115 00:06:17,027 --> 00:06:19,291 That is a very serious implication, Cyril. 116 00:06:19,463 --> 00:06:21,055 Well, so is embezzlement. 117 00:06:21,231 --> 00:06:25,292 Yeah? Well, so is the fact that you, some crazy-how, are screwing my ex. 118 00:06:25,469 --> 00:06:27,733 - Archer, please. That's private. - Not calm enough? 119 00:06:27,905 --> 00:06:29,896 You all know about Cyril and Lana, right? 120 00:06:30,074 --> 00:06:33,373 Of course, because if Pam knows, then everybody knows... 121 00:06:33,544 --> 00:06:36,536 because of Pam's huge mouth. Right, Pam? 122 00:06:36,713 --> 00:06:40,809 H.R. Mediations are supposed to be confidential, Pam, you manatee. 123 00:06:41,819 --> 00:06:45,016 - And as for you, Cyril, good day, sir. - Archer. 124 00:06:45,189 --> 00:06:48,317 Hey, wait. What about your account? Oh, I get it. 125 00:06:48,492 --> 00:06:50,357 Classic misdirection. 126 00:06:52,596 --> 00:06:55,360 No, don't. You're so ugly when you cry. 127 00:06:55,866 --> 00:06:57,060 - Mr. Archer. - I'm fine. 128 00:06:57,234 --> 00:06:59,259 Is she in or out eating a baby? 129 00:06:59,436 --> 00:07:02,098 - You stood me up again last night. - Last...? 130 00:07:02,272 --> 00:07:05,503 Oh, yeah. Oh, my. What happened was... 131 00:07:05,676 --> 00:07:09,510 Did you see Brian's Song? Same thing pretty much happened. 132 00:07:10,414 --> 00:07:14,043 I helped a guy with cancer. Look, I'm really sorry, Carol, but I couldn't... 133 00:07:14,218 --> 00:07:15,276 It's Cheryl. 134 00:07:15,452 --> 00:07:18,387 I know, Ca... Cheryl. So to make it up to you... 135 00:07:20,257 --> 00:07:21,884 - I'm ready. ...could you buzz me in? 136 00:07:22,059 --> 00:07:25,426 Ugh. Is that all you have to say? 137 00:07:27,531 --> 00:07:28,896 Yes. 138 00:07:30,467 --> 00:07:32,196 Now tell me again how... 139 00:07:32,369 --> 00:07:35,099 No, not that part. Go back. Yes. 140 00:07:35,439 --> 00:07:39,808 The pepper. Oh, yes, God. Oh, God. 141 00:07:39,977 --> 00:07:42,445 Oh, goddamn it. 142 00:07:42,613 --> 00:07:44,604 What the hell are you doing? 143 00:07:44,781 --> 00:07:45,907 What are you doing? 144 00:07:46,083 --> 00:07:48,415 L... I'm... 145 00:07:48,585 --> 00:07:52,180 For your information, I've just been reviewing your operations account. 146 00:07:52,356 --> 00:07:54,483 - No. No. No. - Yes. Yes. 147 00:07:54,658 --> 00:07:55,989 - Yes. Yes. - No. No. 148 00:07:56,160 --> 00:07:57,957 And it makes for fascinating reading. 149 00:07:58,128 --> 00:07:59,652 - No. - Let's see. 150 00:07:59,830 --> 00:08:02,560 You turned in an expense report from Berlin... 151 00:08:02,733 --> 00:08:05,167 where the German desk says you never checked in. 152 00:08:05,335 --> 00:08:07,633 - Oh, Berlin was... - Ditto Buenos Aires. 153 00:08:07,804 --> 00:08:09,601 - Too busy to check in? - There was... Yeah. 154 00:08:09,773 --> 00:08:10,797 Already off to Monaco? 155 00:08:10,974 --> 00:08:13,943 - I'm spying. - Or was it Mallorca? Oh. 156 00:08:14,111 --> 00:08:17,012 - Or Tunis? - Tunis kind of rings a bell. 157 00:08:17,181 --> 00:08:19,775 ISIS isn't your own personal travel agency. 158 00:08:19,950 --> 00:08:24,114 It doesn't exist just so you can jet off to Whore Island. 159 00:08:24,288 --> 00:08:26,620 That's not a real place. 160 00:08:26,790 --> 00:08:30,419 I have 50 agents who'd literally kill to move up to your position. 161 00:08:30,594 --> 00:08:33,324 If you don't square your operations account by Monday... 162 00:08:33,497 --> 00:08:36,762 they won't need to. Your position will be vacant. 163 00:08:37,367 --> 00:08:40,598 - Sterling. - Hm? Sorry. I was picturing Whore Island. 164 00:08:40,771 --> 00:08:42,033 Have I made myself clear? 165 00:08:42,206 --> 00:08:44,800 Are you...? You're looking for the answer "yes"? 166 00:08:44,975 --> 00:08:46,408 - Yes. Good. - Then, yes. 167 00:08:46,577 --> 00:08:47,601 Then get out. 168 00:08:47,778 --> 00:08:50,144 And for God's sake, take a shower. 169 00:08:50,314 --> 00:08:51,941 Smells like a whorehouse in here. 170 00:08:52,115 --> 00:08:53,377 Okay. Your own fingers. 171 00:08:53,550 --> 00:08:55,142 - Hm? - Nothing. 172 00:08:56,286 --> 00:08:57,776 Johnny Bench called. 173 00:09:01,725 --> 00:09:02,749 So here's the thing. 174 00:09:02,926 --> 00:09:06,555 I need to access my operations account and you're preventing that. 175 00:09:06,730 --> 00:09:10,496 Now, we can do this easy or we can do it hard. 176 00:09:10,667 --> 00:09:14,194 Your call. No? Hard it is then. 177 00:09:17,774 --> 00:09:19,639 - Oh, God, sorry. Goddamn it, Archer. 178 00:09:19,810 --> 00:09:22,677 - I forgot that... Did I get you? What is wrong with you? 179 00:09:22,846 --> 00:09:26,839 Me? Nothing. You, on the other hand, have a bullet inside you. 180 00:09:27,017 --> 00:09:30,578 - I see the foot's all better. - And I see you're still a hatchet-face prick. 181 00:09:30,754 --> 00:09:33,518 - Do you see that sign? - Do you see that sign? 182 00:09:34,891 --> 00:09:38,827 - Well... - That's why. So we don't get ants. 183 00:09:40,063 --> 00:09:43,032 Because when your co-workers put food in the refrigerator... 184 00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:45,498 that's a bond of trust, okay? 185 00:09:45,836 --> 00:09:49,533 And if you violate that trust, or the food, there's... 186 00:09:49,706 --> 00:09:51,901 There's my favorite section head. 187 00:09:52,075 --> 00:09:54,771 I am dealing with the break room problem. 188 00:09:54,945 --> 00:09:58,108 Oh, good. You caught the... Oh, wait I had something for this. 189 00:09:58,282 --> 00:09:59,874 - The Pita Predator. - You know what? 190 00:10:00,050 --> 00:10:01,950 Sorry. Let's just call it what it is. 191 00:10:02,686 --> 00:10:04,517 - Food rapist. - Not a pretty name, is it? 192 00:10:04,688 --> 00:10:07,657 Pam, if you want some food that's supposed to be cream-filled... 193 00:10:07,824 --> 00:10:09,883 I offer these delicious doughnuts. 194 00:10:10,060 --> 00:10:11,527 Yeah? - In exchange for a favor. 195 00:10:11,695 --> 00:10:12,753 - A favor? - Yeah. 196 00:10:12,929 --> 00:10:15,056 After how you treated me? 197 00:10:15,232 --> 00:10:17,962 - **** your dolphin, Pam. Archer, she's down, all right? 198 00:10:18,135 --> 00:10:20,228 - Your ******* dolphin. She's tapping out. 199 00:10:20,404 --> 00:10:21,894 - You. - I think she peed. 200 00:10:22,072 --> 00:10:24,267 I had to get three stitches. 201 00:10:24,441 --> 00:10:26,932 And I broke my watch. And I'm sorry for that. 202 00:10:27,110 --> 00:10:30,671 - Three... - But I need your help, Pam, because I'm... 203 00:10:30,847 --> 00:10:33,611 um, conducting a mole hunt. 204 00:10:33,784 --> 00:10:34,978 - Aah. - Gasp you should... 205 00:10:35,152 --> 00:10:37,950 because if you let me in the mainframe, I'll drop these doughnuts. 206 00:10:38,121 --> 00:10:42,615 Then you can pretend they're marbles and you're a hungry, hungry... 207 00:10:44,961 --> 00:10:47,191 hungry hippo. 208 00:10:47,364 --> 00:10:51,926 Lana. Hey, I know I'm supposed to be up my own ass right now but... 209 00:10:53,470 --> 00:10:55,131 - Oh, is that what you want? Yup. 210 00:10:55,305 --> 00:10:58,138 - Because that's how you get ants. Yay. 211 00:10:58,608 --> 00:11:00,769 Cyril, my favorite section head. 212 00:11:00,944 --> 00:11:04,311 - What do you want? - To apologize for my behavior. 213 00:11:04,481 --> 00:11:05,914 - Well... - And also to... 214 00:11:06,083 --> 00:11:09,450 - What are you doing? - Oh, just dicing veggies for dinner. 215 00:11:09,619 --> 00:11:12,315 - I always make Lana stir-fry on Friday. - Neat. Listen... 216 00:11:12,489 --> 00:11:15,686 - Guess what we call it. - Stir Friday? 217 00:11:16,626 --> 00:11:18,856 - Wow, that's actually better. - Yup. 218 00:11:19,029 --> 00:11:21,224 It's all yours. So come let me in the mainframe. 219 00:11:21,398 --> 00:11:23,958 Is this about your operations account? 220 00:11:24,134 --> 00:11:25,499 - No. Cyril... - Yeah? 221 00:11:25,669 --> 00:11:27,694 I'm on a top-secret mole hunt. 222 00:11:27,871 --> 00:11:29,304 Oh, yeah, Pam mentioned that. 223 00:11:29,473 --> 00:11:31,941 - Wha...? When? - Well, she called a minute ago. 224 00:11:32,109 --> 00:11:35,442 - You know how Pam loves to gossip. - Yeah. I need rug marbles. I know. 225 00:11:35,612 --> 00:11:37,409 - Come let me into the mainframe. - Okay. 226 00:11:37,581 --> 00:11:41,312 - I need to confirm this with your mother. - No. No. I mean, what? Cyril. 227 00:11:42,052 --> 00:11:44,953 - What if she is the mole? Think about it. - Your own mother. 228 00:11:45,122 --> 00:11:47,989 Think what that would do to me if we had to kill her... 229 00:11:48,158 --> 00:11:51,855 - Archer. ...by stabbing her wrinkly neck... 230 00:11:52,028 --> 00:11:54,690 with a knife? - Yeah. I can't let you in there. 231 00:11:54,865 --> 00:11:57,197 Can't or won't? 232 00:11:57,534 --> 00:11:59,968 - Either? - And after I gave you Stir Friday. 233 00:12:00,137 --> 00:12:01,468 - That is much better. - I know. 234 00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:04,630 - But if you wanna access the mainframe... - What? 235 00:12:04,808 --> 00:12:07,208 I guess you'd have to break in. 236 00:12:08,345 --> 00:12:12,076 Break in to the ISIS mainframe. 237 00:12:12,249 --> 00:12:16,481 Which is obviously ludicrous. As is this baby corn. 238 00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:18,780 What is that about? Archer? 239 00:12:19,356 --> 00:12:23,554 ISIS headquarters makes Fort Knox look like a gingerbread house. 240 00:12:23,727 --> 00:12:25,285 Only two means of ingress. 241 00:12:25,462 --> 00:12:30,024 The first, at street level. Impenetrable after 6. 242 00:12:30,734 --> 00:12:32,861 The second, through an access door on the roof. 243 00:12:33,036 --> 00:12:35,561 Inexplicably unprotected. 244 00:12:37,174 --> 00:12:40,109 But even if you zip-lined across... 245 00:12:40,277 --> 00:12:41,767 ... reached the access door... 246 00:12:41,945 --> 00:12:44,209 ... and somehow made it into ISIS headquarters... 247 00:12:44,381 --> 00:12:47,714 ... you'd still have to find the mainframe. 248 00:12:48,118 --> 00:12:50,450 But, wait, it gets worse. 249 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:53,348 Inside, there are three countermeasure systems. 250 00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:55,787 The first is pressure sensitive in the floor. 251 00:12:55,959 --> 00:12:57,426 Even a mouse triggers it. 252 00:12:57,594 --> 00:13:01,963 The second is sound sensitive. Anything above a whisper sets it off. 253 00:13:02,132 --> 00:13:05,397 And the third system is state-of-the-art voice activation. 254 00:13:05,569 --> 00:13:08,094 Cyril Figgis. 255 00:13:11,741 --> 00:13:14,073 So, obviously, it would be a lot easier for me... 256 00:13:14,244 --> 00:13:18,374 if you just disabled all that when you left work tonight... somehow. 257 00:13:18,548 --> 00:13:23,485 - Ooh. That would make me uncomfortable. - Yeah. 258 00:13:23,653 --> 00:13:25,917 Oh, God, everything makes you uncomfortable. 259 00:13:27,424 --> 00:13:28,823 Just the tip? 260 00:13:28,992 --> 00:13:30,584 Just the tip. 261 00:13:30,861 --> 00:13:32,761 Just the tip. 262 00:13:33,029 --> 00:13:35,156 How was I to know you're lactose intolerant? 263 00:13:35,332 --> 00:13:36,697 Because I kept screaming it. 264 00:13:36,867 --> 00:13:37,993 - Well, what? - And this... 265 00:13:38,168 --> 00:13:39,601 I'm just a secretary. 266 00:13:39,769 --> 00:13:43,671 - I don't have access to security whatevers. - What? 267 00:13:43,840 --> 00:13:46,308 - Then get them from Cyril. - How would I do that? 268 00:13:46,476 --> 00:13:50,503 - Seduce him or Pam, or both. - I can't do that. 269 00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:52,272 - Can't or won't? - Either. 270 00:13:52,449 --> 00:13:55,145 That's how you wanna play it? Fine. 271 00:13:55,619 --> 00:13:58,315 - Are you gonna pay for your lunch? - Just the tip. 272 00:14:00,757 --> 00:14:02,782 Actually, I don't have any cash. 273 00:14:03,527 --> 00:14:07,827 Can you get it? Sorry. I also need cab fare. 274 00:14:09,299 --> 00:14:10,823 Oh, ugly duckling. 275 00:14:11,001 --> 00:14:12,730 Bock, bock. 276 00:14:16,273 --> 00:14:17,934 So thanks for nothing, Carol. 277 00:14:18,108 --> 00:14:22,135 Now I have to break into ISIS headquarters in a $900 turtleneck. 278 00:14:22,312 --> 00:14:23,540 And if it gets ruined... 279 00:14:23,713 --> 00:14:27,149 I'm gonna make you drink heavy cream, you... 280 00:14:27,317 --> 00:14:28,341 Carol. 281 00:14:33,189 --> 00:14:35,817 Wow, that was actually pretty easy. Thanks, new turtleneck. 282 00:14:37,527 --> 00:14:39,392 Oh, and thank you, duffel bag. 283 00:14:39,563 --> 00:14:41,360 Jesus, what else could go wrong? 284 00:14:50,006 --> 00:14:52,406 Exactly. You're not Archer. That's what's so great about you. 285 00:14:53,944 --> 00:14:55,536 And the fact your mother died in a fire. 286 00:14:55,879 --> 00:14:58,177 - What? - I said where are we on that stir-fry? 287 00:14:58,348 --> 00:15:00,475 Agent Kane. What? 288 00:15:00,650 --> 00:15:01,708 Yes, confirmed. 289 00:15:01,885 --> 00:15:05,821 Confirmed a naughty nellie's breaking our after-work phone rule. 290 00:15:05,989 --> 00:15:08,287 - Cyril, there's been a break-in at ISIS. - What? 291 00:15:08,458 --> 00:15:10,323 - Think it's the mole? - God, you and Pam... 292 00:15:10,493 --> 00:15:12,324 - Pam's all right. - Wow. 293 00:15:12,495 --> 00:15:14,224 Okay. I've got to go. 294 00:15:14,397 --> 00:15:16,763 - But it's Stir Friday. - Hurray. 295 00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:21,369 - But if I'm not here... - Yeah. 296 00:15:22,105 --> 00:15:25,700 Because after three months of whatever it is we're doing... 297 00:15:25,875 --> 00:15:28,810 it's weird that you can't leave me alone in your apartment. 298 00:15:28,979 --> 00:15:31,777 - I know I have trust issues, all right? - But it's... 299 00:15:31,948 --> 00:15:34,143 - It's Archer's fault I'm like this. - Here we go. 300 00:15:34,317 --> 00:15:37,343 - All of those years of lying and cheating. - It's fine. 301 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:39,215 That thing with the mayonnaise. 302 00:15:39,389 --> 00:15:41,448 - How messed up he is about his mother. - Fine. 303 00:15:41,625 --> 00:15:44,059 Do you know he called out her name once when we f...? 304 00:15:44,227 --> 00:15:47,754 Fine! 305 00:15:49,132 --> 00:15:51,930 - And here we are. All fine. - Cyril, come on, hon, please? 306 00:15:53,303 --> 00:15:54,895 Now who's a naughty nellie? 307 00:15:55,071 --> 00:15:56,129 - Hello? Hi, who's this? 308 00:15:56,306 --> 00:15:57,967 Cyril Figgis. 309 00:15:58,141 --> 00:15:59,870 I'm sorry. Did you say Faggis? 310 00:16:00,043 --> 00:16:02,568 - Figgis. Figgis. - Who is it? Better not be Pam. 311 00:16:02,746 --> 00:16:04,805 Not Faggis? - Figgis. I was very clear. 312 00:16:04,981 --> 00:16:07,313 Hi, I'm a huge fan of cock and my name is... 313 00:16:07,484 --> 00:16:09,281 Cyril Figgis. 314 00:16:12,789 --> 00:16:15,724 Holy shit. Our security is atrocious. 315 00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:17,621 Seriously, it's really bad. 316 00:16:18,561 --> 00:16:19,585 Password. 317 00:16:19,896 --> 00:16:23,525 Hm. Password. How about "guest"? 318 00:16:23,700 --> 00:16:25,167 No way. 319 00:16:25,335 --> 00:16:29,965 It can't be. Jesus Christ, that is just Baby Town frolics. 320 00:16:30,140 --> 00:16:34,236 Okay, operations account. Just how deep in the red am I? 321 00:16:34,411 --> 00:16:36,902 Out of my mind. Oh, no. 322 00:16:37,080 --> 00:16:39,947 How? How did I spend that much money? 323 00:16:40,283 --> 00:16:42,945 Yeah, I know it's sexy, Woodhouse. That's why I bought 10. 324 00:16:43,119 --> 00:16:44,609 Now arrange those by color. 325 00:16:44,788 --> 00:16:46,483 These are all black. 326 00:16:46,656 --> 00:16:52,117 Oh, are they? Or are five in a dark black and five in a slightly darker black? 327 00:16:52,295 --> 00:16:55,890 And now I'm short a slightly darker black one. 328 00:16:56,066 --> 00:16:58,534 So let's just put all my expenses... 329 00:16:58,702 --> 00:17:02,695 into some pathetic idiot's account by the name of... 330 00:17:04,007 --> 00:17:05,941 Oh, Krenshaw. 331 00:17:06,109 --> 00:17:08,737 - Oh. Now that's not very nice. - Oh, God. 332 00:17:08,912 --> 00:17:13,940 Hey, I was... I was just talking about you. And about how this isn't what it looks like. 333 00:17:14,117 --> 00:17:16,608 - A lot of that going around. - Yeah. It's an epidemic. 334 00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:20,017 For example, my real name is Kremenski. 335 00:17:20,190 --> 00:17:23,387 - Is that sound...? Is that Jewish? - It's Russian. 336 00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:25,357 Um... 337 00:17:26,730 --> 00:17:28,459 - Russian-Jewish? - I'm the mole, idiot. 338 00:17:28,631 --> 00:17:30,189 What? I made up the mole. 339 00:17:30,366 --> 00:17:33,802 Yes, but you told Pam and now everyone is looking for a real mole. 340 00:17:33,970 --> 00:17:35,164 God, do we hate Pam. 341 00:17:35,338 --> 00:17:37,238 - So I have to escape. - And irony. 342 00:17:37,407 --> 00:17:39,568 Thanks for breaking into the mainframe for me. 343 00:17:39,743 --> 00:17:42,610 - Double irony. - I'll need 50,000 for travel expenses. 344 00:17:42,779 --> 00:17:44,474 - Fifty thousand? - From your account. 345 00:17:44,647 --> 00:17:48,378 - That's too much. - It's all last-minute bookings for two. 346 00:17:48,551 --> 00:17:51,247 Wha...? Oh. 347 00:17:51,421 --> 00:17:54,549 Because when I hand the notorious Duchess to the KGB... 348 00:17:54,724 --> 00:17:57,352 I won't just get a promotion, I'll get my own dacha. 349 00:17:57,527 --> 00:17:59,688 - Too bad you'll never see it. - What the...? 350 00:18:01,664 --> 00:18:03,359 Lana, Krenshaw's a mole. 351 00:18:03,533 --> 00:18:06,093 And his name's not really Krenshaw, it's Kremenski. 352 00:18:06,269 --> 00:18:09,864 Definitely Russian, possibly a Jew. I don't know. Thoughts? 353 00:18:10,039 --> 00:18:12,530 Yeah. Shut up. And you, drop it. 354 00:18:12,709 --> 00:18:15,041 - Or what? - No, no, no. Do not wind her up. 355 00:18:15,211 --> 00:18:17,941 That is a big gun, and she is baby crazy. 356 00:18:18,581 --> 00:18:21,072 - Baby crazy? - That's why I dumped her. 357 00:18:21,251 --> 00:18:23,276 - You little... You sack of shit. - What? What? 358 00:18:23,453 --> 00:18:28,322 I dumped you because you're dragging around a 35-year-old umbilical cord. 359 00:18:28,491 --> 00:18:32,393 See? All you talk about is baby shit because you're baby crazy. 360 00:18:32,562 --> 00:18:35,554 - You wanna see crazy? - No, I've seen that movie... 361 00:18:35,732 --> 00:18:39,725 and spoiler alert, it ends with a closetful of my suits on fire. 362 00:18:39,903 --> 00:18:43,771 - I wish you'd been wearing one. - Who would want to wear an on-fire suit? 363 00:18:43,940 --> 00:18:45,805 - Cosplay enthusiasts. - What? 364 00:18:45,975 --> 00:18:49,274 Do you even hear how totally batshit insane you sound? 365 00:18:49,445 --> 00:18:50,776 I'll tell you what I hear. 366 00:18:55,885 --> 00:18:58,046 Yeah, please keep talking. 367 00:18:58,221 --> 00:19:01,384 So why are you sitting here in the car eating stir-fry? 368 00:19:01,558 --> 00:19:05,654 Oh, it's Stir Friday. And Lana said to. 369 00:19:05,829 --> 00:19:07,558 Krenshaw? - Ms. Archer? 370 00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:10,824 - What's this flap about a break-in? - Mother, look out. 371 00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:12,092 Krenshaw is a mole. 372 00:19:12,268 --> 00:19:15,499 Oh, Pam's just full of crap as she is of carbohydrates. 373 00:19:15,672 --> 00:19:18,766 - Now... Hey. - Not this time, you impossible bitch. 374 00:19:18,942 --> 00:19:20,807 Also, you should all be nicer to Pam. 375 00:19:20,977 --> 00:19:23,468 - I am always nice to her. - To her face. 376 00:19:23,646 --> 00:19:26,740 - Why aren't you in the car? - Will somebody do something? 377 00:19:27,784 --> 00:19:29,274 What are you doing, you idiot? 378 00:19:29,452 --> 00:19:31,750 Shut up. It's classic misdirection. 379 00:19:31,921 --> 00:19:35,357 Looks like we've got a Mexican standoff, Kremenski. 380 00:19:35,525 --> 00:19:37,356 How is this a Mexican standoff? 381 00:19:37,527 --> 00:19:40,121 - Dumb-ass. I don't care if you shoot her. 382 00:19:40,296 --> 00:19:44,027 - I do. - But what if I shoot her, mama's boy? 383 00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:46,031 Sterling? - Yes. 384 00:19:46,202 --> 00:19:48,670 - Picture her dead in the gutter... - Sterling. 385 00:19:48,838 --> 00:19:52,968 And what your pathetic life will be like without old Mommy dearest. 386 00:19:53,142 --> 00:19:54,541 Jesus Christ. 387 00:19:54,711 --> 00:19:56,406 What is it? - He's got an erection. 388 00:19:56,579 --> 00:19:59,104 What? - What the hell is wrong with you people? 389 00:20:01,317 --> 00:20:03,945 Nothing. You, on the other hand... Ow. Ow. 390 00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:05,678 - An erection? - Ow. Hey. 391 00:20:05,855 --> 00:20:07,083 What's in there, buckles? 392 00:20:07,257 --> 00:20:10,090 The thought of me dead gives you an erection? 393 00:20:10,260 --> 00:20:11,989 No, just half of one. 394 00:20:12,161 --> 00:20:16,063 The other half would have really missed you. I mean, not... 395 00:20:16,366 --> 00:20:17,560 - Oh. - Ugh. 396 00:20:19,535 --> 00:20:21,025 Johnny Bench called. 397 00:20:21,304 --> 00:20:24,740 Yep. See here, Krenshaw just stole 50,000 from Archer's account. 398 00:20:24,908 --> 00:20:28,344 - Must have been doing it all along. - Apology accepted, ass douche. 399 00:20:28,511 --> 00:20:30,411 - What? Call him that again... 400 00:20:30,580 --> 00:20:32,013 - Make me. What? 401 00:20:32,181 --> 00:20:34,149 - Do you see this? - I just don't understand. 402 00:20:34,317 --> 00:20:38,048 - This is a hostile work environment. - I would have known if we had a mole. 403 00:20:38,221 --> 00:20:39,654 - How? - How what, dear? 404 00:20:39,822 --> 00:20:42,848 - How could you know if we had a mole? - Um... 405 00:20:43,026 --> 00:20:46,655 Then I am taking hot pepper... 406 00:20:47,196 --> 00:20:51,997 and slowly I am rubbing it around... Goddamn it. 407 00:20:52,235 --> 00:20:54,863 Hello? Darling? 408 00:20:55,138 --> 00:20:59,199 - Who was this? - Who are you, Comrade Question? 409 00:20:59,375 --> 00:21:01,343 And who are you, Comrade Questions? 410 00:21:01,511 --> 00:21:02,739 - Comrade...? - Oh, shut up. 411 00:21:02,912 --> 00:21:04,345 You and your erection. 412 00:21:04,514 --> 00:21:07,074 - And why are there doughnuts everywhere? - Lana did that. 413 00:21:07,250 --> 00:21:11,550 Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants.